by Gigi Aceves
I don’t notice the doctor leaving, because Jake’s love filled voice fills the quiet. Mark Harri’s, Find Your Wings has been the lullaby he’s sung to their babies since finding out Trish is pregnant.
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
That as I watch you grow
Seeing them like this humbles my heart, but it makes it hurt, too. Tami’s eyes and mine are flowing with tears nonstop at this point. Giving Jake and Trish a moment to themselves is a good thing….it’s always good for Jake.
“I love it when you sing to us.”
“And I love doing it. How are you?”
Instead of answering, she looks at me, puckering her lips, so I’ll kiss her. Of course, I do. I kiss her as though she’s the air I breathe. It’s killing me not to be intimate with my wife. After all, it’s been a while, a long while, since jake junior has seen action. I crave her like an addict, but if kissing is the only option I have, I’ll take it.
The moment she opens up for me, her lips work mine into a frenzy. She links her fingers behind my neck and controls the kiss, as I suck on her lower lip, tugging on it a little with my teeth; she moans which awakens my dick. Shit! I need to put the brakes on this lip locking fest. Releasing her lips, I travel down her neck, knowing it’ll drive her crazy, just like what she’s doing to me.
Leaving butterfly kisses on her neck, I tell her, “Babe, sorry we have to stop. It’s not fair to my dick. You’re driving me fucking crazy, Trish.”
Her never ending concern for me shines through her eyes. It never fails, she always thinks of me, even now. “Jake, stop worrying. I’m fine.”
I close my eyes, willing myself to calm down. “Do you still feel pain?”
“I’m fine, but I want to say something. I know, I shouldn’t think about it, but I want us to be prepared when the situation comes.” She intertwines her fingers with mine and lays them on her bulging belly.
I know what she’s talking about, and I refuse to go there. The last time we were here, the doctor asked us, if for some reason her health were compromised, or the lives of any of our children, would we be willing to do a reduction. The term alone makes me want to punch a hole through the wall, because that route isn’t an option. Reducing means cutting my heart in half, and my love for my wife can’t ever be reduced. No one will ever take away anyone from us.
Shaking my head, I say, “No! How can we pick? How can you ask me to do that? I can’t. I want them all, babe. I.Want.Them.All.” The giant size bolder stuck in my throat is making it hard to speak.
“I want them, too. But, if I’m not all there to decide with you, I want you to pick them over me….all of them for me. Promise me, Jake.” Pressing on my hand she says, “Please, look at me.” She asks so softly, it seems she’s talking to herself, and not to me.
It seems, shaking my head is gonna be a constant movement for me. “I can’t promise that, babe. Don’t make me. You’re gonna be fine, end of story.” I pull my hands away from hers, and that alone hurts me…it slashes my heart wide open.
I walk toward the window, wiping my face with my shirt. I’m back to talking to God again, begging, and pleading this time; not for my life, but for my wife and unborn children. I thought, I had prepared myself for this. I was briefed on what to expect; however, when it’s happening right in front of me, nothing but worry coats my entire being. The anxiety that creeps in my heart and mind disarms me. I feel as though I’m drowning in my own fears.
“Jake, you promised me, you’d protect us, and here’s when I need you to do it. It’s not about us…it’s about them.”
I look at my beautiful wife with daggers in my eyes, “I told you, don’t make me choose! I can’t, and I won’t!” Taking a deep breath and calming myself I say, “If we could ask every single one of them who they’d choose, between you and me, they’d choose you, because a part of me…my blood flows through them, and it has your name on it, Trish. So, my kids will fight to live for you, because they can’t lose you, just as I can’t. If you ask me to choose, you’re asking me to give up on life, because I’ll die being apart from you.”
“So, in a way, you’re saying you’ll pick me, then,” she says with resignation and sadness in her voice.
Shaking my head again, I say, “No, what I’m saying is, if you want me to pick them over you, we’ll all fucking die. We can’t survive without you. That’s what I’m saying. We all live for each other, period. From today until all four are safely in our arms, I don’t want you listening to anything negative anyone tells you, because what do they know? HE knows, Trish. I know…I know, they’ll be okay, believe me, please. I need you to believe that. No one’s going to choose. HE will do the choosing, okay? Can we agree to that?”
She opens her arms to me, and I fall into them willingly…hungrily. “Okay, Jake, I’m not going to ask you to choose.”
I squirm away from her arms, but hold her face firmly with my hands. “And, you aren’t going to make the decision. Don’t think about death when life is growing inside you…when I’m breathing for you….because of you. Life will constantly throw us a curve ball. Yes, there may be times I can’t catch it, and you will; or you can’t, and I will. If life’s being a bitch, and neither of us can, HE will…HE will always catch it for us.”
“Have I told you lately that I love you?”
“Hmm, I can’t remember, but you can refresh my memory. I won’t mind.” I run my finger over her lips, down her neck, and I let my hand rest over her heart that belongs to me, plus four more. “No more negative thoughts, okay? Let’s dwell on the good things, and the lives we’ve created. Let’s erase the what-ifs, and replace them with the we-cans of life. We’ll do this together, because we have four precious angels we want to see at the end of this race. Let’s focus on how to get there, okay?”
My little good munchkins, each one of them, sounds off by either kicking or moving about, because there’s a circus act happening in Trish’s stomach. I start talking to them, giving them a pep talk, the same way my dad would give my sister and me to get us moving.
“Munchkins, I want you guys to help each other out. Be each other’s source of strength.” I lay my forehead against Trish’s tummy, wanting to feel my kids move again. Then I whisper, “Please…please, continue fighting for us...I need you boys to stay strong. Protect your sisters. Focus on mommy’s heartbeat, and my hands on her tummy. Never give up, because mommy won’t…I won’t. We’ll always protect all four of you, so don’t be afraid. We may not be able to hold you guys tight in our arms, but you’ve been in our hearts from the time you guys were conceived and will remain there until the end of time, so please hold on, hold on tight to mommy…I do.”
Trish runs her fingers through my hair, calming my nerves. I look up and there’s my smile, and my heart soars into the heavens as it always does. My love for this woman is beyond the scope of time, and her hold on me…is unbreakable. The bond we have with our kids is a bond created with love, formed by our faith, and sealed with HIS love.
Trish’s stomach getting hard interrupts my mussing, and puts me on alert. I don’t know if it’s a contraction or what. Instinctively, my hands go on her belly, cradling it…needing to protect them.
“Are you okay?”
She nods as she bites her lower lip and blows out the breath she’s holding. “My sciatica is killing me, but I’m good…I’m okay.”
I close my eyes, so she doesn’t see the fear in them. The dread that’s slowly covering my entire being is squeezing the life out of me. My angel nudges me, trying to get my attention. My mind is elsewhere…it’s in that state between fear and panic where nothing exists, but the problem that lies within. T
he problem that’s the situation with my wife and kids. How can I control this?
“Jake, you can’t control this, babe. You need to let this go. I need you to let this go for us. Eyes on me, please.”
My wife uses the same line I say to her to get her attention. She doesn’t have to say it. She always has mine; therefore, I focus my eyes on her just as she asks. Trish speaks in love, but my worry for her and the babies doesn’t diminish.
“We’re going to go through this cervical stitch to protect what’s yours and mine, okay? If for some reason….”
I interrupt her right there. “Okay, we’re doing the surgery, but there’s no ifs between you and me, babe. So, don’t even start on that.” I’m looking at her so intently, I’m willing her to see it my way.
Taking a deep breath, she says, “Okay, no negative thoughts. How about you just kiss me.”
“How do you want it, babe? Slow, sweet kisses, or I-am-on-fire-I-want-to-devour-you kind of kisses. I can give you both, just tell me which kind of Jake you want to show up.” I wink at my wife, waiting for her response while I will jake junior to calm his shit down.
“I want ‘the’ Jake….my Jake.”
I smile at her, “Ah, you want the I-am-so-in-love-with-my-wife, Jake. I can do that. Nice and slow, just like a prayer…I want to take you there.”
She giggles and says, “Oh-uh, my husband is in a Madonna phase. You don’t like Britney Spears anymore?”
I mumble while I attack my wife’s neck, “I’m always in a Trish phase, always. I’ll never forget anything about you, babe. Nothing.”
“Fast five, Jake?”
“Alright, let’s do this.”
“Big?”
I wink at her, letting her know I’m just playing with her, “You.”
She gasps and scowls at me, “Dead?”
“Me, for saying who’s big, but in my defense, big means something different to me, Trish.”
She rolls her eyes and says, “Whatever, Jake. Next, Dried?”
I look at her feigning shock, “Oh, I can’t believe you just went there, Trish. That’s a low blow….the lowest of the low!” Looking down at jake junior I say, “That’s okay, bud, when the right time comes, we’ll show kitty no mercy. We’ll plow through her, ravage her as we’ve never done before, and we’ll show her who’s boss. We have to DIY it this time and settle with the five sisters.” Wiggling my fingers.
My wife is laughing so hard, she’s wiping tears from her eyes. I enjoy seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, it centers me, and makes me realize the life I dreamt long ago is the life I’m living now. The horror I’ve lived through those many months ago is worth every pain…every tear…every waiting moment. Before me is the woman I love…the woman I adore, and inside her are four little heart beats…
Four little ones…
Four little mine…
Four little hers….
Four little ours….
“You’re not mad that I called you ‘big’, right?”
Trish shrugs her shoulders and I know an explanation is needed.
“Wife, my love, I’m sorry for saying you’re big. But, you’re my big…mine. You’re this way, because you have my children inside you, and that to me is a beautiful thing. It’s a big, beautiful thing. So, my definition of big is different from yours. You’ve changed my life in a big way…you’ve changed me in an even bigger way…you’ve given me the biggest gift of all, and that’s you and my angels. So, that’s my big, Trish; it has nothing to do with your size, but how you made my heart bigger than it should be, because of your love…because of our love. So, even if you say jake junior is ‘dried up’, I’m willing to let it go if you’re willing to forgive me.”
She smiles. “Yes, you’re, my husband. I want my kisses, please.”
As I lean toward my wife, wanting to give her my kisses, Roxy barges in and fucking ruins my moment…..
After telling everyone what’s going on and while we’re all waiting to hear back from the doctor, I decide to eavesdrop on Jake. He’s currently groveling and asking for forgiveness for calling Trish ‘big’. My idiot cousin just had to go there. Stupid male brain. Trish spots me by the door and knows I’m listening while Jake is groveling. I wave my hand for everyone to go inside the room. It’s time to give Jake a hard time, Roxy style.
“I think, you’re in big trouble, Jake. You never use ‘big’ to describe a pregnant lady. I shall defend your size…err, your honor, Momma Igloo,” I say as I wink at Trish.
Jake gives my best friend the evil eye, but his eyes say he’s just playing. He gives Trish a sweet kiss on her lips, followed by four kisses on her belly. Trish’s mom stands on her left side, and Patti pulls Jake to get off his wife.
“Mom, I’m still kissing her,” Jake complains.
“Son, you need to learn how to share your wife and my grandkids. Sit over there.” Patti points to the recliner by the window.
“Five minutes, mom. Five. Don’t hug her too tight, because her back hurts. Be careful not to hit her IV lines. Babe, are you cold? Do you need socks? No one move her feet, she needs to keep them elevated. Mom, be gentle when you hold her tummy. Don’t squeeze it, too much! Did you wash your hands?”
“God, help me. Jack, please take your son out. Now!” Aunt Patti says, looking sternly at Jake.
Jake puts his hands up in surrender. “Fine, fine. Just five minutes,” Jake says as he sits on the chair, looking at Trish.
“Son, give your mom more than five,” my uncle says.
Jake sighs, “Dad, if I give her five minutes, she’ll fuss over her for ten.” Jake turns to look at Trish and says, “Babe, how are my angels? If they’re squirming too much, my angels want me.” Patti turns and glares at Jake. Then he says, “Only.Me.Mom! They want me. You want to know what we’re having? Switch places with me, and I’ll tell you.” Then, Jake looks at me. “You didn’t say anything, Rox, right?”
Shaking my head, I answer, “Didn’t say a word. I didn’t even tell Cody. We can fuss over her since you do it, too. Maybe a little, too much.”
Aunt Patti asks, “I’m not switching places with you, son. I have a feeling they’re all boys. What do you think, Laura?”
Trish’s mom smiles at her daughter. “I think, it’s two boys and two girls. Am I right, Tricia?”
A knock on the door stops the guessing game, and Dr. O’Connor walks in. She smiles at everyone, and Jake immediately goes to Trish’s side. Thank God Almighty, Aunt Patti moved; I wouldn’t put it past Jake to move her.
“How are you doing, Trish? Any pains?”
“I’m okay,” Trish answers.
Jake seconds, “No, she’s not. She was complaining of her back hurting.”
“Unfortunately, that’s normal; carrying multiples will do that to your back, plus your weak cervix compounds it. Anyway, I’ve scheduled the surgery for tomorrow. I need you to rest today, okay? I’m sure, it’s not gonna be a problem since your Warden here is…um…on top of things,” Dr. O’Connor says, winking at Trish.
As soon as the doctor leaves, Jake goes on complete control mode, which is a sight to see. Trish, including all the women in the room, stay out of his way; the guys seem to be the only ones listening to him. While Jake and the guys are planning for the next world war, my phone vibrates. My heart stops, and my body locks. Being that the boys are pre-occupied, I slip inside the bathroom to read the message.
Unknown: Go to the cafeteria and ditch your guards. Someone will approach you. Do it, now. Remember, we have eyes on you.
Quickly, I delete the message, flush the toilet, and turn on the faucet to appear as though I’m just doing my business. I take a couple of deep breaths. I think, I’m ready, but soon as my hand goes over the door knob, my palpitations start again. Fear…worry…pain. Oh, excruciating pain squeezes my heart without an end in sight. Closing my eyes and hearing the girls fuss over Trish puts everything back into perspective. Steeling my heart, I tell myself, this is the right thing to do. A couple of deep
breaths in, I shakily, open the door expecting to be questioned. Fortunately for me, no one even notices. While thinking of how to make my exit, Laura opens her mouth, and now, I have one.
“How about I get food for everybody?” Laura asks.
I answer right away, “Sure, I’ll go with you. Tami, just text me what everyone wants, okay?”
Hoping the boys didn’t hear anything, I try to make a quick exit. I’m just about to open the door when Uncle Jack’s voice stops me.
“Where are you going, Roxy?”
Laura answers for me, “Oh, Jack, we’re going to get food from the cafeteria. Boys, do you want anything?”
Without taking his eyes off me, my uncle says, “Cody, go with them, so you can help them carry all the stuff, alright?”
Oh no! This can’t be happening. How in the world can I shake him? We walk hand in hand toward the elevator while I think of when I can make my escape. My nerves are going crazy. As the elevator makes its calm descent, my heart rate picks up its pace as we get closer to our destination. I plan to make my move once we’re in the cafeteria, it’s just easier to lose him there with a lot of people in the way. Stepping off the elevator, as though sensing something is about to happen, Cody pulls me to the side, holds my cheeks with both his hands, gazes at me longingly, and kisses my forehead as my eyes close, savoring our last moments. His lips lingering there for a while as he gives my chest two thumps, and I answer back with two thumps against his.
Turning away from him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My mind is quick to remind me what can happen if I let my weakness take over. I quickly scan the area in search of Laura. She’s already standing at the deli section, which is a great pick because there’s a long line, and it’s a couple of steps away from an exit door. I hurry toward Laura, while Cody walks behind me, when suddenly he calls for me to stop.
“Roxy, wait!”
I turn around to see him trying to move a woman to the side. She probably cut right in front of him, and then, another guy does the same thing, and another. I can tell he’s getting frustrated, because he’s shoving people out of the way. Now, there’s a few people between us; I’m getting pushed forward, he gets pushed further back. This is my only chance. Knowing I may not be able to see my love again, I look at him one last time. The look in his eyes just about glued me to where I am. Then, an image of him dead pulls me back to reality and propels me to move forward, to make my escape which takes me farther and farther away from my heart.
