Katie's Journey to Love

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Katie knew she was staring, but she’d never heard such words before. And from an Amish boy at that.

  Ben’s horse trotted through the night, his metal shoes striking the pavement in steady beats.

  “That’s why I named my horse Longstreet,” Ben continued. “No one has ever asked me where I got the name. Besides, most of our people aren’t familiar with Gettysburg or the other battles of the Civil War.”

  “You’re not planning to join the Englisha wars, are you?” Katie asked, bolting upright.

  Ben laughed softly. “Nee, Katie. You can quit worrying. I do sometimes think about where I fit—or don’t fit—in the Amish community. And sometimes I wonder what our cause is all about.”

  “You mean our faith?” Katie asked.

  Ben nodded slowly. “You could put it that way, I guess. Have you never wondered about such things? Whether life is worth living as we do? All this sacrifice—driving buggies, having no electricity in our homes, giving up many pleasures, watching others enjoy the freedom of using technology—is it really worth it, Katie?”

  “I’ve never thought of such things,” Katie said. “Where does that put you when it comes to our Amish faith?” If he was considering leaving the community or questioning faith in Da Hah, Katie knew her heart was going to hurt more than it ever had in all her life. It would probably never stop hurting. For the first time she considered her limits. If Ben left, could she leave for the Englisha world with him? Maybe Mamm had been right all along. If Ben was thinking of joining the Englisha world, that would be a problem. Visiting the Mennonite youth gatherings was already a big deal for her. Leaving the faith for the Englisha world was out of the question.

  Ben must have sensed her thoughts because his voice was sympathetic. “I’m sorry for spilling so much on you—and so suddenly. Don’t take me too seriously, Katie. I’m not leaving the faith. It just feels gut, I guess, to speak of the questions in my heart. To say out loud what I’ve been pondering. Around the house, I don’t dare say anything. Mamm and Daett would be shocked beyond belief. I just like to think about things, you know.”

  And you think I’m not shocked? Katie wanted to ask.

  Ben continued. “I’m half tempted to take a trip to Europe myself. Not with you girls, of course, but on my own. I could travel around and find out whether our faith is all it’s made out to be and why our sacrifices are so important.”

  “I think you should,” Katie said.

  Ben smiled. “I doubt if visiting the Old Country would do much good. I need to work these thoughts through on my own. I do thank you for listening. You don’t know how much it means to me to be free to express my thoughts. Especially since it must be quite a surprise to hear these things spoken.”

  She’d better say something quickly, Katie thought. But what?

  Ben didn’t seem bothered by her silence. He continued. “Amish women seem to always be the last to think such thoughts. I’ve often wondered why that’s so. Why are men the wild ones? Why do we think all the troubling thoughts while you women calmly keep the home going, the children in clothing, seeming content to love and be loved. Men make the trouble. In the Englisha world, they are the ones who fight the wars and stir things up. But even we Amish men do some of that. It’s like it’s in our blood, and we can’t do much about it.”

  “I’ve never thought such things or heard about them,” Katie said. “I’m glad you feel free to tell me about your thoughts. I do consider that an honor.”

  Ben looked surprised when Katie slipped her arm through his and leaned her head against his shoulder. She’d been wanting to do this all evening but hadn’t dared. Now she had dared at this strangest of moments. Ben had just finished telling her about his doubts and his wandering thoughts. He probably expected her to run into the house screaming when he dropped her off. And that was the weirdest part of this. To Katie, Ben seemed quite lovable right now. Like he needed her like she needed him. Ben had shared things he’d never told anyone else. Wasn’t that reason enough to lean on his shoulder?

  Ben’s arm tightened on hers. “Thanks again for listening, Katie.”

  Katie looked up at him. “Why not make that trip to Europe soon? I think it might answer a lot of questions for you.”

  Ben laughed. “It is an interesting idea. But you’re the one with the invitation. You should go.”

  “You’re forgetting I don’t have any money.”

  “I haven’t forgotten.” Ben pulled back on the reins to slow Longstreet as they approached Jesse’s place. “I think Da Hah will supply what you need.”

  Katie snuggled against Ben’s shoulder and said nothing. There really was nothing to say. It felt gut that Ben thought Da Hah would supply the money. It probably wouldn’t happen, but it was nice Ben was being so supportive and wasn’t shocked at the thought.

  Just before Ben turned into Jesse’s driveway, and out of the corner of her eye, Katie caught a glimpse of a buggy tied up in the trees. It blended in so well, that if she hadn’t been certain Mose and Mabel were seeing each other she might have written it off as her imagination. Katie kept her gasp as silent as possible.

  Ben turned into the driveway, drove to the house, and stopped. “Can we do this again sometime?” he asked, his voice tender. “And soon, I hope?”

  Katie was surprised and pleased that there was a question in his voice, even after all the things he’d told her tonight. She must have spoken the right words of comfort and support. But she couldn’t have done anything else. The words had been on her heart and had sprung easily to her lips. She slipped her arm out of his. His very presence enveloped her like a comfortable quilt. “If you wish,” Katie responded softly.

  Ben smiled. “Absolutely! I’ll see you next week then—or whenever the next gathering is. We’ll figure it out soon, okay?”

  “Yah, Ben. Gut night then.” Katie gave him one last smile before stepping down from the buggy and walking to the house.

  “Gut night!” he called after her before driving off into the night.

  Katie stopped, turned around, and watched his buggy leave. Ben hadn’t asked to kiss her tonight, but it was way too early for that, really. Even with how much she wanted him to. But what a wunderbah evening! It was exactly what she’d always hoped for.

  Chapter Twenty

  Katie paused on the porch to look back toward the road. Ben’s buggy lights had long disappeared from sight, but the sense of his presence still lingered in the night air. Katie sighed. She was reaching for the doorknob when she caught sight of a flicker of light in the barn. It lingered only a second before vanishing. Was it the lantern light reflecting off a piece of metal? Had it caught her eye because she was so wrapped up in the sweet memories of her evening with Ben? Nee, she’d definitely seen something even if it hadn’t lasted long. Mabel. That was the only answer. Since she’d noticed the buggy parked among the trees, Mabel must be in the barn with Mose. Had they grown so careless that they didn’t handle their flashlights with care?

  What should she do? Katie wondered. Should she tell Mamm? Mamm would surely tell Jesse. It wouldn’t be right to tattle on any of Jesse’s children—even Mabel. Besides, such transgressions as Mabel’s were always found out eventually. It was only a matter of time. She could speak with Mabel tomorrow, but there would likely be a furious denial. And she’d already told Mabel she wouldn’t tell, and that she’d let Mabel mess up her life all she wanted. But really that wasn’t right either. She’d confront Mabel, Katie decided. That was the thing to do. Maybe she could talk some sense into the girl’s head. Katie walked across the yard and pushed the barn door open. The hinges squeaked loudly in the still night. Mabel obviously didn’t enter the barn this way.

  “Mabel!” Katie called into the darkness. “I know you’re here, so you’d better come out and speak with me.” She wanted to sound a bit threatening, as if she planned to disclose Mabel’s actions to her daett if the girl didn’t come out right away. Perhaps Mabel would decide it was best to face the problem rath
er than continue skulking around.

  Silence filled the barn. Katie left the barn door open and moved further inside. The faint light from outside only extended a short distance, and Katie paused where its reach ended. If she were in the old barn at the home place, she could find her way around by the feel of her hands. And Molly and Bossy wouldn’t have been startled by her presence. But here she wasn’t about to wander around without a light. She didn’t want to use one of the barn lanterns. Leroy or Willis, supposedly asleep in their beds in the house, might wake up enough to notice a light. And maybe Jesse too. Farmers were that way. They slept like logs until the slightest change happened on the farm. Then they awoke with a start. In fact, someone in the house might already be stirring. After all, Ben’s buggy on the drive hadn’t been very quiet. Katie went back to the barn door for a quick look at the house. She saw no signs of movement.

  “Mabel!” Katie called again, more urgently this time. With a sigh, Katie was turning to leave when a brief rustling sound came from the back of the barn. It was followed by the sound of a door swinging open and shut, soon followed by another door opening—the back barn door. So she’d been right. Mabel was meeting Mose. And if her guess was right, Mose had just taken off. Perhaps Mabel would show her face now. Katie waited and a few seconds later another door squeak was followed by a quick whisper. “Over here, Katie. Quick.”

  Holding her hands out in front of her, Katie moved toward the spot where the sound had probably come from. Nothing brushed against her fingers, and her feet stayed on level ground. The cow stanchions would be over somewhere to the right, but she had no sure way of knowing exactly where she was. Knocking her shins against the low metal bars wasn’t something she wanted to do. Katie was ready to call out again, when a sliver of light appeared ahead of her.

  “This way!” Mabel hissed. “I’m inside the feed bin area.”

  Katie took the last few steps toward the light and slipped through the door. Mabel quickly shut it behind her. On the floor sat a kerosene lamp turned on low. Mabel must have brought it from the house. She would hardly dare hide it out here lest her father and brothers stumble across it.

  “So this is where you’ve been meeting him?” Katie faced Mabel.

  Mabel’s eyes blazed. “How dare you stick your nose into my business! Especially after you’ve been out cavorting with that Ben Stoll all evening.”

  Katie cringed, but a reply still slipped out of her. “Your daett forbade you from seeing Mose. He didn’t forbid me from seeing Ben.”

  Mabel glared at Katie and stepped closer. “That’s because your mamm has wrapped Daett around her little finger and driven him away from me. Daett didn’t used to be like this at all. Not before your mamm came around. We all got along just fine, and I ran the household with only Carolyn’s help. We were doing great. Daett told us so all the time. And we would have done even better if Daett had married Ruth Troyer.”

  Katie sighed. “I don’t think there’s much use talking about this, Mabel. It’s not going to change anything. Your daett married my mamm because he wanted to.”

  “And with your approval.” Mabel’s eyes blazed.

  “Yah. But what difference does that now make? The question is, why are you meeting Mose out here against your daett’s express orders? You know that’s not going to work.”

  “Why don’t you leave us alone?” Mabel huffed. “We’re not doing anything wrong. Just go inside the house and mind your own business!”

  Katie looked around the small feed room. There was nothing here but feed bags stacked on the concrete floor, two of which had obviously been used as chairs from the looks of the indentations. They likely had been doing nothing worse than kissing, but that wasn’t the point. Jesse would consider disobedience to his orders transgression enough.

  “My daett need never know this.” Mabel’s hand swept across her brow. “That is, if you don’t go telling him.”

  “Such things always come out, Mabel. You can’t hide them for long.”

  “How do you know?” Mabel shot back. “Aren’t you hiding things in your life?”

  Katie shook her head. “No, Mabel, I’m not. Sure, I’m doing things you don’t approve of…and even Mamm and your daett don’t approve, but I’m not sneaking around.”

  Mabel snorted. “I don’t believe you. No one is such a little saint. Not if she runs around with Mennonites.”

  Katie shrugged. “I guess you need to decide that for yourself. But you’ll have to stop meeting Mose.”

  “And what plan do you have to stop me?” Mabel said, her eyes narrowed. “Tell Daett? Is that it? Or worse, your mamm so she can tell my daett?”

  Katie thought for a moment before answering. “No, like I’ve said before, I’m not going to do either of those things. I’m just warning you that eventually you’ll get caught. I was hoping you’d listen to reason because it’s not gut what you’re doing, and I think you know it. These things always come out in the end.”

  Relief spread over Mabel’s face. “Gut! Thank you for not telling…if you really mean it. Apparently you have some morals left.”

  There was no sense in pushing the matter further. Katie had done her part, and Mabel was determined to find her own way. Katie had one more thing to say though. Maybe this was the time. “Mabel, could we…perhaps…choose to live peacefully together in the same house without all the fuss all the time?”

  Mabel didn’t think long on that question. “If you mind your own business about my meeting with Mose, then of course. I’ll try to be nicer.”

  “Gut. I’m glad to hear that,” Katie said.

  Mabel nodded. “Just remember your end of the bargain and there won’t be any problem. Now, let’s go inside before someone sees us.”

  That sentiment had come a little late in the evening, Katie thought, but she nodded in agreement. Mabel blew out the kerosene lamp and carried it with her in one hand. With the other, she led Katie out to where the starlight reached inside from the open barn door in the back. Then they walked toward the house together.

  Mabel whispered once they were outside, “Go in the front door, while I sneak in through the washroom door. You can create some cover noise for me if someone is listening. They’re expecting you to be coming in.”

  Katie walked across the yard toward the porch, and Mabel disappeared into the shadows of the house near the washroom door. By the time Katie got inside, Mabel would already be well upstairs. Katie took a moment longer than necessary before she opened the front door. There was no sign of Mabel when she stepped inside. The girl must be an expert at moving through the house without a sound. But then Mabel had grown up here. She would know her way around.

  Before Katie opened the stair door, a floorboard squeaked from the direction of Jesse’s bedroom, and Mamm’s form appeared in her nightgown. “Is it you, Katie? I thought I heard a buggy drive in some time ago.”

  Katie’s thoughts swirled before she whispered, “Ben dropped me off a little bit ago, but I didn’t come in.” She couldn’t lie, and yet she didn’t want to reveal Mabel’s secret either.

  Mamm didn’t say anything for a moment. Finally she asked, “How did the evening go with Ben?”

  “Gut!” Katie replied.

  Mamm’s face looked pale in the starlight coming through the window. “I hope it works out well for you, Katie. I hope I’ve been wrong.”

  “Thank you,” Katie said quietly. She knew those words must be hard for Mamm to say, and yet she was saying them.

  “One more thing,” Mamm said after a moment’s hesitation. “I think you should stay away from the barn when you come home, Katie. Remember, you can only be responsible for so much.”

  Katie stood speechless as Mamm turned and disappeared down the hallway. A floorboard gave a loud squeak before the bedroom door closed. Astonishment flooded Katie’s mind. So Mamm knew about Mabel, about what she was doing. Yet she wasn’t telling Jesse. And Mamm obviously didn’t want her telling either. How sweet of Mamm, Katie thought as she fo
und her way up the stairs. If Mabel only knew how fortunate she was, perhaps she would be more thankful. And, really, this was a huge change for Mamm. Not that long ago she had been so determined to keep other people out of their lives. Now Mamm had opened her heart to a man and five children who were not her own. Even unlovable Mabel.

  What lessons she could learn from Mamm, Katie decided. Mamm loves me, and I haven’t been that lovable lately. Katie opened her bedroom door. Could she do what Mamm had done tonight—be nice to her daughter who did things she disapproved of? And in Ben’s case, Mamm disapproved sharply. Yet she’d found a way to keep on loving.

  Katie found the side of the bed with her hands and knelt to whisper a prayer as she faced the star-filled window. “O dear Hah, thank You so much for all the gut things You are sending into my life. Mamm didn’t have to marry Jesse, and You didn’t have to give her love again. And You didn’t have to give me such a wunderbah evening tonight with Ben. I know there will likely be much trouble ahead because that’s how You help us grow, but right now I thank You…so very, very much. Amen.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The following Monday night, Ben parked his buggy in front of the grocery store in Dover. Rogge would have a fit, but Ben figured a little subterfuge was in order. Christmas was only a week away, and downtown was flooded with late-night shoppers. Following the same pattern like they had for the past two years wasn’t wise. What better plan than to transact business out in the open? No one would suspect anything. And if Rogge Brighton didn’t like it, well Ben wanted to quit anyway. This might hasten things along. But he couldn’t just sit here waiting because that would look suspicious. Ben climbed down from the buggy and entered the grocery store. In the snack aisle, he picked up several candy bars and paid for them at the counter. When he was outside, he unwrapped one and took a bite. He sauntered back to his buggy and climbed in. Perhaps this wasn’t wise after all. The time was well past their usual drop-off schedule, and the grocery store would be closing soon. Rogge might not have the brains to figure out he needed to look around for him and make contact in the front parking lot. Ben decided he wasn’t going to give in. If Rogge didn’t come in a few minutes, he would leave. Perhaps that was the best thing anyway. His date with Katie last week had meant more than he expected. Anxiety and guilt were gnawing at him. What if she learned what he’d been doing? She probably wouldn’t ever want to see him again. But she wouldn’t find out because he was quitting, getting out. And what could Rogge really do if he stopped cooperating? Beat him up? They were friends, after all.