What I Saw

by Beck Nicholas

  ‘Oh.’

  That explains why Dad couldn’t find her. She must have been on a mission to see Rhett, probably thanks to my message. I find my voice. ‘What did she say?’

  ‘Only to keep away from you.’

  ‘Why the comment about her being unstable?’

  His eyes crinkle. ‘The way she said it.’

  I lift my hand to his jaw and hear his breath catch. His eyes darken to black and his gaze drops to my mouth. Kissing Rhett would change the subject. And it would be good. More than good. But not talking won’t help. I bring my hands back together. ‘She had a breakdown.’

  ‘Sean mentioned something like that.’

  ‘Sean? When? He said he’d been walking around. Did he threaten you?’

  ‘No. He came by the house. I think he felt bad when he saw what they’d done. But he didn’t give any details about your mum. What happened?’

  I square my shoulders. ‘She’s always been sensitive, tightly wound. But it got worse after Roxy died. She saw different doctors, tried different meds. She even went away for a few weeks at one stage, to rest.’ It’s easier to say than I thought, and I wonder why I never shared it with anyone. ‘They helped her.’

  ‘And this thing with Sean—?’

  ‘Could tip her right over the edge. She’s always talked about how proud she is of us and how wonderful things will be when I’m a doctor.’

  ‘No pressure, then.’

  I sigh. ‘Nope.’

  I’m holding myself still, waiting for the moment Rhett pulls away because there’s this illness in my family. Instead he leans closer, kisses me softly on the mouth. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Trusting me.’

  He says it with awe and I want to tell him I don’t just trust him, I think I’m falling in love with him. But there are limits to my newfound ability to let people in. Instead I try to show him how I feel, pulling him against me for another kiss.

  Sweet and hot.

  And another.

  The only light shines through the tree branches. My sheer curtains dance in the breeze through the open window.

  We kiss and kiss and he eases me back onto my bed, a question in his eyes. I’ve never had so much power. ‘Kiss me again.’

  He does. I can’t believe I’m lying on my bed with Rhett, feeling more than I ever thought I could feel. I don’t want to be anywhere else.

  We pull apart, struggling for breath. I expect him to move in to take things further but he doesn’t move to touch me. His gaze sweeps over me from my singlet to my bare toes. ‘You aren’t who I thought you were,’ he whispers. ‘Before.’

  I lift my eyebrows.

  ‘Guys … talk. We’re mostly full of crap. We sometimes want things we can’t have. I always thought you were hot.’

  I’m not sure where this is going. ‘That’s why you’re here, to fulfil some fantasy?’

  He groans and rubs hard at his head. ‘No. Yes. I’m no good with words. I’m trying to say you’re more than hot. You’re amazing, and I hate that I’ve walked past you in the school yard for so many years and I didn’t know.’

  ‘Would it have made a difference?’

  His lips curve. ‘Yes, I would have whisked you away long before now.’

  I love the sound of it, the two of us together, everything else forgotten like it is when we kiss. ‘Sounds like fun.’

  He shakes his head, mock serious. ‘More than fun.’

  This time his kiss has an intensity I feel right through to my toes. His finger slides along the waistband of my pink cotton pyjama pants. My belly contracts, the skin alight.

  I’ve seen Rhett without a shirt and now I want to touch him. My hands explore the muscles of his chest, slowly slipping over his flat stomach.

  He sucks in air. I want more, to feel the heat of his skin against mine.

  I press closer. He’s hot and smooth and rough all at once. His mouth demands more from me and I willingly give it, my tongue touching his, my lips hungry for him.

  Jonny was always pressuring me to let go, but I could never stop thinking with him. The mechanics of noses and hands and angles overwhelmed any spark between us. But in Rhett’s arms there’s no thought required. Only a desperate need to feed the ache he’s created inside me.

  His hands slide up my waist, lifting the singlet and baring my skin. His tongue traces the bones of my ribs while his hands move higher. He’s slow and gentle, always giving me the chance to move away. I don’t. I can’t.

  His fingertips graze the underside of where my bra isn’t. I gasp.

  We both laugh, nervous, and he kisses me again. ‘You okay?’

  ‘Uh huh.’ I clear my throat. ‘Yes.’

  We tangle fingers and mash teeth and laugh again even as we come back for more. I could kiss him forever. I run my hand over the bristle of short hair on his scalp and shiver at the sensation.

  There’s the thud of heavy footsteps in the hall.

  ‘Crap.’

  We scramble.

  Rhett drops to the floor on the other side of my bed. My breath is harsh in my ears and I can feel the rawness of my mouth from where we’ve been kissing. If whoever is outside my door turns on the light, they’ll know I haven’t been in here alone.

  I hope that Rhett is concealed and scrabble at my quilt, burrowing my face into the pillow. The thud of my heart makes it impossible to hear anything. I try to calm my breathing and then stop entirely as the handle turns and the door opens a little.

  A familiar shape blocks the hall light. Dad.

  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

  I hold perfectly still.

  ‘I just wanted to let you know that your mum … she’s home safe.’

  This would be when I call him on his lie about her ‘resting’ earlier. Except I didn’t believe it anyway, and I hardly want to get into a conversation with him now.

  ‘Mmm …’ I mumble in my best impression of sleepiness. It comes out kind of panicked, but Dad doesn’t seem to notice.

  ‘Okay, well, night, Sweetheart.’

  The door clicks shut.

  That was close. Neither Rhett nor I move for a long time after the footsteps have well and truly faded. We sit and I glance at him, suddenly shy. The abandon of before has disappeared under a wave of reality.

  ‘It’s late,’ I say finally.

  A part of me wants him to argue. If there was a way, I’d snuggle under the quilt with him and forget the rest of the world.

  But his slow nod confirms just how impossible that is. ‘Yeah.’ He kisses me gently.

  We cross to the window, our hands linked. I need this connection for as long as I can have it. Eventually he tugs free.

  It’s stupid but I want to cry.

  ‘Night.’

  He brushes a feather-light kiss across my lips. ‘This will all be over tomorrow,’ he promises.

  I know he believes it. ‘For you maybe.’ I can’t hide the sadness in my smile. ‘For my family it will only be beginning.’

  He pulls himself over the edge of the window sill and climbs down the tree. I hold my breath until he’s safely on the ground and then watch as he cuts through the yard and disappears around the corner.

  I shut the window and lie back on the bed.

  I’m exhausted, but no closer to sleep. I inhale Rhett with every breath and my body is still on edge, wanting his touch. I replay everything he said and the emotion in his eyes.

  He cares about me.

  Despite the worry of tomorrow, I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face. Soon it will be over. I’m doing the right thing.

  CHAPTER

  20

  Rhett

  I lean against the fence around the corner from Callie’s house, breathing hard. Part of me wants to go back. The ache to touch her has only been increased by our make-out session on her bed.

  The feel of her breast …

  I groan aloud. God, I want that girl. But I don’t want to get her in any more trouble. I
refuse to be the criminal her mother accused me of being. I lost my head for a while, but her dad coming in let me regain control.

  I almost call her three times before I make it back to Javier’s. My plan to sneak back in without talking to anyone falls apart when Javier opens the door.

  He sighs. ‘We need to talk.’

  ‘Is it Ma? Lion?’

  He shakes his head and I follow him to where Scarlett is glued to the television. She shoots me a glare—still annoyed that I wiped her precious evidence.

  Javier mutes the television and his serious expression takes in both of us. The muscles across my shoulders tighten.

  ‘You’ve changed your mind.’ Scarlett blurts what I was thinking.

  Javier’s stern expression becomes confused. ‘No.’

  Scarlett and I share a relieved glance.

  ‘But I think we need to set some ground rules,’ he adds.

  ‘It’s only fair, I guess,’ I say. ‘But Scarlett and I have become pretty used to doing our own thing.’

  ‘I understand, and I’m not talking about anything extreme. Mostly it’s about sharing this place with respect for me and for your mother, who needs to rest.’

  There’s that protective note in his voice again. I see Scarlett’s lips twitch. She must have heard it too.

  ‘Fair enough,’ I say.

  ‘Fine,’ says Scarlett.

  He lays out a basic curfew and a roster for sharing cooking and cleaning. When we agree, he wipes his hand across his forehead in mock relief. ‘I thought that would be harder.’

  He doesn’t seem to realise just how grateful we are that he’s letting us stay here. I grin. ‘Maybe you need to come up with something more gruelling next time.’

  ‘Like?’

  ‘Bars on the windows?’ I suggest.

  ‘Drug testing?’ says Scarlett.

  ‘I’ll work on it.’

  I head to bed with a light step but my thoughts quickly return to Callie. And not the softness of her skin, although that’s not something I can easily forget.

  I’m getting changed when something thuds to the floor. Javier’s mobile. Before I can think about the late hour or how desperate I’ll seem, I lie back and dial Callie’s number.

  ‘Hello?’ Her voice is muffled with sleep.

  It’s cute and sexy and I smile at the ceiling. ‘I woke you.’

  ‘No.’ There’s the rustle of a quilt. ‘Well, yes, but I don’t mind. Did you want something?’

  ‘You.’

  She giggles, a most un-Callie-like sound. I kind of like that I can do that to her. ‘Anything else?’

  And suddenly I’m not sure why I rang. To hear her voice maybe, because I couldn’t wait until morning. Or maybe because I can’t shake the doubts about what telling the truth might cost her. I ask something else instead. ‘Your glasses, can you see without them?’

  ‘Enough.’

  ‘So you know it was me you kissed?’

  She giggles again. ‘Yes.’

  With nothing left to say, I can’t avoid my worries. ‘Are you sure?’ I ask softly.

  She doesn’t ask me what I mean. ‘I … I think so.’

  Despite the hesitation, she actually sounds it. The gift closes my throat and I’m glad no-one can see the soppy expression on my face. I know she’s doing it because it’s the right thing, but I know it’s also just a little for me.

  ‘You don’t have to.’ The words slip out before I can filter them.

  She doesn’t say anything.

  Idiot. As if she doesn’t know that by now. I try again. ‘What I mean is, not for my sake.’

  ‘You don’t want me to tell?’

  She says it like she’s sure. I guess part of me still can’t believe it will happen. That in the morning she’ll risk everything to clear my name. ‘I won’t be mad if you change your mind.’

  She doesn’t reply and I think she’s maybe hung up, but then she sighs. ‘Why are you so angry?’

  ‘I’m not. Not at you anyway.’

  ‘You talk about having this temper like it’s something you can’t control, but you’ve been so gentle with me. What happened to make you think you don’t deserve a future?’

  ‘You know what happened. I fought back against some sleaze who tried to have his way with my sister. That means I have a history of violence. This thing with Hayden won’t be brushed aside as boys being boys.’

  It should be enough, but as usual, not for Callie. ‘There’s more.’

  I’m relieved she can’t see me through the phone. Her eyes see too deeply and too much. ‘Nah,’ I say lightly. ‘I’m a simple guy.’

  ‘I don’t believe it.’

  ‘Callie,’ I try to put a warning in my tone. ‘Don’t push.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  The world narrows to breathing in and out, like it did when I was small. Back then I always wondered whether the next breath would come. The darkness swirling at the edge of my vision would break over me as I fought to keep my eyes open.

  I fought.

  With everything I had, that last time. A small animal who couldn’t take another blow.

  Tears sting my eyes, but I won’t cry. Not when Callie can hear me. I have to be strong.

  ‘My dad had a temper. He’s in jail now, for a fight in a bar or something, but it was always worse at home.’

  She gasps. ‘He hit you.’

  Those three words don’t begin to describe the poundings, but she doesn’t need details. ‘Yeah. And I have his temper.’

  ‘You don’t.’

  She’s so damn quick to disagree, but that’s only because she doesn’t really know me. ‘Look, forget it. I just wanted you to know I don’t expect anything from you.’

  Or anyone else.

  There’s a long silence. I imagine her, sexy and sweet on her bed, staring at the ceiling or maybe looking out at the tree I climbed not so long ago.

  ‘But—’

  ‘Forget about me and my problems,’ I say. ‘I’ll handle it. There’s no reason for you to be involved.’ I’m stammering to get it out.

  ‘You want me to protect Sean?’

  I don’t blame her for sounding confused. I’m confused too, but I can’t shake the need to protect her. Not after the time I’ve spent with her, and the glimpse I’ve seen of how hard she has it at home. ‘I don’t want you to get in trouble for me.’

  There’s a noise in the background like a door opening and her voice lowers. ‘I have to go. We’ll talk in the morning.’

  ‘Okay. I …’

  I don’t know what I’m going to say. I’ve never told a girl I love her before but the whole mushy declaration is suddenly on my lips.

  I don’t know if I would have said it but before I can find out, there’s a hurried, ‘Night,’ and she disconnects.

  I stare up at the white ceiling and marvel that there are no spider webs blanketing the corners and not a single mould mark. This is the kind of life Callie’s used to. I don’t want to be the one who wrecks it for her. She’s hardly going to look at me with adoration when her brother’s carted off and her mum’s committed to the crazy house.

  But it’s too late. In the morning she’s going to tell.

  There has to be another way.

  Even if telling the truth is the right thing to do, she’ll end up hating me for it. I can’t let that happen. I care about her too much to make her go through the pain.

  There’s only one way. I have to leave town.

  * * *

  A short time later, I’m in front of our house. Streetlight maintenance isn’t great this side of the creek and if you ignored the smashed windows, you wouldn’t know anything had happened here.

  Except it did.

  Pushing regret aside, I walk through the silent house. It’s stupid, me coming here. A foolish whim I shouldn’t have acted on. But that doesn’t stop me heading to where I used to sleep.

  I know my guitar won’t have survived the mess they made. But I can’t help but hope that I
can do this for Callie. That I can give her something.

  Out the back, my camp bed is overturned, just like it was when I grabbed my clothes. I didn’t look for my guitar then. I was too worried about the doctor, and too afraid of what I’d find.

  I tip the bed back over in one shove. Air rushes from my chest. There it is. My guitar, completely unscratched. I fight back a laugh. It might not be much of a victory, but at least they didn’t get everything last night. I think of Scarlett and Ma, safe at Javier’s. They didn’t get much at all.

  I’m heading back out the front door when I see someone standing by the fence. My heart thuds. I know that shape, even in this light. ‘Dad?’

  All my what-ifs and worries about him getting out collide in this moment. My guitar falls silent on the weeds behind me.

  He comes towards me. Not the giant of my nightmares but a middle-aged man running to fat whose greasy skin shines in the low light. ‘Son,’ he says with forced cheer.

  Like he’s happy to see me.

  I’m not buying it. ‘Save the reunion speech. What do you want?’

  He wipes a hand across his eyes. ‘Just wanted to see my family. You can’t blame a man for that.’

  ‘No.’ I don’t know who’s more surprised, but when I hear my voice, strong and sure, I know this has been coming for a long time. ‘No. We don’t want to see you anymore.’

  He takes a step towards me and our eyes are level. He notices too, and takes a step back. ‘C’mon, Rhett, don’t be like that. What about cash? Do you have any on you?’

  He’s whining. He’s actually whining.

  I fold my arms, realising for the first time that I could probably take him. And because of that, I know I won’t have to. He’s never been interested in picking on someone his own size. ‘No,’ I repeat.

  ‘Let me stay here then. It’s only a couple of days. I have this thing up north. A job they set me up with.’

  I should have known he had no intention of actually hanging around. ‘Then maybe you should get going early. Make a good impression.’

  He looks me up and down, then turns without another word. And he’s gone.

  Tears prick my eyes. It was so easy to get rid of him.

  And so damn hard.

  Maybe I’m not so different from Ma and Scarlett. I still held the flicker of hope that he’d want to see us. But all he wanted was money and somewhere to stay. With that off the table he was gone without a second glance.