Thirty-Eight Reasons

by Len Webster

“You told me you never loved me, Noel. You got over me.”

  I hurt her, why did I say it? Why couldn't I just listen? We could have been happy.

  “I know, but…” He wasn't sure how to explain. His actions that afternoon never had an explanation.

  “No, you don't understand. I never, not once, told you I didn't love you. If anything, I loved you more and I saw my mistake and came back for you. But you said it so easily, like what you were saying was nothing. How could you just tell me you never loved me? I believed you loved me in some way. I felt it when we were together, Noel. But to hear you never did destroyed me. That night, when you told me to tell you that I didn't love you, I couldn't. I couldn't tell you a lie. I wouldn't lie about my love for you because I cared, Noel. I cared! I gave you up so you could be happy, but I was dying inside because I wasn't with you. When I said yes to marrying Liam, I thought of you and the mistake I made. I wanted you to change your mind and pick me!” Clara placed her hands on his chest and for a moment he felt whole again. Then the moment fled him as she put distance between them.

  “You ended us and moved on with Liam,” he said.

  Clara took a few steps back. “You broke my heart that night and I realised I wasn't going to make you happy. I loved you, Noel,” she softly cried.

  Those brown eyes piercing him and he felt his own tears start to burn.

  “Past tense. You loved me, Clara. Past as in you're over me.” His eyes met the ground and the despair in him spread through his veins.

  “How could you doubt my love for you, Noel?”

  He faced Clara and her look of pain was now replaced with disbelief.

  “What?”

  “I told you, I never said I didn’t love you. That was you. Not me. I loved you enough to risk my engagement to be with you. And that meant nothing to you. Whether or not I love you right now doesn't matter. You said it yourself, I broke your heart and you got over me. You never loved me the way you thought you did. Everything we had is gone. She's wearing the locket and I know what that symbolises for you, Noel.”

  No. It can't be this way.

  “I don't know how she found it, Clara. I hid it away because it hurt to see it not around your neck, where it belongs. It has always belonged to you. You're wrong. I lied, Clara, I still—”

  “Clara?”

  Her name stopped him from confessing he still loved her. Noel watched as Clara quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “You out here, sweetheart?”

  Noel shook his head. He couldn't be here. This was his time to win Clara back.

  “Liam,” she breathed out, almost sounding relieved to have him interrupt them.

  Clara stepped around Noel, but he couldn't turn around. He couldn't see them together with Liam’s ring on her finger. But he forced himself to turn. Before this week was over he'd find a way to win her back. Noel felt the guilt twist in his stomach. He had a girlfriend and Clara had a fiancé. He was considering hurting Andrea to be with Clara and she didn’t deserve that.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked before Liam pulled her in and kissed her passionately.

  Noel felt the anger in him rise. It was the ugly kind of anger, the type had him wanting to pull Clara from Liam’s arms and stake his claim on her heart.

  It should be me. I should be the one she loves.

  “Told the board of directories that if they wanted me to invest then I was going to New York to be with my fiancée. Did I surprise you?” Liam asked as he held Clara's face in his hands.

  His fiancée…

  Noel balled his fists as he concentrated on getting his emotions under control.

  “Have you been crying, Clara? What's wrong?” The genuine worry in Liam’s voice was one Noel despised. Liam truly loved Clara and Noel wished he didn’t.

  “I, uhh…” Clara started to say, but Noel knew she didn't have an explanation for her tears.

  “Sorry, that was my fault. I told her some news about my gran and she didn't take it very well,” Noel interrupted.

  Clara turned and eyed him, seeing straight through the lie.

  “Is your gran okay?” Liam asked.

  “She's all right. She's been feeling ill lately. Clara was close to Gran when she was a kid,” Noel said. It wasn't quite the lie. His gran had called to tell him that she was recently getting fainting spells whenever she visited the vineyards near her house.

  “She's okay. I tried to tell Clara that, but—I am so sorry, Clara.” He let that apology hold a hidden message that Liam wouldn't get.

  “It's okay. Umm…” Clara said as she stepped away from Liam.

  “Nolan Parker, this is my fiancé, Liam O’Connor. Liam, this is Noel, Alex's best friend,” Clara introduced.

  Noel took a step forward and reached out his hand to Liam.

  “I remember you. I met you outside of our apartment last year, yeah?” Liam said as they shook hands.

  Noel didn’t like the way Liam emphasised ‘our’ when he spoke. There was a hint of possessiveness in his voice but only Noel picked up on it. But it could just be Liam illuminating the fact that he was proud to live with her. If Noel were Liam, he’d be proud too. He’d climb on top of mountains and beat his chest, screaming his love for her.

  He remembers me.

  “Yeah, I was visiting Alex,” Noel replied.

  Their hands parted and Liam took Clara's left hand. She didn’t look at Noel and he knew this was uncomfortable for her.

  She loved me first.

  “Well, any friend of Clara's is a friend of mine. It was nice seeing you again. You don't mind if I borrow Clara for a minute… that is, if you're finished talking. I can wait inside.”

  Clara's right hand touched Liam's arm and she shook her head. “We're finished, aren't we, Noel?”

  He knew the real meaning of Clara's response and he shook his head. “No. We're not. But I can wait for you until you're free,” Noel replied.

  Clara flinched slightly and he watched her breathe in sharply.

  “Well, I don't think you should wait. You have fun tonight. I'm glad Granny Parker is fine. I knew she always would be,” she said before she walked in the direction of the hall.

  He waited to see if Clara would turn back and look at him, but she didn't. Instead she placed a kiss on Liam's cheek and smiled.

  Noel stood there alone with the night. It was hard to see her with Liam. It was hard to know that Liam had her, got that ring on her finger and made love to her. He felt sick at the thought. The thought of Liam touching what he had first made him insane beyond thought.

  I was her first.

  He took deep breaths but the anger in him lingered. He had no reason to be so angry; he had been with Andrea since Clara. It would be hypocritical of him to judge her. Noel shook his head and tried to forget the pain that radiated from his chest. Walking into the hall and towards the dance floor, he spotted them.

  A smile on Clara's face as Liam spoke to her, then she laughed and rested her head on Liam's chest as they swayed to the sound of the jazz band playing. Noel stood by the edge of the dance floor and watched them. That diamond ring was all he could look at. He had been so close to asking her and so close to having his ring on her finger. Noel clenched his jaw to control himself. All he wanted to do was walk over there and rip Liam's hands off her.

  Noel looked to see Julian standing next to him as he, too, looked at Clara.

  “What's the plan to ruin that engagement of hers?”

  “I can't believe you're here,” she said once the song finished and they stopped dancing. Things with Noel were getting too personal and she was thankful for Liam's arrival. There were so many things unsaid that it hurt to bring them up. Her reason for being in Boston was explained, but it still tore a hole right through her chest.

  She thought she'd be okay when she saw them together, but seeing the locket she used to call hers was hard. The moment she left Noel with Andrea she walked over to Julian. He was her source of comfort in a hall full of s
trangers until she needed to be alone with her thoughts. Clara was relieved that Liam had come. It meant she wouldn't do something crazy in the week she'd be in New York with Noel.

  “I felt guilty that I keep putting work first. Being here is important to you and spending time with Alex is something I want to do.”

  Clara got on her tippy toes and kissed Liam's cheek.

  “You're amazing. You have no idea how thankful I am to have you here.” She was relieved that she wasn't in the presence of those green eyes. If she had been for any longer she would have confessed that she still loved him. Clara loved Liam, but the love she felt for Noel wouldn't leave her. It had to. It wasn’t fair if it stayed and lingered.

  I don't ever want to hurt Liam.

  “Clara, we’re just about to make speeches. You're after Noel. Is that okay?” her brother’s girlfriend asked.

  Clara turned to see Keira eyeing the sight of Liam holding her hand.

  Oh, god. I have to make a speech.

  “Okay,” Clara said as she gave Liam a quick kiss on his cheek and followed Keira toward the stage.

  As she climbed the steps she could see Noel holding the microphone as he waited for her. Keira walked past Noel and returned to Alex's arms. Clara looked out at the guests to see Liam next to Rob and Julian, and Max and Andrea smiled up at her. Clara's eyes found the locket on Andrea's neckline and she quickly looked away.

  “Are you okay?” Noel whispered.

  No.

  “Yes,” she lied as she tried to control her breathing. Public speaking was something she didn't do well and the shakes started to control her body.

  “Hey everyone, I'm Noel. A lot of you know me since I worked with most of you while I was in New York. For those of you that don't know, I'm Alex's best friend. We have been since we were kids. What can I say… only that I love him. Alex and I have been through everything and I owe him so much. The past year…” Noel stopped and looked over at Clara for a quick second before he continued. “Has tested us. I did things that he wasn't happy about and I knew I might lose him as my brother. He supported me even when I didn’t deserve it. He’s the best man I know. But just know that I never regretted what I did.”

  Noel stopped and looked her right in the eyes, “Ever.” He gave her a sad smile. “Because we became even tighter. We share each other’s pain and joy. He showed me what a better man was like.”

  Clara stunned, looked away from him and at Alex, who only gave her a nod to the pleas she silently made. She started to feel a little lightheaded and decided that not looking at Noel was her safest bet.

  “Happy birthday, Alex. I speak for everyone when I say you deserve a happy life with Keira. I'll pass it over to Clara.” Her name on his lips woke her from her thoughts. Noel handed her the microphone and she took it. His fingers brushed over hers and the tingling sensation had her heart clenching. Their eyes met and she knew he felt it too. Their mutual attraction hadn’t been lost. Something was still there.

  “Alex, umm, uhh…” Clara began to say but once she looked at the crowd she felt slightly nauseated. She searched the crowd of guests but couldn't find Liam. She was frantic. He was the person she would focus on but he was gone.

  I can't do this. I can't speak in front of all these people.

  “It's okay, Clara. Stay with me. You're okay. Just breathe,” his voice whispered in her ear.

  She felt his hands on her shoulders and her heart expanded. Closing her eyes, she breathed in deeply and faced him. His eyes searched hers but they said nothing.

  I miss what we had. I miss being what made him happy. I miss him loving me… and I miss loving him. I gave him that nothingness in his eyes. I gave him pain. I don’t deserve him.

  “Thanks for that, Noel. I appreciate it,” Liam said.

  Clara shook her head until she felt Liam's hands entwine with hers.

  “You've got this, sweetheart,” he whispered reassuringly.

  Clara felt the difference. Liam's words of whispers didn't make her heart hurt in such want and need like Noel's. She smiled and squeezed Liam's hand. His whispers were more supportive… like a crutch. Clara frowned.

  Is Liam my crutch?

  Now’s not the time, Clara.

  Concentrate.

  “I'm sorry. I'm not really into speaking in public. Alex, you are the most amazing person in this world. It is such an honour to be related to you and be your little sister. I know we haven't had it easy, but I love you and I am so proud to see all your friends here and your life in New York. There is no one on this earth I look up to more than you. I am who I am because of you and your love. Happy Birthday, Alex!” Clara wished. She was proud to call him her brother.

  Alex kissed Keira's head before he walked over to Clara. Liam let go of her hand as Alex wrapped his arms around her.

  “I love you, Clara. Don’t think for a minute you’ve ever hurt me. No matter what happened or what will happen, you will always be my first priority. I will always protect you.”

  Clara let a sob escape her. They were words her father should have said to her. But instead it was her brother. She held him tighter.

  “I love you, too, Alex,” she whispered back. “I can never repay you for what you’ve done for me.”

  Alex let go of her and placed his hands on her arms and looked her straight in the eye. “Just be happy, Clara.”

  Just be happy.

  Before she could ask what he meant, Alex took the microphone from her hand. He stepped to the left a little and Liam took her hand again. She looked up at Liam and smiled, forgetting the fact that it was not his whispers that she yearned for. He made her happy. Was that the happiness he brother meant? Clara shook her head. She was analysing it too much.

  “Thank you all for coming here tonight to celebrate with me. First off, I need to thank this special woman. Darling, you've made me a better man, I love you. The boys from Melbourne, nice having you lot here. Noel, you've had my back since day one, you get to live,” Alex joked and the hall filled with laughs.

  “And my little sister. I love you, Clara. I will always protect you and you are more important to me than you think.”

  Clara smiled at Alex's acknowledgement.

  “Right, before we all get that wasted, we aren't only here to celebrate my birthday… my little sister is getting married to this man right here! I couldn't be happier. So, glasses up everyone. Congratulations, Clara and Liam, on your engagement. And to my brother-in-law-to-be, welcome to the family! You treat my sister wrong in any way, be sure to find me ripping your balls—”

  “Okay, that's enough from you,” Keira said taking the microphone. “Congratulations, Clara and Liam, we wish you a long and happy marriage together.”

  A round of applause began before a set of cheers, her face started to turn bright red. The cheers increased as Alex pulled Keira in for a very steamy and public kiss in front of the crowd. Clara realised just how much Alex had to drink.

  “Did your brother accept our engagement and then threaten me?” Liam asked as he walked Clara down the stage steps.

  “Yes, I believe he did.” Clara let out a laugh and Liam joined in. She noticed Noel walk past them and the pang of guilt erupted inside her, one that she had no understanding of.

  “I better thank him,” Clara said.

  Liam let go of her hand and nodded. “I'll go speak to your brother and convince him that no ball ripping is necessary.” He winked and walked towards her brother.

  Clara walked over to the bar that Noel leant on. He had a beer in his hand, staring at it. She breathed in sharply as she took the few steps needed until she was next to him. He straightened his posture as his green eyes met hers.

  “I just wanted to say thank you for back there on the stage. I appreciate you calming me down.” Clara waited for Noel to say something but he kept his eyes focused on her hand.

  “Can I see that ring?”

  Unsure of his motives, Clara raised her left hand up to Noel. He surprised her by taking her
hand in his and inspected the engagement ring on her finger. Instead of letting go, his fingertips slowly ran across her knuckles and her ring finger. She held her breath as Noel touched her, leaving her with wanting a little more than the trailing of his finger.

  “You and I both know this ring doesn't belong on that finger.” Noel dropped her hand and it fell beside her. He leaned in close, his lips almost touching her right ear.

  His hot breath had her heart accelerating and her breathing heaved.

  “If you feel the way I do, Clara, then we both know what’s going to happen. You'll be getting married… but it won't be to Liam. I'll make sure of that.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  Her wide eyes spoke the words that failed to come out of her mouth. She wasn’t expecting him to declare his intentions, truth be told, he wasn’t either. But the sight of Liam holding her was enough for him to lose his composure. That moment on the stage, that was his, and Liam could never take it away. It was a risky move to whisper in her ear and touch her but his body and his heart controlled his actions.

  She loved me first. I have to believe she loves me more.

  The disbelief in Clara’s face was evident. Her face went pale and she blinked at him. Over nine months apart and still she had the power to send him on his knees. Somehow he needed this week to work. He needed to figure out where he stood with Clara. He needed to make sure Clara understood his true intentions.

  “If you think I’m letting you get away this time, you’re wrong, Clara. I’m not over us. You can try and run, and try and forget, but you and I both know it’s still there.” He let that sink in for a moment before he scanned the room quickly to ensure they were out of sight and Noel took her hand. “I’m determined to show you just how right we were together. We weren’t wrong for each other. We are, should be and will be right for each other.” Noel ran his fingers over the knuckles of her right hand. If he tried her left, he’d take that ring off her finger and hand it back to Liam.

  He noticed Clara’s chest heave and he could see the conflicted emotions in her eyes. He entwined his fingers with hers and squeezed her hand gently.