by Ashlee Price
I laughed a little too bitterly to myself with the thought. I was not under a presumption. I knew exactly what they thought of me and in a way, I just really didn’t care. I cared enough to stay away from town of course, for their sakes though, more than my own. I was perfectly happy to just be away from everyone that I had known. I wish I could get away from the aunt as well and her nasty mouth, but I knew deep down that she was my saving grace.
Holding onto the necklace in a tight grip, I went down to the blacksmith. I had talked to him the day before when I was trying to get him to buy some other things that I had, but he was not interested. He was interested in a gift for his wife and I told him that I had just the thing he was looking for.
When I got there, he waved to me and gave me a motion that he would be there in a few minutes time. I waited and watched him work, feeling out of place in the dirty stand. There were bits of metal everywhere, so much so that it had piled up in some areas. I wasn’t sure what it was all from, but I got a sense that things were created there, magnificent things.
Some of the swords cooling and leaning against one wall were made of the best quality and even just a common woman like me knew that they were swords fit for the nobility. It reminded me of Damien. Everything seemed to do that lately as I found myself more emotional from the pregnancy. I imagined that one of them was for him, as he fought some war away from me. It made my eyes start to glisten a little and I wiped at the wetness before I was caught getting sentimental in the middle of a stranger’s shop.
The man finally gave me his attention and saw the redness of my eyes. He took it as I was upset about losing the necklace, but I assure him that it had nothing to do with that. “Those swords reminded me of a man I once knew that is fighting in the war.”
He shook his head. “He should be home now. Most of the men were sent home as a deal is being struck. I don’t think these swords will ever see a fight.”
His words were hard to believe because it went so far against what I had been thinking for so long. I had made up my mind that he just wasn’t coming back. But then I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter if he did or not. The truth of the matter was that whether he was alive or dead, back or gone, I would never see him again. I was sure that he wasn’t pining for me as I did for him. It was different with men.
“Well that is a good thing. We have lost too many to war as it is.”
He nodded and looked at the necklace that I handed him. Brutley just shook his head and wondered then why a woman was so captivated by pretty things to hang on themselves. It was so much smaller and flimsy feeling that anything that he was used to working with. That is why he thought to buy it, knowing that his clumsy hands would not be able to make something so delicate. An unhappy wife can bring misery to a man and his had been unhappy for some time. He was hoping a bauble would help smooth over the mess that he had gotten himself into.
“Aye we have. Are you sure you want to part with this? It must have been given to you by someone very important.”
I shook my head that it was, but then smiled. “It was, but now it is needed for something more important.”
He saw my hands on my stomach and nodded his head like he understood. I was sure that my pregnancy gave me a better price on the necklace and I knew then that I almost had enough to go. The only problem was I was still not sure where I was going. There was a thought that I needed to leave before the baby was born, but having him on my own seemed as dangerous as having him there in the house. I was torn between what to do and I didn’t even see her as I was walking passed her to the small room at the top.
“Come here girl. Where have you been? You shouldn’t be going out so much, as you get bigger. You might be recognized.”
I shook my head that it was impossible. “I don’t know anyone here and no one would recognize me. It is why I was sent so far away, was it not? So my parents would not have to feel the shame of my actions. Of this.” I moved my hand towards my stomach and sighed. I was feeling combative and there was nothing good that would come of it.
Her eyes darkened and I knew that I had gone too far. Again.
“Your parents and my sister feel the shame, no matter where you are girl.”
I sighed and tried not to flinch from her tone. She had a letter in her hand and I presumed it was from them. “Is that from mother and father?”
Her aunt nodded, but did not extend the letter for me to see. “No, it is not for your eyes, only mine.”
“Well did they at least ask how I was? Or ask how the baby was?” I was trying not to feel hopeful, but I did. All I ever wanted was for them to be happy for me, to accept the baby I carried, but my aunt’s harsh words reminded me that it would never happen.
“No dumb girl. They do not care how your bastard child is doing.”
I nodded my head, feeling defeated and no longer able to keep up the charade that her words didn’t matter to me. They did, how could they not? I was left walking a lot slower up the stairs to my small room and as soon as the door closed, I found myself in tears on my bed. I had to get out of there, but I couldn’t go home. Where was I supposed to go?
****
The older woman folded up the letter that she had just received from her sister and her husband.
“You would not guess who came to the house today sister! None other than Damien himself! Harriet never admitted that she was in love with him and he was the man that made her this way, but I know it was. Michael said he was rather forward in making sure he knew to never come back. Harriet can never know about this.
It would only just give her false hope…”
Chapter 4 – Damien
I met up with Gregor later the next evening and he had a tale to tell me. He had looked out for Harriet or some information of where she was and he had gotten more than I had bargained for. I knew something had happened though, it was written all over her father’s face when he looked at me with the hatred that he had carried. It was hard to deny the way his eyes had flashed and I knew then that he would have most assuredly hit me where I stood, if not for who I was and who he was. At one point he had treated me like a son, so it was clear that something had happened to change him so much.
Gregor was one that had a flair for the dramatics and he was keeping me in suspense.
“I don’t know if you want to hear this, Damien. It is not good news.”
My heart sunk a little and my mind raced with the possibilities. I had thought of many, but I was not prepared for the answer that I received. I had not seen that one coming.
“Just tell me already you redheaded brute! You know what she means to me!” Everyone was a bit too clear of how I felt about her. It was a problem, something that I had tried to avoid, but I had to give a reason why I was so interested in what she was doing. I was interested because she was mine. Harriet had been mine since that night, before that even. She had been mine since the first time that I laid my eyes on her. I knew that she was the one for me and it didn’t matter about who she was or who her parents were. I just wanted her.
“Her parents sent her away in shame, Damien.”
I knew what it meant deep down, but at the same time, I didn’t want to think about it. If she was sent away in shame it meant our union was known about. It was what I had come to think about it all after seeing Michael the day before, but it still didn’t tell me who found out and how they found out to begin with.
“What was her shame, being with me?”
Gregor nodded. The men knew the rules were different for them. They would have been shamed a hundred times over if the same rules had applied. But they didn’t apply to them. The only dishonor was in shaming a girl. I wouldn’t feel anything over the guilt I was feeling now. There would be no whispers behind my back and nasty words said to my face. It was not the way of it.
“There’s more.”
How could there be more? Wasn’t the fact that I had ruined her life and chances of an honest marriage enough? Wasn’t I supposed to fee
l worse than I did? I knew then that she really was mine, but it was not the same victory as it had felt like before with her submission. I had been gone too long and it seemed like she had suffered in my absence.
“What more is there my friend? You are now the bearer of bad news.”
He shook his head and it was clear to me that he didn’t want to be. Gregor looked uncomfortable and I couldn’t think of what could be worse than what he just told me. What could be worse than her shame and being made to leave her own home?
“She is with child.”
“My child?”
Gregor shrugged, but I wasn’t really asking him. I knew that it was my baby, but there was a shock in my voice. I felt like it was coming from nowhere. It had only happened once, one sweet night and I never imagined that it would produce a babe.
“I do not know if it is yours, but everyone that I talked to seemed to think it was. They also had a few choice words for you, scoundrel being one of them for ruining her innocence. People think that you should do the right thing and marry her.” He was smiling when he said it and I realized then that he enjoyed seeing me squirm. I wasn’t the only man who had been put into a tough position because of my randy manhood, and I dare say I wouldn’t be the last.
“I can’t marry her. My family would never agree and I would be disinherited.” It wasn’t the idea of being penniless that bothered me, but the idea that my younger and less competent brother would be left in charge of the family castle and wealth. I was sure he would quickly lose it all to gambling and women in the taverns. It would quickly be gone, the family legacy and I couldn’t see that happen.
But she was having my child. We were going to have a child together and I couldn’t think straight. Could this really be? Could I really be a father?
“Well, that is up to you, Damien. I am only telling you what I have heard, like you asked. I never said that you were going to like what I had to say.”
“No, thank you. I have not gotten the same information. Is it really that common of knowledge?”
He shook his head that it wasn’t, but there were rumors and sometimes that was all it took was a few busybodies to come to assumptions and then it was soon talked about as if it were fact. I didn’t like to think about how it had affected Harriet. If it was true, she must be furious with me for leaving. Did she not think that I would come back, that I would break my promise? I wasn’t sure, but I knew then that I had to find her even more than before. There was nothing I could do until I seen her again and then what?
“So tell me you know where she is.”
He nodded and then shrugged a little. “I had to work hard for that information, but from what I hear, she was sent to her aunt’s house in the countryside to have the baby.”
I did the math in my head. It meant that soon she would be having our child and if I didn’t hurry, I was never going to find her. I was given the name of a town to try to find her at and when I left, I had a feeling that I was about to change the course of both of our lives. In the end, I didn’t really care what happened, as long as it somehow ended with Harriet in my arms at the end of it.
***
It took only a matter of a couple of days to find myself in the very village that Harriet was supposed to be in. I had ridden hard most of the time and I had to hand it to her parents, they had certainly gone out of their way to save their own reputation, if not for their daughter. What I couldn’t believe was that I was so close and still did not know what I was going to say to her. She was carrying my bastard child and I couldn’t marry her. What did I have to offer her, a house to raise our son or daughter? And if it was my son, then how could I not let him inherit all I had to give? I was torn in too many directions and even as I signaled the man driving the horses to stop them, I still was unsure what was going to happen next.
I didn’t like feeling that way, not knowing. The unknown was never something that I favored. I had to be in control, things had to go the way I needed them to go, but what was the end result for this? Was I going to marry her or was I going to try to make her my mistress? The idea of asking her to be my mistress didn’t sit well and for one reason, I didn’t think she would be so swept off her feet from the suggestion.
Nervously, I walked into the local tavern and ordered a drink. It was the perfect place to get some information about Harriet if I could and it was also the place to get something to calm my nerves. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time. I was trapped wanting her and I had to see her again, if only to remind myself that she wasn’t the one for me. But I knew she was and I knew in the end I was going to have to ask her to marry me. It was what I wanted to do and it would make it so my son, my heir, wasn’t born a bastard.
I had to hurry though. The baby would be coming any time and I still was not exactly sure where she was. Setting the drink down that I now saw the bottom of, I got up and went back out where I came. I had asked around, but still didn’t find an answer. I was standing there, looking up one side of the street to the other and then I noticed a woman passing not too far away from me.
There was nothing spectacular about the woman to cause such a stare, but it was the small necklace around her neck that made me look again. I would know that piece of jewelry anywhere and I knew it was the very one that I had given Harriet. It had to be because I made sure that it was designed just for her and there was not another one like it.
I couldn’t stop her then or grab for the necklace like I wanted to, but I did want to see where she was going. I hoped that the woman would lead me to Harriet and if not that, maybe I could find out some information before I was too late. I followed the woman a few paces behind her, trying not to startle her by getting too close. She had to lead me to Harriet; I was just so sure of it that it just had to be.
Chapter 5 – Harriet
I could hear him whispering in my ear, asking if I was still awake. I had been waiting for him, but he was late. After falling asleep, my body was still warm from my slumber. Stretching I turned towards him and wrapped myself around him slightly.
“You are late.”
Pushing the hair back from my face he nodded. “I didn’t mean to be.”
“I waited for you. I had something that I wanted to give you.”
His eyebrow went up like he was interested in knowing what the surprise was, but I was still angry with him for making me wait. Bending down, he kissed me again and before I knew it, my anger had dissipated and I was yearning for more. Lying on my back, Damien pushed his body against mine and I could feel every bit of him pressing into me. It was hard to deny the way I felt underneath him or the way my body responded to the hardness pressing against the most sensitive part of me.
I heard him groan and then there were his calloused hands moving up my leg under my dress. It was all happening too fast, his mouth covering up my soft mewls of pleasure as he touched me there. Just the touch, slowly and gently made my body excite and soon I was yearning for something more. I felt empty, hallow and needed Damien to fill me up. I knew he was the only one that could, the only one that could truly give me what I really wanted.
“Please, Damien. I want to be yours.”
“You are mine, Harriet.”
“I want to be yours in every way.”
His eyes darkened and he asked me if I was sure. I wasn’t, but I nodded my head that I was. I knew that if I didn’t have him that very night, I would not want to go on. He was leaving in the morning and I would never see him again. I knew the risks but I didn’t care. I would never love anyone the way that I loved Damien and I needed him.
Damien didn’t ask if I was sure again, instead he sat up and quickly dispatched with his clothes. I waited for him, my eyes almost slits, and his hand was back between my legs to make sure that my mind didn’t change. How could it? All he was to me was pleasure, every touch awakening my body to what it should feel like, what love felt like.
I couldn’t wait any longer and then he was over me, pushing against me and then a sudden
feeling of being stuffed full of him. I gasped and then moaned his name slowly.
Waking up suddenly, I could still feel the throb of need that I had felt in that moment. But I was alone, in the small room in the attic of my aunt’s house. Damien was not there to save me and take me away from anything. He was gone and even though I had awoken from that dream more times than I cared to admit, it hurt the same every time. Every time I woke up alone, it was like losing him all over again. Over and over again I lost him and that morning I could feel that hot result of that unfulfilled need on my cheeks.
Getting up, I tried to get myself together, but my hands still trembled from the memories and I could still feel the tingling sensation of him inside of me. I felt hollow again, utterly empty without him and knowing that his child grew larger inside of me was of no real comfort to me. I was going to be alone and without him and that hit me harder than my aunt’s constant jabs.
I had to push him out of my mind or I was going to drive myself crazy. There was nothing that I could do really. He was gone and that was that. I wished for many things, but I had not wished and prayed for nothing as much as I had for Damien. To keep him safe in the war and to maybe one day bring him back to me. I knew it was a long shot, but I sent another wishful prayer up for him, that maybe one day we could be together again. I knew it was impossible to have him like I wanted, but I knew then that if I could have him in any way, it would be better than nothing at all.
***
“I have been waiting for you for a while, Harriet. I was starting to wonder if you were going to get up at all. This is no time to be lazy child, there is so much that needs to be done. Don’t think that I am going to do everything around here while you lay about. I told your mother I would watch over you, but never did I say I would be your servant.”
I sighed to myself and sat down at the table in front of a plate of cold potatoes and some kind of meat. She never splurged on anything that was too costly, so I knew that it was whatever the butcher had for little at the time. The smell of it was making me realize that I wasn’t so hungry anymore, but after more of her prodding, I managed to put down half of a small potato before I pushed the plate away.
