When I got to the bathroom, I tried to push on the door, but it wouldn’t budge. Something was keeping the door from opening all the way. I pushed harder and when I did, I saw my mom’s leg.
“Mom! Oh my God! Mom!”
I ran into the living room and picked up the cheap flip phone that Mom and I shared. I called 9-1-1 and screamed my address into the phone. Jimmy sat on the couch in front of me and started to cry.
“It’s okay, baby. Everything’s okay. Just sit there and be a good boy for Mommy.”
Ten minutes later, the fire department and an ambulance showed up at our apartment. They were able to get into the bathroom and get Mom up on a stretcher.
Jimmy and I followed behind the ambulance to the local hospital. We sat in the waiting room until we were allowed to go back and see her. Apparently, she’d had another stroke. When we got into her room, I was shocked to see my father sitting next to her bed.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, disgusted.
I hadn’t seen him in forever, and I couldn’t think of a single time when he’d seen Jimmy.
“I’m still the first person on her contact list. They called me and I came straight here.” He reached down and cupped her hand.
He looked older. The little bit of hair he did have was gone completely and there were new wrinkles around his eyes and mouth. He looked down at Jimmy and gave him his fake preacher smile.
“I was just leaving,” he said as he stood.
He walked right by us and left without saying good-bye. It hurt that he barely acknowledged my son, or me for that matter. It was amazing how easily he’d given up his family. As a mother, I couldn’t understand it. There was nothing in the world that would make me disown Jimmy—nothing.
I sat by Mom’s side. Jimmy ate some vending machine food and fell asleep in the chair on the other side of Mom’s bed. When she finally woke up, I called a nurse in and she examined her. Her blood pressure was way too high and the doctors were concerned that she might have another stroke.
The following morning, I called in to Mrs. Cooper to let her know that I wouldn’t be making it to work. I explained what had happened to my mom and she said she’d take care of it.
After running some tests, the doctor determined that Mom would have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks.
“I’m so sorry, Faith.” Mom apologized when we found out she wasn’t going to be released soon. “Who else are you going to get to watch Jimmy so you can work?”
“Mom, do not apologize to me. Don’t you worry about Jimmy. I’ll take care of everything. You just get better,” I said as I held her hand.
I was happy that Mom and I had a decent mother-daughter relationship. I hadn’t had that since I was younger and I missed it.
When I left the hospital, I sat in my car and gathered my thoughts. I had to figure out what to do with Jimmy while I went to work. Missing an entire week, or however long it took for Mom to get released, wasn’t something I could do. I wasn’t even sure Mom would be able to watch him anymore. I couldn’t take the chance of something else happening to her and Jimmy being left alone again.
I called around to daycares, but the prices were insane. I’d have to pay them half of what I made a week for him to stay there. The only way I was going to make this work was to get a second job. So the following day, while I was at one of the daycares applying for Jimmy to get a spot, I also applied for a job.
The daycare director hired me as soon as I turned in the application, and thankfully, my hours were eight to two Monday through Friday. That gave me enough time to go to the condo after the daycare and clean. Mrs. Karen, the daycare director, said it would be perfectly fine for Jimmy to stay at the daycare all day. I’d still have to pay, of course, but all worked out well.
The only thing I couldn’t get around was school. So once again, I had to drop out. I hated to do it, but Jimmy and work always came first. If I didn’t feed him and put a roof over his head, then no one else would.
From that day forward, my schedule was nuts. I worked the daycare every day from eight in the morning until two in the afternoon. From that point on, I’d go to the condo and spend the next three to four hours cleaning. Once I was done cleaning, I’d go back to the daycare, pick up Jimmy, and go home, where I’d make us dinner. After dinner was bath time followed soon after by bedtime.
I continued to study my books just in case I was able to go back to school. So once Jimmy went to sleep, I’d pull out the books and study until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Every morning it was the same routine and every day was the same. I hardly ate, I barely slept, but I worked constantly.
Luckily, I hardly saw Finn. Coming later in the day was apparently the trick. Not to mention, Blow Hole had been doing a lot of shows lately and were out of town constantly. It worked. I was too busy to be happy or unhappy about my situation.
Even after Mom came home from the hospital, I continued this way. Watching Jimmy was just too much for her. He was a rambunctious three-year-old and Mom was getting up there in age. Her health was most important, and I wanted to be sure to keep her stress levels down like the doctor had suggested.
After a few weeks of the same schedule, I could feel myself wearing down. I hardly got to see Jimmy at all since I took care of the babies and he was in a separate class at the daycare. I missed him so much it hurt. Mom was having issues with her memory and her right hand, and that was making it hard for her do to things on her own.
I spent my days working and silently cursing all the men who were major factors in my life—Finn and my father. They were doing whatever they wanted while Mom and I continued to struggle to hold it all together. Then I’d spend my nights trying to sleep and having nightmares in the moments when I did catch a brief nap.
I’d never before been so happy to see Friday roll around. Even if I did spend my weekends lying around with Jimmy or running around the park, it was time with him and that’s all that mattered.
I scrubbed the guest bathroom vigorously. It was one of the last rooms I had to get done before I left for the day and spend the weekend with my baby boy. I was leaning over the tub and rinsing the cleaner from the bottom, when I felt someone standing behind me.
I didn’t bother turning around. The soft scent of Finn’s cologne wafted in on the bathroom steam that was floating around. I’d gone a while without seeing him, but I’d always known that I’d run into him again. I was cleaning his condo after all. The heat from the hot water in the tub was no match to Finn’s heat when he moved up behind me.
“No backpack full of high school books today?” he asked.
“No,” I said as I continued to scrub.
“Gave up on tutoring high schoolers already? That’s so unlike you to give up on someone, Faith. Oh wait, maybe it’s not so unlike you after all.”
His sarcasm made my stomach turn. I knew exactly what he was getting at, but I was too exhausted to play battle of the wits with him.
“I wasn’t tutoring anyone but myself.”
I gave the tub a final rinse and stood full, stretching the ache out of my back. I was too young to feel so old.
“Tutoring yourself? You’re a little too old for high school, don’t you think? You graduated a few years ago. I’m sure you’re getting close to graduating from whatever fancy Christian college your daddy forced you to go to.” He continued to verbally poke my nerves.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said as I collected my things and moved on to the last room.
“Oh, come on. Enlighten me on this one, Faith. How’s your dad feel about the fact that you’re in my home every day?” He chuckled to himself.
I’d had enough. I was exhausted and tired of Finn’s smart mouth.
“Just stop already! I’ve seen my father once in the last three years, okay? I was going back to school to try and get my diploma. I was forced to quit school before I graduated. I’m sure it makes you happy to know that my life isn’t all peaches and cream, but th
at’s what it is.”
I turned and attempted to move away from him.
“What do you mean ‘was’ going back to school? Are you not going anymore?” he asked.
His eyes moved across my face, leaving me feeling entirely too exposed.
“I had to quit. It’s no big deal,” I said as I sidestepped him and made my way into the laundry room to drop off the dirty towels.
Again, he followed behind me.
“Please, Finn, just drop it. I’m tired and I don’t feel like this today.”
I was starting to feel weak. I didn’t know if it was his poking into my personal life, the lack of sleep I’d been getting, or the fact that I hadn’t really eaten anything in the last two days. Either way, it didn’t matter. The room was moving under my feet and the gray laundry room walls were starting to blur.
“Are you okay?” he asked with pinched brows.
I wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but I definitely wasn’t feeling okay. I just wanted to finish the job and go home and relax for the weekend. I turned toward him again.
“I’m fine. Just let me finish my—”
I never got to finish my sentence. The room danced around me a few times before going completely black.
Twenty-Four
Finn
She dropped like a sack of potatoes in a mix of dirty towels. I flew across the room and scooped her into my arms. She felt lighter than the last time I’d carried her. Something was up with her and as much as I tried not to care, I couldn’t help it.
All this time I’d wanted nothing more than to watch her suffer, but now that the pieces of Faith’s life were coming together, I wasn’t so sure I was happy to see her so unhappy. She never smiled—ever. It was as if she didn’t know how to anymore. I wasn’t sure if she just hated being around me, which was understandable since I’d gone out of my way to get under her skin, but she always looked so damn miserable.
I laid her on my bed and got a cold rag to press against her flushed cheeks. I was the only one in the condo since everyone had gone out for the night. I contemplated calling an ambulance, but by the time I got my cell, she was already starting to come to.
I sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she blinked and slowly figured out where she was. The room was so silent that I could hear her stomach growling loudly. Had she not been eating? And by the look at the dark rings around her eyes, she was either strung out big time or not sleeping. I had to go with no sleep since I knew Faith would never touch drugs. At least the girl I thought she once was never would have.
She tried to lean up on her elbows, but she wasn’t successful.
“When’s the last time you ate?” I asked.
She looked over at me as if she was just realizing I was there and closed her eyes again.
“I ate earlier. I can’t believe I fainted. Just let me finish up around here and I’ll be out of your hair.” Again, she tried to get up.
It was obvious she was weak, and I was starting to feel bad for her.
“Don’t worry about the damn condo. It’s fine the way it is. Earlier like when? An hour ago? Lunch at noon?” I asked.
Something told me she was lying. No way would her stomach be growling so loudly after only a few hours. I knew hunger and I also knew that stomachs that growled like hers did had gone a few days without food.
“I ate lunch.”
She couldn’t even look me in the eye with that lame-ass lie.
“You’re lying,” I said.
She glared over at me.
“I don’t lie,” she growled.
I chuckled. “That’s a lie.”
She jumped off of my bed, grabbing the edge when she lost her balance.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m leaving. I don’t have to take this crap,” she said as she tried to walk to the door. I stopped her and forced her to sit back down.
“You’re not going anywhere until you can walk straight.” I crossed my arms over my chest as I stood above her.
She looked up at me and rolled her eyes. “You can’t keep me prisoner here, Finn. I have somewhere I have to be.”
Did she have a date? Why the fuck did I hate the idea of her dating? She was beautiful. Of course, she was dating. Why wasn’t the guy she was dating making sure she was eating properly? What if it was someone who treated her badly? What he beat her or some crazy shit like that?
My brain wouldn’t stop as I thought every bad scenario she could’ve possibly gotten herself into.
“You can stay put right here while I go make you a sandwich or something. You need to eat.”
“You don’t know anything about what I need. What I need is to be away from you!” she yelled. Her voice sounded rough and it cracked.
Her words stung a little, but I guess I deserved them, considering I’d been a dick since we ran into each other again.
“You yell a lot. I don’t remember you yelling you so much before. You’ve become a bit of a bitch over the years, huh?” I shook my head and sighed.
“Don’t call me that!” She stood up and pushed me.
“And you’re awfully abusive, but I guess I know where you got that bad habit.”
I hadn’t meant to sound so rude and I hadn’t meant to be mean when I said that. It was the truth. We both knew it was. Her father used to beat her. It only made sense that she’d pick up the habit.
She didn’t like what I said. She pushed even harder and literally growled at me. I almost laughed, but I figured laughing in her face would only piss her off more.
“Come on. Sit down and I’ll get you something to eat.”
“I don’t want anything from you! I just want to go home!” Again, she pushed me.
I was disgusted by the fact that her pushing me around was kind of turning me on. It wasn’t every day that anyone stood up to me and the fact that this tiny girl did just that was kind of hot.
“Why are you so angry all the damn time? You need to relax. Let’s call a truce until you eat something.”
I was trying to be reasonable, but she wasn’t having it.
“Why am I so mad? Maybe because of you! You push my buttons and you make me so… you make me so damn mad!” She covered her mouth when the word came out. Her face was bright red in anger and embarrassment. It was probably the cutest fucking thing I’d ever seen. Faith had probably never said a cuss word in her life.
I couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing. It was uncontrollable laughter that hurt my stomach. Apparently, laughing at her was all it took. She charged me with tiny hands and pushed me up against the wall. I could have stood strong, but it was too funny to watch her rough me up. It was super hot and I was getting hard.
“Don’t you dare laugh at me. I’m so mad!”
I didn’t know she was capable of such anger. She’d always been so meek and mild—always letting people run over her like she was nothing. It was one of the main reasons I’d been so shocked when she up and left me hanging. Part of me knew it had to be someone else’s fault, but at the same time, I was upset that she didn’t care enough to stay.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” I continued to laugh. “You’re like a rabid Chihuahua puppy.”
Anger flared in her eyes again. “Are you calling me a dog?” Again, she pushed me up against the wall.
I stopped laughing and took a good look at her. She was so different—so jaded. What had happened to her to change her so much? For me, it was her leaving me high and dry—literally—but her leaving me couldn’t have done this to her. Someone else had to.
The thought of anyone else hurting her made me irate.
“What happened to you?” I asked. “Who made you this way?”
The better question was why did I care?
She stepped away from me with sad eyes. Her face dropped and for a second I thought maybe she’d pass out again.
“You happened,” she said as she looked me straight in the eyes.
A tear wobbled on her lashes, but
she swiped it away before it had a chance to fall.
“No. You happened to me. You left me,” I said as I dug my finger into my chest. “You don’t get to be altered. You don’t get to be hurt by it. I do.”
Her face paled before her cheeks filled with red heat again.
“You’re joking, right? I hurt you? Yeah, you were so hurt that a week later you were screwing your ex-girlfriend? Wow, Finn, you must’ve really been heartbroken.” A tear leaked down her cheek before she turned and hauled ass out of the room.
I was on her heels. I had no fucking idea what she was talking about, but I hadn’t had sex with anyone for a freaking year after Faith left. She didn’t know what the hell she was saying, but I wasn’t having it. She wasn’t allowed to play the victim in this. I was the victim. I was the one who was hurt—not her. She was the one that left me.
Before she could open the front door, I caught it and slammed it shut.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? You don’t know what you’re talking about. I suggest you get your story straight before you start pretending like the poor preacher’s daughter with me,” I yelled back.
“Oh, I don’t know what I’m talking about? I saw you, Finn. I saw you with my own two eyes. I came back. I ran away from California and I came back to you, but you were there with her on your couch. I turned and walked away and I never looked back.”
Again, she tried to pull the door open to leave. She was talking out of her head. Maybe she was medicated or something. She had to be on something. Her story was nuts and there was no way in hell I was falling for it.
“You’re crazy. You’re really crazy,” I said as I released the door for her.
I’d dealt with crazy bitches before, but Faith took the cake. She was talking out of her head and making up stories on the spot. I hadn’t touched Jenny and I knew for fact that Faith never came back. I knew that because I’d received a letter from her saying how much she hated me a week after she left. She was nuts. It was impossible for her to be in two places at once.
“Yeah, you’re right. I am crazy. I should’ve never gone back to South Carolina. Especially after that awful letter you sent me,” she said before pulling the door open and running out.
Finding Faith Page 19
