I ran down the docks to the Fairchild yacht, begging God for more time. I felt the pressure inside of me build. It made my chest tight. I had to stop a few times to gather my breath. But I kept moving. I had to.
I stepped across the threshold and took the steps two at a time. Panting, out of breath, the pressuring building, I pushed through the crowd, yelling, “Jayce!”
I stopped Heather. “Have you seen Jayce? It’s an emergency.”
“No, but what is wrong with you? You’re drenched in sweat.”
I didn’t have time to respond. Spotting Lucas, I grabbed his arm. “Have you seen Jayce?”
He frowned, and I could still see the hurt and questions in his eyes. Still, he sighed and said, “He’s not here. He went looking for you. Maddie’s here though. You know, his girlfriend.”
“Lucas, there are a thousand words I could say to apologize for leading you on or being a jerk or whatever. I hope you can forgive me and know that it wasn’t you.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve said that line. You can’t use it. I know what it means.”
“It wasn’t fair to you.” I pressed my hand against my chest, “But I was already in love with someone else. I just…I didn’t know it.”
“Go,” he said, smiling sadly. “I hope you find him and tell him.”
I nodded, then left him to go run back down the stairs and off the yacht. Only the ramp had been lifted and the yacht was getting set to move. “No!” I yelled, moving to one of the deck’s crew. “I have to get off! It’s a life or death emergency.” I looked over the railing, already calculating the jump.
“Brooke?” Mrs. Fairchild approached me. “What’re you doing?”
“I need off. Now!”
“You’ll just have to sit tight until—”
“No,” I said, climbing over the railing. It wasn’t that big of a jump. Besides, what did it matter at this point?
I heard Mrs. Fairchild gasp, and the yacht crew already were moving toward me to bring me back over.
Right as someone reached to grab me, I jumped. And landed with a thud on the dock, nearly rolling off. I pushed myself up and started moving back down the docks. Where could he be?
Suddenly, I stopped. My head spun, and spots blurred my vision. “No,” I breathed hard. “Please…I have to tell him.”
“Brooke?”
I blinked hard, trying to get rid of the spots. I squinted to see someone running toward me. “Jayce!” I couldn’t move. My head still spun. But I only needed a few more minutes.
Then he was there. Standing in front of me. Pushing up his glasses. Despite the dizziness and shortness of breath, I smiled. “I went to find you,” I said between breaths.
“Yeah, I went to find you, too,” he said with a laugh.
We both went to speak at the same time.
“No,” I said. “I go first. You just listen.”
“Okay.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets.
This was it. So, why did I hesitate? Then again, how could I put into words, everything he meant to me? “I know that I should be a good friend and tell you that I’m happy for you and Maddie, but I’m not. You’re the one I want.” My vision blurred, so I pressed my hands on my eyes. I could feel myself fading. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner. But I had to tell you before I’m gone. You have to know that I’ve loved you for a long time. It wasn’t fair to Lucas.”
“Brooke,” he said quietly.
I opened my eyes and could just make him out. This was it. I could barely stand. My vision faded. At least now he knew.
“It’s always been you.” His words traveled like in a tunnel. “I’ve loved you since the sixth grade. Ever since you shoved me into the bushes. You’re my dream girl.” Then he faded as the water consumed me.
The Rebirth
***
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
--and sing the tunes without the words—
And never stops at all.
-Emily Dickinson
22
“Brooke!”
I heard my name. Someone called me.
“Brooke! Can you hear me? Help is coming.”
It sounded like Heather.
“Don’t die. Do you hear me? The yacht’s turned around. They called the coast guard. You’re going to be okay. Do you hear me?”
There was desperation in her voice.
“Here, take her first,” Heather was saying.
I felt hands grabbing me and pulling me up. Someone pushed on my chest and breathed into my mouth.
In that moment I felt the shift. My body responded, and I gasped for air. I coughed and wheezed as my body sought to replenish the oxygen deprivation. As I breathed, I became cognizant of my surroundings. A few men surrounded me in a small, inflatable rescue boat. But I was alive. I knew it. I felt it. No more water pressure. No more fuzzy vision.
I started to laugh and cry simultaneously.
“Stay still,” Mr. Fairchild said to me.
I looked over and saw him hugging Heather. She was clinging to him while watching me.
“I’m okay,” I said more to myself than to them. I looked down and saw I still wore the green dress and gold sandals.
I trembled. Possibly from the fall but more likely over the events. It still felt like moments ago I was confessing my love to Jayce. And now…what?
I heard voices and some shouts coming from the yacht. The yacht crew stood on the yacht’s lowest available deck, ready to help us up and over. I closed my eyes and rested for a moment, fully understanding that I wasn’t dead. I was still very much alive.
But what about the do-over? The memories were still there. I had lived through over two months of this same summer. Had that been a hallucination? I didn’t know whether I should be relieved at being alive or heartbroken that none of the do-over probably happened. When I looked up I could see my mom leaning over the railing trying to help pull the rope faster, absolute terror on her face. I spotted Jayce on the other side of her, his sleeves already rolled up waiting to pull me up and over. Bobby stood behind them, trying to peek over them to see me. He looked like he’d break into tears at any moment.
“Can you grab my arm?” One of the yacht workers asked.
“Here, Brooke.” Jayce held out his arm as well. “Hold on, and we’ll bring you up and over.”
I reached up while the worker and Jayce reached down. They pulled and the next thing I knew I was tumbling onto the yacht floor. In that instant, Mom’s arms were around me. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I didn’t know if she was talking to the workers or God. Maybe a little of both. “Mom, I’m okay.” I hugged her in return.
Jayce got on one knee and rested a blanket around my shoulders.
“Thanks,” I said, slightly shivering. Even though he probably had no recollection of our last conversation, I still watched him to see if he did.
The crew pulled Heather up next, and then Mr. Fairchild. Mrs. Fairchild threw her arms around both of them. “You jumped in the lake?” she asked Heather. “What were you thinking?”
Heather didn’t answer only hugged her mom while glancing over at me.
“This was recovered.” Jayce handed me my dry, unharmed Shakespeare book.
“Where did you find this? It flew overboard.” I had been without it the entire do-over. “I thought it was gone forever.”
“Someone found it on the floor here. I saw it and knew it was yours.”
“Is that why you were in the water?” Mom asked, still clearly emotional. “For the book?”
“It fell out of my hands, and the wind blew it to the edge. I was trying to get it when I slipped and fell.”
Mrs. Fairchild must have overheard me talking because she stepped over to us and said, “So, it was an accident? You didn’t jump off the top deck on purpose?”
“Diane!” Mom acted shocked.
But Mrs. Fairchild was clearly distraught. On the verge of tear
s, pacing, wringing hands. “What, Theresa? You know we’re all thinking it. And if it wasn’t for my daughter, yours would be dead!”
It seemed like the entire party was now on the bottom deck. And everyone was watching, many snapping pics with their phones.
Lucas came over to his mother and rested one arm around her shoulders. “Mom, not now. They’re both all right. Just breathe.”
But Mrs. Fairchild kept going, ignoring her son. “Maybe if you wouldn’t have been so preoccupied with my husband, you could have kept a better handle on your daughter!”
Mom dropped her head, but not in shame. She shook it back and forth. “I have already told you. George and I are not having an affair.”
“Stop lying. Heather saw you…and so did Brooke. Have you thought about that?”
“Diane!” George Fairchild still hugged Heather, but his attention was on his wife. “That’s enough! Not here.”
Mom kissed my forehead and stood up. “Heather and Brooke saw us hugging. That’s all. I have been worried sick, and miserable, and grieving, and George let me confide in him. That’s it. I’m sorry if my actions hurt you. Now please can we just focus on our families? As soon as the yacht docks, I will be off your property and out of your hair.”
“Good.”
Mrs. Fairchild stared at Mom with such contempt, but I didn’t know what to say to help. My head was still adjusting to the fact I was alive and back at square one. My thoughts were scattered and all over the place.
“Can you get up?” Jayce asked me. “I’m sure the deck’s not the most comfortable.”
“Yes,” I said, suddenly shy and avoiding eye contact. It seemed that minutes ago we were confessing our feelings. But in this reality, he was with Heather.
He led me inside where it was warm and with no wind.
“Set her here.” Lucas pointed to a leather recliner.
“I don’t want to get it all wet.”
“I grabbed these for you.” Lucas handed me a sweatshirt and jogging pants. “They’re clean. The jogging pants have never been worn. They’ll be too big for you, but there’s a drawstring, and they’re a lot warmer than a wet dress.”
“Thank you.” His concern was touching. My heart didn’t flutter as it did before, but that didn’t mean that Lucas wasn’t a quality guy. I took the clothes and stepped away from Jayce. “I’ll be all right,” I told him.
He nodded. “I’ll wait here for you.”
“The bathroom’s right around the corner,” Lucas said.
People had started to trickle in from outside. Mom and Bobby, the Fairchilds, and several others. Most watched me with unmasked curiosity. Some acted concerned, and others turned to each other and whispered. Sighing, I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door.
The first thing I did was run my hand down the cover of the book. There it was. Right in front of me. “I fell off a yacht because of you,” I whispered to the little book. But in a way, I knew that the little Shakespeare book had saved my life. Silly, perhaps. But reliving summer had been the best thing to happen to me in a long time. All of the memories still filled my head and heart. The bonfires. The restaurant. Actually spending time with Mom and Bobby. Writing the book. Realizing my feelings for Jayce. Seeing people for who they really are.
At the same time, those memories made me emotional. I blinked back tears, though a few escaped. I had made better decisions in the do-over, but what now? What about the money I had saved from the restaurant, which was close to a thousand dollars? What about all that work writing the book?
To most—if not all—of these people I was a creep. I had pushed my family away. They didn’t know how I had changed. How I had learned to live again. That I had learned to rise above the pain. That I had conquered my fear.
Someone knocked on the door. “You okay, hon?” Mom asked on the other side.
“Yes.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “Just changing into something dry.”
I changed quickly, ready to be out of the soggy dress. The sweatshirt and jogging pants were big, but they were warm. I opened the door to Mom standing just outside of it.
“Here, I’ll take the wet dress,” she said.
I knew I had to tell her about my memories of Dad’s death. That they had returned. Taking a deep breath, I said, “Mom, I have to tell you something.”
She stopped worrying over my dress to give me her attention. “Hon, let’s talk later. There’s a lot I need to explain to you. I’m just glad you’re all right. I don’t know what I would have done if…” She paused to choke back the sob.
I saw in that moment her grief and anguish. How my death would have destroyed her. I didn’t understand why the do-over happened or why I didn’t die, but my heart swelled in gratitude at being given another chance. I hugged Mom and let her cry on my shoulder. Then I noticed Bobby standing by Jayce, his arms folded across his chest, his bottom lip trembling, trying to keep it all together. I released Mom and extended a hand to my little brother. He hesitated before stepping over to me.
Then the emotion he had been trying so hard to keep back flooded out. His shoulders shook as he sobbed. Mom and I brought him into our hug, and the three of us stayed there for a long time.
23
Once the yacht docked, my family and Jayce left. I had wanted to find Heather and talk to her, but Lucas said that she was pretty shaken up and in her room.
“I’ve got the golf cart,” Jayce said. “No need to walk back to the cabin.”
Mom nodded, and we all got in the cart.
None of us spoke as Jayce drove down the boardwalk. In another circumstance, I would have found it laughable to still be here at the yacht club, driving to the cabin. I hated not being able to share with them everything that happened. But how could I explain it? It seemed farfetched even to me, and I’d just lived through it!
Jayce slowed and came to a stop outside the cabin’s deck.
“I’ve been thinking,” Mom said, as she stepped out of the golf cart. “It’s late, and maybe we should stay here for one more night. We can leave first thing in the morning after a good night’s rest.”
“I don’t mind missing the first day of school,” Bobby said.
“I was planning on heading back tonight,” Jayce said, more to me. “Dorms are closed. Plus, my mom’s expecting me. And I’ve got a morning class.”
“Of course,” Mom said. “Thanks for dropping us off.”
“Can you stay a little while longer?” I asked quietly. “You can stay here. Right, Mom?”
“He’s more than welcome. But you’ll see him around. You’re both attending the community college.”
“I’ll stick around for a little bit.” He came up the steps with us but acted subdued. He’d yet to fully look at me.
But before I could focus on Jayce, I wanted to get something off my chest. “I have to tell you something,” I said to Mom.
Mom looked so weary, but she said, “I know we need to talk. Should we be in private?”
“No, it’s not about…you know, what happened earlier this evening. It has to do with Dad.”
“Oh.”
“I remember what happened. I’m not sure if hitting the water jogged my memory or what, but I clearly remember now. And I wanted you to know.”
Mom covered her face and took in deep breaths. I could tell she was trying to hold it all together.
“You remember what happened to Dad?” Bobby asked.
“Yes,” I told him. To all of them, I explained, “My kayak got turned over, and I was stuck in it. I remember trying hard to get out, but my legs were caught or something. I think the kayak was jammed between too much debris, and the debris was making it hard for me to get loose. Anyway, I remember seeing Dad swimming underwater, looking for me. I was running out of time. I could feel my lungs burning, but I kept trying to wiggle my legs free. Dad eventually found me and helped. But right as I got free and we were swimming to the surface, a log got loose and flew at Dad. It happened so fast.” I paused, the
n added, “I still don’t remember how I got to the shore, but I clearly remember what happened in the water.”
“Oh, Brooke.” Mom reached for me. “No wonder you were traumatized.”
“I feel awful,” I admitted. “He died trying to save me, but how have I repaid him? By being a jerk.”
No one refuted me. Then again, why would they? I had treated them horribly these last few months.
“Bobby, I’m sorry that I’ve been so awful. I hope you can forgive me.”
Bobby, who’d been quiet the whole night, looked as if he was about to lose all emotional control. Tears leaked out his eyes. “You’re not a creep,” he said. “My friends shouldn’t have called you that. I…I was only mad because I wanted my sister back. I didn’t mean to say what I said.”
“What did you say?” Mom asked him.
Bobby’s face crumpled. “I told them that I wished Brooke would go away and leave me alone forever. But I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean for her to fall in the water!”
Mom went over to Bobby, and I followed. Both of us on either side of him. “It’s not your fault,” I told him. “It was an accident. And look. I’m here.”
He nodded, sniffling. “Don’t ever die, Brooke, okay?”
“Well, one day it’s probably inevitable, but not today, and hopefully not for a long time.”
After a few minutes, Mom seemed to mentally shake herself. “All right, we’re here, and Brooke’s okay, so let’s stop with the tears. How about Bobby and Jayce bring in a few of our bags from the trunk, so we can shower and have clean clothes. We’ll stay tonight and head back home in the morning.”
“Yes!” Bobby said excitedly. “A bunch of my friends are staying through the week.”
“Well, we’re not,” Mom said, in her motherly tone. “But we’re all exhausted, and sleep would be good right now.”
“Come on, Bobby,” Jayce said. “Let’s get the stuff.”
“Just bring in my small suitcase,” Mom said to Jayce. “It has the essentials. Bobby and Brooke have their duffel bags.”
“My duffel bag is still in my room,” I said. “So I’m good.”
Falling Too Deep Page 20
