by Gigi Aceves
Each step my feet make, my heart aches, to the point I can hardly breathe. Is this how one feels when death is near….when it comes knocking and tells you, your time on this Earth is up? While my heart slowly, but surely, becomes just a numb piece of my body, my ears hear his voice loud and clear. He keeps calling my name, and with every desperate cry coming from his mouth, my tears crash down my face.
I don’t even feel someone pulling me forward until my arm start hurting. I look at the hand that’s firmly and painfully squeezing my arm. For the life of me, I wonder why I have no fear of being taken. Then, I understood why, because the fear of being taken is nothing compared to the fear of losing every single person I hold dear in my heart, especially Cody. I’ve felt that fear. I’ve lived with it for a couple of days, and I’ll continue to live with it until life leaves my body.
The pain….the pain is here….
It’s constant…
It’s potent….
The agony too deep….
It’s unforgivable....
It’s unsurmountable….
I’m frozen….detach….ALONE.
I push as hard as I can to fight the ocean of people that separates us, but either God isn’t with me, or Satan’s minions just overpowered the good today. I’d like to think the latter, because the former isn’t possible. It just isn’t. With what I’m dealing with right now, HE is going to be my source…I’ll need him more than I’ve ever needed him.
I hurry toward her while I push people out of my way. Suddenly, I see a guy grab Roxy, pulling her toward the door. Another guy wearing a black jacket flashes his piece at me which makes me stop in my tracks. I pull my phone out to call LT while I watch the fuckers push Roxy out the door.
I yell into the phone, “They’ve got her!”
“How long ago?” LT asks, then, I hear him yell at Brian, “B, get Gunny.”
“Just now! I’m getting the car. Meet me in front.”
I knew this was supposed to happen, we expected it, but nothing could’ve prepared me for this. Losing her is painful enough, but losing her this way… willingly….knowingly….is the worst kind of pain. It’s an ache I can’t compare to anything I’ve ever experienced, and the poison of blame is seeping into my heart toward her. As much as I want to fester on that thought, the need to act and get her back, hopefully in one piece, is the energy that’s fueling the intense pumping of my blood, right now. It’s the force that makes me run like a freaking stallion in the wide open space.
I run…
I pray…
I plan…
WHILE MY HEART FUCKING ACHES.
As I run to get to the SUV my pain turns into numbness….
My anxiety turns into frustration….
My love for her turns into anger….
Although I hate feeling this way, I can’t help myself. This shouldn’t have happened, not under my nose…
Not with her planning it….
Not with me being unable to stop it.
All three come out of the sliding glass doors and jump in the vehicle. The consensus is to head home and plan everything there. While driving, my mind wanders to possibilities that my heart doesn’t agree on, and since my mind and heart aren’t in sync, the question nagging at me is the ‘why’ of all of this.
Why does she have to do this?
Why now?
Why not tell me?
Why is she trying to be the martyr?
Why doesn’t she trust me?
Why! Why! Why!
Although I don’t get a solid answer, I still ask myself the same questions over and over again. It’s a torturous cycle, but does it stop….not a chance. Her stubborn self has left me in this state, and honestly, I don’t know how I’ll handle it if something bad happens to her. The sane part of my mind is slowly unraveling, and leaving the insane part to hijack and pilot my over active imagination. My heart, finally, arrives at my own personal choke point, where hope is nonexistent, and willingly, my brain goes berserk. No one, not even she can stop its suicidal thoughts.
The Cody that’s only meant for my love isn’t here…he died.
He died because she left…
She left because…because….
My fucking heart doesn’t know!
My mind can’t comprehend the why’s, and although she left me drowning in my own tears of pain and fucking fear, I’ll step up….I’ll save her. As always, my life for hers. Once I’ve achieved that…that’s it.
I’m done….
We’re done….DONE.
As soon as I park the car, everyone jumps out without uttering a single word. This is the calm before the shit hits the fan. It almost resembles the eerie feeling before jumping out of the chopper that drops you behind enemy lines. We mechanically go inside the house, collect our gear, and convene in the kitchen to plan our attack. I check, re-check, and check again, just to have something to do other than re-visit the negative thoughts plaguing my brain.
“LT, do we have a strong signal?” Gunny asks.
“Yes, earlier on the drive here, but now the signal is weak,” LT answers while he does his thing on the computer. “She was a good twenty to thirty minutes away from the hospital when I started tracking her. Let’s call our contact in the FBI. I’m sure they can triangulate her location better.”
Gunny nods. “Alright, I need to request backup anyway. I want to hit them hard; they’ll be kissing Satan’s fucking ass in ten seconds flat.”
While LT and Gunny gets the logistics set, I’m waiting, itching to go. I’m not as relaxed as I want to be. I need to remain focused otherwise; my emotions will get the best of me. My phone vibrates, and my heart stops. Before pulling it out of my pocket and answering, I take a deep breath and say a quick prayer.
“Yes,” I calmly answer.
“Cody, dad briefed me on what’s going down. Stay focused, clear your head, and put all your rage on them. Don’t stop until you get her, understand?”
“I know, Jake. I’ll do everything in my power to get her home. You know the drill, and you know where to find it. I need you to give it to her, just in case.” I pause for a second, not wanting to tell my best friend the truth regarding how I’m feeling about Roxy, because right now, I can’t even figure it out myself. “Take care of her for me, make sure she knows…make sure she believes, and make sure she understands.”
“You’re gonna come out of this like the other times, man. Stop with the negatives. I’m not giving her anything, Cody. We always overcome, remember? Keep it together…for her.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “I don’t know what ‘keeping it together for her’ means anymore, man. I’ve kept it together, and look where it got me. Fucking dooms day, Jake.” Blowing out a breath I say, “Whatever, I’ll deal. Take care of everyone. Make sure the fantastic four know me. You know the drill, Jake. Good…”
“Enough! No one’s saying that word. You know what you need to do. I’ll see you when I see you,” Jake sighs out loud and hangs up.
Goodbyes are always hard. I don’t know who it’s hardest on, the one saying goodbye, or the one receiving it….the one going or the one staying. It’s sad to say I’ve been on both ends of it, courtesy of Roxy, and to be honest, I don’t appreciate it one fucking bit. I detest she put me here.
“Got it, boys,” Gunny says as he opens up a map and spreads it across the kitchen table. “She’s right here. There’s a total of fifteen men in that warehouse. Two guarding her door, and one inside, while I was talking to my contact. If we go the two prong approach, we’ll be good. They’re giving me two assault teams. Let’s go.”
I’d go to battle with Gunny anytime. The man is prepared for everything. For the two months we’ve stayed in Frisco, he and LT have scouted places where they could possibly take Roxy, or anyone of us for that matter. As always, both are on the money.
“They’re being mobilized as we speak. I gave them the location, and we’ll meet them here at the rally point,” Gunny says. “Listen up, here�
��s how we’re going to do this. Team one will cover the perimeter, team two will take the back, and we’ll take the side. We need to go in quick, in and out. Cody, I want you to stay with team one. I want you to make sure the roof is clear.”
Shaking my head I say, “Negative, Gunny. I want to be there with LT. I need to be on point on this one.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Cody,” LT speaks, staring me down.
“Why not? I need to be there, Damien. I have to.”
“I need you to shut that part of your brain down, man. I can’t have you lose it when you see her.”
Clenching my jaw, I answer slowly, “I’m clamped fucking tight, LT. I.need.to.be.there. I won’t negotiate on this.”
Hands on his hips while he takes a deep breath, Gunny says, “Okay, you can be on LT’s team, but I need LT on point. Your focus is to get her out, nothing else. Are you guys ready to roll?”
We head out to the vehicle, and as I’m about to get in, Brian pulls me back.
“We’ll get her, Cody. Everything will work out. Are you good?”
I nod, not wanting to say anything, because there’s….
Nothing to say….
Nothing to feel….
Nothing, but the need to get this over and done with.
I’m thrown inside of an SUV, hitting another guy who grabs and yanks on my hair, shoving something on my mouth. Then, a set of hands pulls my hands and ties them behind me, while someone yells for the driver to move. Quickly, I look at my surroundings, memorizing their faces, but Satan’s spawn blindfolds me before I could look at them closely.
A gruff sounding man says, “Get her phone and throw it. I don’t want those fuckers to track her.”
Spawn one starts manhandling me. First, he pushes me forward and stick his hand in my back pockets, groping my ass while his other hand starts feeling up my breasts. Tears are now slowly pouring out of my eyes, and I can feel the drops on my legs as I silently say a prayer. My mind is a jumbled mess. I don’t know whether to pray for a rescue or for them to kill me fast. Spawn one, finally, finds my phone in my front pocket, but not before, running his nose on my neck and licking from my jaw up to my ear. The bile of vomit that’s traveling up my throat is threatening to spill out, and if he doesn’t stop touching me, I may not be able to stop myself. Satisfied with his groping activity, Spawn one hands over my phone.
I hear the window being lowered, and all hope of calling for help is gone, along with my phone. I try to calm myself, but every time I do, my mind goes back to how the asshole next to be was touching me. A little part of me dies where Cody’s love once lived. My entire body is shaking, maybe because of shock, fear, I don’t know at this point. After what seems like forever, we come to a complete stop, and I’m being dragged out of the SUV. I trip more than once, and more than once, I’m dragged, scraping my knees.
I’m being pulled one way, then another, and finally someone shoves me inside a room. Whoever pushes me, does it hard, and my shoulder slams against the wall. The pain hits me instantly and causes my eyes to water as I cry out in agony. My tormentor isn’t done with me yet, because he pulls me by my hair and slams me against the wall, again. My cheek hits the rough hard surface.
“Stop! Please! Stop!”
Hearing his voice again, after so many years, causes everything in me to come to a complete standstill. My mind stops working, only focusing on him….my heart stops feeling, no feeling at all, not even anger.
“How about you get acquainted with your daughter, again, John. I suggest you do it quickly, before I put a bullet in her pretty face, but maybe, not before I fuck her right in front of you. You were stupid to think you can out smart us. We knew once we involve your precious daughter, you’d flip on us. Working with the FBI, huh? Didn’t get you far did it, fucker,” the hoarse voice says, followed by a sinister laugh, making every hair on my body stand and fear for myself, finally, makes its appearance in my heart.
A couple of minutes of silence, then I hear the door close. I let out a sigh of relief, and pain overtakes my body as I slowly fall down, my legs giving way. With my hands tied behind my back, I lean against the wall as I scoot my way back. Back to where…I don’t know. I just want my back against a wall, so no one can creep behind me.
“Roxy, don’t move. I need you to listen to me,” my father says. His voice pleading and I feel….nothing.
“Stop! Don’t talk to me!” I want to scream it out, but instead, I whisper it, forcefully.
“I know, I lost that right, but you need me if you want to come out of this alive.”
“It’s because of you that I’m here. I hate you. Do you understand? I hate you!” I’m crying uncontrollably, now. I don’t know if it’s from physical pain, or because my heart just aches.
Years of pain this man has caused me comes surfacing like an earthquake with a magnitude so strong, survival is unthinkable. The abandonment hits me so hard; I can remember, vividly, in my mind’s eye every emotion I felt….every tear that fell from my eyes…every whimper I made, and every word I heard about how my own father didn’t want me. At this very moment, these memories make me want to cry, out in pain. Not just a silent cry, but a wail….a wail that includes all the hurt…the wounds I thought were now scabs open up, and the need to purge them out of my system racks my whole body. It destroys, whatever, hope I have in my heart of coming out of this alive. Being in his presence is as good as death.
The anguish is so severe, my mouth moves without my mind’s permission. Then, the purging starts….it starts slow….painfully slow…harrowingly intense; it’s unbearable.
“Why? Why couldn’t you love me? Why have me if you can’t love me?” I cry out.
Then, I feel his arms surround me, and I crumble to a million pieces…the child in me who survived those many years of abandonment, whose wounds were glued together by Cody’s love starts to crack little by little. Until a shell of my old self, the little girl who just wants to be loved by her father, comes out defenseless…once again.
I’m now open….
Exposed….
Vulnerable….
I need my shield, the shield of everything that’s Cody. He puts me back together…he makes my heart whole….brand new. He renews the old, beautifies the ugly, clears the darkness and heals all of me. However, he’s not here, and I am… because of one despicable human being that’s my father. I try to push away from him, not wanting his skin to touch mine. After all the pushing and shoving, there’s no more fight left in me, so I let him wrap his arms around me.
“Forgive me, please,” he whispers in my ear.
It does nothing for me. It doesn’t ease the pain….it doesn’t cure the wound, but it opens old ones. It’s like pouring salt in an open wound, the pain gnaws on my very soul.
“I promise you, I’ll make this right, even if I have to die trying,” his voice is so thick, I’m sure coated by his guilt.
He unties me, and takes off my blindfold. Seeing my father up close after all these years makes my eyes tear up so fast, reigning in my emotions is a constant struggle. My sobbing intensifies because everything painful…everything dark…everything bad about my past starts resurfacing.
Gripping my face, my dad says, “There’s not much time left to explain, but please know, I tried to stop this. Yes, I am to blame for why it’s happening, and for that, I’m truly sorry. I can’t tell you how sorry I am, because there are no words. Shame is all I have left, but even that, can’t stop me from trying to save you. We need to act quickly. Listen and follow me, okay? I’ll hoist you up, so you can jump over the window. You have to do this, Roxy. It’s the only way.”
I start shaking my head, for some unexplainable reason, I don’t want to leave him behind. Why on God’s green earth would I want to save him? Why? I want to hate him, to despise him. I don’t want to forgive him. As with the heart of a child, forgiveness is easily given, because at that age, love is at its purest. Presently, I am that little girl.
I.am.my.daddy’s.little.girl….
My dad gently wipes the tears trickling down my face. His eyes are moving rapidly from one part of my face to another. It’s in this moment, my heart knows I have to forgive him….I need to. Simply, because we don’t have much time…there’s no time left. The hour glass of our relationship is approaching its last grain of life, so fast, the only way to right the wrong is to forgive.
“I love you, baby girl. You may not believe me, and I accept that…I do. My own selfish hunger for power and money blinded me for a very long time, but even then, thoughts of you…of your brother….of your mother kept haunting me. The guilt I’ve carried, and the love I’ve lost will forever be in my heart. It’s a constant reminder of the monster I’ve become. No amount of forgiveness can change that. There’s no excuse for my actions, and neither will I give one. This is all on me. I’m not hoping for you to love me, but I’m hoping that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”
Stunned speechless, I just stare at my dad for the longest time. The ticking of the invisible clock is the only sound registering in my brain. Though I want so badly to tell him I’ve forgiven him….I can’t. My childlike heart wants to forgive, but my hurt-adult filled mind can’t. Once again, my heart and my brain are in a battle. As clear as day, I see in my dad’s eyes; the resignation of the forgiveness he seeks will never be his. Instead of getting pissed off, maybe call me names, shove be back, or push me down, he doesn’t do anything. Instead….
He smiles and says, “I understand, Roxy. I love you just the same. While my heart is hoping for forgiveness, it’s okay if you can’t give it.” Gazing at me lovingly, regret and sadness in his eyes, he asks, “How about let’s try to get you out of here?”
