Finding Faith

by Tabatha Vargo

  On Monday, I went back to the condo to clean. I felt relief when I unlocked the door and found no one inside. That relief was instantly replaced with nerves when I looked around the corner and saw Finn staring back at me from the couch. Quickly, I turned away, set down my purse, and went to work. The place was trashed—all my hard work from the week before undone in just a weekend.

  “Look who it is, the preacher’s devil daughter.” He chuckled from the couch.

  I ignored him as I loaded the dishwasher.

  “I have to admit, you look nothing like the girl I used to know. I guess age is catching up with you, huh?”

  He sounded closer, but still I continued to ignore him. His words stung. I’d already started to feel unattractive. I had dark circles around my eyes from lack of sleep, and I worked so much that I was finding it hard to gain or keep on weight.

  I turned on the dishwasher and started on the trash. There were bottles and drugs everywhere. I shook my head since obviously nothing had changed in Finn’s life. It was probably a good thing that things turned out the way they had all those years ago. I deserved better and so did Jimmy.

  Once I was done cleaning and mopping the kitchen, I turned to start on the next room. When I did, Finn was standing behind me with a bottle of soda in his hand. He grinned down at me with sinister eyes as he set the soda on the counter. I started to step away from him, but then he purposely pushed over the soda. It spilled all over the clean countertop and began dripping onto the floor.

  I moved quickly to pick up the bottle. When I stood again, he was walking away, laughing. Once he was completely gone from the room, I let go of the tears that had formed in my eyes. I swiped them from my face before I grabbed the cloth and began to clean up the mess.

  Three hours later, I was finally done cleaning the rest of the condo. The only room that was left was Finn’s, and I knew that’s where he was. I stepped up to the door and tapped softly.

  “Come in!” he called from inside the room.

  I pushed the door open and stepped into the room. The smell of beer assaulted me and made me gag a little.

  “Come to try me out again?” He took a hard swig from a beer, his bloodshot eyes never leaving mine.

  He was propped up in his bed without his shirt on. His body looked just as amazing as it had years ago. With the exception of a few new tattoos that I refused to look at, he looked exactly the same—more stylish maybe, but still just as beautiful as he always was. I secretly hated him for being so stress free. He didn’t have a kid to worry about. He didn’t have bills to worry about or whether or not he had to put food on the table for a kid who wouldn’t eat anything but pizza and chicken nuggets most of the time.

  There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but he wasn’t worth it.

  His glassy blue eyes devoured me from across the room. Beside him was a half-empty bottle of liquor, and there were clothes everywhere. His jeans were unbuttoned, leaving a space between his abdominal muscles and his jeans. I knew what was under those jeans. I’d been in those jeans, and although I knew it was wrong, I had a brief moment of weakness. I wanted to climb in that bed with him.

  Something about the way he looked at me was alarming. It was like I didn’t affect him at all. Like he couldn’t care less that I was there. He didn’t blink. He just stared right through me. Saw all the shattered faithless parts of Faith and disregarded them completely. I couldn’t help myself. I responded.

  “Try you out?”

  “So you do speak? I was starting to think you’d gone dumb, too.” He took a big swig from his liquor bottle and chased it with his beer. “I’ll admit, the last time you had some of this,” he said as he grabbed himself, “I wasn’t as good as I am now. I’ve learned my way around a woman’s body. I could do things to you that you wouldn’t believe, and I could do it with my eyes closed. Maybe then you wouldn’t run off the next day like a bat out of hell.” He was drunk, slurring.

  I felt his seductive words in my thighs. How was he able to do that? How was he able to send his words across the room and make them dance inside my panties that way?

  “I didn’t…” I started to defend myself and my actions.

  “Don’t. I don’t care what you did or didn’t do. Either you’re here to screw or we have nothing to talk about.” He finished his beer and set it next to the liquor bottle.

  I said nothing. Instead, I turned around and left the room. I grabbed my purse and left without cleaning his bedroom. I was almost to my car when the tears came. At least I could be happy that I’d gotten out of there before he saw my tears. He was nothing like the guy he used to be. Although, the letter I’d gotten four years ago should’ve told me I was wrong about him.

  As soon as I walked into the front door of my apartment, Jimmy attacked me with hugs and kisses. He erased every bad thing Finn said to me in that moment. I scooped him up into my arms and blew raspberries on his tummy. He squirmed out of my embrace and ran back to his toy box.

  “You’re back early,” Mom said from the stove.

  Whatever she was cooking smelled amazing but made my stomach turn. The thought of food made me sick. All I wanted to do was go take a hot shower and sleep.

  “Grandma’s making meatballs!” Jimmy said as he ran around the living room with his dinosaur.

  I silently wished I had a tenth of his energy. I laughed and gave him a kiss on the cheek before I went to get a shower.

  Once I was undressed, I took the time to look in the mirror. I really did look awful. I was twenty-one, almost twenty-two, yet I looked like a thirty-one-year-old who’d lived a rough life. I pulled the hair away from my face and looked hard at the circles around my eyes. I’d never worn makeup, but I was starting to think maybe I really needed it.

  Finn’s words moved through my mind once more, and I hated myself for letting them hurt me like they did. I didn’t care about him anymore. At least that’s what I kept telling myself over and over again. I’d spent the last four years of my life hating him just to make it through the day.

  Why did he have to come back into my life now? Why couldn’t I be cleaning for some old author or a really hip starlet?

  I spent the rest of my night lounging in bed with Jimmy and watching cartoons. It had been so long since I’d watched an adult movie or TV show that I could almost forget they existed. I fell asleep to the soft rhythm of a singing dinosaur buzzing in my ears.

  The rest of that week, every day was the same. I’d go to work and clean. Every now and again, Finn would say something hurtful or rude and I’d choke on tears until I could make it to Mom’s car and drive myself home.

  On Friday, I met the rest of the band. They were all really nice and it was good to see Tiny again, even though he looked at me as if he’d never met me before, which only made me feel uglier and older. It had only been four years, yet even Tiny, who’d always been nothing but nice to me, didn’t even recognize me.

  I’d never been so happy to see Friday. As soon as I was done with work, I picked up my check and paid bills. I spent the rest of the weekend spending time with my mom and Jimmy. I even got a chance to take him to the jump castle place that he loved so much. It was nice to have a little bit of money to have fun with him.

  The following Monday, I was happy to find out that the guys were on the road again. I spent the first two days cleaning the condo, and on Wednesday, I even got to leave early since the place was already spotless.

  I stopped by on Thursday and Friday to make sure nothing needed to be done, and then I spent another great weekend with Jimmy and my mom. I even took the time to go by the library and look into going back to get my diploma.

  “I’m so proud of you, Faith,” Mom said when I told her my plan. “You’ve been through a lot, yet you still push hard for what you want.”

  She kissed me on the forehead as she passed me. I was sitting at the kitchen table, filling out paperwork to go back to school.

  The following Monday after I went and checked the condo
and dusted, I stopped by the adult education place and got an appointment with the advisor. I’d never been more serious about getting back in school and making a better life for me and my son.

  Tuesday, when I went to work, the boys were back. They were lounging on the couch and laughing about random stuff. The pretty blonde girl, Patience, was with them again, and I thought it was cute every time I saw her and her boyfriend, Zeke, the lead guitarist, being all sweet alone in the corner.

  I longed for some form of male attention. Not sex so much, but at that point, someone telling me I was pretty would be enough. I felt awful all the time and it reflected on the outside. Now that I wasn’t stuck under my father’s thumb, I could take the time to clean myself up. Maybe dress a little better or put on makeup, but who had time and money for that kind of stuff?

  “Man, I would’ve tapped that ass two times, and then when I was done that second time, I would’ve tapped it again since all good things come in threes,” the one named Chet said loudly.

  The guys around him laughed, including Finn.

  “I still can’t believe you didn’t fuck her, Finn. You should’ve sent her my way if you weren’t feeling it.”

  “Chill with the language, man. My girl’s in the room,” Zeke said as he pulled Patience closer to his side.

  Finn looked over at me and I turned my head quickly. Apparently, Finn was still living his wild playboy life. I remembered the way he looked sitting on that couch with his eyes closed as Jenny, worked her body on top of him. The thought of them together still made me sick four years later. Actually, hearing them talk about Finn getting laid while on tour made me sick, too.

  I ignored them and went straight to the back bedrooms to get to work. I made the bed and cleaned up trash in Finn’s room first so I didn’t get stuck in his room with him again. I was working on his bathroom when I felt someone behind me.

  I wasn’t in the mood for him. I didn’t think I could take any more rude remarks. I’d woken up that morning with my period and I had a severe case of PMS. I was angry and emotional and I honestly didn’t think I could sit there and take his crap without responding this time.

  When I turned around, he was standing behind me, watching me work. I turned my head and continued. If I could get it done as soon as possible, then I could leave. Water from cleaning the countertop had spilled onto the floor, so I grabbed one of towels from the little bucket I took to work with me and started to clean it up. I was positive I had it all, but when I started to clean the shower, I slipped on a slick spot and fell face first into the hot shower water.

  Embarrassment set in as the hot water ran over my hair and into my eyes. I put my hands out to lift myself, but the chemicals I’d sprayed on the slick tile kept making me slip. I couldn’t get up.

  A set of large hands grabbed me around the waist and lifted me like I weighed nothing. Once I was on my feet, I pushed my sopping wet hair from my face and reached for a towel to dry myself.

  “Thank you,” I said to Finn.

  The words felt like bees stinging the back of my throat. I would’ve much rather endured the bees than to have to say thank you to him. Still, it was the right thing to do, and even though I didn’t go to church every day the way I used to, I still knew the difference between what was right and what was wrong.

  “Don’t worry about it,” he said.

  I looked up at him, but he wasn’t looking at my face. Instead, his eyes were glued to my chest. I hadn’t noticed it, but my light-blue shirt was plastered to my body. My simple black bra was showing clearly through the thin fabric. It was the only colored bra I’d ever owned, and I only bought it because I could once my parents divorced.

  I pulled at my shirt and then wrapped my arms around myself. I started to walk away, but Finn grabbed my arm and pulled me close to him. I hated my body for reacting as my nipples hardened and my breathing accelerated.

  He stared down at me, blue eyes taking me in. I felt naked even though I was still fully covered, and I was starting to shiver. I couldn’t decide if that was because of Finn or because of my swim in the shower.

  “No more boring white cotton?” he asked with a sexy smirk.

  He was playing with me again. I reached up and pried his fingers from around my arm. I jerked my body away from him and turned and left the room. I think I hated him more in that embarrassing moment than I had over the last four years.

  He laughed behind me and then I heard him saying something that made me so angry I had to go to another bathroom and cool down.

  “I tainted the preacher’s daughter and now she thinks it’s okay for her to wear black. Only sexy women make black look good.”

  He was right. I had no business wearing black anything. I was still a boring, white cotton girl.

  Twenty-Two

  Finn

  Black had never looked so fucking sexy—never. An angel in the devil’s clothing, holy shit, it was a turn on. The way she felt in my arms when I pulled her from the hot shower had been a thing that my memories were made of. I guess some things never changed and Faith’s body was one of them.

  I hated that my cock got hard just by looking at her bra through her shirt, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I hadn’t had sex since Faith came back into my life. Not for lack of trying, but I couldn’t seem to go through with it. It was like I’d turned into the biggest puss the world had ever seen.

  I stuck my hand in my pocket and wrapped it around the cross that I carried around with me everywhere. It was the only thing I had to show for having ever known Faith, other than the hurtful letter she’d sent me right after she left. That I kept in my wallet. For a while, I’d worn the cross charm on a chain around my neck, but after having a particularly rough night, I’d ripped it off. Ever since that night, it was in my pocket, always.

  At first, it had been a reminder of what I was holding on to, but these days, it was a reminder of what I was running from—love. I’d run from that shit for the rest of my life. I couldn’t go through what I’d gone through before. I could hardly believe I’d made it through it the first time. I’d lost my friends in a terrible accident, and then within days, I lost the only girl I’d ever loved.

  It seemed as though the more time I spent with her, the more the memories of the past came to me. Some of those memories were so sweet my stomach hurt just thinking about it, but some had taught me all I knew about being a hard ass and not letting anyone in. I was starting to think that keeping her around and taunting her wasn’t worth the old memories and that maybe I should fire her.

  I opened my wallet and pulled at the crinkled letter. I unfolded it and read it to myself. Every time I felt myself slipping, I’d read the letter and regroup.

  Finn,

  I can’t be with someone I’m ashamed of. As a God-fearing Christian, I think it’s best if I stayed away from you. Please do not contact me ever again. What we had was nothing more than me trying to get back at my father. It was not love, and I think the best thing is to never speak to each other again.

  Have a nice life.

  Faith

  Even her handwriting hadn’t been sweet. Most girls had bubbly, easy-to-read handwriting. Faith’s had been jagged like the letter itself, and I used to have a hard time reading it. It was memorized after four years, but still, it hurt so good to read it to myself every now and again.

  After the whole black bra situation, I made it a point to stay away from Faith. I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted her gone from the job completely, but until I figured it out, staying away was the best I could come up with.

  I went out with the guys every chance I got and flirted with beautiful women in hopes that something would spark interest for me and I could take one of them home, but every time, I ended up going home alone.

  When we were on the road, girls swarmed our bus and offers were laid on the table for me left and right, but I couldn’t do it. The boys were starting to take notice and ask what the hell was wrong with me.

  “Dude, when’s the
last time you had a piece? You’re starting to look pale and shit. It’s not natural—especially when there are hot-ass females begging to slob your knob,” Chet said as he took a hit from his blunt.

  He passed it my way and instead of turning it down like I’d originally thought I would, I took it from him and hit it three times before I passed it back.

  “You worry entirely too much about my cock, Chet. Is there anything you want to tell me?” I laughed.

  His face got serious. “Yes. Please give it to me, big Daddy.” He joked before he jumped on top of me and pretended to hump my leg.

  “Get the fuck off me!” I laughed.

  Zeke stepped onto the bus and looked at us like we were crazy. Tiny was right behind him.

  “What the fuck?” they said at the same time.

  We played three shows in Texas after that, and it was going to be another month before we went back home. I was glad I wouldn’t have to see Faith again for a while, and I hoped by the time I did, I’d have my shit straight.

  Over that month, I stayed high the entire time. I’d sing to the crowd with my eyes closed some nights, unable to keep them open. The crowd didn’t seem to give a fuck. As long as we were there and I opened my mouth, they were happy.

  One night in particular, I’d gotten so drunk before the show that I accidently fell off the stage. Thankfully, the crowd below caught me and surfed me out and back. I played it off to the rest of the band as if I’d done it on purpose.

  A few times, I took a couple of girls back to my room or the bus, but I’d always leave them hanging or call Chet in to entertain. He didn’t seem to mind having all the ladies to himself. I couldn’t force myself to be interested. Zeke was in love, and Tiny was whatever he was. Who fucking knew when it came to him?