by Ashlee Price
But I tried not to think about him, physically shaking my head loose of the thoughts. Why was I thinking about a man that I could not have? I could never have him and he was most likely dead after the last clash with the Samuel clan. I had heard there were many that died and there was a thought that I couldn’t shake off that he had been one of them.
I stared out at the countryside and the cliffs to the west before I went back into the house I was sharing with a distant aunt. She gave me a disapproving look as I came to sit down and I was almost tempted to go back outside, despite the fact that the wind was whipping something fierce out there.
“Come sit down child before you catch your death and neither one of you will survive.”
I did as I was told, though I liked to think that it was just a suggestion instead of an order. In the end it didn’t matter. I was not welcome at my parent’s home until the child was out of me and gone. So for now, Aunt Lea was all there was and I had to watch myself with her. The older woman had a mean streak and something against my mother. I tried to stay out of it and stay out of her way as much as was humanly possible.
“What do you seek out there child? Do you think that Lord Cross will come and rescue you?”
I sighed and nodded my head that I had none of those fantasies in my head. I knew that I was alone and I didn’t need the old crow to remind me of the predicament that I had gotten myself into. It was my fault, even though he had honeyed words and a devilish smile, I should have said no. It was my duty to say no, but when he had touched me, I was sure that my mind had left the very head on my shoulders. I was lost in his kisses and that one night with him in a heat of passion, had changed the very course of my own life. Now I was left with a baby that I had to keep a secret and no one to help me. I was all alone. No one would marry me now, after I had disgraced myself.
So to add insult to injury, my loving aunt decided it was a good time to rub it in. But I could say nothing, so I bit my tongue so hard sometimes that I was sure I was seconds away from tasting blood.
“I know that he is not coming. I just like the fresh air outside.” And the quiet of the lack of her words, yet I didn’t share that little tidbit with her. She smiled at my frown, sure that I was beaten down sufficiently that she could go back to the tapestry that she was working on.
“Yes, it is best to be realistic and not think about the notions of love or you being able to keep that bastard child that you are carrying.”
I tried not to flinch from her words, but my hand went onto my stomach as if to ward my child from her harsh words. She noted the gesture and had a malicious smile on her face. “I only told your mother that I would keep you until the child is born. Without anywhere to go, how can you possibly expect to take care of it? No man will have you, not after all of this, so you might as well get it through your head. There is no happy ending for you, Harriet.”
“You are right. I know you are, but it’s hard to imagine it. I feel so close to him and now that he is getting bigger and kicks all of the time, I don’t know. It’s just different.”
She shook her head that it wasn’t different at all. “Don’t let your emotions get into it. I would have given anything to have had a child with my husband, but we were never blessed at the right time.”
I waited for more, but she didn’t say anything else. I wondered then if that is why she looked at me that way. Was it because of a jealousy of my child? I knew that she didn’t like my mother, but it never occurred to me it could be something else as well. Maybe it was me that should be more cautious with what I say.
“I am sorry to hear that. I guess I never really thought about why you didn’t have any. I must have thought that you just didn’t want children. Some people don’t.”
She shook her head a little and I could see the bitterness in her face. “I was not good enough to be blessed with a child, no matter how much I prayed. And then my William died and I never tried to remarry. How could I, when I knew that I would never love again?”
I didn’t know what to say. It gave me a lot of insight into what it was like in her mind, but I still didn’t know why those facts made her hate me and my mother so much. What did that have to do with my baby? I would have thought that she would want to help, to ease her own pain, but that didn’t seem to be the way she looked at it. Instead it seemed more like if she couldn’t have her baby and be happy, I wouldn’t be able to either.
“You know, not everyone gets the happy ending that your mother got. She was lucky and Lord knows that no one thought her and your father would last, but she surprised us all when you came along and then your brother. Both little miracles.”
She said it as if we were not little miracles, but mud on her shoe and I looked away. I don’t know why I let her get to me so. She was just bitter and at least I knew the reason why now.
“I know that I won’t get my happy ending.” I wanted to assure her that I would be as unhappy as she was, but I didn’t want to push my luck. I was still trying to find a way for her to not send me away with my newborn, but it didn’t seem like anything I said or did was helping my cause. In a way, as my stomach grew, so did her hate for me. The knowledge of why didn’t stop the discomfort of the looks and the worry of what was to happen next.
***
The next day I made sure to stay out as long as I possibly could. The weather was fair and it wasn’t too cold, so it was close to dark when I finally was greeted with her dark scowl. She looked at me as if I had done something wrong and I tried to ignore her. When she asked me where I had been and I told her, she was sure that I was going to get sick and surely die from my walks.
“With such a light constitution, you really should take more care, Harriet.”
I just agreed, as I always did and went up the stairs to my small room at the top. It was hot most of the time, but there was a small window that helped let the light in to make it less dark and uninviting. I sat down on the bed I was given when I moved in and sighed to myself. I was starting to realize that I had to make some sort of plan, though I knew that the options were limited for someone in my position.
There was not much that could be done and in less than a month, I was going to have to make a decision. I knew what my heart wanted, but I tried to be realistic and it wasn’t hard with my aunt constantly reminding me of the impossibility of it all.
I was determined not to let her thoughts get in the way of what I must do though. I was not going to give my baby away and if I was not able to come home, than that was okay. I knew that I would figure something out. I just wasn’t sure what yet. I did not have much of anything to my name and I was depending on my aunt at the moment for everything. I thought of what I had and what would fetch a price in the village. I had to do something and I told myself I would go the next day and sell the few heirlooms that I was given by my mother. I wouldn’t be much, but maybe enough for a time after my aunt made me leave.
I looked out at the cliff side and wondered again if my life was ever going to get better. It seemed like anything I did made it worse and though I missed Damien and the way he had made me feel so special, I knew that I would most likely never see the man again. I had to wonder to myself it was all worth it in the end and I wasn’t so sure that it was.
Could all of this be worth the few moments of passion we shared?
Chapter 2 – Damien
I had finally gotten back into my town of birth when my duties were done. It had been a long summer and as it had closed, the fight with the English seemed to slacken and many of the Lords serving were sent back home. The clans were pushing back the English and there was no need for me then. All I could think about in all the time I was away was of Harriet. She had been on my mind constantly and I was sure that she would be there waiting for me.
She had claimed that our relationship was impossible, but I failed to see the problem. We couldn’t get married because she was beneath me in status, but I had no obligations to get married. One day I would have to marry to produce
an heir, but I had always imagined Harriet there with me. She may not be my wife or never would be, but she was the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and her status was of no real consequence to me.
I made my way to her father’s house, where she was undoubtedly still staying. She had told me that she would wait for me and I believed her. But as I drew nearer to the small, well-established home in Edinburgh, I had a sinking feeling in my gut that I just couldn’t shake.
Knocking softly at first, there was no answer and I knocked a little louder on the wooden door and waited for an answer. Finally there was the sound of movement in the dwelling and I waited for the girl’s father to open the door.
“I didn’t expect to see the likes of you again my lord.”
Her father said my title as though it was unearned and I didn’t know why that had bothered me so much. The older man had always been more than pleased with my attention to his daughter. But it appeared that the fact that he was happy to see me had changed. Something had it changed to make him feel that way and I wondered what was. Did he know that I had defiled his daughter? That I had taken her when she had finally begged me to make her a woman?
My cheeks got hot as the rest of me did thinking about her final submission before I had gone away to war. It had been the last time she was going to see me, but I had known differently. I knew that Harriet was the only woman that I would ever want and the idea of being without her was not something that I was prepared to live with. I was determined to come back to her and I had.
“Michael, it has been some time passed since I have seen you last. How is everything, how is Harriet?”
He just looked at me with a slightly slacked jaw as if I was speaking in a foreign language. I waited for him to answer, to invite me in, something. But instead he just looked at me for a moment.
“I am sorry for coming unannounced. Have I come at a bad time?”
“My daughter is not here and she won’t be back for some time.”
I was getting the feeling that something had happened, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ask. “Is there any way you can tell me where I can find her then? I just got back into town and I have missed Harriet.”
Michael made a sound that could not be traced back to happiness. There was nothing that he wanted to do more than hit the man, the one that had ruined his daughter’s prospects. But he was of noble blood and was not to be touched. Even in the circumstance he found himself in, it would not be advisable to say what he truly wanted to say and do.
“I don’t think I will be doing that, Damien. I think that you and my daughter saw far too much of each other before you left for the clan wars against the English.”
I knew then that he knew and I wondered if Harriet had told him. She was a private woman and had always been discreet. I didn’t think she would have said anything to him, but she may have confided in someone else, only to find them betraying her trust for one reason or another. I may not have known anything, but I had already known personally the treachery a woman was capable of.
“I miss her is all Michael. I never realized that you thought we saw too much of each other.”
“It would be different if you were going to marry her…”
The man was working himself up and I had seen that look before. Instead of staying and arguing with him, I started back the way I had come. Getting back into the carriage, the older man was still standing at the door staring at me. What had happened for him to change his temperament so thoroughly around me? I blanched at the idea that he had known what I had done, what I had coerced his daughter into doing before I left. It wasn’t that I had made her, far from it, but I had known the consequences if anyone found out. There were to be none to me, but for a woman, they could be far from benign. Had she been sent away because of me?
The more I thought about it, the more I was sure that it was what had happened. Where would he send her though and for how long? There were too many questions going on in my brain for me to think very clearly. I wasn’t sure why everything was not going the way I had planned. All I could think about was Harriet and now knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to see her that evening, I needed a drink more than anything else. There was nothing I could do that night but focus on finding somewhere to stay. It was going to be cold without Harriet next to me and it made me wish that I had never left.
“It would be different if I would marry her…” The man’s words rolled around in my head while I started paying attention to the small establishments around me, stopping only when I saw a tavern that would help me forget about Harriet for a time.
***
I was drowning my sorrows when I saw an old friend and was soon reminiscing about the old days, before there was war and so many problems in the countryside that took up all of my time. I was trying to think of something other than Harriet, but Gregor brought her up.
“Where is that sweet little blond lass that you were chasing around last time you were here?”
My mind went right back to where I was trying to leave, the place I was trying to forget, but there was no use. I couldn’t forget her.
“I don’t know. Her father was ready to take my head off it felt like when I went over there. You haven’t heard anything, have you?”
Gregor shook his head that he hadn’t and I couldn’t help but smile at the redheaded man. We had been to many of the same parties when we were children and even then, he had been an enigma that was hard to ignore. He was always smiling and seemed so happy, no matter what was going on around him. I had secretly wished more than once that I could just shrugged things off as he could. I doubted that any hot-blooded man could, just shake a woman like Harriet off without some discomfort to them being felt though, not even him. She was the type of woman that a man could see himself marrying. Could I see myself marrying her? Even though it would go against everything, it was a thought that had crossed my mind more than once before. I could still remember the way she had looked up at me with those smoky brown eyes.
“I haven’t heard anything, but you may have been gone too long. She was very beautiful and there were no shortage of male admirers.”
I nodded, knowing what he said was true, but something in me told me that she was mine. It was a feeling that I had when I was with her. She would not find someone else. Harriet had told me that I was the only one and she wanted to me to be the only one ever. I knew that she had meant it and I didn’t know until then how much I wanted to believe her. What man wouldn’t want to think that his woman was only with him, only loved him and was the only one that had ever touched her body, heard the soft gasps of pleasure?
Gregor clapped me on the shoulder roughly and started to laugh at me. “I see you are thinking about her still!”
I didn’t deny it and he started in on a loud round of guffaws that irritated me more than they should have. Was I really that easy to read? I decided that I probably was, when it came to Harriet anyways. I couldn’t stop thinking about her and even knowing that Gregor was watching for a reaction, I gave him one. I didn’t want to, but it was hard to deny the way she made me feel.
“I do and now I can’t find her. Tell me you will ask around for me?”
Gregor nodded that he would, even though he didn’t understand going through all the trouble for one dame. “There are many women here that would be more than happy to take her place for the night. You look like you could use something to clear your mind.”
I nodded, sure that he was right about that and my eyes had noticed a few lovely ladies that were giving me the eye and a smile. But they didn’t have the straw colored hair that I had grown to love so much that I dreamed about burying my face in. None of them were Harriet and thus, not what I wanted. There was a blonde-headed girl that would pass from her, as long as I kept her quiet and took her from behind, but knowing that it wasn’t her would plague me the whole time, I was sure of it.
“My mind will be clear enough when I find her. You look around old friend and
I am going to get some sleep.”
He nodded and waved me away. I almost stayed there, not wanting to go back home to my empty bed without her, but I knew that I had to. I didn’t know why she was missing and I didn’t know where she was, but I knew that I was going to find out soon enough. I had to have her and knew nothing else would matter until I found my Harriet.
Chapter 3 – Harriet
It was the last thing that I owned of real value. I had sold everything else throughout the week. But it wasn’t enough and finally I had to get rid of the necklace that Damien had given me the night I gave myself to him. It seemed like a century ago, but it was only mere months. How could so much go wrong in a short few months?
Looking down at my stomach and patting it with a hand, I smiled to myself. It had been longer than a few months. I knew that my time was drawing there soon and it was the last thought that I needed to make up my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to get rid of the necklace that meant so much to me, but our child inside of me was worth more. I knew I had to do anything that I could to make sure that our child lived and had everything he needed. There was no way that I was going to let my aunt take the baby, even though I knew that was exactly what she planned to do. It was what my parents wanted, because it was what was best for me in their eyes.
It was all I ever heard and I knew that it had nothing to do with me, but their own objections to people taking about them. How could they have raised such a daughter with such low morals?
