The Eternal Moment

by DEMETRIO VERBARO

  Because of his wild gambling, he had first lost his days and then his entire life. It was like if he had been swallowed up by a dark fog.

  The thing that had pained him the most was that he had compromised his relationship with Jessica.

  "I wanted to be with her all my life, but I've ruined everything," Sidney had thought, while, with a big stone, he was hunting lizards to have something to put in his mouth.

  With a lot of effort he climbed down the steps of his rat hole. He pulled up the collar of an old and dirty black raincoat and, as he did every afternoon, he headed into town to beg at the entrance of the church.

  Once, he was wearing elegant designer clothes. Now, he had to wear the same clothes for days. Under his raincoat, he had a ragged sweater that kept him warm during the cold periods, while during the good weather he put on a t-shirt with a hole in the right armpit. In his feet, he wore sandals with worn-out soles. He had no more clothes to wear.

  Sidney walked unsteadily. He felt weak, useless and empty. He had fallen into the dark and deep cesspool of despair.

  The hardest thing, now, was that having neither money nor the ability to get loans, he could no longer gamble.

  The first few days without gambling had been an ordeal. He felt the physical need to gamble. His body was shivering, his mind confused, and his heart trembling.

  In his rat hole, he sat down on an old sofa with holes and spent hours and hours staring at a white moldy wall.

  His gaze was lost. His nails were bitten to the flesh of the fingertips. He stunk. He could no longer go to the bathroom. He was dripping sweat. Abstinence was terrible. Several times the idea of suicide had crossed his mind and he would probably have done it. If he had been lucid, he would have carried that insane act, but his mind was too confused. He could not get up from that couch even to pee.

  His mind was full of tics. He began to suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder): he moved the objects up to adjusting them to the millimeter of the position that he considered right. When he left the house and closed the door, he had to push it seventeen times to make sure it was closed. Every time that he pushed it, he associated the number to someone: "1) this is for Jessica, ok is closed. 2) This is for me. Ok it is closed ... 3) this is for safety. Ok is closed 4) this is for ... »

  If he didn’t associate a name to the number, he was not sure if he has arrived to seventeen times and then he felt physically ill and had to start over.

  As time passed, though, all these horrible feelings started to wane. Little by little Sidney was able to take back the control of his mind.

  Like all pathological addictions, however, also the dependency on sports gambling had to be addressed and overcome every day. The fact that today we did not relapse, did not mean that the next day we would be safe.

  Sidney was not stupid, he knew that the battle against his illness was endless, non-stop, and that he could not afford to lose or give way.

  One Sunday, he was begging on the steps of the church. Ms. Rossani, a woman of forty years that, given all the problems she had in the teeth and her tendency to gain weight, she looked at least sixty. She looked at him in disgust. She clutched herself in her fur and said to her friend in a loud voice so that he could hear her.

  «But how did he end up like this? He's horrible, a monster! »

  Sidney did not respond to the provocation. He smiled at her and thought: "You are mindless and heartless. All you do is gossip about everybody. You are wearing a living being. You're still single because you cannot give warmth. I can only ask you one thing: how did you end up like this if you go to church every day? "

  Every time that he found a few euros in his pockets from the almsgiving, he went to the supermarket to buy something to eat but he felt the urge to take those euros, go to the gambling room and gamble them in a sports bet.

  As it happened to those who suffered from pathological addictions, the extent of his obsession was given by the things that they did not realize, from the elementary needs that his conscience did not recognize anymore. So, even if he had not eaten for days and he was starving, he had to make a superhuman effort to buy milk instead of wasting them in gambling.

  In town he was known to everyone as "The American tramp."

  The children of middle and high school laughed at him shouting:

  «Over3,5 - 1X - under 1,5- goals» and threw stones at him, obviously from a safe distance. They knew that with that half-crazy big ape they were taking a big risk.

  CHAPTER 14

  Sidney got on the bus 26 and sat down on the seats in the back.

  Next to him a young girl of sixteen, with black curls and a cheerleading uniform, was sending text messages. Her fingers were moving so fast on the keyboard of her mobile phone. To his left, there was a thirty-year-old man, fair-skinned and with leather sandals on his feet. He was listening to music on the headphones attached to his IPhone. At the next stop, a black man got up on the bus. He was bald and physically imposing. He didn’t sit, with one hand he was holding on the pole and with the other he was holding an IPad, where he was watching a movie with Jim Carrey.

  None of those present on that bus talked to the others and, except for Sidney, each of them had their eyes fixed on some electronic device.

  People with their minds clouded by technology, by a consuming society that forces them to live desires that they don’t have, demands that their hearts do not feel. They reach a point where they forget who they really are and what they want to do with their lives.

  Sidney got off in the East Village, he wanted to walk, and walked up to Central Park.

  He arrived to the Conservatory Water and sat down on a bench. He watched the children play with the bronze statue of "Alice in Wonderland" and suddenly, seeing the smiling faces of those brats, he started to feel happy.

  Nearby, a child of about ten years and his older brother were playing soccer.

  The child was wearing black shorts, while the older boy was wearing a black sweatshirt, on which a lynx was dancing, the mascot of the New York University

  Sidney asked:

  «Can I take two shoots with you? »

  The boy stared at him in astonishment, then gloated amused:

  «I saw you in class. You are Professor Baldini’s friend. »

  «Former friend. Should we start? »

  «Ok, we have to dribble without dropping it to the floor. »

  A few minutes later a middle-aged man came. His face was marked by deep wrinkles, gray hair, two very intense green eyes and he was very nicely dressed.

  He announced with much satisfaction:

  «Here are your milkshakes boys, one pistachio and one chocolate. »

  But as soon as he saw Sidney, the man dropped the milk shakes and screamed in astonishment:

  «My goodness! »

  The college boy was furious. «Come on dad, you just wasted both of them, but what has gotten into you? »

  «I'm sorry buddy, here you go 10 dollars, take William with you and go get another two. »

  The man's gaze was fixed in Sidney’s eyes.

  «You've become a man. » he said walking towards him.

  Sidney reached out. «Do not come any closer, please! » and he walked away.

  The man ran after him, caught up with him and took him by the arm, forcing him to stop.

  «Wait, son! »

  Sidney looked at him with fire in his eyes and said sadly:

  «You do not for how long I waited for you Donald. Every night I hoped and I prayed to God that the next day you would come to get me from Mosorrofa and bring me back here with you. »

  The man's voice was timid, broken. «Why are you calling me Donald? Call me dad. »

  Sidney let out words full of anger:

  «Fuck you Donald Dempsey! »

  «Why didn’t you ever answer my letters? »

  Sidney had a moment of hesitation. «I never received any letters. »

  His father opened his arms and said scornfully:


  «I knew it. Your mother must have hidden them. Actually, I’m sure that she threw them in the trash. »

  Sidney knew that Nicoletta was capable of that and more.

  The man put his hand on his arm. «Listen, I ... »

  Sidney shook off that hand vehemently. «No, now you’ll listen to me. Fuck the letters, you had to take a fucking plane and pick me up. You abandoned me. I loved you and you abandoned me. » Then he added aloud:

  «And now finally I understand why. How old is your oldest son? »

  The man was silent.

  Sidney almost attacked him:

  «Answer. For once in your life have some balls. How old is he? »

  With a hiss of voice Mr. Dempsey replied:

  «Twenty two. »

  Sidney raised his fist. He wanted to hit him with all his strength. Donald did not move. He wanted to get that punch. He needed it. He closed his eyes and tensed his muscles, waiting for the searing pain.

  The boy lowered his arm. «I won’t hit you. You do not deserve my anger. You are not worthy of my hate. I only want to give you indifference. You had two families. Mom found out and ran away. »

  «I'm so sorry. »

  «My mother did not love me. She took me with her just to hurt you, but she miscalculated everything because you didn’t give two shits about me. She is not worth anything, but you are less than nothing. »

  «It's not true. Forgive me, I beg you. »

  A hysterical laugh came out from his mouth, then he immediately went back to be serious. «Since I was a child I was convinced that you had divorced because of me. I grew up with that weight. I only wish I could forgive myself for a crime I never committed. »

  His eyes were foaming with rancor. «Goodbye Donald. »

  The man cried out in a heartbreaking voice:

  «Please forgive me. I was wrong. I was a coward. I always thought of you. I missed you so much. I'm ready to start over again. »

  «It's too late. »

  «It's never too late. Come let me introduce you to your brothers. »

  Sidney grabbed him by the throat, pushed him against the wall and spat in his face words of charged with poison:

  «Listen to me. Those two guys are not my brothers, because I do not consider you my father. The name of my only brother is Giuseppe and I have mortally wounded him. I'm trying to steal his girlfriend, the only love of his life. I'm a bastard just like you and mom. Goodbye, it is best that we do not meet again; otherwise there is a risk that I'll kill you. »

  A glimmer of desperation shone in the man’s eyes. «Do you remember this statue? I used to bring you here every Sunday. I was not always a bad father. I beg you my son, give me another chance. If your mother had left you with me, we'd have been happy. »

  Donald Dempsey was right. He hadn’t been a bad father. From Monday to Friday, he used to get up at six, he shaved, he put on his tie, he went to the office and sat behind a desk. But on Saturday and Sunday he kept a long beard, put on his sunglasses and took Sidney for a motorcycle ride, or to play in Central Park, or rented a boat and sailed the Hudson River. But Donald Dempsey had not been a good father either, because being a good father does not come with a deadline.

  The boy said with a lucid resignation:

  «You had to come get me. Donald, you had to come get me. » and walked away.

  As he walked very quickly, Sidney turned and saw in the distance, for the last time in his life, the figure of the man bent with grief and muttered to himself with a voice full of sadness:

  «Goodbye Daddy. »

  CHAPTER 15

  Dark and threatening clouds were swallowing a shy sun. Giuseppe took the green umbrella that was stuck in the closet of the hallway in his cramped apartment. Despite having been in England for nearly three years, he had yet to get used to that cold climate.

  She took a bus and arrived at the entrance of the university.

  He walked hurriedly towards the Radcliffe Camera, the reading room of the Bodleian Library in the heart of the city of Oxford. He had to find material for the thesis that he had to present in a week to Professor Dalton.

  Sitting comfortably on the back of a chair made of oak, Giuseppe immersed himself in reading the "Beyond the Pleasure Principle" Freud.

  After a few minutes he heard the roar of a thunder that rattled the heavy crystal chandeliers of the library. Immediately after that an angry and relentless patter of rain hit the windows. "Damn, it always rains here" Giuseppe thought sombered.

  Puffing, he closed the book that he was researching, and glanced at the cell phone which he had put in silent mode to avoid disturbing other people: fourteen missed calls from Jessica.

  Worried, he immediately called the girl:

  «Hey, hello, what's up? »

  A boy sitting next to him, with blond hair and with a tired look, said calmly but resolutely:

  «Shhhh! There is no talking in here and the mobiles should be kept switched off. »

  Giuseppe took the umbrella and left. The wind whistled and shook the heavy branches of the trees. It was dark, the street lights were short circuited and the only light that was there was the one that came from inside the library. It colored the lawn with restless shadows.

  The man had a bad feeling. Quickly he typed his friend's number. «Jessica, sorry

  if I hung up the call, but there was a student bothering me, but who did he ... »

  The girl interrupted him. Her voice sounded sad and worried, although she tried to disguise the seriousness of the situation:

  «Please shut up and listen to me. Here it goes my friend, you see ... the thing is ... » She could not find the right words to tell him, so she said everything in one go, without beating around the bushes:

  «Your mother got sick. The doctors said that it is a tumor."

  The man's voice was screaming in pain: «What? Jessica what are you saying? When did it happen? »

  With guilty voice, she answered:

  «Two months ago! »

  Giuseppe was furious. «And you are telling me just now? »

  «Wait, your mother didn’t even want me to tell you. She made me swear. She didn’t want me to distract you from your studies. She was waiting for you to come during the Christmas break. It is just that she is getting worse quickly, so I felt the need to break that oath and warn you, because I don’t know if ... I don’t know if ... »

  Giuseppe whispered under his breath:

  «You do not know if ... »

  «I don’t know if she will make it to Christmas» those last words arrived to the boy’s phone at the same time than the noise of the sounds of Jessica crying.

  Giuseppe released his grip on the handle of the umbrella that the wind carried it away. The rain was drenching him but he didn’t even notice. By now it was raining heavily. The female students ran lifting the long wide skirts of their uniforms as to not to get them wet. The students were sheltering their heads under the books. Giuseppe, however, was immobile, in both body and mind.

  Despite the fact that there were a few months left until graduation, he immediately abandoned his studies and returned to Reggio Calabria.

  He worked on the family land. He found a part-time job as a waiter and all the time that he had left was dedicated to the care of his mother.

  There was no more time for studies, for dreams, for aspirations.

  His mother, in her few moments of lucidity, begged him to return to England, that she would hire a caregiver or she would move to a nursing home.

  «But you must not throw to the wind all those years of hard work and sacrifice. »

  «Mom life is like this. It does not always go as we want. I made my choice and I’m begging you on dad's soul, to respect it. »

  The woman knew that when he named his father, it meant that he would be adamant and would not have changed his mind, so she gave in.

  The disease progressed more quickly than the doctors had expected. It was as if she was in a hurry to die.

  Besides, that was
the only way to free her son, to save him.

  She often refused to eat. Her face looked like a skull. Her hair had fallen almost completely. When she slept her mouth was open as if she was calling for death.

  It was painful for the boy to see the state in which his mother was right then. His heart was clenched in his chest, but he never failed to fill her with kisses, hugs and cuddles.

  At night, like he had done since his father had died, he laid down next her and held her hand.

  Giuseppe was much thinner. The physicist could not withstand the physical and mental stress to which he was being subjected.

  Jessica visited him often. She tried to help him. She forced him to eat more. She took care of his mother when he was working.

  Jessica had changed a lot since the last time he had seen her, before leaving for Oxford. She was no longer a girl. She had become a young woman. A beautiful woman! He still had the same candor and the same grace as before, but combined with a sensual and shrewd expression.

  But not even the love for the girl could lift his spirits. His mother now, increasingly, had fewer moments of lucidity, but during one of these, she noticed the sorry state to which her son had been reduced and her heart began to feel tired of beating.

  It was a quiet afternoon in September, but in the air there was already the scent of autumn, that smell of soil soaked by the rain, so intense that it penetrated the nostrils. The leaves in the trees were starting to turn yellow. The sun was covered by gray clouds. The air was charged with the electricity of an impending storm.

  Mrs. Baldini wearily warned her son that she would take a nap on the couch.

  «Okay I'm going to the garden to feed the animals and to close them in their houses, in a little while

  it will start raining. » He gave her a kiss on the cheek. «Mom, I will return in a second»

  Margherita hugged her son and returned the kiss on the cheek, then she held him tighter and whispered in his ear:

  «I love you. I'm very proud of you and I could not have had a better son. I apologize if I have done something wrong. Please forgive me for my detachment and for all other errors. »