Finding Bliss

by Dina Silver

  Two of the longest minutes of my life passed.

  Three of the longest minutes of my life passed.

  I heard a loud bang below as the fire department kicked in the side door that led into our kitchen. A second later, three firemen and two paramedics were standing over my blood-drenched naked body. They went to work at lightning speed, covering me and placing me on a stretcher. I moaned louder, and my head rolled uncontrollably from side to side.

  “Please help my baby, please help the baby. I’m pregnant, oh my God, why is this happening, please don’t let me lose the baby.” My pleas and primal screams were on replay for the entire ride to the hospital. Once in the emergency room, the staff moved even more quickly than the paramedics.

  “Do you know how far along you are?” a nurse asked me.

  “Thirty-five weeks.”

  She rushed me up to the maternity unit, where one nurse began to monitor the baby’s heart rate, and another eagerly tried to get an IV into my arm. Dr. Leonard walked in in scrubs, consulted with the team of nurses, and then came to my side.

  “Your placenta has separated, and you’re losing a lot of blood. The baby is in great distress, so we have to do an emergency C-section,” he said and disappeared.

  My cries and screams were so foreign to me that I could’ve sworn I was living through someone else’s nightmare. I was raced down the hall into another brightly lit room filled with people and monitors. An anesthesiologist came to my side, injected something into my IV, and that was the last thing I remember.

  I blinked and then closed my eyes.

  I blinked again but couldn’t keep my lids open.

  The room was empty and silent.

  My head was heavy against the pillow.

  My arms were weak. I couldn’t move them.

  My eyes were still closed when someone took hold of my hand.

  I forced them open and saw Tyler standing over me.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  Thank God,” he whispered and gently tucked some stray hairs behind my ear. His eyes were weary.

  “Where’s the baby?” I asked.

  “He’s in the NICU. He’s perfect. They had to resuscitate him and put a breathing tube in, but he’s doing great. A real trooper like his mom.” He squeezed my hand and didn’t let go.

  “I need to see him.”

  The door swung open, and Dr. Leonard walked in with a nurse. “You’re awake. Good. How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “A little sore. Can I see the baby?”

  “Give yourself another hour of rest, and then we’ll have one of the nurses wheel you down there,” he said and then turned his attention to one of the monitors behind me.

  “Why did this happen to me?”

  He gave a small shrug. “A placental abruption can be caused by any number of things, or nothing at all. The good news is that you did the right thing, and you’re both going to be just fine.”

  “He’s only thirty-five weeks though?”

  “He’ll probably spend a week or two in the NICU. We have to keep an eye on his lungs since he’s a little early and has a breathing tube now. But he’s doing really well.”

  I choked up. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done.”

  He smiled. “It’s my pleasure. Take it easy, and I’ll check back on you tomorrow.”

  Tyler let go of my hand and pulled a chair over to the bed. “You okay?”

  I nodded.

  “You gave us all a big scare. I thought I’d lost you. I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

  “I don’t know what happened. I was getting in the tub and started bleeding.” I paused to fight back tears. “It was awful.”

  “Everything’s okay now, shhhh, don’t get upset; you need to relax.”

  I turned my face away from him and closed my eyes. His adoring green eyes were more than I could handle. “I assume Grace called you?” I said softly.

  “Yeah. She called your mom, too, and again when you safely came out of surgery.”

  “Is she still here?”

  “She left as soon as I arrived because Jack is out of town, but she’s going to come back in the morning.”

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after ten.”

  My body was weak, and my mind was struggling to piece things together. Once I’d sat down in the bath, everything happened so quickly. It was hard to grasp that my baby was now outside of my body and in good health. I had been so convinced he wasn’t going to survive.

  “So what are we going to name this little guy?” Tyler asked.

  To me, there was so much permanence and importance that came with naming a child. I would’ve loved to have had someone in my life that I could’ve named my son after, but I wasn’t about to honor Tyler’s father, Jim, with a namesake. And I never liked when boys had the same name as their dad…too confusing. So I’d spent a few hours online in recent weeks looking for a name with no significant associations whatsoever. Just one that made me happy.

  “His name is Connor. Connor Samuel Reed.” I had no intention of robbing my son of his right to his father’s last name.

  Tyler smiled. “I love it. And Sammy will be thrilled.”

  An hour later, I buzzed the nurse and asked her to take me down to the NICU. Tyler followed us as she pushed me in a wheelchair to the elevators. We were buzzed past security and asked to sanitize our hands and arms. I could feel my heart pounding as I was wheeled past the row of clear-plastic bassinets. As she stopped in front of Connor’s, I placed my hand over my smiling mouth and gazed at him. He was perfect, just like Tyler had said. He was covered in tubes and surgical tape, but he was absolute perfection.

  “Can I touch him?” I whispered to the nurse.

  “Of course,” she said.

  I slowly eased myself out of the chair and stood over him. I gently placed my pinky finger into his grasp and leaned over to kiss his tiny face.

  “How long will he have to be here?” I asked.

  “At least a week. Until he’s eating and breathing on his own.”

  Tyler held up his phone and snapped a bunch of pictures of my son and me. We fed him some formula, changed a diaper, and then headed back upstairs to my room. Tyler fell asleep on the daybed by the window.

  The next morning, Grace and her mom greeted us with coffee and doughnuts.

  “I can’t tell you how worried I was; I’ve never been so terrified in my life,” Grace said. “When I saw your back door had been kicked in and you were nowhere to be found, I seriously almost had a heart attack.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  “Don’t be silly. I was just so glad they got you to the hospital in time.”

  “Thank you for calling my mom. What did she say?”

  “Well, I played down the severity of the situation at first, but I thought she should know what was happening. I told her you were rushed to the hospital with contractions and that I would call her back when I had more details. By then I knew you and the baby weren’t in any more danger, so I let her know, and she was very relieved. You should call her as soon as you can. She really wants to know his name.”

  “I will, after you all leave.”

  “I also called Rachel because I remembered you were due in court today. She said to give you a big hug, and that she would make some calls for you.”

  “You’re the best; thank you so much.”

  “When can you take him home?” Sydney asked me.

  “In a week or so.”

  “We can’t wait to meet him,” she said.

  “You’re allowed to see him, but you have to be accompanied by Tyler or me.”

  “No, no, no, you rest; we’ll see him soon enough.”

  Tyler showed them the pictures on his phone, and they cooed with joy. After Sydney and Grace had left, I asked Tyler to hand me his phone so that I could call my mother.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Hi, honey, I’
ve been waiting for your call. How are you? How is the baby?”

  “He’s perfect, Mom; his name is Connor Samuel Reed, and he’s the most beautiful little boy I’ve ever seen.” My mom was unaware of Tyler’s infidelity. I hadn’t had the heart to tell her, and had decided to keep her in the dark until I’d made my final decision.

  She gasped. “Connor is the most wonderful name in the world. I’m so proud of you.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll have Tyler e-mail you some pictures, and you can have Vivian help you download them on your computer.”

  “Oh, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that.”

  “Just let Vivian do it for you. I’ll call her and let her know, okay? You don’t have to do a thing.”

  “When will I be able to see the pictures?”

  “As soon as you check your e-mail. They should be right in the e-mail message and if you need help, we’ll get you some.”

  “All right. I’m so excited to see him.”

  “He came a few weeks early, and he’s in the infant intensive care unit, so don’t be alarmed by all of the tubes on him. He just needs a little extra help for about a week, but he’s going to be fine.”

  “He’s in good hands,” she said.

  “Yes, he is. I love you, Mom. I’ll call you later.” I handed Tyler’s phone back to him.

  He placed it in his pocket and grabbed his jacket off the back of a chair. “I’m going to go over to the house and have the door fixed. What can I bring you?”

  I hated relying on him, but was very grateful he was being attentive. “If you could grab my phone, my phone charger, and the suitcase next to the closet. I had packed up some hospital stuff a couple weeks ago. Oh, and my laptop; it’s in the kitchen.”

  He nodded. “Do you want a sandwich or something?”

  “Sure, whatever’s easiest.”

  After Tyler left, I slept. The nurses came in to check my vitals periodically, but I was mostly alone until Tyler returned with my things.

  “My mom sends her love,” he said as he placed my belongings on the table next to me. I smiled and thanked him.

  Just then a nurse walked in with two dozen yellow roses in a rectangular glass vase. Tyler took them from her, set them on the windowsill, and handed me the card, which I read to myself.

  A mother like no other. Love, Cam.

  I smiled. Rachel must have called him.

  Tyler was staring at me, wondering who had sent them.

  “They’re from Cam,” I said. Tyler’s eyes narrowed, but he made no comment.

  Tyler came every day and spent several hours with Connor and me. As comforting as it was, pretending to play happy family and acting as though we belonged in a Norman Rockwell painting was a little awkward. But I was physically weak and my hormones had reached new heights, leaving me little energy to consider doing anything other than play along.

  I was discharged five days later. Connor would be there another week before getting the green light.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  Tyler and I picked our son up from the hospital two weeks before he was even supposed to be born. His nanny, Felicia, started as soon as he came home, allowing me some extra time to recover. Tyler came by after work every few days, bringing dinner and any other things I needed from the store. It wasn’t meant to be a long-term solution, but I couldn’t think beyond the day to day at that time. One night during Connor’s second week home, Tyler was accompanied by his mother and his siblings.

  Dixie gasped with delight as she leaned over the crib. “He is precious. Just precious,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “We’re going to need to schedule his baptism as soon as possible. I’ll call my parish in the morning.”

  “That’s not necessary. I’ll take care of it,” I said.

  “You’re going to call the parish?”

  “I’m not going to use your parish. We’re going to have him baptized at Saint Francis.”

  Dixie studied my face and made no further comment. I diverted the focus back to Connor. “Who wants to hold him?”

  Sammy and Sarah deferred to their mother, so I lifted my sleeping baby out of the crib and handed him to Dixie. She sat in the rocker and sang to him for about three minutes until he woke up screaming. It was mostly a drama-free visit because my mother-in-law kept her attention on the baby—and off my shortcomings. Once everyone left, I gave Connor a bath, fed him, and rocked him back to sleep.

  Tyler was waiting for me in the kitchen when I came downstairs, so I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and joined him at the breakfast table. Empty bottles were drying on a rack next to the sink, and there were three cases of formula on the island along with other groceries that needed to be put away. There was so much to do, but I could tell he needed to get something off his chest.

  “Do you want something to drink?” I offered.

  “No, thanks.”

  “I can make some coffee if you want.”

  “I’m good,” he said. “Is Connor asleep?”

  I nodded.

  “We need to talk,” he said.

  I nodded again.

  Tyler placed his hands on the table, and we sat in silence for a couple of minutes.

  “I guess I should start,” he said and released a deep breath through his nose. “First and foremost, I don’t know if an apology is even the right thing to do again at this point, or if it would help repair what I’ve done to us, but I am sorry for putting us both through all this pain. More than I can express.”

  “Try,” I said.

  “I know I screwed up bad. Looking back, I…I really don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I wasn’t thinking. I’ve been losing sleep for weeks trying to figure out a way to explain myself to you and explain why I did what I did, but it all sounds so meaningless. I guess I was frustrated with everything that was going on with the IVF, and you were always angry with me about something. I thought once you got pregnant, you’d be happy and things would get better, but it only got worse.”

  I leaned back and crossed my arms. “Please don’t put this on me. When the going got tough, you bailed. Own up to it. Don’t act like my behavior was the reason for this. I may not be perfect, but I loved you like no one else, and I have never failed you in hard times. You don’t get to shirk your responsibilities here. If you behaved like a pathetic, spineless, uncaring fool—even for a moment—then have the decency to acknowledge that. Don’t act like I should feel sorry for what you were going through.”

  “I’m not blaming you or asking you to sympathize with me.”

  “That’s sure what it sounds like.”

  “Jesus, I’m trying to give you some indication why I might have done what I did. Isn’t that what you’ve been asking me for? I don’t have an explanation, and even if I did, there’s no excuse. That being said, I love you, and I want to make this marriage work. I know I fucked up, but I also know that if you can forgive me, we can get through this together. It’s the best thing for Connor, you know it is.”

  Tears sprang to my eyes at the mention of Connor’s name. My poor sweet little guy, swaddled away in his bedroom, had never asked for this. He deserved to grow up in a house with two loving parents and a swing set in the yard. That had been my plan for him, and now I was going to have to explain how everything went wrong.

  “I’m so sorry,” Tyler said again when he saw my face.

  I took a deep breath. I had so many questions, like how could he have done this? Why did he let it go on for so long? He said he never meant to hurt me, but did he think of my feelings at all during that time? Was he ever in love with that woman? But in that moment I realized there was nothing Tyler could say that was going to make it better. He’d broken my trust and my heart in one fell swoop. What words could he possibly muster to make things better?

  “It’s easy for you to bring Connor into this now, but you should’ve been thinking of him all along, and you weren’t. Even if I wanted to, I’m not sure I know how to forgive you or how t
o move on. I can’t imagine ever forgetting those texts she sent you or erasing the image in my head of you touching another woman.”

  Tyler ran his hands through his hair. “Don’t say that. I know we can get past this. I have no interest in being with anyone but you. Ever. This whole fucked up mistake shouldn’t be the reason for us to get divorced. She meant nothing to me. I was an idiot. I love you and Connor so much. Please let me make this up to both of you.”

  I began to cry. He’d said the same things so many times that they were just words at that point, devoid of any meaning. “I love you, too, Tyler, you know that. You’ve always known that, but I just don’t think I can get past it. Not now anyway. I need more time, and I need to be left alone.”

  “What about the baby?”

  “I’m not saying you can’t see the baby, but you just coming and going as you please and trying to play house isn’t working for me. It’s too much. I’m not ready.”

  Tyler stood. He was frustrated, and I couldn’t blame him, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry for him. I didn’t trust him anymore. How could I crawl into bed with him and give myself fully again to someone I didn’t trust?

  The next morning when Felicia arrived, I went to Target to pick up some diapers and pajamas for Connor. I skipped through the aisles and headed straight for the baby section. I slowly pushed the cart past rows of bath toys, stuffed animals, onesies, lotions, tearless shampoo, burp cloths, and more. It was heaven to me. I’d tried to join the Mommy Club for so long, and now I was in. I could now be part of conversations about sleepless nights, pee-stained blouses, and fussy eaters. Other mothers could look to me for my infinite wisdom on soy-based formulas and a cure for cradle cap.

  Wasn’t that all I had ever wanted? To have a child of my own. Maybe it was too much to ask to be in love as well.

  I glanced around and saw only four other women in the baby aisles. None of them had their husbands with them, but it was nine o’clock on a Tuesday morning. I filled my cart with more than I needed, headed home, and decided to call Cam.

  “Hey you,” I said when he answered. It’d been the first time I’d talked to him since my life had been turned upside down by Connor’s unexpected arrival.