‘But that’s the thing. He made more than one.’ She hesitates, and when she goes on her voice is lowered, like she’s struggling to find the words. ‘He scared me. I wasn’t wearing anything like you are now but they treated me like a piece of meat. An object for their amusement … Maybe for their sexual gratification.’ Her voice wobbles and then gets stronger. ‘I cared about Hayden but I can’t pretend anymore. The punch Sean threw wasn’t the only wrong thing that happened. What they did, whatever they had planned, it wasn’t okay.’
In my mind I see again her pale face looking up from where Hayden had pushed her into the mud, and I see her desperately trying to stop the fight. ‘It wasn’t okay,’ I agree.
We share a smile. And maybe the beginnings of understanding.
She hooks her thumb at the bags. ‘That’s pretty much all our worldly goods. Your friends basically trashed our house last night.’
My friends, who may be responsible for my dog escaping. More guilt. ‘I’m sorry.’ And then, because she’s looking at me like she wants more, ‘I don’t think they’re my friends anymore.’ It shouldn’t hurt so much but my voice catches on the words. It’s only really Bree I miss. My hand automatically drops to my pocket and my silent phone, but I don’t check it. I’d have heard the beep if a text had come through.
Scarlett shrugs and winks. ‘I don’t really mind about the house. It’s much nicer here anyway.’
She returns to her magazine and I head out to the surgery.
Javier is standing in the waiting room. ‘I was about to come and get you.’
He leads me back to where Rhett is waiting. He’s put on a t-shirt. Some of my fear subsides when I see his gorgeous smile. ‘Your dog’s a little champ.’
‘I know.’
‘He’s still sedated, but he’s come through really well.’ Rhett’s hand links with mine as he shows me the open, airy kennel space. I lean against the bars and spot the regular rise and fall of Lion’s chest. His leg has been shaved and there are big black stitches across the wound. There’s a tube going into his mouth. Tape holds it in place.
‘The tube is dual purpose,’ Rhett explains. ‘We can administer pain medication as well as keep his fluids up.’
We stand together for a long minute, side by side, watching Lion. Rhett doesn’t hurry me up or act impatient. I love that about him. Even when I know he has something to say, he gives me all the time I need. When I look up at him at last, he raises an eyebrow. ‘Ready to talk about it?’
‘Yes.’
Javier leans back against the bench and consults his notes before speaking. ‘As Rhett suspected, the little guy has a broken leg. However, that’s the least of his problems. More concerning is the blood loss and possible damage to his insides.’
‘Will he be okay?’
‘At the moment he’s in no pain. A lot will depend on whether he makes it through the night.’
I feel Rhett squeeze my fingers, and try to find my manners. ‘Thank you.’
Javier smiles. ‘He’s a fighter, and thanks to Rhett’s quick call and preparation, we’ve been able to give him every chance.’
‘Thank you,’ I say again. The words seem too small for what they’ve done for my dog, but I can’t think of any others. ‘I’ll pay for everything. As soon as I can.’
‘Glad to help,’ says Javier. He prints out a bill—it says I have seven days to pay. That will give me time to come back with my debit card. After tomorrow. It’s hard to think beyond the decision I still have to make.
He turns to Rhett. ‘I’ll be next door if you need me.’ He offers me a wave and strides out the back door. It swings shut behind him.
We’re alone. And I suddenly become aware of Rhett on a cellular level. His blood. His sweat. The whisper of each breath.
Rhett’s gaze sweeps across me and it’s hungry and yearning all at once, as though we’ve been apart forever, even though it’s only been a few hours.
It’s exactly how I feel.
‘You were great with Lion,’ I say quietly. ‘I can’t tell you what it means …’ Literally, it seems—my voice fails me as the emotion threatens to spill over as tears. I blink hard.
He squeezes my fingers. ‘It’s just my job.’
‘No. You were so good with him. With me, too. You’re selling yourself short. You have to become a vet.’
‘Except for the cost and the fact that I already have a job.’
‘You’re smart. There are scholarships. Part-time courses. You’ll work something out.’
He tilts his head as though he’s considering what I’m saying. ‘Ma and Scarlett need my income, especially now, with the house damaged. And Ma needs tests.’
‘Is she okay?’
‘I think she will be but there’s a lot going on.’
‘I get that, but have you even looked into what programs are available?’
‘No.’
I raise my eyebrows and his chuckle vibrates right through me. His lips curve. ‘You won’t let this go, will you?’
‘I will if you promise to check it out.’
He brushes a kiss across my forehead. ‘Maybe I will.’
‘It’s a start.’
‘Nice top, by the way,’ he teases. His voice is gentle, cautious, like he’s not sure whether I’m ready for a joke, but when I look down at the tight white tank with its red sequined lips across my chest, I have to smile. ‘She could have found something a little more, well, me, but it’s clean.’
His finger trails along the neckline, sending heat through my blood. ‘I didn’t say I didn’t like it.’
My cheeks flush. I want to press against his hand but with Lion still not out of danger it feels wrong. I edge away from his touch and try to ignore the flash of hurt in his eyes.
‘I’m scared that it wasn’t an accident,’ I say in an attempt to explain. So much for keeping my suspicions to myself.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Jonny came around this morning. He was angry … and then Lion … the gate was open.’ Putting it into words is more than I can stand.
It doesn’t matter, he gets the idea. His jaw tenses and he draws in a deep breath. His eyes darken to almost black. ‘What did he say to you?’
The steady, distant tone is more frightening than if he’d yelled. I remember him telling me about his temper. I shouldn’t have said anything. Too late. Now it’s me who reaches out to him, touching his forearm, the muscles like stone. ‘It could have been a coincidence.’
‘Do you really think so?’
I swallow hard. ‘No.’
He spins away. ‘I need to think.’
I stare at the straight lines of his back and don’t dare approach him again. The caring boy he was a minute ago is completely closed off.
‘Can we go for a walk or something?’ I ask.
‘I need to clean up,’ he replies without turning my way.
Logic says I should go home, but the world only makes sense when I’m with Rhett. ‘I can wait.’
He hesitates and I think he’s going to stare at that wall until I go, but then he turns. He’s not angry. Not at me. But there’s a distance in him that I didn’t see before. He softens a fraction. One finger brushes along my cheek, under my eye, and I know he sees how tired I am. ‘I’ll probably be a while.’
‘But—’
He presses a kiss to my open mouth, but is careful not to touch me anywhere else. I want to tell him I don’t care about his sweat but he speaks before I get a chance. ‘I promise I’ll come by tonight to give you an update on Lion.’
I try to imagine Rhett in my living room, but after what happened with Mum this morning, I can’t. I’ve become so good at not thinking about Mum and her attacks, I’d nearly forgotten about this latest outburst. My head aches with everything that’s happened. Maybe some space would be good. ‘I don’t think you’d be welcome. My mum … she’s not well.’
It’s a lame excuse but he doesn’t argue. I’m not sure he’s even really listening.
‘Look,’ he says. ‘I’ll see you later. I’ll work out a way.’
I should tell him to stay away, but I nod. ‘Later.’
CHAPTER
16
Rhett
‘She was right, you know.’
I turn at the sound of Javier’s voice. He’s leaning against the frame of the door that leads back out to the waiting room. He’s looking at me and his eyes see far too much. I refocus on the little dog in the cage, making sure there’s enough fluid in his IV. ‘Who?’
‘Callie. Everything she said about you selling yourself short.’
I’m trying not to think about what Callie said. Her accusation that I’m taking the easy path stung. ‘Listening in on my conversations now, are you?’
‘Hard to miss when you’re using my surgery to pick up girls.’
My head snaps up. ‘I wasn’t.’
He stares me down for a long moment. Then the corner of his mouth curves.
Damn it. Normally I don’t fall for his teasing, but Callie has my mind all over the place.
I straighten and move to the sink to wash my hands. ‘I’m not in the mood.’
He waits for me to finish up and checks the surgery is secure. We cut across the gravel lot behind the surgery and through the side gate into his yard but he stops at the three steps leading up to the back porch. ‘You have a talent,’ he says softly.
‘For getting myself in trouble.’
His hand is heavy on my shoulder; it forces me to look at him. ‘Stop the smart-arse routine for five seconds and listen. You get good marks without time to study. You’re great with the animals. You care, but you’re not some bleeding heart.’
I squirm and try to look away. He doesn’t let me.
‘I don’t have any interest in flattering your ego. Great is great. You shouldn’t waste that. Tell me, how did it feel to be in charge in an emergency?’
There’s movement in the kitchen. Scarlett’s figure flits past the window, but she’s too far away to hear us. I kick at the neatly trimmed grass.
Good. It felt really good. The knowledge that I was able to help Callie’s dog before Javier arrived, that everything I’d seen my boss do over the last few years had sunk in, that I was useful and needed for my skills, was a rush completely different to anything I’ve ever felt before.
Sure, Ma and Scarlett need me. But it’s to help pay the rent. Or to kill a spider or change a light bulb. Most of the time, I could be anyone.
But when I helped Lion …
I shrug. ‘I was too busy to think about it.’
‘Bullshit.’ As usual Javier sees straight through me.
‘It doesn’t matter anyway. Vet students don’t earn enough money to look after a family.’
‘You’re still a kid. What about your dreams?’
My laugh is hollow. ‘I gave up on fairytales a long time ago.’
Javier lowers himself to the top step and looks at me expectantly until I sit down beside him. ‘You don’t have to sacrifice everything for them. You don’t have to do this alone.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong. Alone is the only way.’
‘Really?’ He quirks a brow. ‘That’s why you’re pining after a girl from the other side of the creek?’
‘I’m not pining,’ I mutter.
He ignores my lie, nudging me with his elbow. ‘If you wanted to be a vet—or anything else for that matter—I’d be willing to help you work out a way.’
For a second, there on Javier’s perfectly polished back steps, overlooking his neat, well-kept garden, I let myself imagine.
Studying at uni, doing something just for me. Being free of the weight of Scarlett and Ma. Maybe there’s a course at wherever Callie is going to study medicine. I picture us meeting between classes, her seeing me as an equal. Having the right to touch her and hold her and be with her.
In my mind, I see us graduating. Ma’s sitting in the front row, her eyes shining with pride. I’m ten feet freaking tall as I stride across the stage. It’s brilliant.
It’s impossible.
The ache of what is never going to be slices between my ribs to the softness inside. ‘It’s not going to happen.’
‘Why? I want to help you.’
He means it, for now, but how do I know he’ll still want to help next month, next year? If he pulled the rug out, we’d all be screwed. As nice as this place is, it isn’t ours and I can’t let myself pretend we’re home—no matter how much I might want to. ‘I can’t owe someone that kind of debt.’
‘You wouldn’t owe me anything.’
It’s too tempting. Too painfully fantasyland for me to stand here talking about it. And why is he being so nice anyway? I remember Scarlett’s comment about Javier using us to atone for something from his past.
I try to keep my tone light. ‘You say that now, but you’d work out soon enough that helping us isn’t going to make up for whatever is on your conscience.’
He flinches. ‘Who says I’ve got anything on my conscience?’
‘You’re asking me to trust you with my family but you can’t even be honest with me.’
‘I’ve never lied.’
‘Remember where we met? I know why I was there, but you’ve been pretty quiet on the subject.’ I’m speaking as I think, all the nagging questions of the last few years. ‘No-one goes to anger counselling if they don’t have to. You did something terrible and now you don’t have your family. It doesn’t take a genius to work it out.’
The skin on Javier’s cheeks seems to tighten as the colour drains away. This man has been my only true friend, but I can’t seem to stop myself.
‘What happened to them? It must have been pretty bad.’
He shrinks before my eyes, drawing in on himself, but he still doesn’t speak. He doesn’t tell me to shut up.
So I don’t. ‘You can’t use my family to make up for your mistakes. You’ll work that out sometime and then what happens? Maybe it feels good right now to treat us as your personal charity, but one day we’ll be a burden and then I’ll be worse off than I am now, all because I chased some stupid dream.’ I’m standing by the time I finish, arms crossed, mad that he’s even suggested something so brilliantly impossible.
But Javier hasn’t moved. He takes blow after blow and doesn’t hit back.
My anger fades with each breath. And the guilt returns in its place, heavier than before.
As the sun sinks in the sky and the light turns pink, part of me wants him to explode. He’d pound me, but any pain from a fight would be better than the agony currently ripping through me as I realise what I’ve done and who I’ve done it to.
Javier is the only one I can count on.
At least, he was, before he dared show me hope.
The last of the fire leaves my gut and I’m weak and sorry, so, so sorry.
He’s silent.
‘I’m sorry,’ I try.
Javier’s like stone.
‘Say something,’ I beg.
He doesn’t. I pace the grass, needing to move. Regret makes my fists curl, but the only person I want to strike is myself.
Each time I pass the gate, I think of running. From Javier and my latest mistake. But his very stillness keeps me here. I’m afraid I’ve broken him.
I’m on the third pass when Javier exhales at last. ‘I lost it all because I lost my temper.’ His voice is so soft I should have to strain to hear it, but somehow it carries. ‘Again. It wasn’t the first time.’ His mouth twists into a crooked smile, but I’ve never seen anything sadder. ‘The pressure of finishing my degree and trying to keep my wife and child fed were fuel added to a problem I’d ignored since childhood. I was angry. All the time.’
I open my mouth to say I understand, but he holds his hand up, cutting me off.
He still doesn’t look my way. Instead, his gaze is fixed on the far white wall of the surgery. Staring into the past. ‘It was late on a Wednesday night. I’d had a few beers to relax after finishing work as a cl
eaner. I still had a paper to write and a test to study for. My body ached, my brain was fried. I’d had enough of it all. My little girl was already in her cot when I got home and I was so stressed and tired from my shitty day I hadn’t even got around to checking on her. I collapsed on the couch and opened another beer while shovelling a bowl of cold stew into my gob.’ His eyes close, he gulps a breath. ‘My wife showed me a letter. Debt collectors had come by that day and she didn’t know what to do, so she gave them the last of our money. Money that was supposed to pay our rent. The pressure of it all felt inescapable, and I screamed at her. Took out all my frustration on the woman I loved with all my heart, and I couldn’t stop … I couldn’t stop …’
He trails off.
I want to know the rest, but he’s given me so much over the last few years. I don’t know why I’ve demanded this of him too. ‘You don’t have to—’
‘No.’ His eyes open and I can hardly bear to hold his gaze, there’s so much pain there. ‘You’re right. You deserve to know this if I’m asking you to trust your family to my care.’
I drop to my haunches in front of him ‘It’s okay. I don’t need to know.’
His eyes are shining with tears, pink in the setting sun. ‘But I need to tell you.’
Seeing tears in Javier’s eyes just about brings them to mine. He’s the strongest person I know, but now that he’s showing me his weakness, I only admire him more. He was there for me when I spilled my past and I want to be here for him now. I can’t lift him up from the floor, but I sense I won’t have to.
And I can listen. ‘Go on.’
‘She took it all. The abuse. The blame. The stupid rant I didn’t even really mean. Tears were streaming down her face but she didn’t bow her head. Not once. God, I loved that woman.’
He’s crying now. Silent tears that he doesn’t wipe away. ‘She and my baby, together they were my world. They were the reason I was working so damn hard. I wanted to give them the best and instead …’ His voice chokes up. ‘When I ran out of breath my beautiful wife didn’t yell back. She said I was tired and she loved me and I should rest. Then she headed upstairs to where our baby slept. But the anger wouldn’t quit.’ His hands grip the edge of the wooden porch like it’s a lifeline. ‘I drank more. And more. Then I smashed the bottles because the sound matched my mood. At some point, I must have passed out.’
What I Saw Page 18
