Wanting him back

by Mary Norton

  I wanted to say no, but I lied shamelessly. With the amount of work he had, he could have taken home, but decided to leave for another day. So I continue on my youngest state: Vegetative Labour.

  However, he did not go as I expected. Because I have my best friend who knows me and cares about me. His question made me even touched: Arrived some new film about dog on Netflix?

  He knows how I'm just looking at me.

  But I preferred to leave Leo out of the story. It is better for him, and the physical state of Augustus. And because I do not want my friend lose their job. After he returned from the trip, there were few times he talked to himself. Leo forgave me for not having left something for him. But he asked me to tell him what was wrong.

  I did not, but I used something else that was bothering me. I told my friend who was getting nervous with the arrival of the judgment. only missing four days you have to go to the forum. It's not entirely a lie, but it is not the main cause. All this.

  It has nine days I try to be myself, but just can not. And there's only one way to end it all. That I can return to my life.

  - Juliane, I need you to evaluate and sign these documents and give Augusto today.

  Katya awakens me when you play a ridiculous amount of papers on my desk. This woman should be arrested by the amount of crime it causes to nature. Without even looking at her, I picked up the papers and start to do what she asked me.

  - Must be suffering, is not it? As it is difficult to unhappiness in your perfect life.

  The poison runs in each syllable. Whenever she can, she attacks. And always when I'm back to her. Always it is treacherous. But today my faithful friend patience, did not come with me to work.

  - Any decent human being, has its moments of unhappiness, those little things that make us human. These small blows that life gives, is a warning that we are no better than anyone. We are here to make mistakes and learn from mistakes. I learned, but I do not regret. And if there's one thing I can take away from this is that my opinion of you was always right.

  I turn to face the poisonous. Her eyes are wide. hate and certainly filled is exploding internally.

  - You have always been and will always be false. This empty woman, only the exterior is acceptable. But I thank you anyway. Thank you for allowing catch again, thank you for showing me that I'm so innocent. But do not think you tell me these things will make me to hate you or diminish me. The effect is not, you will hate more and will die a little every day.

  Again I turn around to my computer and do the job you asked me. I know that Katya went away, for I hear his footsteps detonating poor floor of comptrollership. It does not hurt me at all to tell her. I think it was still not all he said. But that's not what I should think that time.

  But I will think about how to improve things. When Edward broke up with me, I was suffering months, but had the stage helping me as a distraction. So it was easier to clean up the mess I was. And it helped a lot did not go everywhere we used to go together. Staying at home doing work and studying my Spanish were good distractions.

  But now I have left is work. But it does not work very well. Since the cause of my suffering is a few meters away. It should work, but does not help. I tried things like the first time, but I was not as hurt as I am today.

  It did not hurt as much this betrayal.

  Betrayal.

  Acorda, Juli, you who was the traitor. I know this is not true, but I also know that in a roundabout way I contribute to it. And taking nights sleep, I understand why Augustus have fled, but does not change he lied to me without any scruples. And why just me? If he had the poisoned playing for him the first day I set foot here.

  I delude myself for a few minutes believing what he told me nights ago. But this illusion dissolves when I remember that he left without looking back. Making me be the mistake he made in a moment of weakness.

  He did not tell me. But it made me feel like after all. And do feel is worse than talking, because silence is the most concrete answer before all sentimentality of chaos we feel. And that is what we are giving each other. Very quiet.

  Forgetting this, access to my Spotify account and put random songs to listen. I hope that the application help. I do everything Katya asked me. With years of experience, I finish everything and go to the hardest part of it all.

  I take a deep breath and I'll take the papers to Augustus. Way so slowly that a turtle could reach than me first. Not even my rhythm is normal. It makes it sound like I'm not.

  It's like losing my identity.

  Knock at the door and when I hear your permission, I walk slowly. But your eyes are on me as soon as I open the door. Augusto stares at me as if he did not see me for days, months, or as if it were the first time. It may be, as in all these days, I count on his fingers the times he had to be in his presence.

  I think he understood my plan, as it is following to the letter.

  - Katya asked to deliver these papers to you. - Close the door and then let them tidy up his desk. - I remind to you that tomorrow will be meeting with the consultant Customs and Mr. Duarte wants this gentleman, he also asked where prefer the meeting.

  His pale eyes stare at me with so much feeling that I need to look away. I can hear her breathing change or be mine? Do not know. I just need to get out of here.

  Look at it and not think about good things that I lived with him, it is impossible. It's torturer, painful. See you every day is a slap of life saying that even though I begged him to be mine, it will never be.

  - I do not know the right city even if you can give me your opinion.

  He did not say that. He did not say. That.

  Why does he have to do these things? Why be a complete asshole? Why not pretend I do not exist?

  I keep staring at the floor. I do not want to see the sadistic smile on your face, do not want to tarnish the image more my heart created it. My indifference is not with me when it comes to Augustus. She's fault. Because you can not hide things from someone you love.

  - I'll talk to your Duarte on the site. - Swallow. - Need something?

  I ask looking at the floor.

  - What do you look at me.

  Damn it! Shaking his head in denial, I tell him I can not do that. Not without crying. Taking a step back I almost hit the chair near the wall.

  - If you do not need anything else, I'll go back to my room.

  Dou turn around and come to the door. When I'm with her hand on the doorknob hesitate for a minute and when I leave ...

  - Juli.

  I stop, but do not turn back.

  - There's something I want you to do. - His voice is low and hesitant. As if I did not ask me that. - Let me look at you, just once more.

  He really should not have asked that. This should not have crossed his mind.

  - Juli, please.

  With this request, I know I can not over it. I'll give him what he asks me for the last time. So I turn to face him, back me at the door when I see that it is right next to me.

  And now closely, I see the weariness in his eyes. His beard is growing, his hair is tousled. Augusto seems too distracted. Something that is not characteristic of him. Do not feel sorry for him, Juli. I do not think he is suffering.

  There is weak again.

  Augusto takes a step closer, but when you realize that closeness me over the door. Augusto shoves his hands in his pockets, sure to keep try to touch me and without thinking, I thank you for that, because I myself want to touch it. I want to kiss him and ask him to choose me. But I can not do that.

  I can not force anyone to pick me.

  - Need some document? - My voice breaks, but I can finish the question.

  He makes his head.

  - I want to ask you something. - Said looking at the floor. - I want you to be happy, which is always yourself. - One of his hands out of his pockets going to her hair. - I regret how it happened.

  My heart stops beating for a measly seconds.

  - But I do not regret having had you in thos
e days. Juli, look at me, please. - He asks me and so I do. When our eyes are concerned, I feel like a thunderbolt went through my body. - I will never regret it.

  But it's driving me the same way.

  - I just can not have you forever. - It reaches my wrist and I let him touch me. - You deserve someone who gives you everything and I'm not that person. - Augusto intertwines our hands. - I will not apologize because I do not deserve you, but I want you to know that you have been, and will always be special to me. - His other hand touches my face. - You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. His personality hit me in full. I'll take you forever in my heart, but I can not do this with you.

  Augustus takes a step back.

  - I will not be doing your difficult days here, I will talk to you as soon as possible, just asking necessary. - Augusto sits on your desk. - I want to thank you for helping me to adapt here, for having patience with me.

  I stare at him as if watching a horror movie.

  It is the last blow that Augusto hits me.

  - It's just that, sir? - I open the door and stare at him before leaving.

  Without lifting his head he dispenses me.

  - Only this, Juliane!

  As a zombie, I walk up to my room with my heart just pumping blood to my body. The only function that it has at that time.

  Sitting in front of the computer that was my faithful companion in all this time, I realize that I have made my decision.

  Ω

  - I can only regret so Juli. - Your Duarte says folding his hands on the table. - I did not expect this and to be honest, I always thought you would end up retiring here.

  I grab his hands, trying to comfort him, and me too.

  - I'm sorry to leave you in the hand, but I really need to go. If it were not so important, I would find a way, but it's something I can not change. I know I'm going out with only the days worked ...

  - Of course not. - It is he who shakes my hand now. Her brown eyes convey her sadness, but also thanks. - You did so much for this company and it's time it do for you. I'll talk to Cristiane and you will leave with all rights, I should like to pay the holidays. - He shakes my hand again. - I know we will never get someone like you, but I thank you very much everything you did for me, for Karina and the company. - He smiled. - I lost a large desk, but I will not lose a friend and daughter.

  No endure more, I get up and go to him to hug him.

  All this will be one of the things I'll miss. Will I lose a little family I have here. The follies I have to pack, colleagues who are always making me laugh in some way. Even babysit I'll miss. Mr. Duarte hold me tight, I feel all your love for me when he caught me. I can not and I start to cry softly.

  - I'm going to miss her, Juli. - My boss squeezes me more into his embrace. - But if you're doing that, I can not do anything, but to support it in its decision.

  - Thanks. You sure are the best boss I'll have. And it was a great dad whenever I needed it. - I pull away from him and cleaned my tears. - I thank you very much for everything you did for me. I will always carry you in my heart and Karina.

  He caresses my hair and kisses my cheek once.

  - If you need something, whatever it is, you can ask me, I will do what I can to help you.

  Thinking like this.

  - There's one thing I do not trust anyone else to do.

  Judgment Day.

  Leo beside me, nervousness seems to give a little for a few minutes, but this changes when three women arrive in the same room with me. Two of them are with husbands, I think. And the youngest is with a young man at his side.

  - They are also victims of the disgraced. - Charles, the company lawyer, whispers. - Do not worry, you will not have to stand in front of him.

  Wave to him and squeeze the hand of my friend.

  - I thought that Augustus would be here with you.

  My body tenses with the mention of his name.

  I also wanted him to be here and said he would stay with me forever. But he can not, as it has committed to a blonde who can give him everything he wants.

  Thinking about it makes me create the hatred that I really need. But not last long, because my heart is too stupid and lives remembering that I love and will be hard to forget it. Why am I still seeing him every day.

  - How about we have lunch at your barbecue tomorrow?

  My friend asks when Charles is called to the room with the judge and prosecutor.

  - If you pay! - I try to play and to you, but I'm not so much fun.

  I do not know what will be decided there. And I'm too excited to think about eating and making plans. My friend knows what I'm doing. He, my boss and the HR manager, are the ones who know that I'm leaving. It's better this way, I do not want to have to keep explaining about my decisions to anyone else.

  - If I'm calling is because I'll pay, Juliane. - Leo pinches my hand. - So I'll be able to enjoy my friend a little more before she went.

  I lay my head on his shoulder and hug the waist.

  - Sorry to be leaving so you too fast. But it's happening a lot and I can not even tell you about it. - Leo holds me by the shoulders and stroking my arm. - Do not want you to be worried about me, when you should only be concerned with you.

  He snorts and shakes me more.

  - I'll always worry about my best friend, even if it goes away, thus leaving me alone.

  My turn to snort.

  - You are not alone. You will just be without your doing anything when accumulate a lot of work.

  Ω

  Charles leaves the room after two hours and with him two lawyers who seem to be other women who are in the room with me. He looks at Leo, who understands what he means.

  - Come, Juli. We go to a quieter place.

  I get hard when I think it all went wrong. Leo realize my stress and is quick to me cherish.

  - It's okay, Juli, just want to get you out, okay? No more stress to my friend.

  Leo follows Charles out of me clinging forum on his arm. Leo walks slowly, thinking of me not to fall. But I'm surprised that I'm not running out of here. I think it's all the accumulation of emotions that are in me. And it makes me be sluggish all day.

  - Juliane! - The three of us stopped when we heard my name. Leo is the first to turn, he tenses against me when you put in front of me. I'm on tiptoes to see who calls me and my body is harder than I remember. I do not think I can handle it. Not today at least.

  - She is not able to speak to you today, man. You can talk later.

  Eduardo is not provoked with the protection that my friend has on me.

  - I know, I was the case prosecutor it.

  Both me and my friend stayed openmouthed.

  - That makes sense. - Charles tells me. He realizes that I'm looking at him and explains me. - I do not understand how your process was quick to have the judgment and when the prosecutor called my office wanting to confirm your data, I suspected that he could meet you. - He looks at the guy who is walking up to me. - Now it makes sense. He managed to streamline your process.

  Eduardo did it?

  - I thought if you could have lunch with me. - My ex boyfriend seems to beg for it.

  Leo stares at me wondering whether I will accept or not.

  I have no idea why the enormous need to talk. He asked me to dinner when I was attacked. And now his desperation for a lunch. I think I owe it to him, since it ran with my process, not only helping me, but like other women too.

  Grip the arm of my friend and smile at him.

  - It's okay, Leo. It's just a lunch. - I look at my friend. - And it's the only opportunity to say goodbye to him.

  - It's all right. - He looks at Eduardo. - Leave it at home, right? I brought in my car.

  Eduardo nods emphatically.

  - Of course. - Eduardo nods to follow him. - Come, we eat that hot dog that you like so much.

  And he did what he promised. He brought me to the cafeteria that has the hot dog that I love. The waiter is quick to meet us and in a matter of s
econds, I'm trying to eat my lunch.

  Eduardo realizes that I'm not hungry.

  - This is new to me. - He points to my lunch untouched. - You not hungry is something I do not know. - It serves some soda in his glass. - It's about today?

  Wave not. I do not even want to be here.

  - Can you tell me what you want to talk to me?

  Edward stares at me for a few seconds and let the napkin on the table. He seems to understand that I do not want to be here. He must remember that I am not a person who like to curl me.

  - Direct, is not it? I had forgotten that you are a person who likes everything in clean dishes. - Eduardo sighs. - I just want you to know I regret a lot of things I did to you. I can not go back, I can just go with my decision. But in all these years, I always had in my heart the desire to say how you were important to me, Juli. I may not have given the value you deserve, but I gave you what I could.

  - But left me for a job ...

  Eduardo gets my blow. By the way her eyes widened, I know he did not expect that.

  - Yes I did it. And I'm not proud any little for it. But I have to tell you, Juliane. You did not do anything wrong. That nothing I did had to do with you. My decisions were selfish and petty. There is nothing wrong with you, Juli. You are the woman that any man would be pleased to call his own. And who has it, must thank God for the great gift that is.

  I stare at him. And even after all these years, I know he's telling the truth.

  - Thanks for not choosing me. - I mean getting up. - Thank you for showing me that the world is not that fairy tale that always imagined.

  He looks stunned.

  - I loved you, too. I idolized as you've never done with anyone. And I hope that all the decisions made, have been the right. Because you can not change anything. Just try to improve their future, as I will do now. And thanks for your help. This I will never forget.

  That said, I grab my bag and walk away from the cafeteria.