Divinely Living (Surviving Series)

by Courtney Cross

  “You have no idea how to handle money or power on the magnitude you now possess,” he growled, “asking my nephew to befriend and guide you was in your best interest Savannah, not mine. With our combined support, we would have ensured your inheritance was safely preserved with only little involvement from yourself, which according to Jonah is exactly what you wanted. It’s also what your mother and Alex would have wanted.”

  Jonah shook his head and exhaled loudly. “She knows everything Benjamin, including the fact that you asked for my help before I even met her. And who knows what her mother or Matthews wanted? That’s certainly not something we ever discussed.”

  “I knew Alex,” Benjamin bit out, “he would have wanted me to make sure all of his assets were taken care of correctly in order for his business to continue to grow and thrive. For God’s sake, I was the one he came to when he decided to leave everything he owned to you Savannah. He asked for my guidance then and I know he would expect me to offer that same guidance to you now.”

  “God, I’m growing so tired of this bullshit,” I threw back my head, my voice almost a cry of frustration. “I don’t care what your fucked up relationship with that man was or wasn’t, it’s not even important now. My private affairs are none of your damn business, Benjamin.”

  “Excluding me is a huge mistake, young lady. I know the shareholders of that company, I know how it ticks, how it works on every level. You will live to regret your decision to dismiss my offer of help so easily.”

  Jonah pushed back in his chair, the scrape of wood on the tiled floor drew attention from other diners. Not wanting to cause a scene out of respect for Giovanni and his hard earned reputation for running a pleasant, tranquil atmosphere, I shook my head and motioned for him to remain in his seat. Shooting Jonah a reassuring glance, he reluctantly stayed put. My eyes moved back to his Uncle.

  “Whatever your reasons were for wanting your hands on Alex’s assets, it’s not happening and that’s all you need to know from here in, Ben. You and I both know, you only want involvement with the business in Chicago because at one time it was plagued with fucked up illegal activity that made all those involved ridiculously wealthy for a while. But I can promise you that shit won’t be happening while I own it. And judging by the clause Alex had written into his will, the will you drafted, it’s mine for a generation of Jacobson’s to come whether I like it or not.”

  The look of adoration Jonah gave me as the significance of my last sentence hit him, made me smile although inside the words felt empty and slipped out more to torment Benjamin then because I meant them. The thought of ever being a mother and having children terrified the shit out of me. Having no parental experience to pull on myself as an example, becoming a parent was not something I ever wanted or believed I would ever be. It may be the natural progression within a marriage to eventually add to your family but I didn’t think myself capable of making that addition. Yet another decision to make when the time came, I silently added to the ever growing list.

  “So, just let me be crystal clear before you leave,” I added, “I don’t give a damn whether you wanted to take everything he owned out of revenge for what Alex did to your brother or because of jealousy. He shit on you, I get that. But get over it Benjamin because that son of a bitch shit on everybody he came into contact with. You’re one of a long line of people he used to get to the top, so just deal with it. We fly out to Chicago tomorrow and starting from Tuesday, Jonah and I will be running that place together. So you and any pathetic lowlifes still involved in the company can just go now, and fuck the hell off. Because if it takes me until my last breath, everyone of Alex’s old crowd will be eradicated with immediate affect. And if anyone wants to challenge me or my ownership then let them bring it the hell on. You don’t scare me Benjamin and neither do they.” I reached across the table and took Jonah’s hand in mine. “My husband is all the protection and guidance I need and personally, I can’t think of anybody more qualified for the job than he is.”

  Pride swelled in Jonah’s chest, I could see it clearly as it expanded simultaneously with the nod of agreement he gave me. My speech sounded brave, courageous even, but inside fear and dread still remained embedded under my skin. I had no idea where the strength to stand my ground appeared from and even less idea that I was capable of doing so. Benjamin’s entire being repulsed me; his similarity to Alex was astounding and undoubtedly the reason why the words I spoke came so easily and without thought. Maybe that’s also the reason why from somewhere way down in the pit of my churning stomach, my own inner strength decided it was time to kick in. For the first time in my life, it was time to stop being the type of woman that men like Benjamin and my step father saw as weak, pathetic and disposable, and became the strong, confident woman my trip to Chicago would need me to be. Tomorrow was going to be a huge turning point in my life. And while my past continued to haunt me and maybe always would, I couldn’t allow my future and the unknown do the same. Changes were needed to shift from surviving to living, and now was the time.

  A frowning Scarlett, carrying our entrees with ease from the kitchen to the side of us, caught my attention. This time when Jonah began to rise from his seat I didn’t stop him. I’d seen and heard enough from Benjamin and told him all he needed to know. As far as he was concerned, the conversation was over and his unwanted presence had been allowed a longer audience than it deserved. Jonah’s defence of me made his loyalty clear and I loved him for it. But in doing so, he was now destined to live like me. Turning his back on the last family member had made him alone. Knowing how lonely and desolate being so could be, I vowed internally to ensure he never regretted his decision to stand by me instead of his Uncle. We would be each other’s family and that’s exactly the way I wanted it.

  As she approached our table, Scarlett’s blue eyes narrowed and her frown deepened. Her gaze burned into a dejected looking Benjamin as she spoke. “Are you okay, Ava? Does Joey need to show this man the door?”

  Jonah shook his head firmly. “It’s fine. He was just leaving.”

  “Do you know what really makes me detest you Benjamin?” I said in a hushed voice. “You asked the only family member you have, to whore himself out for money. You abused his loyalty and his love and in the end you ended up with nothing. Darcy was a low move but nothing compared to using Jonah as you did.”

  Benjamin offered no protest or answer as Jonah nodded towards the door, gesturing from him to leave. He turned towards the entrance with a slight hunch to his shoulders. Rejection was a bitch, a lesson I learned from birth and I could see its affect on anyone from miles away. I just couldn’t determine whether he was suffering because of my rejecting him from having any further dealings where my inheritance was concerned, or if it was because of his nephew who he had raised since a child’s rejection. I hoped it was the latter. At least then I could believe the man possessed a small fragment of the decency that Jonah was filled with.

  Pausing as he passed me, he looked over his shoulder at me, his expression blank. “You really are like your mother, Savannah, in many ways. She possessed good qualities too. From what little I did know of her, she deserved better than Alex. Try not to hate her too much; some of us just don’t know how to live without money. It’s a compulsion embedded within us that drives even the sanest of people to do the most insane things at times. Gina was a prime example of that. Unfortunately, so am I.”

  “I don’t hate her for the lifestyle she chose,” I whispered, my eyes glassing over with tears. “I hate her for leaving me.”

  With a nod of his head and a last look at Jonah, he spoke no more, headed for the door and left.

  “Are you okay, babe?” Scarlett placed our plates on the table and pinned me with a look of sympathy that threatened to have the tears I was fighting back, falling down my face.

  “Are you okay, Ava?” Jonah retook his seat and grasped my hand in his. His eyes were warm, but an unmistakable hint of sadness clung to him that increased the sadness I was becoming
consumed in.

  “Yes,” I replied numbly. “I’m just hungry.”

  “Who was that anyway?” Scarlett gestured towards the door with a nod. “He was with a crowd of suits earlier but stayed on for drinks after they left.”

  “He’s nobody of importance.” Jonah’s voice was firm. “And now it’s over with.”

  Throwing Jonah a questioning glance, she hesitated before squeezing my arm. With a smile, she left us alone and walked towards the kitchen. Dressed in the compulsory red shirt and fitted black skirt, her slender figure, sleek chin length dark hair and too high black heels drew in approving stares from numerous men as she weaved her way passed their tables. She carried herself with a confidence and ease that I would have given every inherited penny I owned to possess. She reminded me so much of my mother in that moment. The pricking tears intensified as thoughts of Gina ran through my mind. Since the day of her suicide I had convinced myself that the hatred I felt towards her was purely for the life she lived, the men she chased and mostly for darkening my life with Alex. But that wasn’t the truth; my verbal exchange with Benjamin told me that. And realising the truth was unsettling and hard to accept. Years of convincing myself I felt nothing for her and that she meant nothing to me simply wasn’t true. I felt more then I thought and a hell of a lot more than I wanted to.

  “Sweetheart,” Jonah’s voice and eyes were full of concern as he broke through the memory haze and his devastatingly attractive face came into focus. “Talk to me, baby, are you okay?”

  I sighed and shook my head. Staring down at the divine smelling plate of food before me, I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “I never realised, Jonah.” My voice cracked as I spoke.

  “Never realised what, Ava?”

  “I don’t hate my mother Jonah.”

  He stilled his face sincere as he searched mine. “You don’t?”

  “No,” I admitted. “I miss her.”

  ***

  We ate under a blanket of silence for the remainder of our meal. The incident with Benjamin left both of us reeling with emotions and feelings we struggled to deal with. On returning to my apartment, my mood was low and for the first time since I met Jonah, so was my libido. Jonah read me instinctively and offered nothing more than a strong pair of arms for comfort as he held me close the entire night. Admitting to missing my mother hit me hard. She had been nothing more then a ghost in my eyes for so long, a painful memory best left in the tiny crevice of my mind I buried her in, the day she killed herself. My suicide attempt was a similarity we shared, that and our looks. I despised money, but she loved it. I steered clear of attention, however, she courted it. Our taste in men and lifestyles were complete opposites. Yet, despite the differences, I couldn’t deny the blatantly obvious any longer. Gina was my mother; she was the woman who gave me life. And pushing all her other maternal failings aside, she was still and always would be the only mother I would ever have whether she was dead or alive. And that bonded me to her. It connected us both for the rest of my life. I only wished she could have found the strength within her to embrace that connection when I was a child, so she could have been the mother I deserved and now realised I wanted.

  Exhaustion rendered my mind and body useless as I sank against Jonah, his front to my back. His stomach and chest pressed against me, the heat he radiated offered a protective, soothing cocoon. Warm breath blew across my cheek and throat, his face laid closely against mine. The steady rise of fall of his chest as he slept made a comforting rhythm behind me that began to lull me into sleep. With thoughts of Chicago, Benjamin and my mother swimming around my tired skull, I yawned, melted further into Jonah’s peaceful hold and eventually let the darkness take me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  After a long flight full of rising nervous tension that had lay heavy in my stomach since waking, the hot and humid summer air of Chicago clung to my skin the moment we exited the plane. The last time I stood in a Chicago terminal, I was heading for a new life with no intentions of ever returning or looking back. I was in such a fragile state back then. Broken, abused and in need of escape. London offered me that escape. The city I loved, gave me a retreat, a safe haven. It gave me a place to lay low and lick my wounds alone.

  After clawing my way back to some semblance of normality my life began to change. Admittedly the changes that occurred weren’t dramatic ones; in fact as a person I was pretty much the same. Never experiencing love meant never giving it. But that had been okay. Before Jonah, I didn’t need to be loved, didn’t care if I saw out the rest of my days participating in occasional empty sex with meaningless men. I didn’t view my body as precious or a gift to share with a man who held my interest for longer than the time it took him to come. That was the lasting impression Gina left me with. She used her body to entice her next meal ticket, my next potential daddy. Her mission to live a life of luxury drove her to devalue herself at every turn. The truth was she was worth so much more then that. Opening my heart and mind to my true feelings for her had me looking at her in a different light. She still sucked royally as a mother and I would never stop despising her for ending her life but a part of me could now see that some of her flaws were circumstantial and may not have been entirely her fault.

  Gina Dawson was sixteen years old when she became pregnant with me. She was only a child herself and way too young to go through a pregnancy alone. From the little knowledge she gave me regarding my grandparents, their disgust for her condition and the feeling of disgrace they had for her, were a major part of her decision to move to Chicago shortly after my birth. They allowed her to stay in their home during her pregnancy out of shame, not out of unconditional love for their daughter. Her behaviour had brought them enough distain from friends, kicking her pregnant ass out on the streets would have brought them more. My grandfather was a wealthy businessman, my grandmother a devoted mother and wife and both held solid reputations and good standing within social circles. They had high hopes for their only child Gina. Sleeping with random older men at such a young age wasn’t one of them.

  During one of the rare mother/daughter talks we had at an age when I was barely old enough to remember, she told me of her childhood. She was raised by hired staff; her parents were rarely at home and even rarer still was the quality time they spent with her. They compensated for their absence with money and gauging by the inheritance they left to me, my expensive apartment being a part of that; there was more than enough wealth for her to indulge herself in. Replaying that conversation in my mind, the similarities between our childhoods were startling. Neither of us had close bonds with our parents; both of us were raised by people who were paid to, not by the people who should. She had no idea how to take care of me because she was never taken care of herself. Realising that made me hate her a tiny bit less.

  A strong hand squeezed mine as we exited customs and walked towards the airport’s main entrance. Glancing up, Jonah shot me a small, adorable smile that pricked at my heart. The suited god of last night had been replaced, by a casual god, whose attractiveness was no less panty wetting for his less formal attire. His chocolate coloured hair lay across his forehead, his gorgeous eyes hidden behind mirrored shades. His white shirt was rolled to his elbows and the faded denims he wore hung low on his slender hips. Even now, simply looking at him never failed to make my body ache for his touch and my sex clench in anticipation of his blessed cock. He walked with natural grace, a total contradiction to his large, mouth watering, muscular frame His lip curled slightly as he caught me staring at him openly. Something I was beginning to do more and more and he knew it. “Keep looking at me with that fuck me look sweetheart and I’ll take great pleasure in doing just that.” He raised my hand to his lips and swept them across my knuckles. “I miss you Ava. One night without being inside you is one too many.”

  I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Normal couples find one night without sex perfectly acceptable.”

  “We’re not a normal couple,” he kissed my knuckles again. “I was respe
ctful last night because you needed me to be, not because I wanted to be.”

  “We’re too fucked up to be normal,” I sighed as he dropped my hand and draped his arm over my shoulder.

  “Who says we’re fucked up?” He tucked me against his side. “We understand what we are and accept it. I tried normal for a while and it’s seriously over rated.”

  Pulling a large suitcase each behind us, we walked out into the bright summer sunlight and flagged the nearest stationary taxi. Once seated inside, I pulled out my phone and powered it on in the hope that the quick text I fired to Charlotte and Cameron before leaving for the airport would be answered. The blank screen told me both texts remained unanswered. My heart sank. God, they were both making me suffer for making the decision to be with the man I loved. Even after hearing from Scarlett of Charlotte’s in discretionary outbursts during her visit to Giovanni’s, I was still prepared to hold out the olive branch and cross my fingers in hope they would both grab onto it with both hands. Seems, neither one of them were prepared to seize the gesture just yet. I sighed and shoved the phone back into my purse. I couldn’t repair broken friendships alone and in all honesty, my head was not in a good place, and I was not in a good place here. Facing Chicago could take more strength and courage than I had in my tanks and that was my main focus. Fly in, deal with the shit, and then fly the hell home.

  Ten minutes later we were in the penthouse suite of a hotel close to the airport. I unpacked quickly and filled the huge stand alone bath tub with scorching hot water. Chicago made me feel dirty, made my skin crawl with the vile memories of the years I spent living here. I wanted to rub my skin raw, cleanse it of the past and as I flung off my clothes, hopped in the tub and submerged myself beneath the water, the too hot water burned against my flesh but I instantly felt better. Holding my breath, I closed my eyes and just stayed there beneath the water, tingling from head to toe from the heat of the water but in a weird sort of calm. My body felt weightless and so did my mind. Light and empty. Surfacing in need of oxygen, my eyes opened sharply as two hands clutched my shoulders and pulled me upwards.