She left me there staring after her like she was a fucking nutcase. She left me there with doubts about the past and the way things really happened, and she left me there wondering what fucking letter she was talking about. I’d never sent her any letter.
An hour later, after sitting and thinking over the argument we had, the memory of Leroy telling me he had to pull Jenny off me came back quick and clear. Had Faith really come back for me? And if so, was it at the exact moment that Leroy told me about? Things were getting complicated, and as much I knew I should’ve just let the past go and move on, I couldn’t. I wanted answers and I wanted to not feel things for Faith.
Twenty-Five
Faith
I couldn’t get food into my body fast enough. I was so embarrassed that I’d fainted in front of Finn again. I was turning into a weakling who was passing out at the drop of a hat. I needed meat and veggies, and I needed them as soon as possible.
Instead of cooking, I took the three of us out to dinner. Jimmy always got excited when we ate dinner out, and I enjoyed seeing him get excited about all the food on the buffet.
I ate my food and mulled through the argument Finn and I had earlier. I silently wished I could take back everything I’d said. I hated that I’d shown him my weakness like that. But mainly what bothered me was the fact that he had looked seriously offended when I said I knew about him sleeping with Jenny right after I left. Maybe I’d seen it the wrong way. When I closed my eyes, I could still play the scene over in my head and every time I did, I could clearly see Finn’s eyes closed with his arms at his side. Was he passed out?
It wasn’t like I could ask him. I needed to drop it and leave the past in the past, but the problem with that was every time I looked at my son, the past was there to haunt me. Those blue eyes, those sweet dimples, and a smile that was a perfect match to his father’s—it was all too much.
Saturday and Sunday I spent cleaning my own apartment. I started calling Jimmy Hurricane Jimmy, since the boy could destroy a room in less than two minutes flat. It wasn’t that he had a ton of toys; it was that he turned everything into something to play with. Boxes became cars and ships, and paper became people and airplanes. I was happy that my baby had an active imagination. It worked well since I couldn’t afford to buy him much.
I hated to do it, but the following Monday after work at the daycare, I went to the condo to clean. I hadn’t heard anything back from any of the places I’d applied to, so I called Mrs. Cooper to check in and see if she’d heard anything. Sadly, she was still in search mode, but she did have some good news for me. I was happy to hear that the boys were out of town again.
When I got to the condo, no one was there. I went through and checked all the rooms so there were no surprises and then I cleaned the entire place. By the time I was done, I was drenched in sweat and I had something gross all over the front of my clothes. I knew I was there alone so I thought I’d throw my clothes in the wash and grab a bath. Finn’s massive tub had been calling my name since the first time I’d cleaned it.
I took a towel with me to the laundry room and put all my clothes in the machine. Wrapping the towel around myself, I went back to Finn’s bathroom to a filling tub. Dropping my towel, I lowered myself into the hot water and sighed in contentment. The tub at my apartment was always full of kid’s toys and was so small. I’d never taken a bath there and my body longed for a nice long soak in steaming water.
I adjusted my hair into a tighter bun, closed my eyes, and lay back in the tub. Every ache and pain in my body felt better as all my muscles relaxed and melted into the heat. The steam opened up my sinuses and somehow I felt like I could breathe better. I used my hands to scoop up the hot water around me and lapped it over my breasts and shoulders.
“Oh my God, this is amazing,” I said to myself.
“Yes, it is,” a deep voice said from beside me.
I sat up and covered myself. Turning to reach for my towel, I found Finn leaning against the counter with the towel thrown across his shoulder.
His smoldering eyes touched every part of my body as I tried to sink farther into the water.
“Give me my towel, Finn,” I said with a growl.
“That’s no way to ask for something you want, Faith. I know you have better manners than that.”
He had no shame in looking at me. I, on the other hand, couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing me. I’d had a baby and things were different. Not to mention, he’d already said how awful I looked. It was beyond embarrassing and I knew the minute I got home Mrs. Cooper was going to call about my little swim in my employee’s bathtub. Of course I’d get fired over something so stupid.
“Please, Finn, give it to me,” I said in the nicest way possible, considering I was dying of humiliation.
“Oh, I’ll give it to you, baby. You only have to ask once,” he said as he dropped the towel and stalked over to the tub with a grin.
I held my hands out to stop him. “I meant the towel!” I said quickly.
His eyes dipped down and took in my bare breasts. I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped covering them to hold out my hands to stop him. His smile grew as I covered myself again.
“Your mouth says no, but your nipples say yes. What does the rest of you say?”
His voice was so low and smooth. It worked itself over my wet skin and rippled inside my thighs and lower stomach.
“Don’t talk to me like that,” I said.
Not that I didn’t like it, but the way he was making my body feel was wrong. Everything about the situation I had myself in was wrong.
“What’s wrong? Don’t like it when a man talks dirty? Are you too innocent for that still?”
I ignored his questions. He was making me uncomfortable. He was waking up parts of my body that had been asleep for a long time, and it was making me anxious.
“Can I please have my towel?” I asked again.
His dimples popped and for the first time since I’d run into him again, he looked like the old Finn. The way he was looking at me was playful and sweet—not playful and sinister.
“Let’s play a game. Say something dirty to me, and I’ll give you this towel,” he said as he reached down and plucked the towel from the tile.
My cheeks ached from the heat of my embarrassment. I wasn’t going to talk dirty to him. I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted. I hated that he had the upper hand over me. Not to mention, I had no idea how to talk dirty.
I silently wished I wasn’t so embarrassed by my body. Any other girl would have the confidence to step out of the bathtub and walk away. Not me. The thought of getting out in front of him made my nerves jump into my throat.
“I’m not.” The water was cooling and I could feel myself starting to shiver.
“Then you’re not getting this towel. You’re welcome to get out. Where are your clothes anyway?”
He had me there.
“They’re in the wash. I spilled something gross on my shirt.”
He put his head down and chuckled to himself. When he looked back up at me, the amusement in his eyes angered me. “No clothes either. Whatever will you do, Faith?”
“Okay, enough screwing around, Finn. Please give me my towel so I can get out of here.”
“But we haven’t screwed around yet. How can that be enough?” He countered. “I’m still waiting to hear something dirty. Come on, you can do it. It will only hurt a little the first time.”
Everything he said sounded like sexual innuendo and every time he spoke, my memory flashed back to that night on the beach when he pleasured me with his mouth or my first time when he’d held me so close and took to me heaven.
He was winning and I hated it. He had the upper hand and that frustrated me beyond words.
“Fine! What do you want me to say?” I gave in.
The water was beginning to feel colder and I wanted out of it.
He had the nerve to laugh at me. “I don’t know. Surprise me,” he said with a grin.
I racked my brain for something dirty to say, but I’d only ever had two sexual experiences and they were both with Finn. Our past together was the last thing I wanted to bring up. Nothing was coming to me, and the longer I sat there, the colder the water was getting. Every time I moved and the water swished against my skin, I trembled.
“I don’t know what to say,” I said honestly.
This time he didn’t laugh. Instead, his serious eyes settled on me and consumed my body.
“Tell me something that’s true,” he said.
Of course he’d make it even harder. Telling the truth was difficult when I was around Finn. The truth could cause heartache when it came to him.
The truth was he was my only and I didn’t want him to know that. I didn’t want him to know how special our night together had been for me. My mind moved across my memories and settled on the night on the beach—the night when he’d shown me the stars and heaven all at the same time.
“Sometimes when I touch myself, I think about our night at the beach and what you did with your mouth.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I wished I could take them back. Fire filled his eyes and his mouth pinched into a frown. At first I was afraid I’d offended him, but then he swallowed hard and stepped toward me with my towel in his hand.
Leaning over the tub, he pushed a strand of my hair from my face and ran his knuckle softly down my cheek.
“That was probably the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard a woman say. Was it the truth?” he said as he handed me my towel.
I stood and covered myself at the same time. Cold water dripped from my body and I shivered. I stepped out of the tub, but he stood his ground. He was so close, so big and tall compared to me. I looked up into his eyes once I had my towel wrapped around myself.
“Yes,” I said.
I could hardly believe I was talking to him like that. It wasn’t something I ever did. My cheeks burned as usual and I wanted nothing more than to leave immediately—even if I had to do it in wet clothes.
He shocked me when he cupped my cheeks with his hands and ran his thumb across my bottom lip. His touch did something to me. Pushed away the past and brought me into the future—one where Finn hadn’t broken my heart. The chill in my body slipped away and was replaced with a heat I hadn’t felt since I was seventeen.
I swallowed hard and licked my dry lips. His eyes darted to my mouth and he slowly started to move in. Nerves loosened my knees and made me wobble a little. I leaned my head back a bit and closed my eyes. It was wrong letting him kiss me, but when his lips pressed again mine, it felt so right.
A soft moan slipped from my mouth. I’d waited so long to feel that way again. I’d waited so long so be touched or kissed. I hadn’t planned on it being Finn, but there was something almost comical about the fact that it was.
His arm slid around my waist and warmed me more. I didn’t resist when he pulled my body to his. I should’ve. I should’ve pulled away and slapped him, but my body was begging for just a taste of what Finn could give me. I’d had it before. I knew what he was capable of, and I was seconds away from begging him for it.
My body throbbed with the beat of my heart, and I feared he could feel it when he wrapped his other arm around me and held me tighter.
I opened my mouth and let him in as he slid his slick tongue across mine. His kisses were so strong and intense. He took so much from me but gave a lot. The minute I gave in completely, my body melted against his. I wrapped my arms around his neck, forgetting about the towel that was covering me.
He started to back me up against the bathroom counter and I let him. The cold granite stung my backside and I gasped into his mouth. As if I weighed nothing, he lifted me onto the cold counter and continued to kiss me. My mind was screaming for me to stop him, but my body longed for everything he was doing.
The pulse between my thighs was beating hard and begged for his touch. When his finger pressed against that moist pulsing point, I called out against my will. It felt so amazing and I needed it. I’d deserved to feel this good. After the four years I’d had, I deserved it. When he slid his fingers into me, I almost cried happy tears.
“God, you’re so wet, baby,” he said against my mouth.
His words slid down my throat, past my stomach, and straight to the sensitive part of me he was stimulating.
My body tensed up, on the verge of release, when suddenly he pulled his hands away from me. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He stared down at me with aqua irises and ran his nose across mine.
“I’ve wanted this for so long,” he said as he unzipped his jeans.
My conscience was kicking in, but the sinner inside me pushed it away. The crackle of his condom wrapper echoed into the bathroom. The sounds of our heated breaths muffled it a bit.
My mind was going a hundred miles per hour. He’d worn a condom before, too, but that obviously didn’t work. I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve said no and walked away, but once I felt the tip of him pushing inside me, every thought I had crashed and burned.
I threw my head back as his hips began to thrust over and over again. My palms held me up enough so my back didn’t touch the cold mirror behind me.
“I want you to think of this moment the next time you touch yourself,” he said as he moved hard and fast against me.
The room around me faded away and my body began to tingle. A rush of heat moved through my core and dropped down into my thighs. My release was just out of reach, but it was definitely there.
The sound of our bodies coming together echoed throughout the room. It was an exotic sound that intensified everything I was feeling.
He pushed his fingers into my hair and forced me to look at him. His mouth slammed against mine and his tongue worked with the rhythm of his hips—fast and hard—nothing like that the last time we’d had sex. I didn’t hate it.
I tried to close my eyes again, but he wasn’t having it.
“Look at me. I want you to look at me when you come.”
His words sent me over the edge. Every nerve in my body climbed high before crashing and colliding where our two bodies met. I kept my eyes on him like he’d asked as I moaned and cried out my release. It felt like nothing I’d ever known.
Within seconds, he threw his head back and growled before slamming his body into mine one final hard time.
His breathing was hard against my neck as he trembled between my legs. I leaned up and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him close to me. Residual shivers went through my body and caused me a jerk a little every now and again.
I expected him to look up at me and smile. I somehow thought things might be different since we’d come together so beautifully again, but when he pulled back and looked down at me, it wasn’t happiness I saw on his face. It was anger.
“What did you do to me?” he said as he pulled away. I slid down from the countertop and collected my towel. I wrapped it around myself and followed behind him as he left the bathroom and righted his clothes.
“Finn? Is everything okay?” I asked.
I couldn’t believe what we’d done. We hated each other, but apparently the attraction was still there for both of us. A lot of things were still there for me when it came to Finn, although I’d never admit it.
“No! Things are definitely not okay. We shouldn’t have done that. It was a mistake,” he said.
His words slammed into my chest and broke my heart all over again. He thought I was a mistake. He was looking at me like I was disgusting. Maybe he wasn’t so attracted to me after all.
A mistake. The word burned through my brain and spiked my anger. I went to his dresser and pulled out one of his T-shirts and a pair of his boxers. I folded them; I knew where they were.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he said loudly.
I looked over at the clock and knew I was running late to get Jimmy from the daycare. I’d been playing around with someone who obviously never gave two shits about me. I couldn’t
believe how stupid I’d been. How could I have fallen for his games again?
“My clothes are wet and I need to get out of here.”
I almost let it slip that my son was waiting for me. I had to be more careful around Finn.
I tugged on his T-shirt and pulled the boxers up over my hips. He stood beside his bed and watched me like a hawk—a really angry hawk.
“I can’t believe I fell for that again,” I said clearly as I walked around him and left the room.
I heard him behind me and then I felt his hand wrap around the top of my arm before he swung me around to face him.
“You? I can’t believe I fell for your shit again. You’re not the victim here, Faith. I am! And you know what I say to that? I say fuck it! And fuck you for even thinking for a second that you could slide your pretty little ass back into my life and all would be right with the world. The world ain’t got shit on a man with a past like mine.”
I flinched at his words and I felt the tears coming. I tried to pull away again. I was sick of crying for him, and I was determined he’d never see them fall again.
All I could think about was Jimmy and how I’d almost died giving birth to him—the pain that I went through all alone because Finn was such a jerk. The beatings I took just to be with him even for an hour to two. I’d bled for him and this was how he was going to treat me again? I was done.
Everything I’d felt over the last four years of my life came together in that moment and filled me with so much hurt that I thought I’d fall to the floor and curl up in the fetal position. Tears slipped from my eyes against my will, and I swiped at them.
“You asshole! I bled for you!” I yelled as I pushed against his chest and tried to get away.
His cheeks flushed red in anger; his nostrils flared as he breathed out hard. Then he was in my face, staring down at me with red-hot eyes. All signs of the heated moment we’d just had in the bathroom were gone.
Finding Faith Page 20
