I’d already meant to send her flowers tomorrow as a thank you for putting up with my family. So, flowers could be a start. “I’ll do the flowers, man. You have any other pearls of wisdom knocking around in that head of yours?”
He laughs. “Since when did I become this love guru?”
I laugh right back. “You aren’t. You’re just my friend, which means you can be a little more objective than I can about things. At least that’s what Dr. Barnes used to tell me.”
“I think half the team had their brains analyzed by her, but not me, Hevener! I just try to keep it simple. Be yourself. That’s all I can say. I’m about as authentic as they come. What you see is what you get. It gets me girls who don’t want a commitment, so just make sure this Kate chick knows you want her but aren’t willing to check your dick at the door to get her.”
“I don’t think I’ll be checking my dick anywhere,” I say with a chuckle. “I just don’t want to do something stupid.”
Another pause on the line, and then, “Didn’t you say her last name is Kessel? Isn’t that… uh…”
On more than one occasion, and usually under the influence, I’d let Andy in on the drama I’d had with Paige and Evan. He knew all about it. “Yeah, man… Kate is Paige’s younger sister.”
“Ohhh… yeah, that’s an interesting piece of information. You sure you aren’t just looking for a clone of the first one?”
I sigh, knowing I better get used to that question. “Absolutely not. Kate is not Paige.”
“Well, that’s good. You better be sure about that because—”
“I’m sure.” More sure of Kate than anything.
“Okay… okay. Shit, Hevener, you’re in deep then. I hope it works out.”
“I do too… and thanks for listening.”
“Sure, man. Anytime. I miss you.”
“Miss seeing you too. You could always move out here, buy a farm, settle down and—”
“Not gonna happen!” He’s laughing, but he says it with vehemence.
“Didn’t think so. Okay, good night.”
“Night.”
I put my phone down and breathe in some of the cool night air. Andy and I might not be in the same place in our lives when it comes to relationships, but my conversation with him has made me feel marginally better. Sometimes you just need a friend, and while I’m working on rebuilding some of my relationships here in Basin Lake, I’m not sure this would have been a discussion to have with someone like Ben or Matt.
I start my truck back up, find my favorite country station, and head toward home, trying to decide on the perfect flowers for Kate.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
KATE
The flowers had been a nice surprise. And the attached note was simple, yet touching:
I’m loving getting to know you, Kate. Can’t wait to know you even more.
Garrett
He’d gotten the bouquet just right with a simple, yet beautiful selection of perfectly cut sunflowers. Their petals were bright and yellow, their leaves a healthy green, their centers a rich, dark brown. They were like miniature suns, bright and perfect. And even if Mom wasn’t completely on board with whatever was happening with Garrett, she and Grandma had both melted at the gesture.
Garrett had really deserved a call or even a quick meeting in person so that I could thank him properly, but I’d only texted him a thank you. He’d texted back, was glad that I liked them and said he hoped to see me soon. And then that was it. Three days on, I haven’t heard another peep from him.
“There is definitely something on your mind,” Beth tells me.
With the kids tuckered out and napping and me cleaning and straightening up the house, Beth should be focusing on her homework.
“How can you tell?” I finish putting the big building blocks away that the boys had been playing with earlier and wonder what I’ve been doing to take her attention off of her homework. Am I really so transparent?
“Just the way you’ve been walking around, humming.” She closes her laptop up and crosses her arms, easing back into one of the dining room chairs and giving me this self-satisfied smile.
“Is humming such a bad thing?” I didn’t even realize I’d been humming.
“Oh, it can be, especially when you’re humming along softly and then start in like the soundtrack to some brutal action movie.”
“I was doing that?” I ask, joining her at the table. I can only imagine those sounds were correlating to me thinking about the fact that Garrett hadn’t tried to contact me since that last text.
She nods and smiles. “You sure were. Trouble in paradise?”
I exhale, letting go of tension I’d apparently been holding in. “No… I don’t think so. It’s just that I haven’t heard from Garrett in a few days. I don’t know what it means.”
“It could just be that he’s been busy?” Beth doesn’t look very sure of herself, and she knows Garrett pretty well considering they’d dated in high school.
“He still has stuff on his family’s farm to deal with, above and beyond what’s going on with the Murphy place.” That’s definitely true and had been one of the things I’d reminded myself of as to why I might not have heard from him.
“One day is probably running right into the next for him. I bet he’s not even aware it’s been three days.”
“Or maybe it’s because of the dinner at his house. I’m not sure I did a very good job of impressing his family.”
“I think it only matters that you impress Garrett,” she says.
“Yeah, that’s what he told me, but what if it’s just that? Maybe he thinks I’m weak, and that doesn’t even account for what I’m keeping from him.”
She tilts her head to the side and narrows her eyes. “You’re keeping something from him?”
Shit.
It took me a tick to realize I’d let that slip. My mind is such a mess. I’d been humming without even being aware, and I might have just ended up shedding my secret to Beth.
“I… yeah, there’s something I’m not sure he’d be okay with.”
“He knows about Shawn, right?” She asks this without prodding too hard, maybe deciding my secret has something to do with him.
“Of course… yeah. He had the displeasure of meeting him.”
“Right… at the hotel.” She makes a face.
“Yeah.” I hadn’t given her the full rundown of what had happened with Shawn there, just that he and Garrett had met that day.
“But he knows how serious your relationship was? You don’t still have feelings for the guy, do you?”
“Absolutely not.” That’s easy to say. The only feeling I have about Shawn is a wish that I hadn’t wasted so much time with him.
“Okay, well, if it’s something you want to talk to me about, I’m here.”
“I don’t think—”
“But you don’t have to,” she adds, like an added assurance to me. “I love this friendship you and I are building, and you can tell me anything, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”
That makes me smile, makes me want to tell her, but somehow the tighter you hold to a secret, the harder it is to let it go, even if you know the person you might tell it to will understand.
“Thanks, Beth. I would tell you, but I think it’s something I’d have to share with Garrett first.”
“Of course.” She waves her hand as if waving away any need to share. “There are things between Ben and I that are just between us, and if you think this thing with Garrett has a real chance, I totally understand.”
“If we have a real chance. I still don’t get why he hasn’t contacted me.”
“Have you contacted him?”
“Me?” It’s so simple, and yet it just hits me then and there that Garrett might be waiting just like I am. “Um… no. I guess not.”
She laughs. “You might think Garrett is supposed to take the lead considering he’s a man and all, but I know him, and he’s as insecure as we all are. Take a min
ute and give the guy a call, and I can almost guarantee it will alleviate a lot of your worries.”
Beth makes more sense than most of the therapists I’d been forced to see when I was a teenager. And in three days, her advice is the first thing to pull me from the dull ache I’d been feeling.
“You’re right. You sure you don’t mind?”
She shakes her head. “The boys are asleep, and I don’t think there’s a square inch in this place left to clean. Go and call that man.”
“Thanks, Beth.” With a tingling warmth in my limbs, I get up and head into the kitchen, grab my phone from my purse on the counter and dial Garrett’s number before I can chicken out.
“Hey, Kate.” He picks up on the first ring and sounds happy to hear from me.
“Hey, Garrett… it’s been a few days, and I… well, I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he says with a light chuckle, followed up with what sounds a lot like a relieved sigh. “How are we going to rectify that?”
His question allays my fears, and it’s then I know he and I are going to be okay.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
KATE
One Month Later
“I’m not very good at this,” Garrett says as we walk through Hansen’s Furniture in downtown Basin Lake. “I have no idea what would look good in the house.”
“That’s why you have me,” I remind him, my arm laced through his. We’re on our second lap around the store, and thankfully Mr. Hansen is a hands-off kind of salesman, telling us to take our time and that he’d be available for any questions we might have.
“I’m pretty damn glad for that,” he says, putting his big hand over my smaller one.
And so am I. When Garrett told me the deal on the Murphy farm had gone through, I was probably just as ecstatic as he was. In the month since that first not so perfect dinner with his family, we’d grown closer, and he’d had me out to the farmhouse numerous times for my opinion on all sorts of things, from whether or not he should blow a wall out and make a room bigger or if shutters would look good on the front or end up making the house look too quaint. I’d been happy to participate, giving him suggestions and nearly picturing myself living there with him.
But I also tried to keep one step back. I’d been to his parents’ place three more times for dinner and half a dozen times just stopping by, and while he’d apparently instructed them to stop asking me questions about how soon I wanted kids or how quickly they could start planning the wedding, I still feel as though I’m holding back something important from them.
That insecurity had led me to harm myself a couple more times, grabbing onto whatever skin I could, then twisting and digging at it until it grew a fiery red that would eventually go black and blue. It was a hard habit to break, something I sometimes did without even thinking. It was the easiest, not so subtle reminder that if things with Garrett imploded, the physical pain I felt at my own hands would be nothing compared to what would happen to me emotionally.
I stop, turn to Garrett, and he bends down to kiss me. I’m fairly tall for a girl, but he’s still got plenty of inches on me, along with a good deal of bulk. His size often leads me to a somewhat reoccurring fantasy about him picking me up like I’m nothing and carrying me to his bed and…
His kiss is what makes the spot beneath my abdomen warm, makes me want more than hand holding and kissing. But I’m also grateful that we’ve taken things slowly, something that appears to be coming from both ends. Garrett hasn’t pushed, has even pulled back once or twice. And part of me thinks I should tell him about my secret before we actually have sex.
He’d be my first.
And as my first, his reaction to having sex with me would indicate whether what my doctors had told me about a normal sex life was true or just a well-meaning lie. With varying degrees of enthusiasm, my mother and I had been informed upon my diagnosis of MRKH that I wouldn’t need the sort of surgery many women with this syndrome do in order to create normal vaginal depth. Instead, I could practice the other option.
Dilation.
I’m not sure when it was I actually started doing it, taking what looked like a variety of sizes of dildos and inserting them inside of me, embarrassment more a side effect than any of the physical pain it caused. At some point, it became a habit as necessary as brushing my teeth, but it has never felt normal.
On the last visit to my specialist, I’d been assured I was doing everything right, that I should feel the same as any other woman would during sex. But how can I be sure Garrett wouldn’t notice?
I already know he’s not a virgin, and I’m pretty sure he’s been with more than just one or two girls. So, he’ll have a pretty good idea of what’s normal and what isn’t. Maybe I need to make another trip to the doctor to be sure, just to get an extra okay that everything is in proper working order before he and I graduate to that next level.
“I love kissing you,” he tells me, his eyes slowly opening when he pulls his lips from mine.
“Then you and I are pretty alike, because I love kissing you, too.”
His eyes are mischievous. “But Hansen probably doesn’t like us doing it in his store, huh?”
“I’m not sure he cares. I think he just wants to sell us furniture.”
“I guess we should pick something out then.” His hands are on my hips, so he doesn’t look in any rush, but he’s right. We came here for a reason.
We could very well have gone to Spokane to get a much better variety, but Mr. Hansen actually has a fairly decent, modern selection, and Garrett wants to support the local economy. So I help him pick out an oversized couch, love seat and a matching chair that I know will fit nicely into his living room. The dining room stuff comes next, though we stick with a nice mahogany table and six chairs for now. There will be room for a side table and maybe even some kind of hutch in the future, but considering Garrett is still doing work on the house, there’s no need for more than the basics quite yet.
But everyone needs a bed, and that’s the thing we have the most fun picking out. Garrett waggles his eyebrows when we choose a king, some seriousness below his teasing, but nothing that makes me uncomfortable or feel like he’s pushing for something I’m not ready for.
After choosing what I’d call a fairly masculine bed frame with its clean lines and dark wood and a box spring and mattress to add to it, Garrett pulls me over to the children’s furniture section.
“Should we just get our future children some furniture as well?” He asks it so lightheartedly, almost like a joke. It’s nothing like the pressured way his mother and Skyler had broached the subject. And yet I can see a light in his eyes, one that gives away how much he wants children, maybe even wanting them soon.
I clam up. I don’t mean to, but I do, and he notices the change in me right away.
“I didn’t mean…” He takes my hands. “Damn, Kate, I hope you don’t think I’m pushing. It’s just that buying all this furniture to fill up a house is exciting… I got carried away.”
“I know.” I force a smile. I want so badly to tell him everything, just lay it all out for him. But I’m fearful of his reaction, afraid our relationship will get derailed just when it’s going so well.
“Forget I said it.” He pulls me close to him. “Sometimes I ease right past the fact I’ve got almost six years on you and that you might not be ready for things at the same pace I am. I’m sorry. Forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I tell him, offering a kiss.
And there isn’t. He’s been so good to me, and I just have to believe that goodness isn’t contingent on something I’ll never be able to give him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
KATE
Working the register at Forester’s can be mind numbing at times, the ever-present beeping from scanning bar codes or the more low-pitched sound from the pay pad that reminds customers to withdraw their credit card enough to drive you mad. But at least most of the people who come through my line are people I like—or ha
ve grown to like—and help to break up the monotony I’m sometimes plagued with. Some of them I call by name, especially the older men and women who come in every few days, who have asked enough about me to connect me to my family. They remember Paige who used to run track and Claire who is married to the fire chief’s son.
“She still going to be a doctor?” Some of them ask of Claire.
“She sure is,” I proudly respond.
That intimacy, that knowing your neighbors well enough to remember those details, is exactly why I’ve always loved this town. But what I don’t love is how difficult it can be to disappear from the people you don’t especially want to see, people like Lyle. He’d had his chance with me in high school and blew it, but it hadn’t stopped him from asking me out. The first two times, I’d tried to be overly nice about saying no, perhaps some part of me afraid he’d go off and share what he knew about me if I hadn’t been. But the third time had been my limit, and I’d had to tell him very sternly that I was dating Garrett Hevener, not that I should have to be dating anyone just for Lyle to have left me alone.
“The football guy?” He’d looked at me like I was nuts.
Whether he was suddenly concerned I might sick Garrett on him for bugging me or was just in shock I’d date a guy who he’d probably call a meathead, Lyle had stopped asking for another chance with me.
It was a relief when Lyle chose another checkout line the next time he came in, but pushing him away hadn’t stopped other men from hitting on me. You’d think anyone in a small town like this would be too embarrassed to hit too hard on you, but that wasn’t always the case. There were plenty of men in Basin Lake who figured the more you harassed a girl, the more likely she’d be to go out with them.
“I seem to have lost my phone number,” Mike Miller, a guy I’m pretty sure I went to a dance with in the ninth grade, says when I hand him his receipt.
“Okay…” I ready myself for what’s to come next.
Unbroken by Love (The Basin Lake Series Book 4) Page 13
