by Gigi Aceves
LT turns to me, concern masking his face. “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”
“I’m saying exactly that. I can’t be with someone who can’t trust me enough, to the point she’s willing to sacrifice herself and jeopardize us. I can’t. You very well know you’d feel the same way.”
LT remains standing, his eyes locked onto mine. Maybe, I need to make things a little clearer. So, I ask him questions I know will make him understand.
“A couple of questions, LT, and I’ll shut the fuck up.”
He nods, understanding clear in his eyes.
“One, do you trust me?”
His answer is quick, “Yes.”
“Two, You trust me with your life?”
Another quick and solid answer, “Yes. No question.”
“Three, You trust me to make the right decisions?”
“Yes. Without a doubt.”
“Four, Will you tell me your thoughts and plan with me to correct a situation?”
“Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely.”
“Five, Will you sacrifice yourself for me and allow me to do the same thing?”
“Yes.”
Resignation runs through my body like a shot of anesthesia paralyzing me, because LT just confirmed what Roxy isn’t willing to do. No matter the reason, no matter how sacrificial it is. If she doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me, there is nothing left…there will be nothing left.
Trust and Control are two things that are important to me. I need to know I can surrender both, and right now…at this very moment, I don’t think I can, not with what she’s doing to me. What I’m not willing to do is give it when she purposely wants to break it. Then, control is left hanging.
“There you have it. Your sister has already violated number three, and as for the rest, there’s no reason asking her any of it, because the answer will be ‘no’.” Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I tell him, “Go be with her, LT. I can’t right now.”
“Are you telling me you want to switch packages, now? Summer’s yours and she’s mine?”
Shaking my head, I say, “No, I just need a few minutes alone. I can’t turn off my feelings for her, LT. It’s as if I’m in a damn race against myself. I want to trust her, honestly, I do. But, how can I? She’s not making it easy for me. I’ll be here for as long as I need to be. If she has a change of heart and will be forthcoming with what the hell is going on, this…” I flail my hands, “this will all be forgotten, but if she won’t, I don’t know if that’s something I can forgive.”
“Is it you can’t trust her, or you can’t give up control?”
“Man, you know those two work side by side. You can’t give one without giving up the other. You tell me, with what she’s keeping from us, can I trust her to give her control?”
Before LT could answer, Brian and Jake walk out of the kitchen and onto the deck. Being that we’ve known each other for so long, they can sense, based on my body language, that something’s up.
“Hit me with what you know,” Jake says.
“The cartel has gotten their hands on Roxy. I didn’t see anything on her phone, but based on what Cody witnessed in the car, plus the intel that Gunny has, I think it’s safe to say they were successful in establishing contact. She’s definitely hiding something. She’s going against everything we planned. We’re already fucked before we even begin,” LT explains with a hint of resignation in his voice.
Brian speaks and tries to bring me back to a state of clarity. “This is different than your parents, Cody. You can’t live by that horrible incident and use it as a guide to judge any situation. In Roxy’s defense, she’s acting with the intention of saving us. Just as you’re getting pissed off because you want to save her. If indeed the cartel got to her, we’re still here to control the situation.”
“How is it different, B? People are trying to kill someone I love, AGAIN!” Shaking my head while pacing, I continue on, “But actually, you’re right, the situations are different somewhat. You want to know what’s different?”
Jake shrugs his shoulders. “I’m sure, you’ll let us know.”
“The difference is, I can do something about it! But, she won’t let me! Plus, my parents wouldn’t let me sit there and not do anything. They’d ask for help, because they trusted me enough to know I could help; that I’m capable of helping. They wouldn’t dare put themselves in danger. Roxy on the other hand, doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what the fuck is going on! That’s the difference.”
I walk toward the gate, maybe I’ll go for a walk, but Jake’s words stop my feet from moving.
“One thing, Cody, and then, you can walk into the fucking sunset. Since when do you ever give up on someone? I know, trust is important to you. It is for all of us. I’m not saying you haven’t earned it. Trust may not have anything to do with it. Maybe, she doesn’t want you to get hurt. She doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. I’m sure, Roxy is in there blaming herself for putting all of us in this situation. Knowing her, the guilt is killing her, right now. So, maybe, instead of pounding on her, be there next to her.”
It frustrates me that no one gets it.
I turn around to face them. “Answer me this. If Trish did something to put herself in danger, wouldn’t it piss you off not knowing? Oh, wait a second, as a matter of fact, she did. Need I remind you, how upset you were after the excitement of having kids wore off? No one wants to kill Trish, Jake! The mere fact that a lot could go wrong while carrying multiples is enough to make you lose your shit. Now, double that fucking emotion, that’s what Roxy is doing to me. She is purposely putting her life under fire, because she has this stupid mentality of blaming herself and thinking the only solution is to go behind our backs. How fucked up is that?”
I walk off into the fucking invisible sunset. Knowing I can’t go far, I lean on the gate, listen while my friends bicker, and put their two cents worth on whether they’ll take my side or Roxy’s.
“This is all kinds of fucked up,” Jake says. I can sense the frustration in his voice.
Welcome to the club, Supersperm man. You and me both. One for me, zero for my love.
LT’s voice echoes seconds later. “I get why he’s frustrated. God knows, I am. I know Cody sees this as a betrayal, but it’s not. Who the fuck am I lying to, of course it is. She should come to us!”
Join the club, buddy. You and me both. Two for me, zero for my love.
Brian’s calm voice offers a temporary reprieve. “Wait, don’t join the let’s hang Roxy out to dry chorus, LT. I get it she should come to us, but in no way, shape, or form it’s an act of betrayal. Do I need to remind you, you kept shit from her?
You’re not welcome in my club, Vagina Boy! Two for me, one for my love.
Brian’s angry voice booms loud and clear. “That girl in there is fighting a huge fight against herself. You, LT, out of every one of us standing here knows how that is. I’ve known Roxy for so long, I know how she thinks as everyone here does. She’s crazy as shit, but her heart, man…her heart is so big it can have all of us in there, and then some. She’s not going to risk anyone of us getting hurt because of her father. She loves us that much. Now, add how much she’s afraid of losing Cody, the only man I’ve seen her with that brings a glow to her face, who might get hurt because of her. Imagine the burden she carries, man. Imagine that for a second.”
Brian doesn’t stop there. He’s our very own Ms. Betsy with balls.
“Do you seriously think she wants to fucking die? What she clearly wants is for this to all go away without anyone getting hurt, but that’s impossible. She’s left with no other choice but to give in to them, because by doing that, we’re all safe. Everyone she….”
I can’t hear anymore after that, because it fucking hurts too much to think I’m about to lose the only person that brought meaning back into my life. I push open the gate and yell my way back, pointing an accusatory finger at Brian. How dare he analyze this whole fucked up situation and not know one
very crucial detail….
“Yes! Everyone she loves will be safe, but if she dies…I die, too! Don’t you get it, B? I can’t live without her. I wouldn’t want to, not even for a fucking second. So, her fucking plan of saving the fucking day is fucking insane! It’s seriously fucking with my heart!”
Jake says, “Didn’t I say this is all kinds of fucked up? Fucking shit!”
LT seconds it with, “We’re fucked more than I thought.”
Brian finishes it off with, “Well, what the fuck? We can’t give the fuck up!”
At that exact moment, Trish decides to come out. She’s waddling like a penguin, holding a damn banana.
“Why is everyone saying ‘fuck’? What is the fucking problem?”
We all have our eyes trained at the very pregnant, waddling Trish. Not wanting to clue her in on what’s going on, I decide to lighten the mood.
“The fucking problem is, your waddling messes up with our style of gangster dancing,” I say as I wink at her.
She gasps and raises her brow at me. “I can still drop it like it’s hot!”
Jake answers quickly, shaking his head as he puts his hands on his head, “No, babe! No, dropping it like it’s hot!”
Just, then Tami, Summer, and Roxy walk out and stand next to Trish.
I rub my hands together. “Alright, let’s see you ladies shake your asses!”
I know, I need to cover up what she just walked into, so I decide to sing Whoomp, There It Is to distract her.
“I’m kickin’ the flow…I’m kickin’ the flow, and it goes a little somethin’ like this. Crazy girls back again, drivin’ us crazy so let’s begin. Party on party people let me hear some noise. Cody’s in the house, let’s jump, jump, rejoice. There’s a prego lady here, a crazy lady there, wave your hands in the air. Shake it everywhere. These three words mean you’re gettin’ busy. Whoomp, there it is. Hit me.”
“Whoomp, there it is. Whoomp, there it is,” The guys echo back as they all point to the girls.
I cup my hands over my mouth. “Come on, ya’ll….a little louder.”
“Whoomp, there it is.” The girls sings back, and Trish uses the damn banana as her mic.
“Prego waddling, prego waddling, prego…boom!” All the guys are singing pointing at Trish.
We’re singing while the girls are dancing with their hands up in the air. Well, at least the three girls are dancing, Trish looks like a penguin who needs to pee. My eyes swing to Roxy, and my heart skips a beat, seeing her laughing and having fun; just like that, my mood changes somewhat. I need to play it smart, and not allow my emotions to overpower me. That thought calms me down a bit. Now, I need to focus on getting her to understand the importance of telling me everything, and that veering off course is not an option….at least not for me.
As the crazy singing and pee-style dancing continues, I look at our group of deliriously crazy individuals. As we dance for a while, were trying to forget the fucked up situation that’s facing us.
Seeing Cody smiling and acting like his goofy self is priceless. After what happened in the bedroom, he needs this…we need this. Being able to just forget about it for a while is such a nice reprieve. This is how it should be anyway, my friends and me hanging out without the added drama. It’s still hard to wrap my mind around the fact I’m really going to be doing something in secret that might eventually break Cody’s heart and hurt the people I love, but it will save him…save them.
They’re on to you, girlfriend! So, you’re not fooling anybody. They’ll have you on lockdown before the night is over, and you, my dear, will be a sitting duck.
It’s not as if I don’t know this. Of course, Cody knows, so everyone knows. During a time such as this, I wish he didn’t know me so well. If I were being honest with myself, I wanted him to catch me in a lie, because no matter what, I’m deathly afraid of what I’m about to do. For all I know, I’m being double crossed. I’ve never done anything as bold as this in my life.
What I do know is, this would only be the second time, in my whole existence, the need to act is imperative. Compared to the first time, though, the intensity is much stronger…the urgency much greater. I feel it pulsing from the depths of my soul, flowing in waves straight to the center of my heart. The first time was when I called Uncle Jack that night to pick me up, but that was to save me…now, this time, it’s to save him…to save them.
Tami breaks my thoughts. “Alright, party people, let’s get dinner ready.”
I help Tami in the kitchen to give Cody space since I know him well enough to know when I can push things, and when I can’t; right now, isn’t the time. After a very calm and quiet dinner, Jake tells us we’re playing BINGO. Why we agree, I have no clue, but apparently, Trish likes to play; and whatever Trish wants, Trish gets according to Jake.
“I’m calling the numbers!” Cody yells, as he grabs the bingo wheel filled with round white balls with numbers.
“Okay, people, one dollar per card. Put your money right here, please,” Trish says, as she shakes the bowl.
“A dollar a card? This is highway robbery!” Summer complains.
“Huh? You’re a nurse, girlfriend. You make mucho dinero!” I tell her, shaking my head.
LT sighs loudly. “Why do we have to play, again? This isn’t productive.”
“Easy there, big brother, if you want kids, you need to learn how to relax, or your balls will be scrambled; and there goes the chance to procreate,” I say, as I kiss him on the cheek.
He shakes his head and smirks at me. “One round, that’s it.”
“Jake, you got your card?” Cody asks, as Jake gives him a thumbs up, then looks at Brian. “How about you, bro? You got your card?”
“Yeah,” Brian answers, not a hint of excitement in his voice.
“What? You guys only have one card?” Tami asks.
“Ugh! Can we start this already? We only want one card, okay? Please, don’t say men can’t multi task that has got nothing to do with it. One card is enough to give me a damn headache!” Jake replies.
“Babe, you don’t like to play?” Trish asks, while rubbing her belly.
Jake instantly smiles at her. “Of course, I do, babe. Can you give me my kisses, please?”
“Oh gosh! Not again!” I protest, giving Jake the stink eye.
“Trish, please just kiss my brother before he mauls you in front of us,” Tami pleads as she fans herself with her cards.
Trish eventually gives in. She always does. Why she’s playing hard to get is crazy because she’s knocked up, baking, and set on a six month timer or however long the quads are going to stay in. Cody starts turning the bingo wheel, picks the first ball, and smiles at me. Wearing a stupid grin on his face, it’s clear he’s going to do or say something funny with a hint of sexual innuendo.
“First letter is O, party people. The number is, Tami and Brian’s favorite position. O sixty-nine!” Cody says, with a naughty grin.
Tami claps. “Yes!”
Summer gasps. “Geez, Tami. For real?”
Tami looks at her smiling. “That’s how we roll, right, honey?” She faces Brian and smiles beautifully at him.
Brian leans toward her and gives her two slow sweet kisses on her lips, as he holds her face with both hands. Such a sweet gesture, it makes my heart hurt just a little, knowing I might only have a few days to enjoy Cody holding me like that…kissing me like that. The rattling of the balls inside the wheel snaps me out of my Cody trance.
“Are we doing an X, or you guys want to do a blackout?” Trish asks.
“A what, Trish? I’d rather do a sixty-nine if you ask me,” Cody answers, winking at me.
I wink back, satisfied that his mood improved and my heart quivers, knowing he wants me. The heat caused by his stare permeates my body in a slow, sensual, and straight to my core arousal. It leaves my lips thirsty for his wet, hot kisses...every inch of my skin is itching for his touch, and my entire being craves the connection I want so badly.
Tami
and Trish start shaking their heads, and I know what’s coming. If they say something I don’t want them to, it’s a free for all, and no secrets are safe. Pregnant or not, I’m taking her out!
“Sorry, Cody, but you should know by now, Roxy doesn’t like giving BJs,” Trish says, as she pouts and pats Cody’s shoulder.
Tami seconds, “You know, her TMJ might act up.”
Cody’s face scrunches up in a scowl aimed at my two best friends, who at the moment, I want to bitch slap. Meanwhile, the guys look back and forth between Cody and me wondering if this bit of information is true or false.
Well, it’s true and false….so it’s tralse! The TMJ part is true, but I still attempt to give him one every couple of months, or when my jaw cooperates with me.
“Dude, FYI that sucks!” LT says, while laughing so hard he’s about to fall off his chair.
“Ugh! Guys, that’s TMI!” Summer complains, covering her ears.
“Roxy, you gotta try it because YOLO,” Brian starts taunting me.
Jake says, “I’m just SMH and LOL!”
I point at every single one of them. “You guys are SOBs!”
Cody rolls his eyes in resignation and sits down. “FML! I’m not liking this game anymore! Can we play strip poker, instead?”
Trish stands up and objects. “Hell to the no! Unless you guys want to see Shamu up close and personal, that game is a no go!” She sits down, wearing a sad face.
Jake is quick to comfort Trish. “Hey, babe, look at me. You’re the most beautiful preggo woman I’ve ever laid eyes on,” he says as he puts Trish’s hand over his heart and continues, “Nothing’s changed, babe.”
Everyone’s looking at Trish and Jake, while they stare at each other as if they’re communicating with their eyes alone. I find myself staring at Cody….really staring. Oblivious of what’s going on around me, I’m trying to remember his face, how he smiles, and the softness in his eyes, how his nose scrunches just a bit before he lets go and laughs uncontrollably. I’m committing it to memory, so when that time comes, when I’m taking my last breath, his face will be vividly displayed in my brain.
