Her Longed-For Family

by Jo Ann Brown

  “She said that?” Carrie had never guessed Mother had ever mentioned her oldest daughter’s inability to conceive.

  “Yes. I didn’t know what she was talking about then, but I have figured it out in the ensuing years. I know you are happy for Elisabeth, but...”

  “There is no but. I am very happy for Raymond and Elisabeth. Beginning, middle and end of the story.” She smiled at her sister. “You are sweet to think of me, but I plan to be one of the first to hold the baby.”

  “I am relieved to hear that.” Susanna paused, then asked, “Is not being able to have a child the reason you have never remarried?”

  “It is not prudent to marry when one has not found the right person.”

  She waved her hand to dismiss Carrie’s trite words. “You are being evasive. Answer me.”

  “I thought I did.”

  “Perhaps you gave me an answer, but you haven’t given me the answer. The real answer. I saw Lord Warrick with you and Gil. You looked happier than I have seen you since John died.”

  “He has mentioned several times he does not wish to marry now when he has to devote his time to the mines.”

  “Yet he has time to play in the snow with you and Gil. Would you marry him if he asked?”

  She shook her head, unable to say the words, which would shut the door on her heart’s desire.

  “Tell me one thing,” Susanna said. “How do you know you cannot conceive?”

  “I was told by the woman who was the midwife in Porthlowen at the time. She said after so many years of trying, it was unlikely I ever would, especially as I was past thirty years old then.”

  “She may be wrong.”

  “She may be right. I cannot marry when I am not sure.”

  “So you are making the decision for you and Lord Warrick without giving him the courtesy of telling him the truth?”

  Carrie forced a smile. “You are talking about something that has not happened and is unlikely to happen. As I told you, Jacob has no interest in marrying now. If he were to change his mind, his marrying Miss Bolton would please his family.”

  “But what would please him? I see him with you and the children, and there is no doubt he is happy with you.”

  Not wanting to repeat the conversation she had had with Beverly Warrick, Carrie excused herself. Why did no one else understand that no matter how happy Jacob might be with her now, his happiness would sour when he learned the truth? They could not wed, and when he decided to marry someone else, their friendship would have to change.

  She intended to relish every moment, knowing each one could be the last.

  * * *

  Jacob listened for the sound of the beam engine over the waves on the shore. He had spent yesterday afternoon and half the night working with Pym to get it running again.

  Beverly had not hidden her vexation when he had excused himself from a family gathering with Miss Bolton in the parlor yesterday. His stepmother’s complaint he spent less time at Warrick Hall than he did elsewhere probably was valid, but her accusation he was at Cothaire too often was not. He had not called there as frequently as he would have liked.

  He knew he could not leave matters as they were. He had caught irritation festering in Miss Bolton’s eyes when she thought he was not looking. Other than their one curtailed tea, they had not been alone together once.

  Maybe Pym was right when his assistant said Jacob did not need to come to the engine house whenever the steam engine stopped. Certainly, almost every time, Pym was the one who discovered the source of the problem and could fix it without help.

  Even if his assistant was correct, Jacob knew he could not remain away when the beam engine halted. The first thing he did each time was to make sure everyone had escaped the mine. The thought of someone dying while he did nothing left him nauseated.

  However, spending time with his family was important, too. He wanted them to feel at home. Again he wondered if his brother had revealed the truth to the others. The next time he had a chance to speak with Emery, he must ask.

  “Listen,” Jacob urged, looking at his family who stood by the closed carriage not far from the Porthlowen church. They had a splendid view of the cliffs’ double curve which sheltered the cove. They were bundled up against the cold. A resonant boom came from the base of the outer cliff. “That is the sound the water makes when it builds up in a tunnel within the cliff. The tide washes in, leaving more water than can drain away before the next wave. When the tunnel cannot hold any more, it explodes out.”

  He waited for them to respond. No one spoke, and he had to admit they looked miserable.

  With a sigh, he wondered how they could insist he spend time with them and then act as if they wished they were anywhere but with him. They had agreed when he offered to give them a tour of the area and now exhibited no interest in anything he showed them. So far, he had taken them to see the engine house and the foundations from an ancient settlement on the moor before coming to the cove.

  Helen and her sister had complained about the dirty floor in the engine house, and he could not help thinking of Carrie sitting there when she had brought the meal they had shared with Pym. Beverly had no interest in walking across a field to see the foundations, because her boots were too low for the deep snow. He had hoped the tunnel in the cliff would intrigue them, but they clearly were too chilled to care about anything but returning to Warrick Hall. Helen and Miss Bolton had done nothing but grouse about the wind and the cold.

  He was about to suggest they curtail the rest of the tour when the happy sound of bells came from the road leading to the village. Two sleighs came over the crest. One rushed past, and Arthur and his wife waved before they were quickly out of sight.

  The other sleigh slowed. His grin returned when he heard Gil shout to him over the bells. The little boy was sitting next to Carrie, who held the jingling reins. She stopped the brightly painted sleigh close to the carriage. It had a single seat and a flat area, making it look more like a wagon than a buggy.

  Miss Bolton put a hand on his arm, startling him so much he recoiled. She tightened her hold on his sleeve, but her face wore the same cool smile it always did when Carrie was present. When he glanced at Beverly, his stepmother was looking from him and Miss Bolton to Carrie, clearly waiting to see what would ensue. His brother and Helen climbed into the carriage in an obvious attempt to get warm, but his sister-in-law peeked past the lowered curtain on the door.

  “Good afternoon!” Carrie called. “I have wonderful news to share, Jacob. Joy’s first tooth came through this morning. She is proud of it and showing it off to anyone who will stand still long enough to look into her mouth.”

  “She should be proud,” he said with a laugh. “She suffered for that tooth.”

  Beverly laughed from behind the scarf she had pulled up over the lower half of her face. “Now maybe you can sleep better.”

  “Not likely.” Carrie rolled her eyes. “Another one is already bothering her.”

  “If it is next to her first tooth, it should come in more easily,” his stepmother assured her.

  “I hope you are right. She has many more to go.” She paused as Gil stood up and whispered in her ear. She nodded, then asked, “Would you and your family like to join us, Jacob?”

  “Where are you bound?” he asked as Miss Bolton stiffened beside him.

  “Gil and I volunteered to collect holiday greens for the house while Arthur and Maris help Elisabeth with scenery and costumes for the Nativity play. You are welcome to come along with us and see where we find our greenery. You can gather some for Warrick Hall.”

  He was astonished when Miss Bolton said, “That sounds lovely.”

  Beverly stared at the young woman by his side, and her eyes narrowed. Was his stepmother as dumbfounded as he was by Miss Bolton’s words? Only moments ago, she had been
complaining about the cold and saying how eager she was to get indoors before the wind chapped her lips and cheeks.

  Telling himself not to ponder on the mysteries wrapped up in Miss Bolton, he checked with Beverly and his brother and Helen before he told Carrie they would follow her. He assisted his stepmother into the carriage, then offered to do the same for Miss Bolton. She did not release his hand as she turned in the cramped space to face him.

  “Do ride with us, Jacob,” she cooed, but her eyes suggested it was more of an order than a request.

  “I have my horse.”

  “You can tie it to the carriage.”

  He withdrew his hand from her grip, wondering momentarily what he would do if she refused to relinquish her hold. She did let go, and her eyes snapped with vexation.

  “I will ride Shadow,” he said as he stepped away.

  “Are you sure?” Beverly asked. “You are welcome to join us in here. We can make room.”

  “I am sure.”

  He strode to his horse after telling the coachman to follow him and the sleigh. When he signaled to Carrie, she edged the sleigh into packed snow along the road. He followed and smiled when Gil waved eagerly to him again. Cheerful jingling filled the air along with the creak of the carriage lumbering after them.

  Shadow shook his mane impatiently, and Jacob let his horse catch up with the sleigh. Shadow never liked not being in the lead.

  “Thank you for the invitation,” he said to Carrie as he drew even with her.

  “I thought coming with us would offer your family a chance to see more of the area,” she said.

  “Perhaps, but they have not appreciated the tour I have given them thus far.” He outlined what he taken them to see.

  When she laughed, he was perplexed. “What is funny?”

  “I see I forgot one important lesson for you. When you are someone’s host, you need to entertain them with what they would enjoy. Not what you enjoy.”

  He chuckled, amused by her comment, but even more delighted by her crimson face. The bright red accentuated her high cheekbones and her eyes the color of a blue sky through an icicle. There was nothing cold about them, however, for they burned with the heat at the very heart of a fire.

  “I will keep that in mind, Professor Dowling,” he said, then asked Gil what he had been doing.

  The child talked with barely a pause to catch his breath. His little voice mixed with the sleigh bells to make a joyous holiday melody. More than once, Jacob had to hold back a laugh at Gil’s impressions of the world around him, and he saw Carrie’s lips quirk.

  Jacob’s eyes widened when Carrie turned the sleigh away from the road. Ahead of them was a tree-filled oasis amidst the raw desolation of the moor. The valley was little more than a cleft between two massive cliffs flanking a stream flowing into the sea. In its sheltered confines, greenery and trees grew with abandon as if to make up for the stark moorlands.

  “I had no idea there was such a place this close to the cove,” he said as he stared around him.

  “The soil here is richer and thicker than on the moor,” Carrie said as she stopped partway to the trees. “Here, trees can put down roots and survive the winds off the sea. Whenever I read a tale of fairies as a child, I always imagined they lived here.”

  He swung from the saddle. “Did you ever find one?”

  “No, but not for a lack of trying.”

  When he held up his hand for the reins, she gave them to him. He tied them to a tree and turned to help her out. As she put her hand in his, the carriage arrived and halted where the wagon tracks ended. He did not have to look in its direction to know Miss Bolton would be watching closely while he assisted Carrie from the sleigh.

  Confound it, he could not live his life to the expectations of a woman who seemed dedicated to a single idea: that he would ask her to marry. He treasured his friendship with Carrie.

  Is it truly only friendship you feel for her? asked a small voice within his mind. He ignored it now as he had each time it nagged him.

  “There is a saw as well as a hatchet in the back,” Carrie said as she lifted Gil from the seat. “Do you want to use one?”

  “I will take the saw.” He reached into the rear of the sleigh and pulled out both tools. Handing her the hatchet, he asked, “Gil, do you want to help me?”

  “Yes!” Gil bounced, sending snow flying in every direction.

  After Carrie outlined what she needed to decorate Cothaire, he took the little boy’s hand. He paused when he heard his stepmother call his name.

  He looked over his shoulder. Beverly looped one arm around her daughter-in-law’s as they and his brother walked to where Carrie had begun chopping sprigs of holly off a nearby bush as she sang a bright tune he recognized as a children’s song. When Gil joined the singing, Jacob wanted to as well, but he did not need a glance from his stepmother to know what she expected of him.

  Putting the saw in the sleigh, he told Gil to wait. The little boy, confused, nodded, and Jacob glanced at him again and again to make sure he did not wander off while Jacob plowed through the snow to the carriage.

  The door was open, and Miss Bolton sat as still as a statue. He waited for her to look at him, but she continued staring forward until he asked, “Miss Bolton, may I hand you down?”

  She shook her head. “No, thank you. It is too cold to be larking about.” She turned toward him and gave him a smile. “Would you drive me to Warrick Hall, my lord?”

  “You want to leave? Without everyone else?” He hid his amazement she would insist the others come and, as soon as they arrived in the dale, ask to leave. Comprehension came when Miss Bolton affixed a glare in Carrie’s direction. She wanted to keep him away from Carrie.

  “Why, Lady Caroline can bring them when she is finished here. She seems interested in being such a good neighbor. This will allow her the opportunity.”

  “There is not room for everyone in the sleigh.”

  “Then send the carriage back for them.” She reached for his hand.

  He clasped them behind him. “An excellent idea.”

  She smiled broadly, but it faded when he went on.

  “I will let the others know you wish to leave. If they want to go with you, then they can. Have a pleasant journey.” Stepping back, he called to the coachee to bring extra blankets from the boot for Miss Bolton. He told the driver to return after he had delivered Miss Bolton and anyone else who intended to leave immediately for Warrick Hall.

  He walked to where Carrie was directing Emery on which clumps of mistletoe to cut out of a high notch in a tree. His brother held a piece over her head and winked. Jacob acted as if he had not seen either motion as he asked his family if they wished to return to Warrick Hall because the carriage would take any of them who did not desire to remain outside.

  When they said they wanted to stay, he gave the signal to the driver to leave with his single passenger.

  “Isn’t Miss Bolton joining us?” Carrie asked as she gave Gil a small piece of holly to carry to the sleigh while the Warricks moved to collect some ivy wrapped around a tree.

  “No.” He lowered his voice, so his words did not reach his family. “She wanted me to take her to Warrick Hall and leave the others for you to bring when you were done.”

  “Oh.”

  “Is that all you have to say? Oh?”

  “Jacob, have you told her you have no intention of marrying now? You must, you know. For her sake as well as your own.”

  “You are right.” He needed to be honest with Miss Bolton that he was not going to ask her to be his wife. He would as soon as he returned to Warrick Hall.

  Carrie put her hand on his arm and gave him a gentle smile that set off fireworks in his center. “I will keep both of you in my prayers, because I know how difficult it will be for Miss Bolton, as well a
s you.”

  “Thank you,” he said, then asked, “How much do you need to gather? Enough for Cothaire and the church?”

  “Just Cothaire.” She swung the hatchet at a dense section of the shiny, green leaves. “Raymond would allow greenery to be placed in the sanctuary, but it would distress some of the older parishioners who cling to the tradition that holly, like mistletoe, doesn’t belong inside a church. Some parishioners would like to have it, but, even then, it should go into the church only on Christmas Eve.”

  “But you plan to bring holly and other greens into Cothaire before Christmas Eve.”

  “If we waited to begin decorating, we would spend the whole night hanging holly and ivy and mistletoe instead of lighting the Yule log and enjoying our other traditions. In addition, some of the servants wish to celebrate Christmas Eve with their families. We always have extra holly, so they take it home with them to decorate for Christmas and the new year.”

  Jacob got the saw from the sleigh and went to work, helping Carrie and his family pile greenery on the snow. He carried branches to the sleigh and placed them in the back.

  “Holly!” came an excited cry as a sprig slapped against his leg.

  Looking down, he smiled. “An excellent piece, Gil. Do you want to put it in the sleigh?”

  The little boy nodded, so Jacob lifted him high enough to let Gil drop the small piece of holly on top of the longer pieces.

  “More!” Gil rushed to where Carrie worked.

  The sleigh was almost full when the carriage returned. It did not take long for the men to stack greenery on top and tie it in place. As soon as they were finished, his family climbed inside, eager to return to Warrick Hall.

  “You should go with them, Jacob,” Carrie said.

  “And leave you with only Gil to safeguard you?”

  Her eyes twinkled like sunshine on the snow at the idea the toddler could protect her. “They are your guests. More important, they are your family.”