The Hitwoman Takes A Road Trip (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 17)

by Lynn, JB

  The cat snickered.

  “Cartoons?” the dog begged.

  “Sure, DeeDee,” I said, turning on the television and searching for an appropriate channel. “Here you go.” I looked to the cat. “Anything I can do for you?”

  “Getting him out of my hair is gift enough, sugar,” she mewled contentedly.

  “The feeling’s mutual,” God griped.

  “Enough,” I warned him.

  “Geronimo!” he shouted, diving straight from my shoulder into my bra.

  Leaving DeeDee engrossed in superheroes who seemed to be responsible for an awful lot of destruction of personal property, I pulled on a jacket, grabbed my phone and wallet, and ventured forth to find out what kind of trouble Armani was going to get us into.

  Chapter Two

  Climbing into the passenger seat of her car, I asked, “Where are we going?”

  “To find our destiny.” She floored it as we bounced backwards out of the driveway. “I pulled letters this morning and that’s what they spelled: destiny.”

  Deciding that finding our destiny probably required the wearing of a seatbelt, I quickly connected mine.

  “So what’s it like without Muscles in the house?” Armani asked.

  “Yesterday I had to open a jar of pickles all by myself,” I complained. It was a joke, but the truth was that I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to depend on Angel Delveccio in a very short period of time. The manny had definitely made my life easier and I found myself missing him more than I expected.

  “He’s a catch, that one,” Armani said, taking a corner a little too tightly.

  Grabbing the handle overhead, I revealed, “I agreed to go out on a date with him.”

  “Chica!” she crowed. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “He was persistent,” I admitted, remembering the soul-searing kiss we’d shared. “Kind of made it impossible to say no.”

  “Nothing wrong with a man who knows what he wants. Where are you going? What are you going to wear?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, I could help you pick something out.”

  “I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know when we’re going.”

  “You don’t know much,” Armani groused.

  “You can say that again,” God piped up from his hiding spot in my bra.

  Armani glanced over at the squeaking noise. “What did he say?”

  “Say?” I asked, alarmed. I couldn’t very well go around translating a lizard for her without ending up like my mom, a permanent resident of a mental health facility.

  “The lizard. What did he say?” Armani prompted.

  When I didn’t answer her, she shook her head. “Someday you’re going to have to trust me, Chica.”

  “I do trust you,” I protested.

  “Only up to a point.” She fell into a pouty silence.

  I stayed quiet too, feeling like there was nothing I could say that wouldn’t end up with her even madder at me. It wasn’t like I could explain to her that the only ones I truly trusted all had four legs.

  After we’d been driving in icy silence for a half hour, I finally broke down and asked, “Where are we going?”

  “To buy a castle.”

  I considered that possibility for a long moment. Armani had recently been a big winner of the lottery, so that wasn’t as outrageous a statement as it could have been.

  “Is it in this country?” I asked. “Because I didn’t bring my passport.”

  “No need.”

  “Is it in this state?” I wanted to know.

  “Cool your jets, Miss Daisy,” she retorted. “We’ll get there when we get there. Besides, this gives you a chance to tell me how things are going with Darlene.”

  I sighed at the mention of my sister. “It’s complicated.”

  Complicated was an understatement. Darlene had recently returned to the family fold having spent years on the run, while we had all believed her to be dead. She, her husband, and her daughters had moved into the house next to the B&B, and she was pretty much taking over my life.

  “How’s it going with Katie?” Armani prompted gently.

  “She loves Darlene and her girls,” I replied carefully. It still stung to know that Darlene was better at the mothering thing than I was and that my niece preferred her company to mine.

  “So you’re really going to give custody of her to Darlene?”

  I shook my head.

  “Even though it’s what Teresa wants?” Armani asked.

  The fact that Teresa, Katie’s dead mother, thought that she’d be better off with Darlene than me was a bitter pill to swallow.

  “Darlene wasn’t even an adult when Teresa knew her,” I complained. “How could she possibly have known that Darlene was her first choice to care for Katie?”

  “But she did,” Armani argued.

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Imagine how Marlene must feel,” Armani interrupted. “She’s the only sister Teresa didn’t name as a chosen guardian.”

  I hadn’t thought of that. Not that I would have considered Marlene, a former prostitute, to be “mother-ish” material. “I was only the last resort,” I murmured aloud.

  “What?”

  “I was the last resort. We all thought Darlene was dead, Marlene had run away years earlier, my mom’s in the loony bin, and my aunts are too old, I was the only one left to take care of Katie.” Even as I said the words, they sucker-punched me right in my solar plexus. Doubling over, I gasped for breath.

  “Breathe,” Armani urged.

  “Sensitive skin!” the lizard bellowed.

  Realizing I’d pressed my chest to my thighs, I jerked upright in my seat to take the pressure off God, who I’d just inadvertently crushed.

  “Breathe,” Armani said again.

  “I wasn’t the best option,” I gasped. “I was the only option.”

  The realization made my eyes burn. I blinked away the tears, fighting for control.

  Fortunately, Armani and God both stayed silent as I struggled to regain my composure. Unfortunately, neither of them told me that my epiphany was incorrect. That was another bitter pillow to swallow, considering how seriously I’d taken my guardianship duties. The things I’d done to provide the best for Katie…

  “I killed—” I began.

  “SILENCE!” God boomed in a voice that rattled the car windows. He scrambled out of my bra, over my chin, balanced on my nose, and looked me right in the eye. “Don’t. You. Do. It.”

  His proximity made my eyes cross as I tried to meet his stare.

  “You killed what?” Armani asked curiously, glancing at the lizard perched on my face, squeaking away.

  “Don’t you dare tell her,” God warned. “I don’t care how upset you are. If you go around blurting out that you killed people for Katie’s sake, you’re going directly to jail…or the facility…or more likely jail and then the facility.”

  I blinked twice and whispered, “Okay.”

  “You killed what?” Armani asked again.

  “Our adventure spirit,” I lied smoothly. “Sorry about that.”

  She shook her head as though she knew that wasn’t what the lizard had chimed in on. Then she shrugged. “My fault for asking if you were giving custody to Darlene.”

  “We’re going to try it on a trial basis first,” I said. “We’ll see how things go.”

  “I know it’s not what you want,” Armani sympathized.

  “I don’t know what I want,” I admitted tiredly, trying to process the idea that I was never what Teresa wanted. “I never wanted to be a mom, but then I had to take care of Katie and I thought that was going to be my role in life, but now that’s being taken away…” I trailed off as a lump rose in my throat and tears stung my eyes again. “How can I be unhappy about losing something I never wanted?” I balled my hands into fists, trying to maintain control of my emotions.

  “You love her,” Armani said gently. “You did a lot for her.”

>   “A lot,” God agreed, reminding me that I’d become a paid assassin in order to get the best medical care for my niece.

  “He agrees with you,” I murmured.

  “So you admit it!” Armani crowed victoriously. “You do talk to the animals!”

  “Don’t confirm that,” God ordered.

  But I ignored him. I was tired of keeping secrets from everyone I know and considering that Armani talked to the spirits of the dead, I didn’t see any harm in sharing that I talk to my pets. “Yes. I talk to the animals. And yes, God agrees with you.”

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” God boomed.

  Armani glanced at me, grinning widely. “I knew I liked that little guy.”

  “He doesn’t like being called a little guy,” I told her as the car rocked back and forth while we inched down an unpaved driveway. “Do you know where you’re going?”

  “Do you?”

  “I’m just along for the ride,” I reminded her.

  “You’re along for the adventure,” she countered.

  “And what kind of adventure is that going to be?”

  “The spirited kind,” she said as we rolled around the corner and were met by a seemingly never-ending sea of our future.

  Chapter Three

  Acre after acre of mobile homes stretched out in front of us.

  “Road trip!” Armani shouted, pumping her fist in the air. “Isn’t this fabulous?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “I got the idea when I saw that freaky friend of yours.”

  “What?”

  “Your freaky friend.”

  “Who?”

  “The gal with that gorgeous pink RV.”

  I didn’t know what to respond to first: the fact that the pink Winnebago is hideous or that despite the fact she saved my life, the driver wasn’t my friend. I went with the more pressing question, “Why do you say she’s freaky?”

  Armani gave me the side-eye. “Are you kidding?”

  I shook my head.

  “That woman oozes psychic energy.”

  “She does?”

  “You didn’t sense it?”

  I shook my head. “That’s not really my area.”

  “Says the woman who talks to animals,” Armani scoffed. “Oh, excuse me, allegedly talks to animals.”

  “I’m not psychic,” I argued.

  “You’re gifted,” she countered. “But not like your friend. Just being near her makes my Spidey senses tingle. That’s why I peeled out of there when I first met her.”

  “Oh,” I said.

  “You really didn’t know?”

  I shook my head. “We’re not really friends. I just happened to run into her a couple of times.”

  Technically, the woman whose name is R.V. and who drives a giant, pink camper had literally run into someone else to save my life.

  Armani bit her lip considering that nugget of information. “I wonder if that was a coincidence.”

  Unwilling to engage in a conversation that could make me more paranoid than I already am, I hopped out of the car. “So you’re going to buy one of these?”

  Armani got out of the car slowly. “Yup, a castle on wheels. And you’re going to drive it.”

  “What?”

  She held up her injured hand. “You don’t really expect me to maneuver one of these beasts, do you?”

  She had a point. Still, I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “You don’t need a special license or anything. I checked.”

  “But—” I protested.

  “Look,” she interrupted. “The best way for this trial basis thing with Katie and Darlene to happen, would be for you to be out of the picture. I’ve been telling you for a long time that you need to take a road trip. This is the perfect time and the perfect reason.”

  “I can’t just abandon her,” I argued.

  “You’re not abandoning her. You’re leaving her in the custody of her aunt. You’re letting her stay with the person Teresa wanted.”

  “But…what if…?”

  “You don’t really think that Susan would allow anything to happen to her, do you?”

  I had to shake my head.

  “Trust me, Chica,” she urged softly. “I’ve got a really strong feeling that this is what you need to do.”

  “A psychic feeling?”

  “A gut feeling.”

  “How can I help you beautiful ladies?” an oily voice asked from behind us.

  Turning, I found a middle-aged guy with greased hair and a beer-gut striding up to us, his hand outstretched. “I’m Dave of Dave’s Deals.”

  I grudgingly shook his hand while gesturing at Armani. “She’s the one who’s buying.”

  “Armani Vasquez.” My friend managed to infuse her name with sex appeal.

  “Pretty name for a beautiful woman,” Dave replied smoothly, bending to kiss her offered hand.

  I fought the urge to gag.

  “What can I help you find today, Armani?”

  “The smallest Class C you’ve got on the lot, gas, not diesel, with twin beds, a decent awning, and an easy access shower,” she rattled off as though she knew exactly what she was talking about.

  Caught off guard, Dave blinked and then stuttered, “P-price range?”

  “The road’s the limit,” she quipped.

  “Then perhaps you should look at some slightly larger models. The greater the length, the higher the satisfaction.” The salesman smirked suggestively.

  I did gag a little at that one.

  Armani, though, appeared unfazed. “No. My friend here is a little bit worried about driving, so we’re looking for 21 feet or so.”

  Dave shrugged. “Suit yourself. Let me show you around. Follow me.”

  He waded into the jungle of vehicles, Armani and I following him on the safari.

  “I didn’t agree to do this,” I reminded her on a whisper.

  “Yet,” she countered. “But you will.”

  “I can’t just go traipsing around,” I countered. “If I’m not taking care of Katie, I need to get a job.”

  “Where?” she mocked. “We both know you’re not going back to Insuring the Future and you haven’t made much effort with your opportunity to go into real estate.”

  “I’ve been busy,” I said defensively, even though she was right.

  “So the way I see it,” she continued, like she hadn’t even heard me speak, “is that you can go back to working at The Corset…” she paused dramatically, which allowed me time to imagine the repercussions of working at Aunt Loretta’s lingerie shop…a job I despised, “…or,” she continued, “you can take a job as my chauffeur.”

  “Your chauffeur?”

  “Sure.” She shrugged. “I’ll pay you the same weekly rate we were getting paid at the insurance company and because I am an awesome boss, I’ll provide your food and housing.” She waved her hand at the motor homes surrounding us. “It’s a good deal.”

  “Take it!” God urged from his hiding spot in my bra.

  Armani smiled at the squeaking sound.

  “She’s right. The whole thing is the perfect solution,” God opined.

  “He agrees, doesn’t he?” Armani asked.

  I nodded.

  She beamed. “I knew I liked him.”

  “I feel the same about her,” God declared magnanimously.

  I didn’t pass the message along.

  “So you’ll do it?” she asked excitedly, grabbing my arm.

  “I’ll think about it.”

  She stuck out her lower lip in a pout. “Why the indecision?”

  Remembering the terrible time R.V., the owner of the pink Winnebago, had demonstrated when trying to park her vehicle, I said slowly, “Because I’ve never been behind the wheel of something this large.” I knocked on the side of the vehicle we were walking past.

  “I have faith in you, Chica,” she declared. “You can do more than you think you can.”

  I hoped she was right.
/>   Otherwise, we were in for trouble.

  While Armani trailed Disgusting Dave through the rows of vehicles in search of her perfect carriage, I wandered around on my own just so I wouldn’t have to listen to their sexually suggestive bantering.

  Rounding a corner, I almost collided with someone.

  I blinked at his familiar face, unsure of whether my mind was playing tricks on me. After all, an RV lot was the last place I’d have expected to find him.

  “What are you doing here?” he blurted out, giving voice to the very words hovering on the tip of my tongue.

  “My friend wants to buy one of these.” I waved my hand at the nearest vehicle.

  “Oh yeah? I’ll give her a good deal.” He waved his hand, the sun glinting off his pinky ring, almost blinding me.

  I stared at Tony Delveccio (or maybe it was his twin, Anthony, I can never tell them apart). The guy was a mob boss, not an oversized-car salesman.

  He chuckled at my confused expression. “I do got some legit businesses, ya know.” He tugged on the collar of his shirt, bringing attention to the fact he’d actually used the buttons, instead of having the fabric gaping open to his belly button.

  “Oh,” I replied weakly. “It’s a nice place.”

  He shrugged. “It turns a profit. No difference between this and the strip club I own down on Fifth Street.”

  “Different clientele,” I countered.

  “You’d be surprised at the amount of crossover,” he replied.

  We stood for an awkward moment, having nothing to talk about.

  “How’s Dominic?” I finally asked.

  “He’s good. Good. He’s the reason I’m here.”

  “Here?” I drew a big circle in the air with my finger. “Or here on Earth?”

  Delveccio shook his head. “Here at the legit business. I’m gonna go straight.”

  I blinked, unsure of how to respond to that. He and his brother were notorious mobsters. I wasn’t sure “going straight” was even an option for them.

  “I don’t want Dominic to grow up like I did, like his mom. It takes a toll.”

  “Growing up takes a toll on everyone,” I told him gently. I should know. I’m still doing it.

  “Yeah, but I want him to have the best of everything and that means being a law-abiding citizen.” He patted the side of the nearest camper as though it was his grandson’s ride to the straight and narrow. “I’ll run the family’s legit enterprises, my brother will run the other side of things, everyone will be happy.”