Unmistakable

by Gigi Aceves

  The motherfucker who just hit me looks at Roxy. The kind of look that says she’s next if she doesn’t shut the fuck up, and I am seriously, considering pounding God’s hammer on him at this moment. The guy, who brought in the chair, runs back in and yells to get my executioner’s attention.

  “Jefe is here, Diego. Date prisa y él joder ya! No tenemos mucho tiempo!”

  Yes, fuckers, if you want to fuck me up real good, now would be perfect, because you guys don’t have a lot of time. I’m laughing inside, because they think I can’t understand a word he just said. He should have just said it in English.

  “Bring another chair in here, now!”

  As his sidekick runs, getting another chair, Diego drags, pushes me down on the chair, and starts on me again. Let the fucking games begin. I can’t wait to have my go with this asshole. I’ll break every bone in his body before I slice open his fucking eye, then I’ll ram my knife down his fucking throat.

  “What does she taste like? What makes her scream? Does she like sucking cock? Oh, I’ll let her suck on this,” he says, as he grabs his fucking dick. “I’ll let you watch, too.” He sneers at me and walks toward her.

  I want, so badly, to turn around to see what he’s about to do to her, but I can’t. I can’t even say her name, not because she doesn’t mean anything to me…far from it. For my own sanity, at least until the Calvary comes to save the fucking day, I need to be functional. To achieve that, I have to be detached from my own heart…from her…from us. This could very well break me, the last straw to completely push me to that dark place where coming back is impossible. She doesn’t scream this time…she just whimpers. I don’t know what’s worse, hearing her scream, knowing she can’t take anymore, or her whimpers, knowing she’s taking every pain in silence.

  Diego’s sidekick drags in another chair, and this, Diego, asshole pushes her on the chair, making sure to give her bad shoulder a hard grip, standing behind her. She winces in pain, and tears…her never ending tears leak and slide down her face. I, instantly, look past her…through her, but hard as I try, there’s no amount of disconnection, detachment, disengagement that can erase, block, or cut off the horrific…blood-curling scene happening right before my eyes.

  Diego runs his filthy hands on her arms as he glides his nose on her neck while he looks at me, wearing that fucking sneer I’ll erase from his fucking face in less than ten minutes. He stops on her breast, fondling…squeezing…denigrating what’s mine…touching the body I’ve worship with my hands...feeling the soft perfect ivory flesh my lips has tasted…inhaling her scent that intoxicates me in the most delicious of ways. My lips start to twitch, because of holding all the rage…all the fury, is eating me up like acid. It melts and corrupts everything in me, turning me into this monster I don’t want to be. How can I possibly not turn into one when my love sits rigidly straight, looking at me with eyes full of courage to fight as her tears of pain, of fear, of disgust flow at a steady pace, while my own just want to break free, so as to share her pain…my arms ache to hold her, but…I.CAN’T.

  “Have you fucked her in the ass? No?” He mocks me. “I’d love to break her for you. Are you up for that, huh?” Diego slides his hand from her shoulder and cups her jaw, tilting her head up as he plants his fucking lips over hers.

  The next thing I know, he jerks back and yells, “You bit me, bitch!” Then, he slaps her across the face and pulls her hair hard to the side, putting her neck at a very painful and awkward angle.

  My eyes swing back, to her, and seeing blood streaming down the side of her lips, just about makes me snap. She doesn’t sob or cry hysterically, she just continues to whimper. She’s suffering in silence, thinking it’ll help me see that she can hold her own. What she doesn’t know is that my heart is already in a state of mourning. It’s mourning everything beautiful and whole about her….about us. The misery my heart is in right now, is beyond what my mind can comprehend. It veils my heart with pure blackness. Absolute hatred flows through my veins, the current so strong, it’s enough to push me to lose sight of her…of us.

  Suddenly, I feel someone grabbing my Ka-bar from inside my boot and cutting the rope that binds my hands. With all the scuffling, no one pays attention to John. Thank God! A surge of hope sparks something inside me, prompting me to focus on my next move.

  “Hey, motherfucker. You want to take your shot at me? Or, are you too much of a pussy?” I start taunting Diego, needing him to redirect his attention.

  He turns to face me, wasting no time I head butt him, which catches him off guard. I punch his stomach three times, then knee his nose. He falls to the floor, and I turn around to grab my Ka-bar from John. When I turn around to face Diego, he’s ready and swings at me, hitting me square on my jaw. I swing my right hand and slash into his stomach, causing him to scream in pain and fall on the floor again, not wasting a second, I jump on him, putting my knife against his throat.

  “I’m going to kill you! You piece of shit!”

  With a quick glance to my right, I see John’s protective stance over Roxy. He’s got her hiding behind his back. A momentary sense of relief flows through me, knowing that during my scuffle with Diego, John had the sense to grab Roxy. Just when I’m ready to slit his throat, the door opens, and two men run toward me. They grab and drag me away from Diego. He stands up clutching his stomach, then hits my head with the butt of a 9mm. The two bastards are trying to hold me up as my head falls forward.

  “Diego, are you okay?” One of the men holding me asks him.

  “Yes! I’m good. Hold him up. When I’m done with you, you’ll be as good as dead.”

  Diego starts hitting my face, and in my eyes one too many times without mercy. He starts pounding on my stomach, and finishes me off with an upper cut on my jaw. Not content with his handy work, he knees my face as my head jerks back with force as blood drips all over my face. The two men holding me up release me and I fall to the floor face down. Someone kicks me three, maybe four times in my rib then pulls me up on my knees, holding both my arms behind me as my head falls forward, then I hear her crying….begging….

  “Please…stop…You have me! Let him go. Pl-please…” She says in between sobs.

  I see my love on her hands and knees, crawling toward me from the corner of my eye, the one that can still see. How she got away from John, I’ll never know. All I know is, the closer she gets, my anxiety increases for fear Diego will hit her again. Why can’t she just stay away? When she reaches me, she grabs onto my waist and cries into my neck.

  “Please, don’t hurt him anymore. St-op…I’m begging you. L—et him go….please,” She begs as she moves her hand over my chest and thumps twice…again…and again.

  “Enough, Diego. Jefe wants to talk to you! Let’s go!” One of the guys says.

  Diego and the rest of them leave and the one holding me back releases me, and I fall….

  I fall helplessly on her….

  In her arms…where I always want to be….

  Where love surrounds me….completely.

  “Love, I’m here. I’m sorry, so sorry,” I whisper in his ear.

  He falls on me, and I hold him as though my life depends on it. It’s true…my life…our love, depends on him surviving, because nothing…..absolutely nothing can destroy me, but his death.

  I try to wipe away the blood on his face, but he grabs my hand and stops me. He only looks at me for a fraction of a second and moves all his attention to my father. While I’m trying to deny the coldness I’m getting from him, my brain is quick to understand the reason why, but my heart….my heart refuses to accept what’s obvious. Once I do, I’m afraid, I won’t survive the hurt.

  “John, can you help me; sit me against that wall, please.”

  My dad does as he requests, while I sit there and stare as regret fills me up. At this very moment, I know…I know, I’ve lost him, completely. He’s too detached, and that’s not my Cody. As hard as I try to psych myself into thinking it’s only temporary, my heart know
s his too well. He’s fighting the pull, resisting it with all he’s got, and knowing that’s what he’s doing destroys the little hope that blossomed in my heart when I saw him earlier.

  “John can you get my knife, please?”

  My dad hands him his knife and says, “I tried to buy you guys some time, Cody, but once they knew I was stalling, it was too late to get the word out.”

  He nods at my dad, then he checks his watch; finally, looks my way; and hope starts to flutter like butterflies flapping their wings for the first time in my heart. Until I hear his voice, and that hope….that little butterfly, falls dead. That’s the state of my heart right now…it’s lifeless. It’s beating, sure, but its partner isn’t answering back, neither does it call my name anymore.

  “Roxy, stay with your dad over there, please.” He points to the opposite side of the room.

  I sit here stunned, and even though my head is telling me to move the hell out of his way, my heart wins the battle, because I move and attach myself to him. I hug him so tightly I can feel his heart beat against mine, but I don’t feel the same warmth I used to get, instead I feel this frigid…cold body against mine.

  “What are you doing?” His voice is almost robotic…emotionless.

  “I love you, please…say something,” again, I beg, not for my life this time, but for my love to love me back….to hold me.

  He blows a pained sigh, “I’m here to do my job, Roxy. You need to move, please. Don’t make me say it, again.”

  I nod, gradually accepting my present situation; however, I’m not ready to accept it as my fate, or my destiny. Cody and I…we’re meant to be together, and my heart can’t accept anything less. My heart belongs to him, and his belongs to me. I kiss his neck one last time, and one last time, I thump my hand over his heart, but I find myself stuck….I can’t move, because I don’t want to….moving means leaving…

  Leaving means heart break…

  Loneliness….

  Sadness….

  My dad pulls me away from him, and if not for his arms holding me, I would have fallen…lifeless….alone. Silently, I cry; I mourn what I’ve lost, knowing there’s a good chance I may not get him back. I’ve never felt so desperate and hopeless than I currently do. Crying on my father’s shoulder brings a little bit of comfort, just enough to convince myself that maybe there’s still hope….maybe.

  “He promised me, daddy. He promised he’d never leave. He promised…” I say this over and over as my tears, once again, rain down my face.

  “He won’t leave you, baby. Everything will be okay, Roxy. Don’t give up hope,” he says as he rubs my back in a circular motion.

  My dad helps me to sit on the hard concrete, making sure I’m sandwiched between him and the wall. I lay my head on his shoulder as I watch Cody. He doesn’t look my way; in fact, he looks everywhere, but at me. I notice he keeps tapping his chest in a weird way, then just as he’s about to get up, the door swings open. Diego’s wild eyes meets mine, and my nerves shoot up through the sky. They double when he approaches Cody, and without hesitation, elbows him on his cheek, leaving a cut so deep blood starts gushing out. I can’t close my eyes, but what stills me like a statue is hearing the words coming out of Diego’s mouth.

  “My brother is in jail, because your fucking father pressed that stupid alarm! I’m gonna finish you off!”

  Cody gets his bearings and lands two powerful jabs on his face. They continue to scuffle, slamming, punching, and kicking each other. My dad slowly stands up, finding the right moment to jump in and help Cody. When Diego lands a solid hit to Cody’s stomach, he falls two steps back. Diego quickly pulls a gun from behind and aims it at Cody. Everything seems to move in slow motion, the next thing I know, my dad jumps in front of Cody, shielding him.

  A blood curling scream escapes me, “Noooooo!”

  Without thinking, I run toward my dad as I watch him fall on the unforgiving concrete with a thud. I don’t know how, but I’m able to pull him away from them and onto my lap, while Cody and Diego continue to fight over the gun. I can hear grunts and fist hitting skin, but I remain focused on my father. For the first time in a very long time, my tears are tears of love for him. Blood is oozing out of his chest, at least I think it is. It’s hard to tell, because his shirt is wet with his own blood…blood is everywhere.

  “Daddy, please open your eyes,” I say between sobs.

  Not knowing what else to do, I lay my head against his forehead, wetting him with my tears as a broken, unfinished prayer keeps rolling out of my mouth. I don’t know what to ask God first, to save my father, or to protect the man I love. Who do you choose?

  “Please, God, I need one more chance to tell him something. Daddy, can you hear me? Wake up for me, please.”

  His gasps get my attention. “F-forgive me, b-baby girl. Ro-oxy, te-ll your bro-other I’m sso-o…soo-rry,” he takes another pained breath and says, “Ask your mo-om to fo-or-gi-ive me.”

  “Daddy, don’t talk. It’s okay. I forgive you. Just…just don’t give up on me, okay?”

  He shakes his head weakly and continues, “I…I lo-ove you a-an-d your br-o—ther. Tell him that, please. Lo-ove your mo-m f-f-or me.”

  Even though he forgot and abandoned my mother, my brother, and me all these years, I know without a doubt, he means every word that leaves his mouth. Allowing my mind to accept it as truth, I know I have to forgive him. I don’t know how anger toward him isn’t consuming me…consuming my heart; what lives inside me is regret and love for him. Regret for wasted years…wasted love and time, whatever he did, for whatever reason, right now doesn’t matter. My mindset is of that little girl who craves the love of her father, because what matters to me is what’s happening between my father and me now.

  “Did you ever want to pick me, daddy?” I ask as I run my thumb over his cheek.

  “My h-hea-rt p-p-icked you ba-by…ev-every ti-ime. Letting y-you g-go was the har-hardest thing to do.” Taking another pained breath in, he continues, “B-but it w-was the b-best f-for you…a life away from a monster like me.” His labored breathing is too painful to see as it drains every hope I have that he’ll survive this.

  How I wish we were back in time if only to heal our hearts. So, I close my eyes, remembering how it used to be between my daddy and me. A picture of him buying an ice cream cone for me flashes in my mind, one of the few happy memories we have of each other.

  “Do you remember, daddy, when you picked me up at school and bought me that ice cream cone? You told me you sneaked out without telling her. You were hugging me so tightly, then. I remember, you were telling me how much you love and miss me. I remember, daddy. I love you too, so much. I missed you every day…I missed our ice cream time every day. You can’t leave me, now. Please, fight for me.”

  Taking in one huge deep breath as he coughs out more blood, his bloody hand on my cheek, my dad smiles at me, a smile covered in pain, and the words that leave his mouth will stay in my heart and mind forever.

  “Do-on’t b-be like me…f-fight for th-those you l-l-ove. Ask C-Cody to f-f-forgive me.” Taking another deep breath, he continues, “Saving him is m-my re-demption. I h-hope it is. G-g-ive f-f-orgive-ness w-will-ingly, b-be-cause it f-frees p-people l-like m-me.”

  I can’t help myself, I start kissing his forehead over and over again, because deep down, I know our time is coming to an end. I want to be able to feel his hot flesh against my lips, instead of the unwelcoming coldness that wraps a dead person’s body. I’m savoring these few minutes of instant completeness between him and me, holding him so tightly, not wanting to let go for fear of letting his love for me go with him. I feel his pure love for me, if only, for just a brief moment, because one simple touch from him, one simple smile for me, and the adoration in his eyes solely directed at me are enough to tide me over until I face Cody, again.

  On borrowed time, I discover and feel how my father loves me, not because he used flowery words, but his eyes speak of love he’s had for me all these years. Th
e deep longing and regret filled loved flows endlessly in his eyes like a waterfall cascading over a cliff as it splashes at the bottom only to continue on downstream, waiting for my acceptance.

  Another sharp gasp, and he says, “Now, I’m r-re-eady…may God forgive me…”

  I, quickly, cry out, “No, daddy! Noooo! I love you! I love you! Please….please…please, God, not yet…not yet.”

  Another pain filled smile spreads across his face, and as I stare at him, committing everything to memory, I can actually see life slowly leaving his eyes, then all too soon, his hand falls lifelessly on me. My tears are dropping in rapid succession, controlling them is almost impossible. My body is shaking and uncontrollable sobbing wrecks my being. Oblivious to my surroundings, I rock back and forth as I hold onto my father…my daddy. Who in everyone’s eyes is a man who’s not worthy of my tears, and more so of my love, but he’s the only father I have. Through these short moments, God manages to correct the wrong, heal the hurt, and help me accept the mistakes of the past. My dad may not have erased the years of separation, but giving up his life for Cody’s after a lifetime of selfishness and greed, is an act of self-abnegation, in a way. He bridged the gap between his heart to mine, because of that one act…and only because of that one selfless act, I learned to love my father again.

  Hurt….

  Pain….

  Regret….

  Forgiveness….

  Freedom….

  Love….

  All of these emotions start swimming in me, almost drowning me in my quest to understand them all. Suddenly, my heart doesn’t feel as heavy as it did a while ago….the regret is not as strong….the pain not as severe, because I feel free. Free of the baggage of hatred in my heart, because the forgiveness turned into love. I love my father; I always did. I hate the choices he made and how he allowed the evil ways of life to consume him, but more than anything, I’m thankful of the time God gave us to mend the broken, to correct the wrong, and to forgive the hurt.

  Laying him down as slowly as I can, I hear a muffled voice calling me from a distance. I think, but I’m not sure about anything at this point until the cloud of sadness lifts, and clarity shakes my senses. I recognize the voice calling me. A very familiar voice beckons me to listen, and listen I do. I move toward him as my eyes meet my love’s blue ones, calming my distraught heart, instantly. My heart recognizes his immediately, and for a split second, I see love shining brightly in his eyes through the anger, only to disappear…