The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  I opened up my hand. ‘‘Yo, GUS come to me,’’ I ordered.

  My Colt 2062 sprang to e-life from across the room. ‘‘With pleasure!’’ GUS sang. The Colt 2062 rose from the floor and floated across the room into my hand.

  ‘‘Cool weapon,’’ Sexy said. ‘‘You going to blast them? I like blasting them.’’

  That’s when it occurred to me. If Sexy, an ex-teen-pop-star turned world politician, liked the idea, there had to be something wrong with it. Threa had nearly unlimited mental, physical, and financial resources. If I got in a pissing contest with her she’d drown me. There had to be a better way. I remembered something!

  Grabbing Sexy by the hand, I pulled her into the hallway. We raced down the hall into my master bedroom. I slammed the door behind me.

  Sexy smiled. ‘‘Why, Zach, I’m flattered, but I’m a big fancy-pants politician now. I can’t just jump into bed with you,’’ she said, pulling off her shirt and hopping onto my bed. ‘‘We have to issue a statement denying it first.’’

  I headed to my dresser, pulling out the bottom drawer. I began shifting through the contents.

  ‘‘You know,’’ HARV said. ‘‘If you bought a modern dresser you would always know where everything was. And you’d never have to manually open a drawer.’’

  ‘‘Yeah, well, I need the workout,’’ I said, tossing items left and right. ‘‘Oh, and Sexy put your shirt back on,’’ I said. Sexy may have been beautiful and nubile beyond compare, but I was in a committed relationship. Besides, even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t do it with a politician.

  ‘‘You could tell me what you are looking for,’’ HARV said. ‘‘I do have a much better memory than you.’’

  There was no need for HARV’s assistance as I found what I was searching for. I pulled it out and showed it to HARV. It was a simple metal bell attached to a pink stick of wood.

  Sexy sighed. ‘‘Okay, he’s lost it.’’

  ‘‘Hardly,’’ I said. ‘‘This bell was given to me by Threa after I stopped her sister Foraa from sucking the world down a black hole.’’

  ‘‘Yeah, that would have been a real bummer,’’ Sexy agreed. ‘‘At least on my case, you only needed to save a good portion of the northern hemisphere.’’

  I rang the bell.

  There was a flash of light.

  Threa appeared in the room in all her glory.

  Threa looked at me in shock. Sexy looked at me in more shock. She leaped off my bed.

  ‘‘How dare you call me!’’ Threa said.

  ‘‘How dare you call her, my archenemy,’’ Sexy barked.

  When I say, barked, I mean barked. Sexy was now on all fours, barking away. I looked at Threa. She had a smile of satisfaction on her face.

  Threa patted me on the shoulder (kind of like she would a pet). She smiled. ‘‘Ah, I see your plan now Zachary. Bring me right to my enemy.’’

  ‘‘That wasn’t my plan,’’ I insisted.

  Sexy was now contentedly licking Threa’s feet.

  ‘‘It should have been your plan. Because I like it.’’ Threa patted me on the head again. ‘‘Good, Zach. Good, Zach.’’

  ‘‘Threa, I brought you here to call off your ogres and to appeal to your logical side.’’

  Threa looked at me. ‘‘Wow, nobody’s ever tried that before . . .’’

  ‘‘To get you to call off your ogres?’’

  ‘‘No, appealing to my logical side.’’

  I took a deep breath. Threa Thompson was one of the most powerful beings in existence. I was pretty certain my new high-powered weapon would, at the very least, cause her pain. But chances were great that if I tried to use it, Threa would stop me and I’d be joining Sexy, licking Threa’s free foot. Logic was my only hope.

  ‘‘Threa, I know you are powerful beyond compare,’’ I said playing with her ego some, ‘‘but even you can’t take on the entire world.’’

  Threa put a finger to her mouth. ‘‘I don’t want to take on the entire world, just the World Council.’’

  ‘‘They have a lot of resources to throw at you,’’ I noted.

  She put her hands on her hips. ‘‘I have a lot of resources too. I’m lady and mistress of my own realm.’’

  Time to shift gears and appeal to her sensitive side.

  ‘‘HARV, how much is Threa worth?’’

  ‘‘Roughly 127,898,001 credits,’’ HARV thought.

  ‘‘Threa you’re worth over one hundred millions credits,’’ I said.

  Threa was now rubbing Sexy on her tummy. ‘‘What’s your point?’’

  ‘‘My point is, if you donated a percentage of that to the World Council as say, taxes, that money could go to help this world.’’

  Threa straightened herself up. ‘‘I’m not a huge fan of this world. It’s kind of a mean world. Look how badly they treat the Moon.’’

  For the first time, I noticed Threa had blue hair. She was a Moonie.

  ‘‘But by giving money you could help set an example that the World Council can learn from.’’

  ‘‘Zach, they are politicians. Do you really think they can learn anything?’’

  ‘‘There’s always hope, Threa.’’

  Threa took a step back. ‘‘Lead by example . . . It’s crazy enough that it just might work. I’ll take it under advisement.’’ She looked behind her at Sexy, now contently sniffing Threa’s butt. Sexy rolled back in the universal doggie ‘‘I surrender’’ position.

  ‘‘She is a cute pooch,’’ Threa said. ‘‘Tell her she has nothing to fear from me or my minions. At least for now!’’

  ‘‘Got it,’’ I said.

  Threa held out her open hand. She wanted me to place something in that hand, but I had no idea what. She started tapping her foot.

  ‘‘Threa, I have no idea what you want,’’ I said.

  HARV appeared next to me and bowed to Threa.

  ‘‘Threa, it’s always a pleasure to process your image,’’ HARV said.

  Threa held out her other hand to him. He kissed it.

  ‘‘The pleasure is mine, HARV,’’ Threa said giving him a polite little curtsy.

  It was a bit offputting that my computer was smoother than I was.

  HARV turned his head toward me while his body was still facing Threa. This was one of the times HARV really took advantage of the fact that he was a hologram.

  ‘‘Give her back the bell,’’ HARV told me.

  ‘‘Really?’’ I said. I’m not sure why, but I hid the bell behind my back.

  ‘‘Zach, she’s not going to forget about it just because she can’t see it. She’s a powerful fairy princess, not an ostrich.’’

  ‘‘You really want your bell back?’’ I asked Threa, though truth be told, I wasn’t sure why I would want to keep it.

  Threa bobbed her head a couple of times. ‘‘I said you may summon me once with that. You have. Now I need it back.’’

  I placed the bell in Threa’s hand. She smiled, then disappeared in a puff of smoke.

  HARV shook his head. ‘‘She must have some personal teleporter I can’t detect.’’

  Sexy stood up and shook her head. ‘‘What happened?’’ She stuck out her tongue. ‘‘And why do I taste feet?’’

  I guided Sexy out of my bedroom. ‘‘I talked to Threa. Things are going to be okay now,’’ I assured her.

  No sooner did I get Sexy and her crew out of there than I saw Electra’s BMW hover coming in for a landing.

  ‘‘HARV, what time is it?’’ I asked as the hover landed.

  ‘‘Here?’’

  ‘‘No, on the Moon!’’

  ‘‘Well the Moon uses Beijing time so it would be . . .’’

  ‘‘Here HARV, in New Frisco.’’

  ‘‘Four PM. You would think you wouldn’t be so lazy and you’d move your wrist to look at your communicator,’’ HARV huffed.

  Electra got out of the car and kissed me.

  ‘‘What brings you home so early, mi amor?’’
/>   Electra took my hand as we walked toward my house. ‘‘I had to get out of there. The press was making me crazy asking so many asinine questions about you.’’

  We walked into the house. ‘‘Don’t worry, I’m sure tomorrow some Elvis impersonator clone will rescue a cat from a tree, knocking me out of the headlines.’’

  ‘‘Yes, Gates forbid they talk about real news like the Moon’s newest bid for independence.’’

  ‘‘People can’t affect that, my dear. If there’s nothing they can affect then they only want to hear about trivial stuff.’’

  Electra looked around at the bots rebuilding my door, my door’s supports and cleaning up the mess. ‘‘What happened here?’’

  ‘‘Same old, same old,’’ I said.

  Electra smiled at me. She thought better about asking anything else. ‘‘It’s for the better,’’ she said. ‘‘I need to pack so I can get to the conference early tomorrow.’’

  Chapter 6

  To be on the safe side, Electra and I both slept in my home’s underground shelter, but the night passed without incident. Electra woke bright and early to pack. I slept a bit while she packed but met her in the kitchen for breakfast before she headed off.

  When I joined Electra at the table she was already halfway through the grapefruit and coffee. The morning news was scrolling by on the wallscreen.

  ‘‘Am I still the flavor of the day?’’ I asked sitting down across from her.

  HARV appeared at the head of the table. He had a sly look in his eye.

  Electra shook her head. ‘‘Nope, some Elvis impersonator clone in Vegas saved a poodle trapped in a tree.’’

  The maidbot rolled up and deposited a piece of bacon and some eggs on my plate. I munched on the bacon. I turned to HARV.

  ‘‘Okay, now that can’t be a coincidence,’’ I told him.

  HARV smirked. He was so high on himself I was surprised he didn’t float off the chair. ‘‘I set it up,’’ he said proudly. ‘‘You’ve already collected your payment for the insurance ad. Plus Sexy deposited a five thousand credit payment to your account for your help with her ugly little matter.’’

  ‘‘So my fifteen nanos of fame are over,’’ I said watching images of the Elvis impersonator clone climbing the tree toward the poor pooch.

  I noticed Electra was watching another window. Vixen News was showing a debate between one of their bikini model anchors and a World Public Broadcasting man wearing a suit he looked like he was born in. The two were discussing the pros and cons of a free Moon.

  ‘‘Zoom in on Vixen News,’’ I ordered the wallscreen.

  The Vixen News window expanded to show the woman and man sitting facing each other. No table, no desk, no nada.

  ‘‘Oh, please Morgan,’’ the Vixen News ‘‘reporter’’ spat. ‘‘If we give the Moon their freedom then next thing City in Sky will want theirs. Next, Mars Base will want theirs. It will be complete and utter anarchy.’’

  The man rolled his eyes. ‘‘I would expect talk like that from a bimbo whose bustline is ten points bigger than her IQ-two score.’’

  ‘‘Ah, I just love a good debate,’’ I said.

  HARV and Electra both shushed me.

  ‘‘This is important,’’ they both clanged in unison.

  They looked at each other and smiled. It’s very surreal to see your computer and fiancée exchanging a telling glance. I tilted my head.

  ‘‘If you guys want I can leave . . .’’

  HARV rolled his eyes. ‘‘Typical Zach, if it’s not a ball score then he’s not interested.’’

  ‘‘Not true,’’ Electra said, though from the tone of her voice I knew she wasn’t rushing to my defense. ‘‘He also cares about classic cars.’’

  ‘‘Excellent point,’’ HARV agreed. ‘‘Gates forbid he pay attention to something important that is happening in today’s world.’’

  ‘‘Oh, come on. I’ve saved the world as we know it at least four times. I’m interested in the world as much as you two.’’

  They both just looked at me, hands on hips.

  ‘‘Okay, maybe not as much as you two, but more than the average joe or jane.’’

  HARV put a finger up and started twirling it in the air. ‘‘Big whoop. You of all people should know that the average man and woman on the street only care about what the mass media, mega-monster machine manufactures for them to care about.’’

  ‘‘Mass, media, mega, monster, machine, HARV? I think I have to fine you ten credits for illegal alliteration.’’

  HARV crossed his arms and huffed. ‘‘Don’t change the subject with me, Zachary Nixon Johnson.’’

  ‘‘Has my mom been reprogramming you?’’ I asked.

  HARV looked Electra square in the eyes. ‘‘You sure you want to marry him? I think you can do better.’’

  Electra tilted her head to the side looking at me. ‘‘He’s not much, but I love him.’’

  HARV shook his head. ‘‘Proving that even the best of humans are flawed. I’m just glad I’m not human. Being a cognitive processor I think about many things that aren’t just bubblegum for the brain . . .’’

  ‘‘HARV, you don’t think, really think . . . You simulate thinking,’’ I goaded.

  ‘‘You’re getting defensive because you know I’m right,’’ HARV smirked.

  HARV was right. We do tend to be a rather shallow species at times. I believe it’s actually a defense mechanism. We are constantly bombarded with so much information we certainly can’t process it all and we can’t affect very much of it. That’s why we only choose to notice the most important life-threatening events— that guy has a laser and he’s pointing it at me, the bomb is ticking away, Electra is about to lose her temper. Or we pay attention to the most trivial of events— sports scores and what the hot star of the nano is wearing or dating or not wearing and not dating. We pay attention to that which can kill us or that which entertains us. Everything in between is filtered out.

  HARV pointed at the screen. ‘‘What happens on the Moon is important. I’m sure the other planets are watching Earth carefully. The Moon isn’t just a suburb of Earth any longer. Some Mooners are showing genetic differences from Earthlings. Almost one in five hundred of them is born a psi, compared to the one in a million here on Earth. They are a new branch of homo sapiens, superior in all but numbers, but you treat them like second-class beings.’’

  ‘‘HARV, I treat everybody the same,’’ I said.

  HARV rolled his eyes. ‘‘When I say you, I don’t mean you, I mean humanity in general.’’

  I patted HARV on his shoulder, even though he didn’t really have a shoulder. ‘‘You can’t generalize like that, HARV.’’

  ‘‘Enough you two,’’ Electra ordered. ‘‘Yes, HARV, some of us are shallow. Some of us fear change. Hence, they are worried about the Mooners—and psis for that matter. Others of us hope and pray these changes will lead to a better world—or worlds—for us all. All in all though, it’s so much easier to wonder about what the Elvis clones are up to.’’

  I smiled at her. That’s why I love her so much. Electra has the ability to take a complicated matter and summarize it so even a supercomputer can understand it.

  I bent over and gave her a kiss. ‘‘That’s why you’re the smartest human or machine in the room.’’

  ‘‘Damn straight,’’ she said. She pointed at the screen. ‘‘Still, this is an important issue. More people need to think about it. If more people stand up, maybe the World Council will let the Moon go.’’

  ‘‘When was the last time the World Council ever listened to anything, Electra?’’ It was true. It’s like once they get elected they become deaf and dumb.

  Electra stood up. She pointed at me. ‘‘You should make sure Sexy votes for Moon freedom this time.’’

  I looked over at HARV; his head bobbed in agreement.

  ‘‘You want me to use my influence on Sexy to influence her vote?’’ I asked.

  Electra moved over
to me and kissed me. ‘‘Just state the case. Let her decide. Tell her you like her lip gloss.’’ Electra looked at her watch. ‘‘I’d better get to the shuttle port,’’ she said. ‘‘This way I can play my own part in Earth/Moon relationships.’’

  I grabbed her arm gently. ‘‘You sure you want to go through with this? I’m getting a bad vibe.’’

  She turned her head toward me. ‘‘That’s sweet of you to worry. But I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl who can take care of herself.’’

  To drive home her point she used her free hand to grab the arm I was holding her with and used it to throw me over her shoulder. The moment I hit the ground I remembered why I loved Electra. Yes, I probably need therapy.

  Electra bent over and kissed me. ‘‘See you in three days, mi amor.’’

  ‘‘Be safe,’’ I said.

  HARV just snickered.

  Chapter 7

  It didn’t take long for Electra to pack her things. She was as excited as I had seen in her in years about this conference. I was happy for her but something about her impending trip was eating at my gut. The scary thing was I didn’t know what or why.

  I was sitting in my living room watching the holosports highlights when Electra walked in the room carrying an old-fashioned suitcase. (Electra insisted that modern, anti-grav suitcases make us lazy and weak.)

  ‘‘You should offer to carry her suitcase to the hover,’’ HARV suggested.

  I shook my head no.

  ‘‘The last time a man offered to carry my suitcase, I broke his arm,’’ Electra said walking past us.

  I nodded to HARV. I may not be the smartest joe in the world but I know my woman.

  ‘‘You should have known that,’’ I told HARV as I stood up to walk Electra out.

  ‘‘Oh, I did,’’ HARV said. ‘‘I was just hoping you didn’t. I wanted to see how Electra would react.’’

  Ignoring HARV, I headed outside with Electra.

  ‘‘I’ll miss you,’’ I said.

  ‘‘I’ll drop you an e-mail when I get there.’’

  We reached the car. She kissed me. She pulled back a bit and looked at me. ‘‘What’s wrong, Zach?’’

  ‘‘Still getting a weird feeling about this . . .’’ I said.