And then we are a sweaty, tangled mess, holding one another, though it’s mostly Garrett who surrounds me, wrapping me up in him so that I can still feel his hardness at my back, his arms around me. I clutch tightly to this gorgeous man, never wanting to let go.
CHAPTER TWENTY
KATE
When the plumber leaves on Monday afternoon, Garrett and I head right up to his bedroom. I’ve been pretty much insatiable since the first time we’d had sex, so focused on keeping the momentum of our sexual relationship going while getting to know the very best ways for Garrett and I to connect. The pain subsided after the fourth time we’d been together, and whatever discomfort remains is minimal and quickly disappears in favor of blissful gratification.
“One of these days, I’d love to go in without a condom,” Garrett tells me just as he’s sliding the lubricated protection on and positioning himself above me and pushing my legs apart.
“So why don’t you?” I’m probably not thinking straight as hormones pulse through my body, as I await my pleasure receptors to pop and explode with the rooting of his hardness inside of me.
“I have to keep you safe is why,” he practically growls out as he enters me, taking less time now to push deeper, which elicits a groan from him.
I should probably reply, but my mouth won’t form words, so instead I wrap my arms up and around him, gliding my fingers through his hair and grabbing onto his thick strands as if hanging on for dear life.
Being with Garrett in this way sends me into another world it seems, a place where there are no worries, where everything is right, where my body and soul feel at perfect ease with one another, where I feel connected to Garrett both emotionally and physically.
Most importantly, I feel beautiful and wanted and complete and feel eternally grateful for the orgasms I’d feared I wouldn’t ever be able to experience with a man. But like the first easy thing in my life, my orgasms continue to come, and I can see how much Garrett likes to see them, likes to know that he’s making me feel as good as he does. And when it’s his turn, I love to see it too, to watch his body tense, his face go somewhat askew, for his back to arch as he fills the condom between our bodies with his seed.
It’s a seed that will never be part of growing a life inside of me. That’s the thought I have long after our afterglow while he holds me, a time when real world problems sometimes find a way of seeping in. If Garrett wants to have sex with me without a condom, I should at least tell him he wouldn’t have to worry about me getting pregnant.
“We could try it… without a condom next time,” I tell him after checking the time and knowing I’ve only got about another twenty minutes with him before I need to get ready to head over and babysit for Beth and Ben.
“I should get checked out first,” he says, his arm around me, my cheek against his chest. “And we’d need to get you on some birth control unless you’ve already got it covered?” He looks down at me, looking for an answer in my eyes.
“I’ve got it covered,” I confirm, which is more truth than lie.
“Then I’ll make an appointment at the clinic,” he says with all seriousness. “If I get a clean bill of health, then we can take a break from the condoms.”
I want to ask him why he thinks he’d have a reason to fear anything that could come out in a test at the clinic. He’d been careful with me using condoms, so I imagine he’d been just as careful before with anyone who’d come before me. Of course I don’t really want to think about that, about those women before me, how many or how often, what he felt for them or didn’t feel. There had really only been two guys for me before Garrett, and I’d well surpassed with him what I’d ever done with either of them.
“So, you really think the whole house needs to be re-plumbed?” he asks. It’s quite the jump in topics, but it saves me from any further temptation to question him about the women in his past.
“If this is going to be your forever home, then yeah, I’d have it done.” I’d followed the plumber around during his inspection, him putting holes in some of the ceilings and walls to reveal old pipes that were rusted and far beyond their prime.
“I guess it will be money well spent,” he says, smiling at me. “It’s just a little hard to stomach paying for all these updates when I don’t even have a working farm.”
“I’ll help in any way I can,” I assure him. “Just let me know.”
He pulls me closer to him and wraps a strand of my hair around his finger. “You just being here helps me in more ways then you could ever know. You realize how in love with you I am, right?”
I’m sure my skin is pinking up by the warmth I feel casting over it. “As much as I love you,” I say.
After a kiss, I settle against him for the few minutes we have left together, my hand over his chest where I swear I can feel the rhythmic galloping of his heart.
There is so much I still have to tell Garrett, things I should have already said before I’d gotten in this deep. But he loves me, and I just hope he’ll remember that feeling when truths get told.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
KATE
Between working at Forester’s, babysitting for Beth and Ben, and helping Garrett out with ideas for his house, nearly every moment of my day is filled with something.
And that’s a good thing.
I haven’t given Shawn more than a passing thought in these last few weeks, and, for good or bad, I’ve pushed telling Garrett I have MRKH out of my mind. I’m just so afraid of ruining what we have when things are going so well, well enough that I haven’t been tempted to twist, tug or otherwise brutalize my skin.
But you can only run from the truth for so long.
“This would be just like old times if Claire were here too,” Mom says as myself, Grandma, Clark, Paige and Evan sit around the dining room table eating a meal that I’d helped Mom prepare. It’s nothing too fancy, but keeping the fact that Paige is a vegetarian in mind, we’d kept it to mixed vegetables, roasted potatoes, baked tofu the way Paige likes it and some thick, freshly baked bread from Forester’s.
Considering that Evan is an amazing cook, that he’s part owner of a restaurant that serves a menu filled with vegetarian options, I’m quite sure our offering tonight pales in comparison to anything he’d put together. But he’s tremendously sweet and still compliments our cooking.
“I think we’ll have to be the ones going to her for as long as she’s in med school,” Paige says of Claire, her belly having grown since the wedding.
I should still be jealous of her, of her ability to have a child with the man she loves, but I’m not, not while I’m happy with Garrett. Taking one day at a time is preferable to constantly reminding myself of my limitations.
“I wouldn’t mind a road trip to Seattle sometime soon,” Evan adds in, taking a quick sip of his wine and then setting his glass back down. “I could get Reggie to run things at the restaurant.”
“We could all go,” Paige says, looking around the table at pretty much all of us but especially focusing on me. “You are sticking around, aren’t you, Kate?”
When I’d first come back to Basin Lake, I hadn’t been sure how long I’d be here. I was seeking refuge as much as I’d wanted to reconnect with my family. But if I hadn’t reconnected with Garrett, I can’t be sure where I’d be right now. Our relationship means I haven’t mentioned wanting to leave our small town in quite a while.
“Well, of course she’s sticking around,” Mom says, squeezing my arm. “And with her spending so much time with Garrett, I wouldn’t be surprised if she never left at all!”
“He’s such a handsome boy,” Grandma chimes in. “But not any better looking than you, Evan,” she says, turning to Paige’s husband without any embarrassment at all.
He chuckles while Paige’s reaction to Garrett’s name being brought up is something else entirely. While Mom has gotten on board with he and I, and Grandma thrills at the idea of it, I’ve failed to mention the details of our relationship to my older sis
ter.
“I didn’t realize you were seeing so much of him,” she says, looking down at her plate and spearing a pile of mixed veggies with her fork before lifting her eyes back to me, all seriousness. She throws a quick look Mom’s way too, as if she should have told her.
“I’m helping him with his new house,” I tell her, stabbing at my own veggies and then stuffing them in my mouth to keep from saying more. I’d specifically kept quiet about all of the time I’d been spending with her ex-boyfriend because I had a feeling she’d react this way, not jealous exactly, but with the sometimes overzealous concern of an older sister.
“She’s a real asset to him,” Mom says, obviously aware now that I don’t tell Paige everything and trying to iron over even mentioning Garrett’s name. “And she’s given us so many good ideas and suggestions about the remodel we’re doing here too! She really learned a lot at HFU.”
Evan is quiet, just sort of digs into the food on his plate, and I can’t be sure at all what he might be thinking.
“Hmm.” Paige lays her fork down. “Speaking of HFU, has Shawn tried to get in touch with you lately?”
I finish chewing my veggies, swallow and then take a long drink of water. While talking about Garrett might be uncomfortable in the present setting, having to say anything at all about Shawn is akin to torture. Mom and Paige know that things didn’t work out with he and I, but I’ve been incredibly light on the specifics. And yet I’m sure they’ve filled in their own blanks and come to their own conclusions about the kind of man Shawn is.
“Shawn the asshole?” Evan directs the question at Paige.
She tilts her head and gives him a sharp look. “Evan… I’m not sure Kate would want us—”
“It’s fine,” I bust in, not wanting Evan to be punished for repeating the perfect nickname for my ex. “He is an asshole, and he came to town a while back wanting to get back together.”
“You didn’t mention a thing,” Mom says, wiping her mouth with a napkin and looking just as worried as Paige.
I’d only mentioned the meeting to Beth, and of course Garrett knew since he’d basically saved me from Shawn.
“Because I just wanted it to be over and done with,” I tell them, as well as everyone else at the table. “He couldn’t accept… well…” This is where I quiet, where I notice Evan lowering his eyes again.
“He’s a fucking idiot,” Paige says. “And of course he’d want you back after he treated you like shit.”
“I’ll kick his ass for you if you want,” Evan tells me, bringing his eyes back to mine. He’s outwardly joking, but I know he’d do it if I asked him to.
“I appreciate that, Evan, but Garrett already put the fear into him.”
“Garrett met him?” Paige is the one who asks, but Mom and Grandma look at me with interest, as if both of them had asked the question themselves.
I shrug. “He happened to be running errands when… well, when Shawn and I were having a disagreement.” What had actually happened of course was that Shawn chased me out of the hotel like a crazy person, but I don’t have any desire to relive that particular event in words.
“So, he kicked his ass?” Evan is sitting straight up, his interest peaked.
“It didn’t come to that.” I sigh. “Can we maybe talk about something else? Like how good Mom’s roasted potatoes are?”
Mom smiles, but Paige reverts back to our previous conversation. “So, Garrett must have feelings for you… if he were willing to intervene with you and Shawn and all.”
I stare her down. I don’t want to go back to my emo days when I was a teenage bitch, mostly to my enduring sister, Claire, but if anything is going to push me over that edge, it’s Paige’s line of questioning.
“I’m just curious,” she says, sitting back in her chair and looking like she might back down, but she doesn’t. After just a few moments, she leans in again. “You know, I’m just kind of worried… I don’t think you’re in a good place to start something with him, with Garrett… or with anyone really. Not after what I’m guessing Shawn put you through.”
“Paige, she’s an adult,” Evan tells her, then sends a look of solidarity my way, as if he’d like nothing more than to know that his old friend and his kid sister-in-law might find happiness together.
Mom and Clark offer me the same kind of smile, but I think Mom is still leaning more toward Paige’s side than she’s willing to say.
“I just can’t see you get hurt again,” Paige tells me with conviction. “First with that Lyle jerk and now Shawn, and what if… what if this thing with Garrett is like Little Women?”
“Little what?” I ask.
“Little Women,” she says, looking at me like I should get whatever connection she’s trying to make. “The book?”
“Yeah, I read it in the sixth grade. What about it?”
Mom sighs heavily. Being a teacher, she’s read that book inside and out, so I’m sure she gets whatever reference my sister is trying to make, long before I do.
“It’s like Jo and Laurie,” Paige begins. “Laurie loved Jo, but it didn’t work out, and eventually Laurie ended up with Amy, Jo’s little sister, but was Laurie really happy with her or was he with her because he couldn’t have Jo?”
“Really, Paige?” Evan can’t exactly look at his pregnant wife with disdain, but there is definitely some disappointment in his eyes.
“You think I’m the consolation prize?” I ask, a quiet rage pushing up through my body. It had been enough hearing that from Mom.
“No! Of course not.” Paige seems to realize she’s stepped into something deep and is looking back and forth from me, then to Evan and then to Mom, Clark and even Grandma. “I’m just concerned… I don’t want you to get hurt, Kate.”
“Well, you must think you’re pretty special,” I hiss. “Isn’t it enough you got Evan, that he married you and now you’re having his baby? Do you have to think Garrett still wants you too?”
“No.” She shakes her head furiously and then grabs onto Evan’s hand. “No… that’s not it,” she cries. “I’m so sorry. It came out all wrong.”
“It didn’t come out wrong,” I snap. “It’s just what you wanted to say. But I’ll prove you wrong. I’ll show you that Garrett won’t care that I’m barren… or maybe I’ll prove you right… maybe that’s what you really want.”
Paige is crying now, and I’m still fuming. Evan is comforting her while Mom puts her arm around me. Clark looks sad but like he doesn’t have a clue what to say.
“I’m sure Dr. Phil would have had some interesting advice about this,” Grandma announces, “but I don’t watch the man any longer, so I’m afraid I can’t offer any words of wisdom.”
I want to laugh, and I think Evan does… just a little. But the anger I’m feeling won’t allow me that. And yet, I don’t really want to take my frustration out on my pregnant sister either. I just need to get away, so I push my chair back and stand.
“I’m going to go upstairs,” I tell everyone. “I think I just need to be alone.”
“I’m so sorry.” Paige is crying, but I don’t feel like absolving her right now. She hurt me, and the best thing for me to do is to put some distance between us.
“I know,” I say, then turn, head up the stairs and finally feel the comfort of being alone in my room.
* * *
“She feels horrible.” Mom is sitting next to me on my bed, Paige and Evan on their way back to Spokane.
“I’m sure she does.” It’s been an hour since our fight, and while my anger for my sister has dissipated, the issues she brought up with her words still hang heavily with me. “But she can’t know what it’s like to be me, and then to say those things… to make it seem like Garrett’s only interest in me is because I look like her.”
Mom rubs semi-circles over my back, and it’s comforting. “She’s just being your older sister, trying to think of every way in which you might get hurt and wanting to stop it. I had that same idea at first too, you know,” she says
with widened eyes and lips that are pressed tightly together.
“But you got over that.”
“I did.” She nods, even though there’s still likely a part of her that worries. “Give her the chance to get over it too.”
“I know… I know.” I sigh. “But doesn’t she have any faith in him? He apologized to her and Evan at their wedding, and she accepted it. That should make her think more highly of him, shouldn’t it?”
“Oh, honey, I don’t think it’s that. It’s just that she… well, she and Claire and me too… we feel so helpless watching you suffer from the outside. And maybe what we end up saying to try to help doesn’t come out right. You have to admit that there wasn’t anything I could say that was acceptable when you first got your diagnosis, during those years you wouldn’t take any help at all from me.”
My anger morphs into regret and embarrassment. Mom is right about the way in which I’d pushed her and anyone else who cared about me as far from my life as I could. I’d just been so angry, and that anger had snowballed into a giant pile of hurt that I didn’t know what to do with.
“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry about that, and I’m sorry if I was too hard on Paige, but honestly, she should have a better opinion of Garrett. I think he’s suffered enough.”
Mom opens her mouth to say something, but whatever it is, she thinks better of it. “I think Garrett is doing the right things to move past those mistakes, but I don’t think Paige was entirely out of line.”
“Mom.” I stiffen and just give her a look like she doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.
“Just hear me out,” she says in a calm, soothing voice.
“Fine.” I cross my arms and hope she’ll be quick about it.
“I’m not worried that Garrett still has feelings for your older sister anymore. It was obvious at her wedding that his eyes were all on you, and I see that so much more clearly now. But what I am concerned about is how he might deal with the MRKH and how that reaction could end up hurting you.”
Unbroken by Love (The Basin Lake Series Book 4) Page 16
