I got up and opened the door. “It’s Jayce,” I said, then I saw Maddie standing on the boardwalk. “What’s up?”
“Can we talk?” Jayce asked.
“About what?”
“Well, for starters, what happened at the restaurant? Maddie’s upset.”
“Now’s not a good time,” I said. “I’m in the middle of Scream 4. Have fun with your girlfriend.” I went to shut the door.
Jayce stopped me. “Listen, I’m gonna take her home. Can I stop by after?”
“Why?”
“I want to be with you to make sure you’re okay. You know, with sleeping and stuff.”
“I’m fine,” I said a little too harshly. “If you’re in a relationship with Maddie, it’s inappropriate for you to spend the night with me.”
“It’s not inappropriate for you to be my friend and for me to be worried.”
“Brooke, you’re missing the best part!” Bobby called.
“I got to go.” I shut the door on Jayce.
The rest of the movie went by in a blur. My mind was too occupied with Jayce. I wanted to not like him. I wanted it to go to the way it was before I discovered my growing feelings. It had been easier with him just being my friend. And I thought about telling him, but what would be the point? I couldn’t put that on him, especially if we had no future. Even if he did like me in the same way, and that was highly improbable, I had no guarantee that I was coming out of this do-over alive.
The movie ended, and Mom and Bobby went to bed. I took a shower, got into my pajamas, and took out my laptop. I wasn’t ready to sleep yet. At some point, I knew I might not wake up.
I had already pounded out over 160 pages of Esmeralda’s story. This next chapter brought Esmerelda and her best friend, Jacobi, at a crossroads. In my story, they both loved each other but didn’t know how to say it. Unfortunately, Jacobi had contracted the deadly demon virus and would change within hours. I wrote the chapter effortlessly as if the words were flying off my fingers. In the scene, Esmerelda bore her heart to Jacobi. Right at the kissing scene, someone knocked at the cabin’s door. It was a light knock, so I paused to make sure I heard correctly.
Then I glanced at the clock. 2:47 a.m.
Another knock.
I got up, knowing it was probably Jayce. After the scene I just wrote, I was about ready to confess my undying love and kiss him passionately. But when I opened the door, it was Heather and Paige.
“Hey,” Heather said, grinning like a silly school girl. “We’re having a huge bonfire, and we’re like, ‘Where’s Brooke? Wouldn’t it be such fun if she was here?’ So we had to come to get you. We knocked on your window, but when you didn’t answer, we saw the light in the kitchen.”
In the previous summer, this event had upset me, but now I understood my grief had made me overly sensitive. Heather and her friends had only wanted me to feel welcomed in their group. I might not be able to go back and redo that evening, but I could walk knowingly into this prank. And choose to have a little fun. Now that I knew what was coming, I was ready for it. I pretended to be touched they thought of me. “That’s so sweet. Give me a sec to grab my jacket.”
I threw on a thin jacket and laced up my converse. Once outside, the girls grabbed my hands and started running up the boardwalk. I ran with them as they laughed. The whole experience felt surreal. But I went along with it. Once we got to the north side of the club, I let Heather and Paige leave me. When everyone started laughing and cheering from Heather’s window, I waved and did the chicken dance. In less than ten minutes, about twenty people from inside her mansion were on the beach with me, and someone had started the bonfire. In the previous summer, I had run the whole way back to the cabin, so I didn’t know that they started a bonfire for the get-together.
The fire lasted through the rest of the night. I spotted Lucas chatting with a few girls and shook my head. But I also didn’t leave. I stayed.
“Come with me,” Heather said. She took my hand and led me to the water.
My stomach flipped, but I didn’t show it. Maybe it was time I let the fear go.
“Welcome to the group,” she said.
“So, I passed the prank test?” I teased.
“With flying colors. The chicken dance secured the deal.”
We stood at the shoreline for a moment. I took a deep breath and told myself to relax.
“Do you own the water, or does the water own you?” she asked, then took a step into it.
“It’s owned me for too long,” I said honestly. I hesitated then slipped off my shoes. I took a step.
She kept moving forward until the water hit her thighs. I followed. So far, so good.
“I never told you how sorry I was for what happened to your dad,” she said. “I feel awful about it. I can’t imagine not having my dad.”
“Yeah, it sucks,” I admitted.
“I’ve wanted to tell you for the last two months, but you’ve been so busy, and I don’t know, it seemed like you didn’t like me. Then again, a lot of people don’t like me.”
I looked out at the water and shook my head.
“What?” she asked.
“I botched things up.” I took a shaky breath. I turned to her. “I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance.” I stumbled out of the water, feeling the pressure build inside me. From what, I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to lose it in front of her.
“Hey, where you going? It’s okay. We’re good.”
At the shore, I looked back at her. “You’re someone to look up to,” I choked out. “I wish it didn’t take me this long to realize it.” Then I ran from the shore. I ran the entire length of the boardwalk to the south side cabins. My ribs hurt, my legs and lungs burned, but my heart hurt more than anything else. I’d been so wrong. About so much.
When I reached the deck, I stopped and tried to catch my breath. It didn’t help that I was crying. I wanted another chance. Not at a do-over, but at life. At living. There was so much to live for. My dad had known that, and he sacrificed himself so that I could keep experiencing it. “Give me another chance.”
Eventually, I calmed down enough to go inside. The hallway was dark, as I cracked open Bobby’s door. He wasn’t in there. I headed to Mom’s room. As quietly as I could, I opened the door and tip-toed to her bed. There she lay on her side, holding Bobby. Both sound asleep. The tears came fast as I watched my family—the ones I had left—sleep. Every one of my bad actions haunted my mind as I heard the rhythm of their breathing. I knew that Bobby had been slipping into bed with Mom—not because of a scary movie—but since Dad’s death. And I still hadn’t bothered to be kind to him. I had removed myself from them months before, shoving my anger and hurt in their faces like an ugly, rabid dog.
Had I done enough in this do-over? Would they remember me now or would they remember me from the previous summer?
Even though I knew it was risky, I climbed into bed, laid down on the other side of Mom, and wrapped my arms around her. She moved and mumbled something, patting my arm. All the while I silently cried into her hair.
As soon as I felt drowsiness take over, I made myself get up and leave. I couldn’t have them a part of my nightmare. No matter how many days I had left, I vowed to make it up to the two of them.
I quietly shut the bedroom door and stayed there a moment not knowing what to do or where to go. Not sleeping would eventually lead to me crashing, and would that then lead to me never coming back? Should I lie down and let whatever happened, happen?
Something moved at the end of the hallway. Someone was headed toward me fast. It sent panic straight to my heart. I jumped and nearly screamed but couldn’t because the person in the dark covered my mouth. “Shh,” Jayce whispered. “It’s just me.”
I stepped back and began hitting his arm. “Don’t. Ever. Do. That. Again.”
“Sorry,” he said, holding my arm. “I knocked on your bedroom window, but you didn’t answer. And you all don’t lock your doors. I was going to check up on you an
d make sure…you know.”
“That I wasn’t dead?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I nearly died from a heart attack.”
“Sorry,” he said again.
“Where’s Maddie?”
“At her place. Where’ve you been? I’ve been worried.”
We stood close, whispering. I became very aware of Jayce’s closeness.
“Well, I’m okay, so you should probably go.” I kept my gaze lowered.
“Not before I say something,” he whispered. “I’ve been waiting for at least two hours because this is important.”
I swallowed hard and finally made myself look at him. My heart began to bang against my chest. “What do you need to say?”
“I…I have to do something, but you have to promise that you won’t hit me or…shove me into bushes.”
Before I could respond he pulled me to him and kissed me. His touch lit a fire in me, so I pressed into him and let him kiss me with the urgency I felt.
21
I stood at the water’s edge, contemplating what to do.
My eyes felt gritty and my muscles hurt. I hadn’t been to sleep the entire night. It was right there as if I could reach out and grab it, but I wasn’t ready. Not that any of it mattered. It was only a matter of time. I wasn’t sure when, but it felt soon. The pressure inside me was hard to ignore. I felt sort of like I was floating. If I closed my eyes for any length of time, I was afraid that’d be it.
I thought of Jayce. I thought of our kiss. So much still left unsaid. Unfortunately, Mom chose that moment to wake up and use the restroom. Jayce left me standing in the hall, my lips swollen, my heart pounding, and my brain reeling. He still didn’t know how I felt. I kissed him back, but I didn’t have time to say the words. Now I wished I would have told him. Especially if maybe—possibly—he cared for me as I cared for him.
I’d have followed him, but I had to stay back and answer twenty questions from Mom. Now I wanted to let him sleep. Maybe that kiss would have to do. Maybe the unspoken words between us would have to be enough.
But if all I had was this moment, then this was what I needed to do. Right here at the water. “You don’t own me,” I said, as I stepped into it. The coolness of the water took a minute to get used to, but I kept moving. Deeper and deeper.
I felt the tendrils of panic, but I refused to stop. As the water came to my waist, and then my chest, it became hard to balance against the waves. I stood on my tip-toes. Let go, I told myself. You can swim. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
A wave came, and in an instant, I was submerged. I moved fast, breaking the surface, not ready for the dream to consume me just yet. I had to swim back to shallower water. Once I could stand, I pressed a hand to my heart. It thumped loudly. “You survived,” I told it. Then I walked back into deeper waters.
Over and over. Each time a little easier. Another wave came and this time I stayed where I was, treading water. Then I laughed. I swam back to shallow water but only a little bit. Enough that I could see the sand at the bottom of the lake.
I wasn’t sure how long I stayed in the lake, but long enough that my skin had turned pruny. “You don’t own me anymore,” I said to the waves before heading to the beach. “I won’t let you.”
As I pushed through the water, closer and closer to the shore, I saw Mom and Bobby standing there, watching me. “I’m okay,” I called out to them.
Once I reached the beach, I saw Mom smiling in my direction, her eyes shining.
I threw up my arms. “I survived and conquered!” I exclaimed. I stumbled to them as if I couldn’t find my center of balance.
Mom hugged me and so did Bobby, steadying me.
“My girl,” she said in my ear. “I’m so proud of you.”
But it was hard to hear. I stepped back and tried to smile, but I felt a strong rush between my ears. I pressed them.
“Is everything all right?” Mom asked.
“I think I’ve got water in my ears,” I said loudly.
Bobby started laughing. “Why are you yelling?”
“WHAT?”
Now Bobby and Mom began to laugh.
I began to worry, but the pressure suddenly relaxed enough for me to find my balance and act semi-normal. “Sorry,” I said without yelling. “For a second there, I had pressure in my ears.”
“What made you decide to do this?” Mom said.
“I’ve been talking to Heather, and she told me how she nearly drowned when she was a kid. She pushed past fear and got stronger in the water. Sort of motivating.”
“For sure,” Mom agreed. “There’s a lot more to that one than meets the eye.”
“Plus she’s really pretty,” Bobby added. To Mom, he said, “Can we go now? I’m supposed to meet Georgia at the brunch.”
“Georgia?” I teased. “Are you crushing on her?”
“Whatever.”
“The Fairchild’s are having brunch. Want to come?” Mom asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I want to tell Heather what I did.”
“Wonderful. The three of us finally going to a get-together as a family.”
“I’ll go change.” I walked up the beach to the boardwalk and then to the cabin.
When I got to my room, I checked my phone and saw that Jayce had called. It was already 10:03 in the a.m. Of course he’d want to talk. I smiled a little only to second-guess myself. Then again, with no sleep, I could barely think straight.
“Hey Mom,” I said. “Go ahead and go. I’ll catch up with you. I need to shower and drink a cup of coffee.”
“Okay, but I will see you there, right?”
“Yes. I want to come. Save me a seat by you.”
“Deal.”
I waved at her and Bobby, then left the doorway to get some clean clothes. A hot shower would help. Without thinking about it beforehand, I picked up my cell and called Jayce.
“Hello,” Maddie’s voice came through.
“Is Jayce there?” I asked. I hadn’t expected to hear her. My heart sank.
“Brooke!” she said. “I want to talk to you. I am so sorry about our little argument last night. I didn’t know Heather had done that for me.”
“So then you’re not still trying to get money out them?”
“She hit me,” Maddie said. I could hear her trying to control her voice. “I have doctor’s bills.”
“I get that. But a year later? Come on, Maddie. You’re fine. Anyone who can party it up at bonfires and work full-time hours at a restaurant can’t still be suffering from a concussion. How much are you asking for? Heather said they already gave you money.”
“I’m not surprised you side with her,” she said. “You never did like me. That’s why you stole Lucas.”
“I didn’t steal Lucas. He was upset because he found out you wanted more money from his family. He probably thought you only liked him for his money. Besides, I’m not with Lucas. I told him I didn’t like him like that.”
“You did?”
“Yes, now where’s Jayce? I have to talk to him.”
“He’s working at the yacht, helping stock supplies for the brunch. I’ll be headed up there in a little bit. He left his phone here, so I’m bringing it up to him.”
“Okay, well, tell him I called him back, and I’ll be at the yacht.” I hung up before she could say anything more. Now was not the time to try to figure out if Maddie told the truth. Besides, I felt guilty. If Jayce was still with her, then why did he kiss me?
As I turned on the shower and climbed in, I felt the pressure begin to rise inside me. “Not again.” I scrubbed quickly. I turned off the shower and toweled off, pushing past the intense heaviness I felt. “I’m just tired,” I said, going to my room and getting dressed.
I sat on the bed to get my shoes on, but the weariness took over. I fell onto the pillow, telling myself through the brain fog to only rest for a few minutes. Sleep took over, and suddenly I was swimming in deep water. So much water. The pressure pushed at me from all si
des. It doesn’t own you, I thought, as I started swimming toward the surface. There was no one in the water with me. Just me fighting against the water’s pressure. To survive. To live.
As I neared the surface, a soft, bright light illuminated the water. It was just outside of it. The more I drew closer, the more warmth I felt.
Then I thought of Jayce. Of Mom and Bobby. And I stopped swimming. My lungs reminded me I needed air, but if I followed that light, would it be over? I pinched myself, trying to wake myself up. Let me live! My mind begged the prayer. Please. Over and over. Until my lungs finally gave out.
I sat up in bed and drank in the oxygen. But it felt heavy and wet. I looked around the room, but my vision seemed to be affected by all the water dreams because my surroundings seemed out of focus.
Resignation hit me. I wanted to cry, but nothing came out. A part of me wanted to lay back down and simply surrender.
I heard my cell phone buzz as if it were far away. But it sat on my bedside table. I saw it was a text from Jayce.
Where r u? Maddie said u were coming to the yacht.
We need to talk. Btw, Maddie and I are over.
I told her that yesterday before work.
Then another text:
R u mad? Please let me know u r okay.
I jumped out of bed, completely drenched, but not caring. I felt sluggish like I was still pushing through the water pressure. But I needed to see Jayce. I wanted to kick myself for being too scared that I kept my feelings hidden for weeks now. He needed to know. I couldn’t go on to whatever was waiting for me without him knowing how I felt.
Running out the door, I moved up the boardwalk toward the docks of the harbor. Sweat poured off me as I pushed through this invisible force. But I didn’t stop. I kept moving. Please give me time to tell him how I feel.
My thoughts turned toward Mom and Bobby. I wondered if that hug on the beach was the last time I’d feel their touch. Emotion rolled in waves. If only I had appreciated what I had when I had it.
Falling Too Deep Page 19
