Provoked (Space Mage Book 1)

by Izzy Shows

  But, no, I still couldn't quite grasp it, couldn't remember what it was, and that frustrated me to no end.

  Anger took hold of me, and I was dimly aware that I shouldn't allow that to happen.

  I have to stay balanced.

  But why? Why was balance so important? And why did balance mean that I couldn't embrace a natural emotion? No, that didn't make sense, but somehow, I knew that was what I needed to do. That was what I was expected to do.

  I didn't know who expected that of me, or why it was important that I maintain that balance, but it was instinctual. So, I pushed the anger down and took in deep breaths to try to find that center within myself.

  It was hard. The pain kept pushing at me, trying to drag me back down…

  I was stronger now, though. My mind was surfacing, pulling itself together, but it hurt to try to think, to try to remember, and I shied away from the pain.

  There was so much pain. I didn't want to add to it when I didn't have to.

  Why is there so much pain?

  I didn't know. All I knew was that it was there, consuming me, chewing me to pieces and spitting out the remains. There was nothing but the pain, and it felt like there had never been anything but the pain.

  But that was wrong. I knew it was wrong.

  There had been something else, before…

  Before what?

  Before the pain, of course, but also before something else. Something important.

  It was the something I was supposed to remember, I realized with a frown. But I couldn't put my finger on it yet. It was still out of my reach.

  And then I felt something snap inside me, and the sensation of an anchoring.

  It was tenuous, like a simple thread that might be broken if it was touched, but it was a connection.

  A mental connection.

  Surprise and interest took hold of me, and I reached out with my mind to touch it, but it shuddered at my touch, and I withdrew.

  No, it's not ready yet. Can't touch it, or it'll break.

  I didn't have a reason to care whether it broke or not, except that it was something other than the pain to focus on.

  But what was it? My memories had yet to return to me—gods above, who was I?—but somehow, I knew I had never experienced anything quite like this before.

  It was foreign to me, and that was a little exciting.

  It was something new. Something interesting.

  Something to distract me.

  Yes, this was good. I could examine it, try to figure out what it was, and maybe it would push the pain away.

  As if summoned by the thought, the pain came rushing back to me all at once, swamping me and sending my mind spinning away.

  Inside, I was weeping, too exhausted to open my mouth and let the little sounds of agony escape my lips.

  It all hurt so much, but it had been beating at me for what felt like ages now, and I was wearing down. Losing my will to fight.

  Gods, I wanted the pain to stop, but I didn't know how. Instinctively, I knew that there was no escape to be had. Not one that I could create, anyway, and besides…

  Escape was bad. Getting away was bad; I knew that.

  I wasn't supposed to leave, and the only way to escape the pain was to leave. But the pain was getting worse, as if whatever was driving it was getting closer and closer to me.

  Couldn't they leave me alone?

  I had been through so much. Did I really deserve all this pain?

  What have I been through? I thought with a frown, wondering where that had come from. Yet, I knew I had been through a terrible ordeal, had endured something that no one should have to live through.

  I didn't know what it was that was so terrible, but I knew. Knew that it was and that it should never have been.

  A tremor ran through me, and my mind retreated as if it had been burned, instinctively shying away from the train of thought that would lead to more pain.

  Why would it lead to more pain?

  This was what I was supposed to remember, I was sure of it, but I didn't know if I had the courage to follow through. It was going to hurt, possibly worse than any of the pain that had come before it, and I was just so tired.

  Tired of all this pain.

  Why won't it go away?

  It's a punishment, I thought dully.

  Not my punishment, though. Someone is forcing the punishment on me, for some reason. It's not my punishment, but I have to bear it for some reason.

  I deserve it.

  But hadn't I just decided that that wasn't true?

  There was another part of me, a smaller part, that disagreed, that thought I deserved this because I hadn't done more, hadn't tried harder.

  I could have stopped all the pain, if I had just been stronger. If I had just done what needed to be done. No, I had to be weak, had to be indecisive. I could have saved all those people, all my children, my loved ones. Mine to cherish and protect, and I threw them away because I was too weak…

  What?

  Horror and excitement ran through me, but it as soon as the thought came, it was gone.

  I was left with a bare recollection of it, too vague to examine, but I knew that for a second, I had taken hold of the thought. I had gotten close to what I was supposed to remember.

  I had failed; that was certain. I had failed at a task that had been set before me, and that was why I was enduring this torment.

  If I hadn't failed, if I'd been…stronger, yes, that was the word, then I wouldn't be in pain.

  I would be somewhere else, and everything would be fine, and I wouldn't be in this darkness with only the pain to keep me company.

  The connection trembled in my mind as if it was responding to the emotions roiling through me, and I tried to quiet myself.

  Don't disturb the thread. It’ll break, and it's all you have right now.

  I didn't want to lose the thread, not when it was all that was here to accompany me beyond the pain. I could see it in my mind's eye, a very faint golden thread that trembled with every breeze that came by.

  Why was it golden?

  That's the color of my magic. Maman always said that it meant the gods had touched me, that I was close to them.

  Maman. I had a maman, and she had been kind and good and everything everyone was supposed to be. I was instantly filled with strong memories of being loved and cherished, and I held them tight.

  But they slipped out of my hands like sand before I could hold them for too long, and the pain was back, driving into me like a stake through the heart.

  You deserve no comfort. You were bad, you failed, and you should have been stronger. Should have tried harder.

  I cast my head down and wept, because I knew it was true.

  I deserved this pain.

  Kaidan

  The heat from the dual suns this planet orbited was worse than any desert on Earth I'd ever been in. My initial summation that this was a godforsaken rock seemed to be spot-on, and I clung to that rather than thinking of what it had made me feel.

  It didn't take long for Anders to find a spot he deemed suitable for us to set up camp, and his team quickly began to prepare the nanobots to build the base. It would probably just take a few hours for them to get it done—impressive tech, expensive as hell. Nanobots could build just about anything you could think of, given enough time. A functional base would be a piece of cake for them, and then we'd have somewhere that was at least mostly civilized to live in.

  Couldn’t have a bunch of soft scientists roughing it on an alien planet, after all. They were used to the luxuries of life and couldn’t be expected to deal with the basics of nature.

  I took a step towards Jarek, who was eyeing the group of scientists surrounding the nanobots with a suspicious look in his eyes. He didn't trust them any more than I did, and I thought that was pretty fair.

  "Keep an eye on things. I'm going to scout around, see if there's anything out here that we need to be worried about."

  He frowned. "But, boss
, they said this planet doesn't have shit on it. That's why we're here."

  "They don't tell us everything," I said, keeping my voice low. "You think they're not above doctoring reports just to get a planet to fix up? They know how bad we all need this. They’re not about to let something slip through their fingers over a technicality. No, I'm going to make sure."

  He nodded. "You got it, boss. I'll keep an eye on things."

  "Good man."

  Jarek signaled to the other men, and they positioned themselves in a protective ring around the larger group. With one last glance to make sure everything was in order, I strode out into the desert.

  It might have been a stupid decision to break away from the group on my own, but I had to explore this planet and figure out why it had made me feel the way it had.

  A barren rock shouldn't make you feel like you belonged, like you'd come home for the first time in your life. I shouldn't give a flying fuck about this place, but for some reason, I felt a sense of kinship with it.

  As if I'd been made for it, as stupid as that sounded.

  I wanted to find answers. I didn't know where I was going to find them, but I was damned sure that standing around watching a bunch of nanobots get to work wasn't going to do it for me.

  Keeping a careful eye on the sky and the positions of the dual suns, I kept going in what I hoped would be a worthwhile direction. There wasn't much in the way of landmarks out here, and the shifting sand made it difficult to walk, but I was certain I could find my way back when I was done. I had navigated enough alien planets to have picked up a few tricks over the years.

  I wasn't worried about it.

  What I was worried about was not finding what I was looking for. There had to be something out here, but my pessimistic side was saying I was fucked, and I wasn't going to find a damned thing out here.

  That side of me was also saying that I had imagined the whole thing: the buzzing sensation, the stirring in my soul, that it had all been some kind of hopeful dream inside me to make me feel like I had something to live for, when I'd been running for so long on willpower alone.

  Damn it, I didn't need anything like that.

  If there wasn't a place for me in the universe, I was fine with that. I had made my peace with things a long time ago, and it wouldn't bother me all that much if shit stayed exactly the same as it had always been.

  I had a death wish, and that hadn't changed just because some planet was working the hocus-pocus on me.

  But you don't want to die until you can figure out what's going on.

  The hopeful side of me whispered in my mind, urging me to keep going, to keep hunting for whatever was out there. It was right, as much as I hated to admit it. I didn't want to die without finding the answers, and that was a crying shame, because it fed into the other, pessimistic side, the one that said I was only doing this to give myself something to hold on to.

  That's not why. I don't care if I don't have anything to live for. This just came out of nowhere, I thought stubbornly, refusing to admit that I might have made the whole thing up. That was an unfair accusation, and I wasn't going to sit back and live with it.

  There was no way of tracking time out here. I didn't know the schedule the suns followed, and I figured two suns would probably fuck things up a bit, but it felt like hours had passed while I was trekking through the sand that kept threatening to pull me down.

  Every step I took sent my feet sinking deeper into the sand, and it was exhausting work to trudge forward, but my determination kept pushing me ahead. It demanded that I keep going, just a little farther, and a little farther.

  You're going to die out here in the sand.

  Nah, I wasn't too worried about that. I had my pack of emergency supplies to turn to, but I doubted it would come to that. I was enhanced, after all. I could go days without sleep, and longer than a normal human could go without food or water. I wasn't about to die just because the sand was trying to swallow me whole.

  But it was a damned good thing I had my tech suit on, because otherwise I was pretty sure I would sweat to death, losing all my precious hydration. The tech suit kept me safe, regulated the temperature for me, but still I could feel the heat of the suns beating down on me without mercy.

  That was fine. I didn't need mercy from this hell hole. I just needed the answers it was going to give me, whether it wanted to or not.

  At last, my persistence was rewarded.

  In the distance, I saw something of a structure start to take shape, and I hurried toward it with a renewed sense of determination. It took me longer than I would have liked to reach it, but at last I did.

  And was a little disappointed.

  It looked like it might have been some sort of religious temple at some point, but it was mostly rubble now. I climbed the stone steps, grateful for the change from the sand I'd been slogging through up until now. It was a little disorienting to suddenly be able to walk normally, but I adjusted after a few steps.

  Stepping inside the ruins, I let out a low whistle.

  "This must have been some place in its prime," I muttered, taking a look around.

  And that's when it swept over me again: that tingling sensation, the buzzing in my head, the stirring.

  It rocked me hard this time, much more than it had before, and I fell to my hands and knees from the force of it.

  Sweet baby Jesus, that was something, all right.

  I was dizzy, and for a few minutes I stayed like that, sucking in air and trying to focus on finding myself again.

  As I calmed down, I realized that another sensation had been hiding behind the first. A softer one, but powerful all the same: a sense that I wasn't alone here, that there was another presence nearby.

  Something bigger than me, something…else.

  I snorted at the thought when it entered my mind. Yeah, right.

  I wasn't a religious man. I didn't believe in that crap. If there was a God, he was something other than what they taught in Bible school. He didn't care about me, or he wouldn't have put me through all the shit I'd lived through, that was for sure.

  I knew better than to put my faith in someone who didn't care if people lived or died.

  But this sensation wouldn't go away, and it wasn't alone.

  There was something else, too. I felt it as I searched inside myself.

  It was…pain.

  It hit me like a sack of bricks straight to the gut, and for a second my arms gave way and I came dangerously close to the ground, about to smack my face against it before I caught myself.

  So much pain.

  It lashed out at me, rocking through me. It was brutal, the kind of pain that must come with a catastrophe. I was sure of it.

  But how could I be feeling that kind of pain? Where had it come from?

  No, this didn't make sense. None of it did.

  I had to get out of here. Had to get away from this place that was doing such weird shit to me.

  It wasn't giving me the answers I had wanted, wasn't helping me figure anything out. In fact, it was only leaving me with more questions than I had started with, which was pretty fucking annoying.

  I struggled to my feet and backed out of the temple, suspicion heavy on my mind. I didn't dare turn my back on this place, not for a second, like it might do something to me if I didn't watch it carefully. I couldn't trust it; I knew that with a certainty I hadn't realized I was capable of feeling.

  There was something here, and I didn't like that one bit. Didn't like the idea that I wasn't alone when I should have been.

  I fucking knew they lied to us. This planet isn't empty, after all. Fucking scientists.

  The thought was strong in my mind, and in a way, it comforted me.

  It was an explanation.

  I turned tail and ran back into the sand, back towards base.

  Xiva

  What's that?

  There was something new, a sensation breaking through the haze of pain in my mind. I felt my lips tug down in a frown
and the skin of my brow wrinkle as I hunted for the feeling, tried to push through the haze in my mind to get to it.

  Gods, it was so difficult.

  Vivoth, Nytoc, please. Please take this pain from me.

  There was no response, no help to be had.

  How was it that I remembered their names but not my own?

  I just wanted to know who I was, what I was doing down here, but the knowledge was beyond me. Frustrating in the extreme, but there was that other knowledge at the back of my mind, telling me I couldn't give in to the frustration.

  You have to be calm. Stay collected. You're an example. Everyone looks to you to take their cues. You have to stay calm.

  But that was confusing on its own. Why was I an example? Who was I an example for?

  Something else I couldn't remember, and the gaps in my memory were beginning to drive me mad, more so than the pain that had become my constant companion.

  They're not just gaps, though, they're gaping holes. I had no memory, not really; there wasn't anything else in the void for there to be a gap beside. In order for there to be gaps, I would have to have something.

  And I had nothing.

  Oh! There it was again, that…pulling, as if someone had tapped into my core and was guiding me forward.

  It took me a minute, but I found where it was coming from.

  The thread. The little, delicate thread that indicated the connection I had to something out there in the void that surrounded me; somehow, it had turned itself into a cord anchored in my soul.

  And it was pulling at me.

  I felt my mind respond as if of its own accord, pushing against the pain and the void as if it needed to get to wherever the cord wanted it to go.

  Instinctively, I recoiled, fighting the pull of the cord and the pushing in my mind.

  I didn't know what the cord was, what it was tied to, and I didn't know where it wanted to lead me.

  There was pain all around me, yes, and I couldn't remember who I was, and it seemed that I was floating in a dark void of nothingness, but at least I knew what was around me here. I knew what to expect—the pain.