In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  “To stay with me for awhile,” she told Luke. “But you might as well go on and make another life for yourself, Luke, because I don’t think she will be coming back to this house with you and the Indians.”

  Luke nodded his head because this was Richlene’s daughter and he thought she could keep Richlene if she really wanted to. Emily continued in a snide voice, “You seem to have done alright by yourself since … you and mother have been friends, so I’m sure you won’t miss her.”

  “Miz Emily? Everything I have I have worked and paid for with my own money. I didn’t take anything from Richlene. And I will miss her.”

  “I’m sure,” came the terse reply.

  After that, it was just natural for Lil Wisdom to become closer to Luke. They did not want to live in Richlene’s house. They kept it clean and gardened, ready for her whenever she wanted to visit. Luke built another house near his store. Then … Luke and Lil Wisdom got married. They named their first child Lulene after Luke and Richlene.

  chapter

  49

  one pleasant day, Hosanna was doing odd jobs around her house, singing and polishing, picking up and putting down things, just enjoying her home. She had been thinking about Homer and how happy they were now. She went and found her diamond ring and put it on. It was one of the signs that she wanted to make love, be in Homer’s arms. He was working outside on the house. She was admiring the ring again when she heard a knock on her door. She answered with a smile, thinking it was Homer, playing games. It was Yinyang.

  Yin had just returned from another of her trips and came to Hosanna’s house to bring her a gift. She had been away two months this time. She was older, maturing, but she looked very good and still beautiful. Her clothes were of the best, as usual, and Yin knew how to use them to her best advantage. Her hair was done up expertly by herself. Her teeth were in excellent condition. Her nails and skin glowed. All that money could buy, she had.

  She looked at all the improvements being made at Hosanna’s house, the room being built. “What’s all this, Hosanna? You married into money?”

  “We are expecting a baby, Yin.” Hosanna glowed with happiness.

  “Well, I don’t envy you what you will have to go through.” Yin smiled.

  “Nothing comes that’s good without some pain.” Hosanna smiled back. “Sit down, Yin, I’ll get you some iced tea.” She started from the room, looked back over her shoulder, “We got us a ice refrigerator!”

  While she was gone, Yin looked around the little house at the pretty things that showed Hosanna and Homer were expecting a new baby, at the evidence of their love for each other. When Hosanna came back into the room with tea for both of them, Yin looked closely at her.

  “Hosanna?”

  “Yes, Yin.”

  “Hosanna, you’ve been here almost as long as I have. You washed clothes and cooked for a living. You’ve never seemed to have anything special, yet here you are, living a special life. You are … happy. You seem … satisfied.”

  “I am.”

  “And Sally. Sally was cheated out of her money for all those years. Yet, when I see her now, she is happy. She has her grandchildren, Russell. She’s got all that money, yet she stayed here. Even opened a school for the poor, with her money! She could have gone anywhere! She is not making a dime from that school. Yet … she seems happy. Satisfied.”

  “I think she is.”

  “And look at Lovey. She has a rich husband practically. Her, a woman with no legs, no real education. Has a husband and … a future.”

  “Oh, she is happy. And so is he.”

  “Creed is trying to take Aunt Ellen away from me and marry her. Aunt Ellen is happy. And she is going to go someday. Now … she is old. She is not good-looking; of course, neither is Creed, but … they have something. They seem happy, at least satisfied.”

  “I think they are.”

  “Well … what happened to me? I had so much more than you all, I have so much more than you all. I am attractive. I’m not too old. Early forties. I am educated enough. But, I am not happy. I have almost never been happy since I first left my home years ago, and I can’t even say I was happy then. I wanted my mother … and she was an alcoholic … she didn’t really see me.”

  “Oh, Yinyang. Sure she did.”

  “What I am saying, asking, is what is wrong with me? Why am I left out of all the good things?”

  “You wanted something else, maybe.”

  “I just wanted to be happy, satisfied. Like all of you.”

  “Well, Yin, I guess there is more to happiness than just wanting it. I know you worked hard at what you were doing to get some money. But I never saw you work hard at anything else. Not even your children, dear.”

  “I take good care of my children.”

  “Aunt Ellen takes good care of your children.”

  “Well … it’s still me, I pay her.”

  “There is more to a mother than that. Your mother saw that you were taken care of, yet you missed out on her.”

  “Hosanna, I wanted money. But you need money. A person has to have money!”

  “Yin … I’ll tell you something. I turned my heart to God. No … No, I’m not going to preach to you, but I will tell you what I learned about life.” Yin inclined her head to listen.

  “I was alone early in life, just like you were, only earlier. I find you have to do a lot more thinking than you do living when you are trying to learn about life. I’ve thought long and hard in my life on the things I should love and the things I should leave alone. Real things, real people. I had to know what would make ME happy. Now … I have never been rich, but I have been loved, am loved. I couldn’t have bought it. I have never been beautiful or handsome even, but I have been desired and am desired now. And isn’t that what it’s all about? I’ve never had any great power in this world, but I’ve got respect, from my family, my friends, my husband. And love, I’ve got love. I have never been famous, but I’ve got friends I can count on. What is fame after everybody knows a name? I’ve never even known any famous people, but I haven’t missed them. I have never been a playaround girl with loves all around, but I have a good husband and I’ve had some good times. Never been no sex siren, but I have been loved … good … warm and real love … gentle, chile, sweet. And, you know, I’ve been on a yacht, seen the men change rooms, heard the rich, lonely ladies crying at night, alone. I’ve been alone, real alone, but I have never been that lonely. I never slept in any castle, but I got a good bed, and I get a good, warm, full night’s sleep. I have slept in some mansions. They were full of gloom and confusion … and money. Never been no queen or king of a country, but I got God and He is all I need and kneel to. Never owned no grand business, but I own myself. Never was cultured, but I can read and I learned from life how best for me to live it. I can go on and on, Yin. I never been a bird, but I hear music and I love it.” Hosanna took Yin’s hand; Yin looked down at that hand and saw the diamond ring. “Oh, Yin, my soul has soared with life when I was at my poorest, because I had me and I respected me. I am no genius, but I got good sense. So see, I never have had everything … but best of all … I have been satisfied many times, and I am satisfied now, most of all, when I need it most.”

  Yin frowned, looking at Hosanna with wonder. And thinking about the ring.

  Hosanna laughed, “Oh, don’t get me wrong. Don’t let me fool you! I have been scared, lots of times. But that made me study that little map I had made of life. A plan. I’m smiling now, but I fought, sometimes had to fight myself, to get here. I lived it, I know it. Blive that!” She smiled and held Yin’s hand.

  Yin tried to smile, but couldn’t. She asked, “Hosanna, where did you get that ring?”

  Hosanna smiled, lifted the ringed finger up. “Isn’t it beautiful? It was my mother’s, from my father. I found it buried in the chicken house, of all places.”

  Yin tried to smile back, “It is a beautiful ring. I have been looking for it for years.” Hosanna turned a startled face to Yin.
Yin continued, “It belonged to my mother and it was stolen from her by my father.”

  “Your father? Well, how did my mother and father come to have it? I’m sure my mother didn’t even know your mother.”

  “Hosanna, that ring means a great deal to me. But … I see it means a great deal to you, too. I’ll … tell you about it.” Yin took a deep, deep breath, let it out and looked miserable. “My father was a Negro man.” Hosanna could only look at Yin, frowning. “My father was your mother’s father, too.”

  Hosanna opened her mouth in surprise. “Hush the fuck up!”

  “It’s true, Hosanna. You are my half-niece. I am your aunt.”

  “You mean to say you are kin to me … family … and you have never tried to help any of us? Even Lovey? Who needed help?”

  “I was trying to help myself. That is why I never told a soul that I was part Negro. Now, I don’t care. I have enough money and I am free. And you can keep that ring because I am free. I need a bigger family now. I need to learn about love. I haven’t known it since my father Josephus died. He was good to me, you’ve been good to me. I was proud of you, but I couldn’t afford to be your aunt until I did what I had to do. Now … I want a family. I want somebody to really care about what happens to me.”

  “I always have.”

  “So,” Yin sighed and stood up, “Now what?”

  Hosanna put her hand on Yin’s arm. “Girl, life ain’t something you grab, life is something you accept and make grow. I’m … glad you’re my aunt. It makes me a little closer to my mother. I need that because I lost her so early. Everything is going to be alright, Yin. And I won’t tell anyone what you’ve told me, I’ll just hug it to myself, in my heart, right over my baby.”

  “You are so lucky, Hosanna, to have the man you love.” Yin moved to the door. “And he be a good man.”

  “I know. Oh, God, do I know.”

  Yin held Hosanna’s arm. “Carlton Befoe is moving back to Yoville. He intends to stop all this school business and he wants all his land back. He says things are going to change around here when he returns.”

  Hosanna patted Yin’s hand, saying, “But we won’t let him, will … we?”

  “Hosanna, you don’t know anything. Money can do a lot.”

  Hosanna smiled. “Yin, you don’t know God. Money can’t do everything.”

  Hosanna spoke to Yin as she prepared to leave. “Yin, you have two children at home, a white one and a colored one. A whole world to learn about. You have an old woman living with you who is full of wisdom learned the hard way. Creed is full of wisdom. Sally is over there with a different kind of road to her wisdom, maybe. You have them all to choose and learn from. Why don’t you think about that? And you’ve got all of us and the future. You’re gonna make you some love.”

  After Yin had gone away, looking thoughtful, Hosanna ran outside to find Homer. “Hoooomeerrrr! I’m calling you. I just want to see you!”

  And so we arrive at the end of this little story. We move away from Yoville, which is pregnant with future stories and dreams of all those living there right now. They are still on the road, searching, living, striving for some satisfaction.

  Satan loves to fly as close as he can to the heavens and he did that as he was leaving Yoville, thinking with pleasure of Carlton Befoe junior’s return there and, of course, all the other things that were happening on earth and would happen on earth. This time he flew close enough to even hear the voices of angels speaking together.

  One voice said, “Satan smiles over the tribulation on earth.”

  “In pity, Jesus weeps.”

  “The earth trembles, knowing that in this century, blood and destruction on its lands and waters will be worse than ever before.”

  “Everything is disappearing from the earth. Things the people need … to live.”

  “Satan cannot smile long, he knows his time is very short now.”

  “Ahhh, the End of him. Such joy will be on the earth.”

  “Soon now, soon.”

  Then, the angels flew away.

  Satan face contorted into a deep, angry frown full of hate. Then he flew away with a roar, swiftly to the streets like a lion, devouring everything his power allowed him to. In his search for satisfaction.

  about the author

  J. CALIFORNIA COOPER is the author of the novels The Wake of the Wind; Some People, Some Other Place; In Search of Satisfaction; and Family, and six collections of short stories: the winner of the 1989 American Book Award, Homemade Love; Some Soul to Keep; A Piece of Mine; Some Love, Some Pain, Sometime, The Future Has a Past; and The Matter Is Life. She is also the author of seventeen plays and has been honored as Black Playwright of the Year (1978), received the James Baldwin Writing Award (1988), and the Literary Lion Award from the American Library Association (1988). Ms. Cooper lives in California.