Diary of a Chav

by Grace Dent

  Me, Carrie, Luther, Sonia Cathcart, Sean Burton, the Bean twins, Kezia, and Chantalle Strong all stood by the school gates and watched as the flames began to take hold of the assembly hall. We waited for the fire engine and we waited and waited but it didn’t come, and eventually Mr. Bamblebury called 911 again and the fire brigade said they were sorry but they were on their works dinner and they’d assumed it was another Mayflower end-of-term prank so they’d been finishing their Christmas pudding. And by that point the roof of the assembly hall had pretty much gone and the local newspaper and TV crews had arrived, and that’s how we ended up on the front of the Ilford Bugle with the headline YET ANOTHER CHRISTMAS SHAMBLES FOR SUPERCHAV ACADEMY.

  This year it was totally not my fault, so in a funny way that is progress.

  FRIDAY 20TH DECEMBER

  I went to Pizza Partyland in Romford tonight with Wesley Barrington Bains II. He picked me up in his banana-yellow Golf at 7:30 pm. The entire family stood at the window and waved me off, which was totally embarrassing but made Wesley laugh lots. Wesley thinks my family are proper jokes. I s’pose they have their moments. I thought it might be a bit awkward going out on a date with Wesley ’cos we have been just good friends for a long time, but it wasn’t at all. We had the Ho Ho Ho — Festive Partyland Special which was a turkey-and-stuffing pizza with jalapeños and Christmas-pudding ice cream to follow. We drove the long way home afterwards and sat outside my house for a bit in the car, talking about life and all that. He gave me a kiss. A proper kiss. Properly on the mouth. His lips are lovely and he closes his eyes when he kisses. I am so happy that I keep wanting to be sick.

  He is the most beautiful boy in the whole world ever.

  THURSDAY 25TH DECEMBER — CHRISTMAS DAY

  A lot of people moan about Christmas but I don’t know why ’cos it is proper amazing. Cava-Sue sat up in bed this morning at about 8 AM and she laughed and shouted, “’Ere Shiraz, Santa’s been! He’s been!” And I thought she was maybe still drunk ’cos she was right tipsy when she climbed the ladder last night, but then I sat up in bed and she was right, there were two bags at the end of our bunks with boxes of chocolate and Top Shop gift cards and some necklaces and gold hoops and stuff! Mum is still swearing down dead it wasn’t her.

  I went downstairs and Dad was wandering about in a pair of flashing antlers reminding everyone about how early he had to get up for the turkey, and the dog was begging Quality Street chocolate and Murphy got a new PS2 game called Death Swamp 3, and Mum was in her nightie having a go at killing swampbeasts. Me and Cava-Sue peeled some spuds and danced to Radio One, and Murphy never took the mickey once about me and Wesley, and Cava-Sue didn’t pretend to not know any of the “commercial songs,” and Mum never moaned about Cava-Sue being drunk last night, and we all laughed a lot. That’s the good thing about Christmas Day, it’s all about getting along.

  Nan came over at twelve o’clock and we all had a glass of sparkly wine with orange in it, like rich folk do. Then we ate Christmas dinner and Christmas pudding and no one mentioned the burned sausages, and the dog was allowed a plate of turkey and stuffing and we wore wonky paper-hats and we told silly jokes and Dad got a bit drunk and did his Elvis-Presley-on-the-toilet impression again.

  Nan and Mum got on quite well and no one called Cava-Sue or Lewis scroungers. Then Wesley Barrington Bains II came round for a Christmas drink and my dad, brother, and Lewis whipped him off to the kitchen and they played poker for money and drank lagers.

  I’ve just opened Nan’s pressies. She got me another diary. And this big huge massive book which is the Complete Works of Shakespeare. Nan says it will come in handy next year when I stay on and study. Cava-Sue and Nan both agree that I’ll have to tell Mum soon, ’cos it’ll cause World War Three when she finds out. They both say I might as well get it over and done with as soon as possible.

  But as I say, Christmas is all about getting along together and peace and goodwill to mankind and that sort of malarkey.

  I’ll probably tell her tomorrow.

  Hello Shirazheads, how’s it going, okay?!

  Okay, it’s been brought to my attention by some bare jokes people that although Shiraz Bailey Wood always “keeps it real,” sometimes she don’t always speak real English like it’s supposed to be talked! I’m just me though, innit? I can’t be no one different, can I?

  Anyway, I don’t want my lovely American cousins to feel confused, so here is what posh folk would call a “glossary.” Basically, it’s a list of words so you can understand what the flipping heck I’m yaddering on about. Hope it helps. Love and stuff,

  — Shiraz xxx

  GLOSSARY

  Acceptable Behavior Contract: (n.) A piece of paper one signs and gives to the UK government to say you promise to stop being a total jerk to everyone you live near. People sign ABCs instead of going to jail or paying fines, then when they break their contract (which they normally do ’cos they’re jerks) they’re in even more trouble.

  A-Level: (n.) Advanced level exams. Teenagers take these at 18 to qualify to go on to University. You can either leave school at 16 and work somewhere rubbish like a pakora factory or make a choice to carry on in education and do your A-Levels. But A-Levels are really tough so only the nerds and swots end up doing them.

  ASBO: (n.) Anti-social behavior order. The police give ASBOs to people to stop them causing trouble in a certain place. So if you always cause trouble in the park, your ASBO might forbid you visiting the park for 6 months. The Brunton-Fletchers have a lot of ASBOs.

  Asylum seeker: (n.) People from all over the world who come to Britain looking for help and a place to stay when they’re about to be killed back home.

  Baps: (n.) Boobs. Also boobies, breasts, blouse potatoes.

  Barney: (n.) 1: Carrie Draper’s dad. 2: An argument. “I was having a right old barney with him.”

  Bashment: (n.) A party.

  Bint: (n.) An annoying woman. “’Ere I was standing in the line at KFC, right, and this bint pushes in before me and orders a Bargain Bucket!”

  Blank: (vb.) To ignore someone. “So he comes over, right? And he’s being all up in my face trying to make me notice him but I just totally blanked him.”

  Blinding: (adj.) Amazing, incredible. Not so incredible you actually poke your eyes out though. That would be proper dangerous.

  Bogtrots: (n.) When you have to trot (run) to the bog (the loo) after eating something that makes you feel ill and is determined to make a quick exit out of your bum.

  Bollocks:1: (n.) Dangly items found in boys’ underpants, which normally come in a pair. 2: (adj.) Bull. “Have you heard the new Usher album?” “Oh yeah, it’s a bit bollocks if you ask me.”3: A curse. “BOLLOCKS! I’ve lost my phone again!”

  Bredren: (n.) Brother or brothers. Except not your real brothers, just your friends or your crew. “Aight bredren, how’s it going?”

  Buzzing: (vb.) Feeling really excited.

  Chattering classes: (n.) The posh people who write newspapers and make TV shows in Britain who think they know everything.

  Chav: (n.) A poor working class person in Britain. Not a nice word. A bit like calling someone “trailer trash.” I am NOT a chav by the way. (Okay, Uma Brunton-Fletcher is a bit though ’cos they have a broken refrigerator in their front garden.)

  Cheggers: (n.) Wacky, krrrazy, totally “mental” tv presenter who appears on GMTV (Good Morning Television!) in Britain banging on people’s doors at 7 AM and giving them a surprise cheque. Man this guy sucks, big time.

  Chippy: (n.) The fish and chip shop. “Oi, if you’re going down the chippy get me a battered sausage and a pickled egg!”

  Chuck(ed) a sickie: (vb.) Call your workplace and tell them you’re ill, when it might not exactly be true you’re ill; in fact, you’re actually just going to the beach.

  Chuffed: (adj.) Happy, pleased. “Awww, Wazzle is well chuffed, his ASBO doesn’t stretch as far as Wembley Stadium so we can get tickets for Beyoncé!”

  Coronation Street:
(n.) Soap opera about northern folk that has played three times a week in Britain since before dinosaurs roamed the earth.

  Cotch: (vb.) To hang out or stay somewhere. “You wanna cotch at my house tonight?”

  Dale Winton (n.) Skinny, very very camp, permanently fake orange-tanned TV presenter who appears on a low-budget British television channel presenting game shows.

  Dog Borstal: (n.) This is a show about dog training. Chavs love it as they all own Staffordshire Bull Terriers that wreck their sofas.

  Dossing: (vb.) To lie about doing nothing. “I’ve been dossing about all day.”

  Duffers: (n.) Old crinkly faced people who play Bingo and have either no hair or hair like cotton wool and stand on their front porches all day quacking on about “the youth of today” and take five hours to pay for a loaf of bread in the supermarket and believe that a nice cup of tea will solve everything and that life was better when Queen Victoria was monarch and it was legal to use five-year-old kids to clean chimneys and a good public hanging every Saturday kept everyone in order.

  Earwigging: (vb.) Listening to something you ain’t supposed to be. What mothers do when you’re on the phone. Or when a boy you fancy walks past and you want to hear what he’s saying.

  EastEnders: (n.) A soap opera about London folk which plays three times a week on BBC1 in Britain. It is properly depressing but everyone is addicted to it.

  Fancy: (vb.) To have the hots for someone. “I fancy him! I fancy him rotten!”

  Fangita-eater: (n.) This is a pretty, erm, rude word for a girl who thinks other girls are hot and doesn’t fancy boys.

  Fit: (adj.) Good looking. “He is soooo fit.” The Jonas Brothers are fit. Zac Ephron is fit. A girl can be fit too, though. But I don’t think girls are fit. I ain’t no fangita-eater or nothing.

  Fizzing: (adj.) Angry, irate.

  Flash: (adj.) Posh, like you’re wealthy. “He looked flash in his new suit.”

  Flog: (vb.) To sell something. “I’m going to flog my bike, I need some cash.”

  Front her out: (vb.) Stand up to her, don’t let her get the better of you. “She was being all aggressive but I fronted her out.”

  Gaff: (n.) House, home, where you live.

  GCSE: (n.) The exam sixteen-year-olds take before they can choose to move onto A-levels. Everyone who is sixteen in Britain takes GCSE exams. Then it’s your choice whether you want to quit school forever or study for some A-Levels, bearing in mind that studying for A-Levels will involve carrying on at school and being moaned at by teachers for another two years.

  Geezer: (n.) A man, a bloke, a guy.

  Get the hump: (vb.) To take offense. “So she says to me, ‘’Ere, was that dress on sale in Top Shop or something ’cos it well looks cheap?’ Well I proper got the hump, I did!”

  Gob: 1: (n.) Mouth. 2: (vb.) To spit. “He walked into class and gobbed his chewing gum on the floor! Ugh!”

  Gobby: (adj.) To be noisy and talk a lot.

  Goolies: (n.) Round, soft items which come in pairs and are usually located in the underpants district of boys. See also: Bollocks.

  Grass her up: (vb.) To tell the police/teachers/someone’s parents about someone. Narc, tattle, sing, tell, spill, squeal. “I had no choice mate, I had to grass her up!”

  Grime: (n.) A type of UK rap/dance music. Often comes from grime collectives, a gang of people who make grime music together.

  Gutted: (adj.) Really disappointed. So disappointed, you feel like someone’s smacked you in the guts.

  Hacked off: (adj.) Annoyed. “Is that lovebite on your neck from my Trevor?! OMG I am totally hacked off!”

  Hackiest look: (n.) Dirty look like you hate someone.

  Have a butcher’s at him: (vb.) Take a look at him. This is Cockney rhyming slang that comes from East London. It uses phrases that rhyme with a word to replace the word. “Look” rhymes with “butcher’s hook” so it becomes “butcher’s.” Likewise, “pork pies” rhymes with “lies” so you can tell what “telling porkies” is.

  Hollyoaks: (n.) Soap opera that shows five times a week on Channel Four in Britain. A bit like the British version of The OC or Gossip Girl. Beautiful people having “problems” and “scenarios” etc.

  Hoodie: (n.) A hooded sweatshirt or sports top. The British are obsessed with hoodies and think that if kids wear them with the hood up it means they’re a criminal. LMAO. “Hoodie” has now came to mean “kid who causes trouble.” “I’ll tell you who I reckon stole my car stereo? It’ll be those hoodies from down the road who hang out by the chicken shop!”

  Kinder Surprise Eggs: (n.) A small chocolate egg you get in Britain that always has little plastic toy in it that your put together yourself. It seems like the best candy ever when you’re a kid but now I think about it there’s only a limited amount of fun you can have with a plastic frog. It blows really.

  Kip: (vb.) To sleep. “Ah, man, get up. You can’t kip here on my couch, Mum’ll flip.”

  Knackered: (adj.) Tired, shattered, exhausted.

  Knob: (n.) A boy’s penis. But it’s also an insult too. “Stop being a knob!”

  Lairy: (adj.) In the mood for fighting. Aggressive.

  Whinging: (vb.) To moan and complain. Also whinger (n.)

  Last of the Summer Wine: (n.) This is the most boring “comedy” in the universe. It’s a comedy about old men in a boring village getting into all sorts of “heart-warming scrapes.” Despite never being funny, it is on every week and always has been and always will be until the end of time due to the cast making a pact with Lucifer in 1982 and becoming immortal. My nan thinks it is hilarious.

  Lemon: (n.) A girl who has the hots for other girls. See also: Fangita-eater.

  Liberty: 1: (n.) A female who is really cheeky and just does whatever she wants. “She is a right liberty, she is.”

  Lush: (adj.) Gorgeous, handsome.

  Mardy: (adj.) Sour-faced. In a sulk. Miserable.

  Marmite: (n.) Brown yeast extract spread that British people have on toast, which to an American person who isn’t used to it will taste like Satan’s jockstrap.

  Ming(ing): 1: (adj.) Ugly. “Man, she’s got a nice body but her face is totally minging!”2: (vb.) To be ugly. “OMG — he mings big style! You have got to split up with him!”3: Minger (n.) An ugly, ugly person. “Don’t be setting me up on any more blind dates with mingers!”

  Mufties: (n.) Ladies’ downstairs hairy private bits commonly found at the front of the body.

  Mush: (n.) Mouth, gob. “Oi! Shut your mush!”

  Narky: (adj.) In a bad mood. Takes offense.

  Neither use nor ornament: (adj.) Totally useless; it’s neither useful nor even pretty to look at. Something your nan might say.

  Nicking: (vb.) Stealing, thieving.

  Norks: (n.) Knockers. Also: boobs, boobies, norkers, norgs, norgers. See also: baps.

  NVQ: (n.) National Vocational Qualification. An exam you take in Britain instead of your A-Levels specifically to get a job like a plumber or an electrician.

  Peter Andre: (n.) A muscly ex-pop star who is married to Jordan, a heavily boobed English glamour model. No one can remember what Peter actually does anymore except have his own reality show where he drives about in his flash car and gets a spray tan and argues with Jordan. Peter Andre often appears on TV to plug the reality show and talk about his spray tan. Or Jordan.

  Pikey: (n.) A not-very-nice slang word for a gypsy or basically anyone who looks a bit poor. Real pikeys live in trailers and get hassled by the government for not paying taxes. I often used to tell our Murphy that his real family were pikeys ’cos it used to make him cry. Sorry, Murph.

  Pissed: (adj.) Has had too much to drink.

  Quids in: (adj.) Having plenty of money.

  Rabbiting on: (vb.) Talking and talking and talking with little regard for whether anyone is listening.

  Rudegirl: (n.) A girl who thinks she’s tough or a bit of a gangster. “She acts like she’s a rudegirl, but she ain’t all that.”

  Scro
unging: (vb.) Begging.

  Scrounging off the state: (vb.) Taking welfare money of the government instead of getting a job. This is one of the main reasons people don’t like chavs. ’Cos they reckon they’re all scrounging off the state and having babies that they can’t pay for and getting free rent paid for by the local council and generally living the life of luxury at “decent people’s expense.”

  Sixth form: (n.) A school where you go to study for your A-Levels which is often in the same school where you took GCSE’s. Basically it is a building full of boffins and school nerds who actually learn things for their own pleasure and want to be brain surgeons and who know all the capital cities of the world and crap about the Ice Age and stuff, i.e., not me at all.

  Skint: (adj.) Broke, penniless.

  Skiving: (vb.) Bunking off, skipping off when you haven’t got a good excuse.

  Skunk: (n.) A type of grass or marijuana.

  Slagging: (vb.) Bitching about someone, talking about them in a negative way.

  Snog: (vb., n.) An open-mouthed kiss that may or may not include tongues. I once snogged Carlton Brown behind a bush after a Year 8 disco and he bit my face by accident and his breath smelled of Big Mac gherkins. It was proper disgusting.

  Soap-dodger: (n.) A smelly person who avoids washing with soap — a bit like my little brother Murph, who can stand his underpants up each night they’re so disgusting and has radioactive armpits that can stun a girl at fifty yards.