The Break-Up Diaries

by Ni-Ni Simone

  There was silence in the car for about three minutes. Finally, she said, “I hope you’re not going to still see that thug.”

  “Come on, I don’t need another mama. Is this why you asked me to ride with you?”

  “No, of course not. I missed having my best friend in my life.” She smiled, and I have to admit that I was hoping she’d meet me halfway in repairing our friendship. I never imagined that a guy would cause this much trouble between us.

  I had really missed Candace, too and I was glad that we had made up, but she wasn’t my mom and I really didn’t like her telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing. Without her comments, it was becoming clear to me that DeMarco was not the guy that I need to be seeing. The whole thrill about seeing a bad boy was wearing off, and I knew I couldn’t keep hiding it from Mom. It wasn’t right and it seemed that as soon as I told one lie, I would have to cover that lie up with another one. And it had become clear to me that DeMarco was not going to stop hanging out with Lil Jimmy, the future sex offender, and that told me a lot about him. Mom always said you are the company you keep. But I swear, part of me loved that boy. I don’t know why I did. I just did.

  Candace glanced at me long enough for our eyes to meet, then she looked back to the road ahead. The speed limit was thirty-five near the school. We were going about twenty-five, so her mind was definitely not on the road.

  “Candace, I know I messed up,” I said. I had apologized to Jay and I had told Mom I was wrong. I didn’t feel like going over why I was wrong with Candace. I just wanted to move past this situation.

  “Zori, this is not about you messing up, this is about how you could possibly lose everything if you go to jail with this clown.”

  “What do you think? That I go on drug runs with DeMarco. Come on, are you serious?” She was really playing me now, like I was some naive. My mind went back to the day me and DeMarco was in the parking lot and I discovered the bags of weed in his book bag. But there was no way I would ever be that stupid, to be with DeMarco when he was making his drug deals. He never even talked about drugs to me and that may have been one of the reasons I liked him.

  Candace pulled over by the side of the road and turned to me. “I care about you, that’s all.”

  “And I care about me.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Don’t judge me, that’s what that’s supposed to mean. You’re no better than I am.”

  “I didn’t say I was.”

  “Good, because at least I was never with a guy in his twenties.”

  “He’s a good guy though.”

  “He’s an old guy, too old for you.”

  Candace sighed. I could see she was angry. I knew Candace loved me and she had made some good points, but I really didn’t want to hear her good points.

  “Look, Candace, I’m sorry for bringing Barry up, but I swear to you everything is good with me. Nothing is going to happen to me.”

  A few minutes went by with neither of us saying anything. I decided to make the first move and pulled Candace to me for a hug.

  I texted DeMarco from yahoo messenger. He didn’t respond, maybe it was because it was from yahoo messenger and not a phone number. About an hour later, he texted back: Who this?

  Zori

  DeMarco: Oh, my bad

  Me: You know I don’t have a phone man, come on, who else is gonna be texting you from Yahoo Messenger?

  DeMarco: True dat, so what’s up, shorty?

  Me: Nothing much stuck in this house and Mom is getting on my last nerve, waiting on her to leave so I can at least get on the home phone.

  DeMarco: Where is she going?

  Me: Some dinner banquet from her job

  DeMarco: You should hang out with me

  Me: No. I can’t hang with you, you know I can’t leave the house.

  DeMarco: Your mom is gonna be gone. I will have you back before she comes back

  Me: You don’t know when she’s coming back, now how you know you’re gonna have me back

  DeMarco: ’Cause I know

  Me: Not a good answer

  DeMarco: Come on man, live life a little

  Me: I’m not a man and I ain’t about to get in any more trouble

  DeMarco: I feel ya

  The longer I sat there looking at the screen, the more I began to see it DeMarco’s way. With my mom gone to the dinner for at least three hours, she’d never know I’d left the house. It wasn’t like she’d stop talking to folks and get up from the table to call me. And I did want to see DeMarco, just one more time before I dropped him. Of course, I couldn’t have him come pick me up—the neighbors would definitely notice him—but maybe Candace could come get me . . . scratch that. Candace would have a fit if I mentioned DeMarco to her, and I didn’t want to mess up our friendship again. I’ll get Malaka to take me over to DeMarco’s brother’s spot for a few minutes. I still remembered where his brother lived. Yeah, I would go over there and surprise him. I’d get me a goodbye kiss and get back to the house.

  Mom left at 7:30, and Malaka’s green Honda Accord pulled up at 8. I was dressed and I looked good, if I do say so myself. I wore some extra tight skinny jeans and heels, and make up was done to perfection.

  I stepped out the front door and looked around. Even though I was heading out with Malaka, I didn’t want to boldly stroll outside if the neighbors were in their yards. When I saw Mr. Harry across the street peeping Malaka’s car, I knew I’d made a good decision by not having DeMarco come over. Mr. Harry seeing me with one of my girls shouldn’t be worth sharing. And if he did tell mom that Malaka came over, I’d just tell her that I borrowed Malaka’s textbook. I signaled for Malaka to back the car a little farther up the driveway so I could hop in unnoticed.

  “You look amazing.”

  “Thank you, chica.”

  I told her where DeMarco’s brother lived and we were there five minutes later. I didn’t see the Escalade, but DeMarco said he would be there today, so I hopped out of the car and knocked on the door. Nobody answered. Was I wrong? Suddenly, I felt like a fool for just popping up. I went back to the car and asked Malaka for her cell phone so I could call DeMarco. She was about to pass it to me when the Escalade rolled up. The first thing I noticed was the chick on the passenger side. I didn’t freak out, there had to be a reasonable explanation for this. This had to be a sister or a cousin. This couldn’t be his girl. He was dating me; I hadn’t dumped him yet.

  DeMarco looked like he was trying to figure out what was going on. I guess he didn’t recognize Malaka’s car and he hadn’t seen me yet. He jumped out of the Escalade, and so did the girl.

  I got out of Malaka’s car smiling, still thinking that the girl couldn’t be anything but a friend.

  DeMarco frowned. “What are you doing here?”

  I didn’t like his tone, but I was gonna let it slide for now. “I wanted to surprise you, baby.”

  The girl said, “Baby?” Then looked at me and said, “Who are you?”

  With that, I knew she wasn’t a friend or cousin. Looking at her busted shoes and last season’s bebe dress, I also knew she had no class. She was cute, but her weave definitely needed to be upgraded. She had nothing on me, but if this is what he wanted, fine.

  “DeMarco, what is going on?” the girl said.

  He didn’t answer, he didn’t even look her way. Instead, he made direct eye contact with me and said, “What are you doing here?”

  My heart raced a little. This is not how I wanted this scene to go down.

  “Who is this girl?” the girl asked again.

  DeMarco turned to the girl and said, “Hey, I don’t owe anybody no kind of explanation.” Turning to me, he said, “Nobody is my girlfriend.”

  I said, “Good-bye, DeMarco.”

  “Go,” he said, as if he were dismissing me. “I don’t give a care if you leave. This is what you get when you pop up at people’s house unannounced.”

  This was the same nonchalant attitude he’d had the day
I confronted him when he was with Christian. That should have been the last day I saw him, but instead I gave him another chance. I walked into that hotel room, even though I saw he was with Lil Jimmy, his sex offender friend. I thought about how I had sacrificed being with Jay to be with him. Jay was a good person. He would never do anything trifling like this. I was here to dismiss DeMarco, not the other way around. I should have seen this coming.

  I walked away slowly. Before I got back in the car, I turned and said, “No, this is what you get when you believe that a fool is gonna change.” My eyes had teared up. Malaka gave me a hug before we drove away.

  I exploded midway through the ride. I felt myself fall completely apart. I had never allowed anybody to get to me like that. Reality set in: the relationship was never really real. While I was dating DeMarco, he was keeping his options open. He didn’t say I was his girl, but I wanted to believe I was his girl. But I wasn’t. Neither was the other girl. DeMarco was a player and I had been played, the same way I’d played Jay.

  The next morning, Candace drove me to school. We rode in silence for most of the way. I was lost in thought about DeMarco, and hoped that Candace didn’t bring up his name.

  After a while Candace asked, “Is something wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong,” I lied. I really didn’t want to get into a discussion about DeMarco. Didn’t want to sound stupid.

  “Come on, you know I know you.” Candace said.

  More silence. I knew Malaka was going to tell her eventually.

  We drove five more minutes, then she said, “Okay, you don’t want to talk about it, I totally understand.”

  “There is nothing to talk about.”

  “Really?”

  Her voice was very condescending.

  I turned to her and said, “Candace, I don’t want to hear a bunch of I told you so’s.”

  “This has something to do with DeMarco?”

  “It has everything to do with DeMarco.” I dropped my head.

  She pulled the car over and turned to me. “It’s gonna be okay.”

  I burst into tears again. I couldn’t control myself.

  Candace squeaked, “What did he do? Did he get you pregnant?”

  I composed myself. I got a Kleenex from my purse. “No, thank God.”

  “What happened?”

  “Me and Malaka went to his house on Friday . . . and DeMarco drove up with another girl in the car.”

  “No, he didn’t!” she exclaimed. “You must’ve been devastated.”

  “The girl must have been somebody to him because she kept asking who I was.”

  “Guys like that are not the marrying type. They are the player type. My momma says guys like that will break your heart.”

  “Don’t I know that. I learned a tough lesson. I just wish I would have given Jay a fair chance. Wish I didn’t like DeMarco so much.”

  Candace said. “And trust me, he now wishes he didn’t like you so much. There will be other guys, others that will treat you with respect.”

  I smiled. I loved my best friend. Loved that she knew exactly what to say and what time to say it.

  In the student parking lot, I heard somebody call out my name. I turned and looked: it was DeMarco.

  I kept walking like I didn’t hear him. He got out of his truck and ran and caught up with me and Candace. I continued to ignore him, until he got in front of me so I would have to stop.

  Candace stopped and said, “Leave her alone.” She got between us and grabbed my hand. Together we walked past DeMarco.

  “I need to talk to you for a moment, shorty.”

  “She don’t want to talk to you,” Candace said.

  “Candace you stay out of this,” he said walking behind us.

  “You heard my friend. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “I just want to apologize.”

  “Apology accepted.” We kept it moving.

  “Give me two minutes.”

  In my heart and my head, I knew I was over him, but there was something deep inside that wanted to hear what he had to say. Hearing him admit his mistake would be gratifying. I whispered to Candace, “I want to hear what he has to say.” I could tell she wanted to say no, but she nodded and agreed to wait for me. She stepped a few feet away.

  All of a sudden, DeMarco looked a little nervous, as if he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say. I wasn’t trying to draw this out, so I snapped, “I have to go to class, so hurry.”

  “Listen, I just wanted to say that girl was nobody to me.”

  “Come on don’t give me that B.S. You didn’t say that in front of her.”

  He avoided looking at my eyes—the sign of a liar. “I didn’t know what to say.” He paused, then continued, “Listen, shorty, we never said we were a couple.”

  “We sure didn’t, so really there is no need to apologize.”

  “I feel guilty.”

  “For what?”

  “ ’Cause you’re a good person.”

  “Thank you,” I said. I knew I was a good person, but I knew I hadn’t been doing good things lately. And it all started when I started talking to DeMarco. I know I couldn’t place all the blame on him, but before DeMarco, I’d never associated with a guy who attacked women, I never drank, I didn’t tell my mom crazy lies, stood up a nice guy at a dance, or had a guy I like play me for a fool. But I guess compared to this liar, I was a good person, and compared to Osama bin Laden, he was a good person.

  “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have played with you. You deserve better. Actually you’re too good for me.”

  “Again your apology is accepted. No hard feelings, just a lesson learned, my friend.”

  He offered his hand. I shook it.

  Me and Candace walked away. He walked back in the direction of the student parking lot. He was probably ditching today.

  The next day, when Candace and I pulled up to school the police had the parking lot blocked off. And there were at least six police cars there, including a K-9 unit and police van. Not good.

  A tall officer with red hair and freckled face barked orders. “Park across the street.”

  We both wondered what had happened. “I hope nobody got hurt.”

  “Me too,” I said. You never could tell. Killings on school campuses were almost common occurrences. I just hoped nothing like that was happening at my school.

  After parking the car across the street, we walked back toward campus with a guy named Derrick Jones. Candace asked him what was going on.

  “They busted this dude with weed, man. And a gun.”

  Candace and I looked at each other. Neither of us said a word, but I know we were thinking about the same person.

  “What did he look like?”

  “Tall dude, used to play on the basketball team and drives an Escalade.”

  I shook my head. “DeMarco?”

  “Yeah, that’s him,” Derrick said. “They got the dude in cuffs and everything. Somebody must have snitched on him.”

  “Wow,” was all I could say.

  “I feel bad for the dude. He looked like he wanted to cry, but that’s what happens when you do stuff like that. You gotta be prepared for the worst.”

  Candace said, “I don’t feel bad for him. Do the crime, pay the time.”

  But I felt bad for him. I knew DeMarco. He wasn’t a bad person, he just made bad decisions. At that moment, I was so glad that we’d called it quits and that I’d made peace with him. I couldn’t imagine getting caught up with him and getting arrested. My dreams of going to college would have dissipated. I said a prayer for him, and thanked God for sparing me this embarrassment.

  9

  Two months had passed since DeMarco’s arrest. I hadn’t seen or heard anything from him. It’s almost like he didn’t exist.

  Then I got a letter from him.

  Shorty, I hope all is well with you.

  I’m sure you heard about what happened to me. Well, after they arrested me, they never let me out because I
was already on probation. The judge sentenced me to six months juvenile detention. Probably the best thing that could have happened to me, because after being around dudes with nothing on their mind, I now realize my potential. Most of the guys in here can’t even read on an eighth grade level, and I’m like, man I don’t belong here. But I do belong here, if that makes any sense. I belong here because I did something wrong. I get to reflect and get my priorities in order. The coach came to visit me. He says he can get me back in school, and he wants me to live with him and his wife. I may take him up on his offer. I love my brothers, but they are bad news, a bad influence on me. I am just so happy somebody is going to give me a second chance. I’m so happy people still believe in me. I hope everything is going well with you. Just wanted to say I always considered you a very good person and friend and I hope we can resume our friendship when I’m released. We’ll be just friends, ’cause I know you’ve probably moved on and I respect that. Also, just wanted to say Jay is a good guy and you should try to make it work with him. I like him, and I think he would be good for you. Guys like me don’t make good boyfriends until we grow up and sometimes it takes something like this to make us grow up. See you in four months.

  DeMarco

  I read the letter again. Not because I was glad to hear from him, but because it seemed like he had matured a lot. It seemed as though he had learned his lesson. And I think DeMarco was sent to me for me to learn a lesson. And as far as me being with Jay, that will never happen. I’m not thinking about boyfriends. I’m focusing on me and being the best me I can be. No boyfriend for me, no sex for me, and no liquor for me.

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