Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I blinked. “No. Of course not. I guess I’d just like to know if I’m competing against half the population or the whole thing.”

  “Would it matter?”

  I realised that, no it didn’t matter at all. I really only wanted to know because I had a perverse interest in his sexuality. But, why was that? It seemed like it was all over the media; who was dating who, who came out, who didn’t, what the public’s reaction was, over and over again it was reinforced we were supposed to care. But, his question made me realise that I thought it was no more interesting to me than anyone else’s love life – I was interested because I was nosey and I liked the idea that people were happy, but that was as far as I was bothered. I mean, I wasn’t going to change my immediate reaction overnight, but I was going to try harder to be less interested in what other people got up to in the privacy of their own lives no matter who they chose to do it with.

  “Doll?” Xander asked and I looked up to find him watching me carefully. “I was joking… About me and Dan. I love the dude like a brother, but I just don’t think we’d be compatible. Romantically. We’re both…dominant… You know?”

  I flushed harder. “Lovely image, that.” Because what I needed when I already had to stop myself fantasising over Xander was to imagine him in compromising situations.

  He flashed me that split-second smile and went back to whatever he was doing.

  “You know, that wasn’t really a number…?” I started.

  “Were you after a number?”

  I shrugged to myself. “I don’t know.”

  “Do you know how many guy’s you’ve hooked up with?”

  “Yes.”

  “Really?” he asked sceptically and I was both glad I couldn’t see his face and wished I could see it.

  “Yes. But, when there’s been about three it’s easier to remember the number.”

  He scoffed and I saw him nod. “Fair point. About three, though? That’s a little vague, doll.”

  “Well, what base do you count as a hook up? Or, does just the meeting of lips count?”

  He turned back to me in the middle of sucking something off his thumb and I had a moment. “I can think of a number of hook-ups where there was no meeting of lips. At least, my lips didn’t touch anything.” He gave me that wink, but something seemed different about it, like he didn’t believe in it or something.

  “Yeah, I remember how much you like blow jobs,” I muttered with a nod. “Okay. So considering a hook-up is anything remotely sexual, how many girls?”

  He looked me over with that smouldering expression and I felt like I needed a fan or something. “I’d say something like fifteen different hook-ups. I had sex with…five of those.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Five?”

  He shrugged and it was almost self-conscious. “Yeah. Five.”

  “That’s all?”

  He looked at me, stunned. “What do you mean, that’s all?” he asked, a disbelieving smile crossing his face. “Is that not enough?”

  “Well, I’d heard something like fifty. So, I mean, five’s kind of a letdown. Don’t you think?”

  He stared at me like he didn’t know if I was real or not for a moment. Then, he burst out laughing.

  “What?” I asked, his laughter making me smile.

  He waved a hand at me. “You’ve got to be the first person who’s been disappointed in my number of conquests.”

  “Well, look. I was expecting double digits, Xand. Five’s a little underwhelming after that.”

  He shook his head, wearing that adorable smile, and went back to dinner. “Uh huh, sure. Next question.”

  “Okay, favourite drink. I know you don’t really like Mountain Dew.”

  He chuckled and goose bumps spread across my skin. “I don’t hate it. But, how do you really hate something that looks like radioactive waste? I mean, what isn’t cool about that? Besides, I thought you knew this already?”

  “So, I was right with the red Powerade?”

  He nodded, his back to me. “You were. Blue is hands-down amazing, but it needs to stay super chilled and nothing stays super chilled enough in summer. So, I got used to red.”

  “Okay, and what about Linkin Park? You call Vengaboys old school?”

  He huffed. “Yeah, okay. But, at least they’re still releasing music–”

  “When did they last release something?”

  “This year. One More Light. And, you can hardly talk. When did the Vengaboys make anything new?”

  “2014. It was a Christmas album.”

  “Wishing you a very Venga Christmas?” he sniggered.

  “No. But, that might have got them number one,” I replied with a smile.

  “How did you even hear about them?”

  I thought for a moment. “I think I heard them on Mix and gave them a good old Shazam?”

  He snorted. “Yeah, I’ll bet. What do you like about them, anyway?”

  I smiled, just thinking about it. “It’s impossible to listen to one of their songs and not smile. No matter what kind of mood I’m in, it always makes me happy. What about you?”

  “Eh.” He shrugged. “I guess they’re catchy. That one about wanting him in her room? I can get behind that.”

  I giggled. “Linkin Park.”

  “Ah.” He paused. “I don’t know. Their music…speaks to me. I get it.”

  It was one of times we were teetering on real, on serious, on some part of Xander I wasn’t sure that I was ready to admit existed beyond the shallow visage of his reputation. I was torn between delving deeper, seeing if there really was more, or pulling away. In the end, he decided it for me as he put the dish in the oven and turned with a flourish.

  “Right. That needs something like a half hour, maybe an hour.” He waved his hands. “It’s all very colour by numbers.”

  “Colour by numbers?” I clarified.

  He nodded. “Yeah. You know. You’ve got to let it guide you.”

  I frowned as I thought about that. “I guess I can see where you’re coming from. But, I don’t think that’s a thing.”

  “Huh,” he huffed. “Weird. Why not? Makes total sense.” I decided not to correct him. “Anyway, I propose–”

  “Little early, don’t you think?”

  He smirked. “Cute. What say we fight it out in the virtual arena, then movie while we eat?”

  I nodded. “I can get behind that.”

  He came around the side of the counter and held his hand out for me. I took it and he surprised me when he led me across the entryway and into a huge living room.

  “Did you leave your socks out or something?” I asked him.

  He turned to me with a smile. “I didn’t think I could be trusted to control myself. Whole house to ourselves. All night. My room. I’m a gentleman, Holly, but my restraint only goes so far.”

  I laughed, knowing he was only joking. “Somehow, I doubt your restraint will be schooled by a change in venue.”

  “And risk making a mess in Mother’s good room?” he gasped sarcastically, but I got the feeling he’d heard a lot to that effect in complete seriousness during his life.

  I smirked and shook my head. “You’re of course assuming that I have complete control over my restraint,” I laughed.

  He pulled me to him. “Oh, is dirty Holly coming out to play?” he teased.

  I frowned at him, or at least I tried. “There is no dirty Holly, remember?”

  He tightened his hands around my waist and I slid mine up his chest. “I remember you’re in denial,” he huffed a laugh.

  “I am not in denial.”

  “You will be when I finally beat you.”

  I laughed as Xander pulled away slowly and turned the TV on. I dropped onto the couch as he got everything started, then took the controller he passed me.

  “What’s your poison?”

  “Mario Kart!” I said happily and he smirked at me.

  “You thi
nk you can beat me on Rainbow Road again?” he asked sceptically.

  I nodded. “Totally.”

  He shook his head. “That was a complete fluke.”

  It had been. The one time we’d played. But, I wasn’t about to tell him that.

  “Rematch, King Douche. Let’s do this.”

  His eyes widened and he was trying not to smile. “You’re on, Doll.”

  So, we loaded Rainbow Road and we went into combat. For the first lap, I kept to the middle of the front half of the pack, just managing to avoid falling off the road. Xander though was less lucky. Or, he was just less good. He spent so much time waiting for Lakitu and his cloud to fish him out and put him back on the track that we all lapped him quickly. Lap two saw Xander’s swearing and muttering crank up a notch and keeping myself on the road was becoming a little more difficult because I kept laughing.

  Of course, he noticed and I was sure he was trying to put me off by making me laugh harder, which just made us both fall off. By the time I finally got to lap three, I was number eleven and even six Bullet Bills weren’t getting Xander through his lap two in time. I also had tears running down my face and Xander was spending more time trying to use my controller than his own.

  Somehow, I got across the finish line. Our heads were close to each other and we were laughing like crazy. I dropped my head to his chest because I felt like I was about to fall over from laughing so hard.

  “Okay, I concede,” Xander panted, “you are the almighty Rainbow Road Warrior.”

  I snorted. “If I ever need to go fishing, I’ll call you and Lakitu.”

  He tipped my face up to look at him and there was that shine in his eyes, that infectiously (not) charming smile, that look that conned my little heart into thinking we could be amazing together. As we looked at each other, our laughter merely became a shared warm smile and I had to tell my heart to stand down from the expectant beat it was suddenly marching around quite happily to.

  It was dangerous, I knew. But then, I liked the way Xander made me feel. It wasn’t just my heart, it was my brain too. I liked the way we could chat and laugh and do stupid things together. I liked how comfortable I felt with him even if I was trying to remember that I wasn’t supposed to. I liked the way he seemed to like me for me, that he appreciated me as I was, not who I felt like I was supposed to be.

  Maybe we could cross some lines, sometimes, and my heart would be okay? So, while I told my heart not to look, I reached up and kissed him softly. As we drew away from each other, the humour in his eyes had become wary; like he was trying to work out what I wanted so he didn’t overstep any bounds.

  “Holly…” he breathed.

  I looked into his eyes and replied, “Nothing wrong with having a bit of fun with it.”

  He flashed me the split-second grin that my heart liked more than it should and kissed me. My arms went around his neck despite the weird angle. There were elbows and knees and contortion that I sort of ignored in favour of enjoying his kiss.

  Somewhere along the way, we’d lain down and he was lying half over me as we made out like it was going out of fashion – as Mum’s beau would say. I didn’t know how long we were at it. But, a steady beeping from the kitchen pulled Xander from me with a confused frown on his face.

  He broke into a grin as he looked at me and jumped up. “I think that’s the smoke alarm,” he sniggered, then ran off.

  I followed after him, obviously more worried than him.

  But, dinner wasn’t ruined. The cheese on top was just a little black and could easily be avoided.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to keep this up.

  A girl could only pretend that people didn’t hate her for so long. And, the number seemed to be growing, not shrinking.

  Despite the fact that things had seemed strained with my old friends and we didn’t talk in person, I’d still been talking to them a little online. But, we were swiftly running out of things to talk about, especially when I was completely out of the loop on the group chat. I tried catching up on it on Monday night, but realised that forty-eight percent of what was talked about related to things that had happened in person. Which wasn’t surprising really.

  But, it did make me realise that I didn’t really have any substance with them. And I was starting to think I never did.

  I tried to think about the things we used to talk about; I was sure we’d talked about books and movies, bemoaning what was leaving Netflix, we’d talked about sport or news, or even assignments. But, trying to keep up with the group chat since I’d left, there was none of that. It was all gossip about the whole damned school; gossip about what stupidly embarrassing thing the nerdy Drama geeks got up to, or who Daniel or Rachel had last hooked up with and that Xander must have been hooking up with people behind my back, which stoner had got the most recent detention, who’d fought in the quad, what people were saying about me and Xander and Jason and Nancy.

  I stared at the group chat on Tuesday afternoon, for some reason thinking I’d be able to get involved this time. But, it was all the same. And, I wondered if I was that shallow. Had I made up all that stuff about books and movies and assignments? Could I go back through the conversation and find that all it had ever been was rumour and gossip and rehashing our day?

  And it was, as I was staring at the screen, that I was kicked out of the chat. It was suddenly unavailable to me. I blinked and my already unsure heart staggered to a stop and stared disbelieving at the phone with me. It tapped the screen, just to make sure we weren’t imagining things.

  Nope. I’d been kicked. Not just kicked. Blocked. I’d been blocked from the damned chat I’d started like three years earlier.

  I wasn’t sure if my heart was going to sit in the corner and cry or go on a Godzilla-sized rampage. Both options seemed pretty good just then.

  So, of course, my afternoon got better.

  “We ready to go?” said the not entirely unpleasant voice in my ear as his hand found its way to my arse.

  But, I was not in the mood for keeping up appearances. I pulled away from him a little more violently than was probably necessary. “What have we said about hands!” I hissed angrily.

  Xander’s face fell from that uplifting smirk to confusion. And, given what had happened on Saturday, I didn’t blame him. It hadn’t got any more physical than the standard before dinner, but I hadn’t been staying on my side of the line the way I should have. And, I only had myself to blame for my behaviour. Both then and now.

  “Doll, everything okay?” he asked and my heart got even more unsettled at the tone of confused despair in his voice; because the last thing I needed was to hurt his feelings.

  “Fine. Don’t you need to get to practice?” I snapped.

  I made to leave but he caught my hand and pulled me back to him. “Holly, talk to me. What happened?”

  I sighed, telling myself he didn’t need to get involved in all my grumps. “It doesn’t matter. It’s fine.” I looked over him in his sport uniform. “You’ll be late.”

  “So, I’ll be late.” He shrugged, trying to look in my eyes.

  Score one for the short chick.

  He put his finger under my chin and I finally let him tilt my chin up, but I made it clear I was annoyed with him. He smirked, knowing I was being stubborn as much for stubborn’s sake as I was actually mad at him.

  “Don’t make me call you pookie…”

  I had to bit my lip, but even then I couldn’t help my reaction to him; he made all the bad things seem less bad. With him, I could take a deep breath and put everything into perspective again.

  I’d walked out on my friends and I’d started (fake) dating Jason’s rival, did I really expect that everything would be the same with them? Especially with Nancy parading around the school telling everyone how deranged and obsessive I was about Xander. Not that I’d heard any of it in person since Maths a couple of weeks earlier, but
the rumours had spread like wildfire. You could see it in the way the kids looked at Xander and me like they were trying to see how placating he was really being.

  It also added more fuel to the steadily burning fires of the debate as to who was going to last longer, to the discussions of who was the better couple, and the anger coming out of the Bow Inner Sanctum.

  My girl’s day on Sunday had actually gone well.

  Okay, if well here meant that they dragged me from shop to shop while everyone but Miranda seemed unsure about how friendly they were supposed to be with me, then it went gangbusters. Tara and Liv alternately seemed to forget I was there and pay too much attention to me. Britt had been there as well and stoically ignored me while Miranda stayed pretty much by my side the whole day as though she was worried I was going to wander off and get lost.

  There’d been a running into Daniel and Greg moment where I was worried Daniel was going to drag me off my by hair and berate me for something horrible. But, he’d just raked his gaze over me like I may as well not have existed and then the boys were shooed off and we went back to our day. Tara got her flats. Miranda got her outfit. And, Liv got a good stockpile of her lipgloss.

  And, what did I get? I managed to avoid everything but what I was told was a really cute outfit. It wasn’t a bad outfit, I guessed. It was this little maroon lace tight, short t-shirt and flared black skirt. Let’s just say it could have been so much worse.

  “Holly?” I heard Xander say and I quit reminiscing and looked at him. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem completely out of it.”

  I nodded. “Fine. I just… No. I’m fine.”

  He took a deep breath and looked at me a little exasperatedly. “Okay, let’s go.”

  I closed my locker, gave him my hand and followed him. But, we didn’t head to the oval. “Xander?”

  “Mmm?” he answered as he pulled me along and I suddenly wondered if there was a shortcut in the school I’d never known about before…that magically went in the wrong direction…?

  “Where are we going?”