by Gigi Aceves
“How can nothing change when I’m huge? I’m as wide as a door,” Trish says slowly.
“You’re not as wide as the door, Trish. How about we call it a night since this damn bingo game is giving me a headache.” LT says as he looks at everyone, waiting for our answer.
“I agree. Honey, let’s go to bed,” Tami says, wiggling her brows at Brian.
“Trish, let’s go. I need you to rest now,” Jake says, wrapping his arms around Trish guiding her toward the stairs.
As I walk up the stairs my mind races, my palms sweat and my heart beats rapidly, knowing Cody and I will be alone without our friends as buffers. I’m almost one hundred percent positive, we’ll talk about the problem as soon as he closes the door. I sit on the bed, facing the window, praying hard to win this argument. A couple of minutes later, I hear the door close, and the mood in the room changes from green to red. It’s hitting a critical-sirens-blaring-you-need-to-run stage.
Cody, almost always, never talks to a person whose back faces him, so him standing right in front of me didn’t surprise me at all. His closeness sends a chill down my spine, not because I’m afraid of him, but because I don’t want to lie to him. I’ve put so much weight on trust, and here I am breaking his. At this moment, I’m hating myself. I’m hating how I’m slowly becoming like my father.
With his feet firmly planted on the floor, his stance rigid as a Marine standing at attention with his arms over his chest, and an unreadable mask covering his handsome face, he finally opens his mouth.
“Out with it, Roxy. This will be the last time we’ll talk about this, so make it count. There’s two things I want to tell you before you decide on whether to tell me the truth, or blatantly lie to me. One, I love you, completely. Two, I hope you love me enough not to lie to me. So, go ahead and talk, Rox. I’m all ears.”
I couldn’t even look at him. I don’t know what to say, where to start, and how to lie. I stay quiet, playing with my fingers and looking at the floor. Well, I’m looking at his feet. Cody is wearing jeans, black shirt, and his feet are bare. Nothing is sexier than that, and my eyes can’t resist him. My eyes start at his feet, then travel upward, landing on his package. I stare at it for a couple of seconds, and my eyes continue their exploration while I lick my lips in appreciation. He may not be naked, but I know his body like my own. Every bulge, every defined muscle, every solid, hard surface, every inch of him belongs to me. Ever so slowly, my eyes move up toward his chest where his shirt is stretched tightly, and I remember, vividly, the last time I ran my fingers on his chest as he made love to me. My eyes travel north and land on his kissable lips, while my mouth waters needing to taste him…wanting to taste him. Finally, giving in to what my heart wants to see, my eyes waste no more time and gaze at his. His baby blues thaw the thick iceberg size boulder I try to cover my heart with, to do what needs to be done.
We stare at each other for a few heart beats. A strong sense of love, fused with a lot of hurt, and a trace of anger shifts between him and me. The intensity is so strong, denying it is close to impossible. Since he already said what he wanted to, there’s no way he would say anything else until I do. So….I do.
“What do you want me to say?” Shaking my head and blowing out the breath I’ve been holding, I say, “There’s nothing to say.”
Without moving an inch, he says, “How about you tell me the truth. That’s all I want to hear, Rox. I don’t need an explanation, just the truth.”
My heart wants to shout the truth, it truly does, but my mind is fighting back, knowing I can’t. I have to do what I was told to save him…to save them. My heart and mind continue to battle like two gladiators bloodied and tired, bruised and broken; no one willing to back down. Instead, both try to break each other into submission, while I wait.
Cody starts shaking his head, wearing a smirk on his face. I know, by now means he’s getting really pissed at me. It’s now or never. Either put up or shut up. Tell the truth or tell a lie. Why must life be so hard? Why are there always choices to make? Why? While I’m pondering what to say, he speaks again….and this time he draws first blood….
My heart is now bleeding.
“You’ll never trust me, ever, will you? So, those times you said you loved me, you never did. How can you love someone you can’t fucking trust? I should’ve realized it, right? But stupid me listened to this,” he says as he jams his pointer finger straight to his heart. “While I put my heart and life on the line for you, this is what I get. I get nothing, but silence. Where is the tough-I-can’t-keep-my-mouth-shut girl I fell in love with, huh? The girl who claims trustworthiness is the next best thing to God. Haven’t I shown it? Haven’t I loved you enough? Tell me!”
He moves closer to me, grabs me by my arms, and pulls me up. We are so close, his nose almost touching mine. His eyes piercing my heart. His hot breath fanning my face, intoxicating my heart, and sobering my brain at the same time. How can one man have such an effect on me? It’s simple, Roxy, he has your heart, and you have his. Simple as that. I want to slap myself for thinking it’s as simple as that.
Nothing…nothing in this situation is simple at all.
My hands move on their own, gripping his face. “You’ve loved me enough, too much actually. You’ve shown me too, countless times, beyond my wildest imagination, because you’re willing to sacrifice everything for me. So, let me show you how much I love you. Let me…allow me. You always say your life for mine, but can it be my life for yours? Is it only you who can sacrifice for us, and not me? Please, believe me, there’s nothing going on. Nothing, love, nothing. I love you, Cody. You have to believe me.” My eyes continue to stare at his, willing him to understand me…hoping he’ll understand me.
His eyes soften and my heart stops bleeding, momentarily. “There’s always a way, love. There’s always a way. Not mine or yours…there’s our way. Why can’t we both do it? Please, don’t take you away from me. You promised me you wouldn’t. You promised me this.” He says, softly, as he puts his hand over my chest. His eyes showing no hint of anger, but instead, pleading eyes are looking back at me.
I pull him closer to me, resting my forehead to his. My breath mingling with his as his closeness coats my bleeding heart.
“And, you promised me yours,” I say, as my lips touch his.
“I won’t let you.”
“It’s not up to you.”
Cody pulls my hands off his face and takes two steps back. Indignation apparent on his face. I’m not surprised at all when he pulls away. I expect it, because if I were him, I’d do the same thing. I’d feel the same way.
I’d hate me….
I’d leave me….
Throwing his hands up in the air he says, “That’s it exactly! It’s not up to either one of us! You need to tell us what the fuck is going on, so we can plan accordingly. What is so hard to understand about that?”
I abruptly turn and start walking away from him, because my nerves are going crazy. The feelings swirling around me are like a thousand volts running through my body. The ongoing war with my body and mind is still raging inside me. Stretching me to my limits….pounding on me without mercy. I’m like a bomb, waiting to explode.
Cody’s loud voice rattles my already nervous state and paralyzes me. “Don’t you walk away from me! You may have run away from your father without him chasing you, but it won’t be the same here! I want to hear it straight from your mouth that you’re giving up on us because of your own selfish reasons! You.will.face.me! Fucking tell me!”
The moment I hear the word ‘selfish’ it seems as if it’s the only thing he said. I focus in on that one word which makes me see red. The hurt that comes along with hearing that one word causes me to unleash what I shouldn’t have. I face him and start spewing things. A mouth diarrhea commences and no amount of meds can stop it.
“Me, selfish? I can’t believe you just said that. It’s that stupid need of yours to control everything that’s driving you insane! I am allowed to think however I
want. I can make decisions without asking you, or it going through a stupid board meeting. It’s my life! My choices!”
He moves so quickly; before I can even process what’s going on, he’s standing right in front of me, again. His jaw throbbing from grinding on it too much; his smiling blue eyes are nothing, but lethal blue darts shooting at me. While his lips are in a tight line, sealed shut, he’s trying his hardest not to say anything.
“Your choices? Your life? What about my choices, huh? Since when did our relationship turn into a dictatorship? Your responsibility doesn’t begin and end with only yourself in mind! What do you think will happen to me when something happens to you? Have you thought about that?”
We’re both, giving our lungs a lot of exercise. I know our friends are hearing this, but at this point, I don’t think anyone could stop us.
“I can ask you the same damn question, Cody! All these things are happening because of me. I am the only one who can stop this. No one else. Not you, not my brother. No.One.But.Me!”
I take a little step forward, and instead of his breath mixing with mine, it’s spit we’re now sharing since our outrage with each other is beyond rational. It’s spiraling out of control, and neither one of us at this point cares enough to stop.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Well, you giving up your life for mine is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, too!”
Suddenly, the door opens and slams against the wall. Our gazes swing to my brother whose face is a mask of fury. LT stalks toward Cody and me pushing him hard, then he’s facing me.
“What the hell is wrong with the two of you?” He yells at us, but his stare is only aimed at me.
“That’s what I’m trying to find out. What the fuck is wrong with her!” Cody yells back as he points at me.
My brother turns toward him. “Stand the fuck down! Get your shit together before you open your mouth again. Are we clear?” LT’s authoritative voice rings loud and clear.
Cody nods at him and closes his eyes, as he takes a deep breath. Then, Damien’s attention is back on me. I make sure I’m staring him right in the eye, not because I want him to know I’m not afraid of him, but that my decision is made; and he can’t change it…no one can.
“Here’s how this is gonna go down. You stay put. Sit your ass on that bed. You are not to go out of this house without letting him know.” LT points at Cody and continues his rant. “You hungry, you tell him; you want to take a piss, you tell him; you want to leave this room, you ask permission if you can do so. I don’t know what’s going on in that fucking brain of yours, and I seriously, don’t give a fuck! I called Gunny, and he’ll be here soon.”
Fisting my hands, I glare at him. “Why would you do that? Oh my God! For the tenth billion time, there’s nothing going on. Cody is just being a control freak. I seriously don’t know what you guys want from me.”
“If this is how you wanna play it, I’m cool with it. When Gunny gets here though, this joke you got going on here, it ends.” My brother has the audacity to smirk at me.
How am I going to control this situation that’s currently imploding right before my eyes? Betraying every single one of them will break my heart, but I don’t see any other way. There’s no other way. God, if there’s another way, please….please show me. However, the only thing I know right now is, I need space from both of them.
Pointing at the door, I yell the loudest I’ve ever yelled in my life.
“Get the hell out! NOW!”
Seeing my brother walk out hits me hard, but nothing compares to the agonizing pain I’m feeling when Cody walks away without even a glance my way. I can tell he has given up on me, and I don’t blame him one bit. I’d give up on me, too. I know, we have an unmistakable love. I can feel it in my bones, to the very depths of my soul. However, if it’s truly the love everyone craves to have, how can I allow him to get hurt, knowing I can save him. He may see it as the ultimate deception…but for me, it’s submission to my devotion to him that moved me to this point.
“Cody, living room, now!” LT turns around and yells at me as he walks toward the kitchen.
I don’t argue, and I don’t answer. My mind is a smorgasbord of emotions. I can’t seem to process one single thing, let alone understand each one at the same time. I can’t believe she blatantly lied to me. Consumed by my own thoughts, I don’t see Brian standing in front of me, slamming into him in the process.
“Hey, slow down there, man.” Brian holds onto my shoulders, righting me. “Sit down, man. Collect your thoughts, because when Gunny gets here, he’ll want to hear straight from you what the hell is going on.”
Jake and LT walk in a second later, both looking at me as though I’m a caged animal. I feel that I am. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Roxy would out right disregard my feelings. I thought, we’re in a relationship.
US…as in her and me.
Well, apparently not. Perhaps, I created a fairy tale in my brain, a happy ending that will never be.
LT breaks the silence; he normally does. “Yelling and losing your shit won’t solve anything. You know this! What the hell just happened in there?”
I don’t want to say anything, because nothing makes sense right now. The dominant feelings eating me up are anger and disappointment. I’m angry she’s already decided on what course of action to take without talking to me. Without considering how I feel. Disappointed because I thought I meant something to her. I thought no one would ever come between us, and if someone did it wouldn’t be either one of us. Apparently, I’m also wrong about that.
Jake lets out a loud sigh. “Dude, stop your brain from working overtime. It’s not gonna help you, or this fucked up situation.”
“Cody, enough with the silence. I know you’re processing everything, but I need you to sound off, man. I need to hear your thoughts, so I can balance you out. Talk to me,” Brian says, as he sits next to me.
I continue to stare at the floor, feeling everything and knowing nothing. There’s a lot of things spinning in my head like a whirlpool, but I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret. Right now, pain and hurt are pounding on my heart like a sledgehammer. Everyone remains quiet until the doorbell rings, ruining the silence.
Jake stands up to open the door, and in comes Gunny with Aunt Patti in tow. She immediately goes upstairs; I’m sure instructed by Gunny. This is it for me…this is it for us. Bull-shiting my way with these men isn’t going to fly.
“Alright, son, tell me what’s up.” Gunny requests of me, as he sits across from me.
For the first time since I left our room, I look up. While my mind instructs my mouth to move, to let the words roll off my tongue, my heart pulls everything back. Anger wins, and for the very first time in my life, the word ‘quitting’ dances in my mind and wiggles its way out of my mouth.
“When you called me this morning to tell me to check Roxy’s phone, LT did just that, only to find nothing. But, her demeanor and reaction screams something went down. I asked her; she denied it. I asked her again tonight, thinking she’d tell me the truth, but again, she denied everything. I know something’s up. Somehow, the cartel got to her, and she thinks she’s the martyr that will save everyone in this house.”
Gunny looks at every single one of us. All of us looking straight at him.
“Do you concur, boys?” He asks, stress evident in his face.
“Unfortunately, yes, Gunny. I saw nothing on her phone,” LT answers.
“Based on our conversation, it seems she’s made up her mind already. It’s as if she’s asking me for permission without exactly telling me. She probably deleted the message even before you called me. She’s lying, and I’m not going to sit here and watch it all implode. I’m out,” I say, with as much conviction as I can, though my heart says something else.
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘you’re out’?” LT’s low menacing voice asks me.
“Give me Summer, and you can have her,” I
answer him as calmly as I can.
Gunny’s serious tone translates to no one better challenge me, “Everything stays the same. If we change anything, she’ll know we’re on to her. I know…”
I interrupt Gunny, which I rarely do…rarely anyone does, “I’m sorry, Sir.
Permission to speak?”
He gives me a one nod answer, and I plow through, leaving no stone unturned. At this point, what have I got to lose.
“She already knows we’re on to her! What we need to do is to stop her! I can’t get it out of her, no matter what I do. Tell me what you want me to do, and it’s done. If you want me to take her out of the city, state, or country, I’m on it. Name it; I’ll do it.”
Gunny’s piercing eyes are like a drill, boring holes in mine. His tenacity is overwhelming, yet inspiring. His dedication is true to the bone. His unyielding strength makes people surrender to it. His determination is hard to break or bend. When he has made a decision, there’s no way it can change, not for me….not for Roxy. Not for anyone.
“Once I received word my brother wants to contact her, I knew something like this might happen. No one, I repeat, no one will disengage from the plan. We stick to it with minor adjustments. Cody, buckle your emotions tight, son. It’s going to be a rough ride for you. I’m asking you to suck it up.”
“Should we take this in the garage, Dad? She might hear us,” Jake says.
“I’ve got that covered. I have your mom up there talking to the girls. I’m sure they’re all in Trish’s room. Now, we need to make her believe nothing is wrong, and Cody just over reacted.” Swinging his gaze at me he continues. “Cody, after I leave, go and talk to her. Apologize for losing your shit. I don’t care how you’re gonna do it, just do it. Whoever got to her, I’m sure will give her a set of instructions. If not tomorrow, it’s gonna happen within the next couple of days.” Gunny takes a deep breath and continues on, “Let’s slice it, boys, forms of communication. One, her cell, I want eyes on her at all times. Two, the land line, watch that baby like a newborn sucking her mama’s tit. Three, mail. More than likely, that’s the next form of communication on their part. Who gets the mail?”
