I’m desperate to see him—to see us—as he slides into me over and over. “Please, let me see you,” I beg on a breathy tone.
He doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t need to as he threads his fingers through mine and holds my hand. In this moment, this goes beyond the physical act of sex. This is so much more. My mind is vacant of doubt and in its place is nothing but love and trust. The two things I didn’t think I’d experience again.
“When you come, I want to hear it, Lydia. Understand?” I nod. “Don’t hold back. Give it all to me.”
I come hard and fast, shouting his name as my toes curl and my back arches. I try to draw in to slow the sensation overload I’m experiencing, but Marcus holds me in place, making sure I feel every single wave of pleasure. As soon as I finish, Marcus follows, finding his own release.
He lets out the most primal sound, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t make my core pulse some more. There’s nothing sexier than knowing you’re responsible for a sound like that.
He drops down on top of me and buries his head in my neck. Neither of us speaks as we try to catch our breaths and calm our hearts. He reaches behind me and undoes the blindfold.
“Wow,” is all I can say.
“Yeah, wow,” he agrees.
Slowly, he pulls out of me and goes to dispose of the condom. And I’m still hanging out spread eagle cuffed to this bed. When he comes back to the bedroom, he grabs his pants off the floor. “Hold on a sec and I’ll uncuff you,” he says.
I watch as he searches his pockets then his utility belt. “Uh oh,” he says after looking through them again. My heart stops and I already know what he’s going to say before I ask the question. “I can’t find the key.”
“Are you shitting me right now, Marcus?”
He tries to hold back his laughter but does a shitty job at it. “No, I don’t know where it went.”
“Well, you better figure it out quick.” I’m not going to lie, I’m getting pissed. How in the hell does he lose the key to his damn handcuffs? And if he can’t find them, what the hell are we going to do?
“Sorry, maybe they fell out of my pocket earlier. I’ll be right back.” Throwing his pants on quickly, he leaves the room.
I stare up at the ceiling waiting and planning his castration should we have to call someone for help. A few minutes later he returns, holding up the only thing that was going to save his life.
“I guess I dropped them out in the living room.”
“Smart move,” I deadpan, but I’m really glad he located them and we didn’t have to have someone come cut these off of me. That would have been mortifying.
Once I’m released, I throw on some underwear and a long T-shirt. He gets under the covers and holds his arm out for me to snuggle against him. I draw small circles on his bare chest with my fingers.
“I love you, babe,” he says softly.
“I love you too.”
Lydia
“SOMETHING’S OFF,” I say as my knee bounces up and down nervously.
“What do you mean?” Charlotte asks. It’s Saturday, which means Marcus is working, so we’re hanging out at my place.
“I don’t know. He’s just acting weird, secretive almost. He goes in the other room to take phone calls and he’s vague about where he’s going lately.”
“Lydia, it’s probably nothing. You’re thinking too much about this.” She places a comforting hand on my knee.
I shake my head. “I feel it in my gut. Red flags are going off everywhere and these are the same warnings I chose to ignore with Seth. The mysterious text messages I let him explain away as nothing. Not knowing where he was while he was out of town. I ignored my intuition because I didn’t want it to be true. I won’t let that happen again with Marcus. I can’t.” The thought alone makes me feel sick to my stomach. Surely he wouldn’t betray me like that. Then again, I thought the same about Seth.
We’ve been together for six months now, but in that time, I’ve grown to care about Marcus more than anyone before. If he did do something wrong, it would destroy me.
“Are you looking for red flags, or did something happen to make you worry?”
I nod. “Yeah, I caught him in a lie three days ago.”
Work has been a little slow this week, so I left the office early. Marcus gave me a key to his place about a week ago, so I decide to head on over and surprise him with dinner. I’m not a culinary genius, but I can usually wing it and whip up something decent when I need to.
After stopping at the grocery store, I let myself into his place and set about putting everything away and getting started. By the time I put the lasagna in the over, it’s a little after five, which is perfect timing and should be ready right as Marcus gets home.
While I wait for it to cook, I pour myself a glass of wine and have a seat in the living room. I picked up a new home magazine when I went shopping, so I flip through it to kill the time. I have a whole stack of these sitting in a basket in my living room, so I need another one like I need a bullet in my head, but it’s great for inspiration. When I’m stumped on a particular project, I look through a few of these to help me get a different angle on things.
The timer on the oven beeps, letting me know dinner is almost done. Pulling it out, I take off the aluminum foil and sprinkle mozzarella cheese all over the top before returning it to the oven to melt.
Marcus should’ve been home by now, but maybe something held him up before he left. He’s usually good about letting me know when he’s running late if he knows I’m here. Since I’m surprising him, it makes sense that he hasn’t called. I decide to give him a ring to make sure everything is okay.
The phone rings in my ear as I wait for him to answer.
“Hey, babe,” he answers.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“Oh, nothing, just got home from work about ten minutes ago. What about you?” I blink a few times not sure how to respond to his obvious lie. “Lydia? You there?” he asks after I don’t respond.
“Uh, sorry. I think you cut out a little. Did you say you’re at home?”
“Yeah, I just got changed. What’s up?”
Why is he lying? My heart rate accelerates as my biggest fears surface. He’s not being honest and he’s keeping something from me.
“N-nothing. I was just seeing how your day went.” My voice is tight despite trying to relax and sound normal.
“Hey, Marcus, are you coming in?” I hear a female voice say in the background. My heart drops to the floor. Static and scratchy noises follow, making me think he’s covering up the microphone so I can’t hear what he’s saying.
“It was good,” he replies. “Tiring, but good. Is everything alright?” A hint of concern coats his words, which enrages me. He can’t be concerned when he’s being dishonest.
“Everything’s fine. I can’t chat long; I’ve got a full redesign on a seven-thousand-square-foot house I need to prepare for, so I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay, I love you.”
“Bye.” I hang up and drop my phone as if it’s on fire, letting it hit the ground. My chest rises and falls rapidly as I struggle to remain calm. It could be nothing and I’m overreacting.
But it doesn’t feel like nothing.
Shit, this can’t be happening to me again!
The room starts to spin while closing in. I feel claustrophobic as the realization that I’ve found myself in the same situation as before hits me with the force of a thirty-foot wave. It pummels me, suffocating the life out of me while I struggle to get back to the surface. Only to have it hit me again and drag me down.
I’ve got to get out of here.
Searching around frantically for my stuff, I grab it and run out of there like my life depended on it.
“Did you wait for him to come home and call him out on his lie?” Charlotte asks.
I shake my head. “I pulled the lasagna out of the oven, took it home, and threw it in the trash.”
“So you never brought
it up or asked about that girl?” All I can do is shake my head again. “Lydia, you can’t bury your head in the sand again, otherwise you are doing the same thing as before.”
“I know, but I have no idea how to bring it up.”
“You just come out and say, ‘Hey, Marcus. I caught you lying because I was at your house and know you weren’t there. What gives?’ and go from there.”
“You make it sound so easy.” It should be, but it’s not. I’m reverting back to my old ways, and I know it’s because deep down I’m praying it’s not a big deal and it’ll work itself out. Then I won’t have to go through the drama or heartache if I’m wrong. You’d think I’d learn by now, but this is the very reason I avoided this shit from the beginning. I’ve become the doormat I swore I’d never be again.
“It is. Talk to him instead of worrying yourself sick over it.”
With a deep sigh, I say, “I will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
I’ve avoided Marcus for the last few days, making up excuses about being loaded down with work so I wouldn’t have to face him. I made a promise to myself that the next time we were together I’d confront him about his lie. I haven’t been in the right frame of mind and clam up every time the conversation comes to mind, but I know it’s now or never.
Marcus and I have been in the car for about twenty-five minutes, and I still haven’t said a damn word. I know he notices I’m unusually quiet, but he keeps to himself as I fester in my thoughts. Finally, I can’t let this eat at me anymore and speak up.
“Marcus, I need to talk to you about something.”
His brow furrows as his grip on the steering wheel tightens. “Sure. What’s up, babe?”
“Have you noticed I’ve been a little . . . distant lately?”
“Uh, a little maybe, but I also thought you were just busy with work. What’s wrong?”
“On Wednesday when I called you after work . . .”
“Yeah . . .” he responds, seeming to not know where I’m going with this. It pisses me off even more.
“Why did you lie about where you were?”
His eyes widen and I’m sure he wasn’t expecting me to hit him with that. “W-what are you talking about?”
“I was at your house, cooking you fucking dinner and you lie to me and say you’re home when you’re clearly not. Then I hear some chick in the background asking if you’re coming in. So what the hell is go—”
He holds up his hand to stop me. “Can we please have this conversation in about thirty minutes? We’re here and I don’t want it to ruin our night.”
My mouth falls open. Is this guy serious? “Um, no. How about we have it now before you have an opportunity to make up some elaborate story about how you’re not a lying, cheating shithead?”
He holds up his right hand. “On everything I love in this world, I promise I will tell you nothing but the truth. I can’t explain right now, but this is really important, so will you please come with me?”
My head is saying go to hell; my heart is telling me to have faith. I don’t know if it’s the way he’s looking at me, like his whole world might fall apart if I don’t say yes, but my heart wins. I climb out of the car and follow him through the entrance of Sarah P. Duke Botanical Gardens. I’ve never been here before and heard it’s stunning, but I’m sure I’ll be too stuck in my head to even notice.
It’s dark, but once we get through the gate, everything is lit up by lanterns and various spotlights. Any other day, I’d say it was romantic, but this looming cloud of uncertainty ruins it. The whole time we walk through this gorgeous scenery, I keep wondering what he has to tell me and what possible explanations he could have.
We stroll down the path, not touching or saying anything to each other. He’s giving me my space, which I’m grateful for, but it also makes me feel worse. Like he’s pulling away for a reason versus putting my mind at ease.
We must have walked for about forty-five minutes. From the little that I’ve actually taken in, this place is breathtaking. As we continue on, a sudden illumination catches my attention. They’ve set out white, paper bags with tea light candles lining each side of the walkway. Marcus grabs my hand, and I have to fight the unfortunate natural instinct to pull away from him.
The path winds around to the right, lit up by the surrounding lights. I stop in my tracks when I notice something in the distance in front of us. It looks like a sign, but I’m too far away to make out what it says. With measured steps, I inch closer until I can read what the lights strung through the board spell out.
Will you marry me?
My hand goes to my mouth as it drops open. Spinning around, Marcus is down on one knee, and I think I forget how to breathe.
Holding my other hand, he says, “Lydia, you have shown me more happiness than I deserve. My days are better because of you and I can’t imagine my life where you’re not in it. I promise I’ll take care of you and cherish you always. And I’ll even make sure I have an endless supply of pick-up lines to keep you smiling. Say you’ll be mine. Will you marry me?”
Oh, God.
I shake my head. “I can’t say yes until I know what’s going on, Marcus.” I won’t agree to committing myself to this man unless he’s open and honest with me.
He stands up. “What do you want to know? Ask me anything.” He stares into my eyes with such openness, it makes it easier to speak up.
“Where were you Wednesday?”
“When you called I was at the jeweler’s picking up your ring.”
I fire off the next question immediately after he answers the first. “Who was the girl in the background?”
“That was Megan. She’s the one who helped me pick it out, but I also know her from high school.”
“So, when she asked if you were coming inside . . .”
“I stepped outside to take your call when she went in the back to get your ring. I was afraid you’d hear something to tip you off as to what I was doing and ruin the whole damn thing I’d been planning. But she came out looking for me and that’s what you heard.”
I feel like an idiot for jumping to conclusions, but that doesn’t explain his weird behavior prior to that. “But you’ve been off for a couple weeks now.”
“Lydia, I was preparing to ask the woman I love more than life itself if she’d marry me, knowing she is gun-shy in the commitment department. I’ve been a nervous fucking wreck leading up to this.” I study his face and see the thin sheen of sweat at his temples and know he’s not kidding. It makes me smile, but when I think about what he’s asking me, new questions arise.
“We’ve only been together for six months. Isn’t that a little soon?”
“To who? I don’t care how long we’ve been together. I knew the moment I met you I wanted you in my life forever. I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved before. You’re it for me, Lydia.” He pauses, and when I don’t speak, he says, “Marry me.”
This time it’s not a question or request; it’s a demand. Looking up into his eyes, I see my whole future in them. All the love and affection I could ever hope for is right in front of me and I’d be a fool to walk away from it. “Yes.”
He pulls a little square box from his pocket and opens it to reveal the most stunning ring I’ve ever seen in my whole life. “You’re timeless and classy, so I went with a more classic style ring. I hope you like it.” Sliding it on my finger, I hold up my hand to get a better look.
A large, round-cut diamond is flanked by two smaller accent diamonds. The platinum band is thin and delicate, and it’s absolutely perfect. The diamonds catch the light from the candles, making them sparkle in the dark of night.
“I love it,” I choke out. My emotions are all over the place. I just went from feeling so down and having major doubts about Marcus, to feeling the highest of highs and more confident in him and our relationship than ever before.
He wraps me in a tight embrace and everything I’ve been feeling for the last four day
s comes spilling out in the form of tears. They’re tears of happiness, but also relief.
I pull back and he wipes the tears from my face. “I’m still pissed at you,” I say.
His head jerks back. “Why?”
“I wasted a perfectly good lasagna because of you.” Confused, his head tilts to the side. “I was going to surprise you with dinner and had this delicious lasagna all ready when I called you.”
“Let me make it up to you.” He trails kisses down my neck and all is forgiven. He finds my lips and as always, his kiss is all I need to center my thoughts and quiet my mind. Sometimes old habits die hard, and I’ve been in the habit of expecting the worse from people. Even though I’ve completely let go of Seth, I haven’t let go of my need to protect myself yet. I can’t say that it’ll happen overnight, but I’m going to work on it. If Marcus has shown me anything, it’s that I can trust him.
And I do. I just need to prove it to not only him, but myself too.
Lydia
I TOOK A few days off from work to move into Marcus’s place, and everything is finally situated and put away. Part of me wanted to twitch with the lack of organization in his closet, but I told him he’d have to let me move things around, or risk losing me forever.
I’m getting my way.
Aside from living with my new fiancé, one of the other perks is that I get to actually decorate the place. Being in an apartment, I’m limited on what I could do. Plus, I didn’t want to invest in a place I knew wasn’t mine.
Mine.
It feels so strange to refer to Marcus’s house as if I have equal ownership here, but he made it clear to me on the first day that I’m to treat this as my home because now it is. I’m still getting used to the idea though.
If I thought things were good with Marcus before, they’re even better now. These last few days have been nothing short of amazing, and the only thing that goes through my mind is that this could be my life forever. He exhibits everything I could ever need or want in a man—in my partner. The smallest, darkest part of my brain is hoping it’s not short lived and doesn’t come crashing down.
Calculated Risk Page 12
