by Mona Shroff
Fury infiltrated every cell in his body as he listened to Annika’s story. “That bastard spit on you?” He stood, barely even aware that he left his patient’s side, his fists clenched. He knew he should’ve chased the bastard down.
Annika turned to him, an angry storm ready to erupt from her eyes, and nodded.
“You should’ve let me—”
“I needed you here!” She pointed her finger down at her brother, shutting Daniel down with the ferocity of her hardened eyes. “Not off somewhere playing hero.” She was shaking, and her rapid breaths fogged the cold air around her.
“Officer, can you take her inside?” Daniel didn’t take his eyes off her. “It’s freezing out here.”
“I’m not going anywhere!” she growled.
The ambulance finally pulled up with a squeak and burp, and Daniel ran to it, almost colliding head-on with the EMT.
“Andy. I need your steth.”
It was a mark of respect for Daniel that Andy handed over his stethoscope and nodded to his new partner to keep the engine running. “What’s going on? Why is your arm bleeding?” Andy grabbed some gauze and followed Daniel.
Daniel managed normal language and turned his focus to his patient as Andy pressed the gauze to his arm. “Annika’s brother, the kid—some asshole hit him in the chest. Brass knuckles. Kid’s having trouble breathing. Leg’s at a weird angle.” He pressed the gauze to his skin and ignored the sharp sting. “I need to listen.”
Daniel put on the steth and listened to Nilay’s lungs with a calm he hardly felt, while Andy and his partner took vitals and assessed Nilay’s broken leg.
Daniel’s heart sank. Low breath sounds. “Tension pneumo. He looks blue.” Daniel closed his eyes and focused. “I need to relieve that pressure now.” He looked at Andy. “Got an eighteen-gauge in there?”
Andy stared Daniel down. “You don’t know it’s a tension pneumo.”
“Yes, I do. He’s gasping, turning blue—you have one in there or not? There’s no time.”
Andy’s radio squawked. “Let’s just get him in the bus. And to the ER.”
“There’s no time. Give me the needle, and we’ll go.” His fury seethed just below the surface, his words sharper than they needed to be.
“This your girlfriend’s little brother?”
“Yes!” Daniel was nearly screaming now. He needed that needle. Now. “Goddamn it, Andy. I’m right. You know I am.”
Andy hesitated, looking from Daniel to the weakening Nilay. “You better be right.” He shoved his bag at Daniel while he and his partner finished the splint on Nilay’s leg.
Daniel prepped the area, then readied the needle. Nilay’s breath came out in small puffs. “This may hurt a bit, but I have to relieve the pressure, okay?”
He inserted it between Nilay’s first two ribs, and the boy grimaced, trying—and failing—to stifle a groan. Within seconds, Nilay’s breath came easier. Daniel secured the needle and called out to Andy. “We’re good here. Let’s load him up.”
Andy nodded, and Daniel climbed onto the ambulance with Annika at his side. Andy glanced from one to the other. Neither showed signs of moving. He shook his head and banged on the window to the front.
“Let’s go.”
The siren wailed as the ambulance took off, Daniel and Andy watching closely over Nilay on the short trip. Andy grabbed Daniel’s arm and removed the gauze. Daniel met Annika’s eyes. “You might want to call your parents.”
Andy assessed Daniel’s wound. “Relatively superficial laceration. Not too bad, but deep enough for stitches. Should be fine. What happened?” He wrapped it in fresh gauze.
Annika relayed the story as Daniel simmered with anger. He was intimately familiar with a complete stranger harming someone he loved. Andy, too, looked about ready to punch someone.
“Did I get him?” asked Nilay, his voice a weak garble.
“No, Nilay. You did not.” Annika was in his face. “He got you instead. How many times have I told you—fists are not the way. But no, do you listen...?”
“Couldn’t let him get away with...”
“Yeah? Well, he got away—and he hurt you in the process.” Annika’s voice broke. Daniel put his good arm around her and held her close. She was shaking with fury.
“You gave him hell, kid.”
Annika glared at Daniel, but before she could speak, the ambulance had arrived at the ER. Nilay was taken directly up to pulmonary for surgery. Daniel and Annika followed.
They waited in silence for the elevator, Annika fuming. Once the elevator doors had closed and they were alone, she snapped at him. “Do not encourage this behavior!”
“He was trying to protect you, teach that asshole a lesson. I can’t fault him for that,” he snapped back.
“I was fine. And that asshole was taught nothing. You can’t change people’s minds with violence.” She paused, her nostrils flaring. “If you hadn’t been right there...” Her voice broke again.
“He’s going to be fine. He has to be,” Daniel said, reaching for her and folding her into his arms. The elevator doors opened.
She nodded and led the way to the waiting room, where Annika’s parents were just arriving, as well. Annika filled her parents in on what had happened.
“Who is the surgeon?” asked her father.
“I am.” They all turned to find Sajan standing in the door. “He’ll need a thoracostomy, but there’s a chance of pulmonary contusion, which may not show itself for twenty-four hours or more.” He glanced at them, finally nodding to Daniel. “Excellent work in the field. I’ll let you know when I have something.”
* * *
DANIEL SAT ACROSS from Annika and her parents, inhaling deeply to calm his nerves. Annika was right, violence was not the way, but if he had been in Nilay’s place, he would have reacted with his fists first, as well. It would have been satisfying to land a punch on at least one deserving asshole. He had no way to avenge Sara, but punching this guy would’ve felt good. He flexed his fingers, the ache from the knife wound filtering up his arm. Damn it.
He found himself fixated on the way Annika’s parents clung to each other, alternately reassuring each other and worrying aloud. He read the concern and panic in their eyes, the feelings they couldn’t mask even if they had tried. The “what if” hung heavy and unsaid in the air.
The professional in him knew that Sajan was the best. He also knew that he himself had done everything in his power to get Nilay to the hospital ASAP. The professional in him knew that Nilay would be fine. He also knew that pulmonary contusion was likely and dangerous.
His heart rate quickened as he mentally listed all the other things that could be going on. Worry and pain colored Anil-uncle’s face; the same parental tug pulled at Daniel, as well.
He and Sheila had sat just like Annika’s parents that day in the ER. They didn’t go to a waiting room; they had just taken one of the bays. Someone had brought them coffee, and Daniel couldn’t imagine anything more mundane than coffee when waiting to hear if his baby girl had been shot to death.
What if Nilay wasn’t fine? Sajan might be the best, but things went wrong all the time. Daniel’s stomach churned. His breathing became uneven as he continued to count the ways in which things could go wrong. The ways in which he could have improved his care of Nilay before he even got to the hospital.
He stood and paced. What was he thinking? He should calm down. Nilay wasn’t even his son. If something happened to Nilay, his family would never be the same. He froze midstep as a realization hit him. If something happened to Nilay, Daniel would never be the same. He tried to focus on the facts. Wave after wave of nausea churned his stomach.
He couldn’t lose Nilay. He couldn’t lose another child.
His hands shook. They had been rock steady when he was inserting that needle, but now... Now he couldn’t make them stop shaki
ng. Even fisted, they trembled. How could he possibly love another child and go through this again and again? He couldn’t. Plain and simple. The not knowing, the wondering, and then, when the answer came down, the pure agony of having your heart ripped out whole.
No.
Annika’s father paced the room, his brown skin ashen, his lips moving but no sound coming out. This was his son, and he was powerless. This man, who’d had the courage to leave one country in search of a better life, was now at the mercy of the skill of surgeons and the ability of the body to heal. He would be forced to accept and move on with whatever happened here tonight.
Annika held her mother while the older woman sat, her hands clasped in her lap, something between worry and terror in her eyes. There were no tears, just frowns of doubt, glimmers of hope, and that belly-sinking feeling that the worst might actually occur.
Daniel was overcome with helplessness and his gut wrenched, just as it had that day he’d sat in the ER bay with Sheila. Waiting. Powerless. Waiting to hear what he had already known was true. He shook his head, told himself that this was Nilay, not Sara, but it made no difference to his heart.
He willed himself to go and comfort Annika, to talk to her father. To at least go get them some coffee, mundane though that may be. But he was frozen to his spot. Almost paralyzed by the fear of losing Nilay. Nothing he did would be enough. It was all futile. What would happen would happen.
Suddenly it was clear. Daniel knew what he had to do. He met Annika’s eye.
“Daniel.” Annika came to his side, wrapping her arm in his so their bodies touched. “If it hadn’t been for your quick thinking, we wouldn’t have the hope we have now.”
He wanted nothing more than to sink into her touch, but all he could think about were all the ways that Nilay could die. All the ways that things could go wrong. All the ways his heart would shatter again.
He faced Annika. This woman whom he loved with every cell in his body. Of this there was no doubt. But he was not what was best for her. Not by a long shot.
“Daniel? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His decision must have shown on his face, because concern replaced the relief in her voice.
Mr. Mehta slowed his pace and went to sit by his wife once more. He held her hand and forced a smile onto his face. She leaned against his shoulder.
Daniel took Annika and walked a short distance away from them. “Look at me.” Brown eyes flecked with worry. He should be helping her get through this. She was brave enough to be with him when her family didn’t approve. He should be telling her that everything would be okay.
Annika shouldn’t be worried about him; she should be thinking about her brother and parents.
He tried to take her hands in his, but they shook uncontrollably. Instead, Annika covered his hands with hers, holding them steady. “It’s okay, Daniel. Everything will be fine.”
His heart raced and his stomach twisted with dread. She deserved far better than what he could offer. She needed what her parents had. She needed someone strong enough to lean on. He broke free of her hands and ran a shaky hand through his hair.
“What’s going on?”
He shook his head, returning his gaze to her parents. “I can’t do this.”
She furrowed her brow. “Do what?”
He turned his full attention to her, aware that he might have a crazed look in his eye. “This.” He motioned between the two of them. “I haven’t been honest with you.” He paused and then blurted everything out. “After Sara, I had decided that I would never be a father again. I even tried to get a vasectomy, but I was so young that the surgeon advised against it. But I knew I could never be a father again. Ever. I can’t even be godfather to Sheila’s baby, for God’s sake.”
Annika opened her mouth to say something, but he took her face in his hand and rested a thumb on her lips. One last time. “When I met you—when I fell in love with you, I thought I could. I wanted to be able to. It was the first time I wanted my own family again—because I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
Still can’t.
“I told myself that I was different now, time had passed, surely I was stronger...and that I could be a father if I had you by my side. But I don’t have it in me.” He glanced at her parents. “Look at them. It’s agony.”
He felt her swallow hard; her nostrils flared. She gasped as if she’d been punched in the gut. “You’re breaking up with me.”
“I love you. You make my heart race, you make me laugh, you have given me a taste of happiness, which is something I never thought I would know again. I’ve never loved anyone like this. And I am certain I never will again.”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out what looked like a broken hospital band and held it out to him. He took it. “That’s my band, from the night I lost my baby. From the night Steven left me.” She lifted her chin and captured him in her gaze.
Daniel looked at the band; the lettering was faded, but it was definitely an ER band from his ER. He remembered seeing the tiny one on Sara’s wrist. Where was it? Had they saved it? Did people do that? Should he have saved it?
“But it’s a reminder of the worst time in your life.”
She nodded. “It’s also a reminder of what I survived.”
The lettering blurred before his eyes. “You’ll make a fabulous mother one day. But I...won’t survive another... I’ve barely survived losing... I can’t be anyone’s father ever again, because I can’t do this—” he looked at her parents “—ever again.” His eyes were wet, and it was difficult getting air into his lungs, but this was the right thing. It had to be.
Annika’s skin had gone ashen and tears filled her eyes. Tears that he put there. Better a few tears now than an ocean later.
He let go of her sharply, as if she had scorched him, and stepped back. He needed to stop touching her. “I’m not the man for you. You deserve much more than...me.”
The door to the waiting area opened, and Sajan entered. Daniel’s heart fell into his stomach as the surgeon approached.
“He’s fine.” Sajan addressed Annika’s parents. “His lungs will take a few weeks to heal, but we’ll be monitoring him closely.”
Annika’s parents slumped against each other in relief, both of them tearing up. “Thank you, Sajan!” her father croaked out. “I knew he would be okay under your care. We owe you a debt of gratitude.”
“Actually, Uncle, if it hadn’t been for the quick thinking of his medics—” Sajan nodded in Daniel’s direction “—I wouldn’t have had much to work with.” He smiled at Annika’s father. “I need to get back.”
Daniel turned to find Annika watching him. “See,” she said, relief playing on her face, “he’s fine—and thanks to you.” Her hands shook as she reached for him.
Daniel craved nothing more than to allow her to wrap him in her arms, to believe in the fantasy that he could have a family, that he could have her. But that was exactly what it was. A fantasy. He had to stop lying to her. And to himself. He stepped out of her reach, because if she touched him now, he would cave. He would give in to his stupid heart and try to live the fantasy.
“No, Annika, don’t. I’m not the one for you.”
Panic rippled through him at the finality of losing his best source of comfort, of not having Annika by his side. He steeled himself, fought the lump that poked at the back of his throat. “Naya’s right. Sajan can make you happy. Give you the life you deserve. I can’t.” He stepped farther back from her, lest he be tempted to touch her again.
“Daniel, you can get help. You only need to ask.” She was pleading with him now.
He couldn’t allow her to do that. He wasn’t worth it.
He shook his head at her. “There’s no help for me.”
“Are you serious?” She narrowed her eyes and threw her next words at him in a low growl. “You’re going to break up with me. In
the—” her breath hitched “—hospital?”
The implication was clear. He was no better than Steven. Let her be angry. Anger was easier to deal with.
He spun around and walked toward the elevators, resisting the temptation to look back at her. If he looked, he’d take it all back and ask her to marry him.
That was lost to him now. Forever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
ANNIKA
ANNIKA SHUFFLED PAPERS, finished her lesson plans and put them into her bag. She threw in her sneakers for her shift at the bar. She’d just eat something at the bar today. Mrs. P. was on a mission to get Annika to eat more, but she simply hadn’t had much of an appetite since that day in the hospital. Since Daniel left her.
She glanced at her reflection in the mirror by the door and pulled out some lipstick. Dark circles under her eyes advertised her lack of sleep. She applied the lipstick, vowing to stop being such a cliché and eat to Mrs. P.’s satisfaction whether she felt like it or not. Not eating and not sleeping were not going to convince Daniel that he’d made a mistake. No one could do that except Daniel himself.
Why she couldn’t fall for normal, stable people was beyond her. The emptiness in her heart and gut were proof of her misguided feelings and had, many times during the past week, threatened to overcome her. But she had a class to teach, lesson plans to write, not to mention her parents were staying with her so they could be closer to the hospital. Whenever she had a minute, she went to see her brother.
She didn’t have time to grieve over the fact that she thought she’d found her one true love but he turned out to be just another man who’d left her at the moment she needed him most. That he was lost in his own grief. That he wasn’t hers anymore. The familiar burn prickled her eyes and nose. She closed her eyes and fought it back.
Daniel was just another failed relationship. Just another boyfriend. Just another someone she’d fallen for who’d decided she wasn’t enough. She made poor decisions when it came to love, and it was time she listened to the people who really did love her. Her parents. Naya. Maybe she’d call Sajan in a week or two. She just couldn’t handle anything right now.
