by Gigi Aceves
With a shaky voice I answer, “I-I’m an only child.” Pausing, I don’t know whether to tell her that I’m an orphan, too, that I lost my parents violently at the hands of my girlfriend’s father. “My…my parents were murdered. Both were shot on the head.” Not knowing what to say, I go with what I feel. “I miss them every day, more so now, especially when she….”
She holds my hand with both of hers. “You don’t have to talk about it, Cody. It must be hard talking about them.”
“Talking about them hurts more, knowing what I know now. Have you ever been misled? Fooled into thinking you’re important, but you’re not? You’re made to think you’re the air someone breathes, but in reality, you’re just being used?”
“Yes, to everything you’ve asked. But, make sure you’re upset at the right person. Maybe after sitting on your anger for awhile, you’ll ask yourself if hating someone is worth it, instead of giving forgiveness.”
She puts food in my mouth, allowing me to think about what she said, but I already know I can’t offer forgiveness, not until my heart is right. Righting it is the problem, because she destroyed it beyond repair, and her betrayal sealed our fate.
“She destroyed everything good in me, and that son-of-a-bitch took a lot from me, forgiving him isn’t an option.” Anger quickly sets in, and I know our meaningful conversations are over.
Hearing her sigh out loud is an acceptance of our conversation being cut short. We’ve done this a couple of times these past few weeks. I talk, she listens. I talk, she gives correction. I get angry, she stops. I feel as though I’m talking to my mom whenever I talk with her. She’s compassionate, understanding to a fault. Is it really bad to understand?
“That may be so, Cody, but can you live with that hatred in your heart? We can patch your injuries as though they never happened, but no one can help heal your heart but you. Why are you so mad at her? Is your hatred stronger than your love for her?”
Just then, I feel a soft very familiar hand on my cheek. Fingers tenderly grip my face sending sharp jolts of heat coursing through me, awakening my darkened heart to what it’s been missing. Just as quickly, I shut it down, not wanting to desperately need someone ever again.
“Anna, is someone else here? You know, I don’t want her in my room.”
She clears her throat, followed by a sigh. “It’s just me, Cody. I know, you don’t want her in here. I also know, you love her. Not to mention, you call out her name in your sleep.” Patting my leg she says, “It’s okay to be angry, even at those you love, but what isn’t okay is you harboring all that anger, and turning it into pure hatred over someone whose mistake was wanting to protect you. Don’t look so shocked that I know your story. While I feel for you, I know this isn’t you. Don’t let hatred change you. Don’t allow it to manipulate you, because once you do, it’ll only shatter you.”
Sarcastically, I let out a laugh. “Shatter me? I told you she ruined me, didn’t I? There’s nothing to shatter here.”
“Well, I’ll leave you be.” She thumps lightly on my chest twice.
I cover her hand with mine as my lips starts to tremble. “Why’d you do that? Don’t do that,” I say forcefully.
“Why?”
I answer quickly, “Because I don’t want to feel! I don’t want to remember!”
“Oh, Cody, if there’s nothing in your heart that’s left to be shattered, then you wouldn’t be afraid to feel. You’re afraid to remember, because it’ll bring back good memories of her. You’ll be reminded of why you wanted to protect her in the first place. Rest up, Cody.”
I let go of her hand, or more that, she lets go of mine. I’m man enough to accept everything she just said is nothing, but the truth. I’m just not ready to give it, not yet. I’m not fighting it…I’m just not doing anything about it, because doing something about it means opening up new wounds, owning up to my mistake, and accepting I hurt her…
A kiss on my cheek stops my pity party. “Tami?”
Her laughter lightens my heart. “How do you know?”
“Your smell.”
“My smell, huh, you’re lucky I took a shower before coming here.”
“How’s Trish? Is Jake making her cray cray?”
Another giggle escapes her. “Cray cray? For real, Cody?”
I let out a laugh of my own. “That’s something Ro…”
“Why’d you stop, Cody? It’s something who would say?”
“Nothing, T.”
“Why nothing?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, T.”
“Fine, but I have something to say. I don’t know how long you’re planning on doing this but all you’re doing is hurting her and yourself. If you only knew, Cody. Do you know, she hasn’t stopped praying for you? Do you know she sleeps only because Damien watches her take a sleeping pill every night? Do you also know, she even reaches for you in her sleep?”
“Stop! I don’t want to hear it!” I yell, hoping she’d stop.
“All she does is cry and pray. Praying you won’t lose your eyesight, praying you’ll forgive her, praying you’ll love her again. You’re her entire world, and you sit here doing nothing, but hurting her.”
I press the call button for my nurse. I’ll need her to kick out Tami, who’s as determined as her father to knock some sense into my head.
“Being a wimp, Cody? You don’t have to kick me out since I’m done here. I love you, and you know that. I miss the funny guy who made my cousin come alive. I miss the guy who’s ready to give his life for hers, not because it’s his duty, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because he loves her fiercely and completely. I miss that guy, but more than anything, I miss the girl my cousin used to be when she was loved by you.”
Tami kisses me on my forehead as I sit dumbfounded with my ass handed to me on a silver platter. This must be the all you can chew of Cody’s ass buffet special. The ache for her that I thought I’d successfully buried comes surfacing back with a vengeance. The burn only my love can ignite is smoldering back, breathing life back to my heart.
Then I begin to feel….
I begin to need….
I begin to want….
I begin to crave….
I just don’t know where to begin
I guess, I’ll start from our beginning…
I begin to love….
My love…again.
For weeks, I’ve fed him while my mom talked to him. For weeks, I’ve endured seeing him smile at something Brian, Jake, Tami, my mom, or anyone for that matter would say. For weeks, I’ve kept quiet, not saying the three words I’ve wanted to say so badly. Preferring to love him in silence, rather than nothing at all. Today’s not any different. I’m feeding him breakfast while he banters with my mom about life. He’s been more receptive and throws less hurtful words about me these past couple of days. Hope begins to sprout again, but I’m quick to cut it down for fear of being let down again. Insecurities of my past are in the forefront of my mind. How could they not be? It’s as though I’ve come full circle, I’m once again begging a man to love me.
My brother walks in the room with a determined look on his face as my heart finds a new home in my throat. I’ve been holding off this confrontation between him and Cody for weeks; I suppose, today is the day. My mom nods at me, letting me know everything will be okay, while my brother grabs a chair and parks himself directly across from me.
“Did someone just walk in, Anna?” A somewhat hopeful voice escapes his mouth.
“Don’t worry, it’s not my sister. It’s just me,” my brother’s calm voice surprises me.
With a slight twitch of his lip, Cody says, “I was wondering what took you so long.”
“Roxy’s been reigning me in, but I can’t watch her hurting anymore. Not by someone who thinks, believes, and sacrifices the way I do. How did you think this is gonna play out, Cody? Everyone walks away without a scratch?”
“You wouldn’t understand, LT. You’ve never loved anyone as I’ve
loved your sister, and her betrayal killed me.”
Hearing him say he loved me brings both tears of joy and pain. Joy, knowing I was once loved completely by him, as the pain of knowing it now stays in the past washes the happiness away.
“Her betrayal? Or, your inability to accept that she, too, wants to protect you. You’re full of shit! Have you seen her, lately? Oh fuck, I forgot, you kicked her out, and I’m sorry to remind your sorry ass that you can’t see shit. So, no, how can you possibly see how this is destroying her? Day after day, she’s changing into someone no one knows anymore, and you have the audacity to tell me you love her, or is it, you loved her.”
Cody’s jaw tightens. “You know how I feel about her. I don’t think I need to explain myself to you.”
“I deserve to know! Remember, you told me I’d need to step up once this shit were over, because you can’t do it anymore. So, I’m asking you, how can I help her now that you’ve fucked her up?”
I desperately want to say something, to own up to my mistake, but my mom’s hold on my shoulders silences me. Witnessing the two most important people in my life tearing each other down, saddens me.
“How can she forgive your father? Tell me, LT. Would you have forgiven him, after all he’s done?” Cody’s voice doesn’t mask the hatred he feels toward my dad.
I look to my brother, desperate to hear his answer. Wanting him to forgive our father, so he’ll be free from the stronghold of hatred.
“You have to understand, I grew up with the love of a mother that equals, if not exceeds, the love of both parents. My sister didn’t have that, and you know it. For the longest time, she longed for his love, begged for it even. All it took was him taking a bullet for you for my sister to forgive him. You know why? Because, as much as my sister wanted our father’s love, she wanted yours more…she needed it more. The bastard knew that, do you? Do you know how much she needs you? So, to answer your question; for Roxy, I’ll forgive him, without her I won’t. Can you?”
I know talking about my father will trigger a severe reaction from him. Gauging from the tightening of Cody’s jaw, the slight lift of his lips, and clenching of his fists, an impending outburst is inevitable.
“You’re asking me to forgive your father? The man who caused her the most heartache, who’s causing me pain even in his death? That doesn’t even deserve an answer, LT.”
“That’s not what I’m asking. I’m asking, if you’re willing to forgive him for my sister.”
My brother looks at me, begging through his eyes for me to leave for fear Cody’s answer might be the catalyst that’ll end me. I shake my head silently, saying I need to hear it, as painful as it may be.
Shaking his head he answers, his voice cracking, coated in sadness, “I’m trying, LT. If only, I didn’t see my parents face when I close my eyes, then maybe, it’d be easier for me to forgive him. Loving your sister was never the problem, the problem is….” With an even shakier voice, he says, “…Am I the right one to love her is the question. How can love possibly exist between us if there’s nothing, but anger in me?”
I cover my mouth to stop myself from crying out. We’re both swimming in a sea of misery; finding each other amidst the strong current of agony seems unmistakably hard.
“Why can’t you guys fight this together? What do you think you’re doing to her now, have you forgotten what she went through at the hands of that fucker who violated her? He has left a physical mark that’s messing with her head, but you’re doing the same. The only difference is, with you doing it, any chance of recovery on her part is a definite impossibility. How long, Cody? How long until you come to your senses and realize you need her…that you love my sister?” My brother wipes his own tears, and I realize just how much this is affecting him.
“Do you think that shit isn’t fucking with my head? I.Was.There! I sat there unable to protect her, because if I moved a second too soon, I may have made things worse. I sat there and waited for the right time, as we were trained to do, but look at what happened. It fucked her up, because I waited. If she’d told us what the hell was going on, she wouldn’t have been there! But, did she tell us? You’re asking me how long? I don’t freakin’ know.”
Realizing he can’t change Cody’s mind, Damien stands up, his shoulders fold over in resignation as my mother embraces me from behind, and silently offering comfort that only a mother can give.
“Take all the time you need, man. But know this, my father’s mistakes aren’t my sister’s. Same as, your parents’ death isn’t her sin to bear. Don’t make her suffer the punishment you want to give my dad, or the person who actually pulled the trigger. She.doesn’t.deserve.it. You don’t get to blame her for the deplorable things she suffered due to that fucker. You promised to love and protect her, so be a man and stand by her. Don’t go hiding behind the curtain of betrayal and hurt, because as you continue to hide, my sister faces her own hurts, including yours, every freakin’ day. She welcomes her pain as if it’s her punishment for the mistakes you think she made. What truly kills me is her dedication to you. Even with your rejection, she comes here every single day. She accepts it, because it’s what you want. Stolen moments, as she calls them, are all she has.”
I close my eyes after Damien’s revelation. I don’t want him to know I’ve been here all this time, because I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my stolen moments with him. I watch my brother leave without a backward glance our way. Tipping my head toward the door, I silently urge my mother to follow Damien, and hesitantly, she obeys.
Cody leans back, his shoulders start shaking as I sit on my hands to stop myself from reaching out and holding him. Pain filled sobs leave his mouth as my face is covered with tears that I quietly share with him. The instant his sobs turn into vocal confessions of what he truly feels, my chest constricts painfully for him….for us.
“God, I miss her so much. I don’t know what to do. Help me to love beyond the pain. I want to forget everything; make me forget it all. I just want to remember the love we shared. I love you, baby; please don’t give up on me.”
His confession warms my heart, but my mouth is dying to give my very own admission that yes, I’m still here. I’m not giving up; that while I’m trying to fight my own demons and overcome my own fears, I’ll be his heaven in the midst of his own storm.
(Chapter 21)
It started very faintly, and if my brain wasn’t fogged up because of the morphine, I would’ve noticed it sooner…a lot sooner. My drugged up brain may very well be playing a trick on me, but my heart will always know…it’ll always feel her, drugged up and all. So, I listen…I allow my heart to take over this time.
“Love, I miss you. I love being here, even if it’s painful to be near you and not touch or kiss you,” her voice starts to shake, and I know she’s crying. I hate myself a little more. “…but it’s even harder not being around you. I’m waiting here, love, patiently.”
I grab the hand that’s making the thumping action against my chest. I’ve missed it so much, feeling it again eases the worry of losing my eyesight, and the struggle to get a grip of my conflicting emotions. She stills, and a low gasp escapes her, and quickly, slips away from me. Hope blossoms in my heart after hearing her confession, but how I wish she had vocally said she still loves me.
Immediately, I put my hand on my nose, hoping her scent somehow got stuck on my skin. That’s how Brian finds me, basically, smelling my own hand profusely. I’ve missed her scent for far too long, not her fault, but my own.
“Okay, you have to ease on the morphine, bro. You think you’re a dog or something?”
His deep laughter echoes in my room, making me smile, my first real smile since my life imploded. “Roxy just left, didn’t she?”
The laughter in his voice disappears and is replaced with irritation. A cold blanket of fear slowly covers every inch of me.
“And, you care now because?”
“Because, I’m slowly realizing my misconception of things.”
“I’m trying, B,” frustration thickly coats my every word.
“Trying? How about just doing it. What happened to you, Cody? You’re hurting the very person you promised to protect. We never walk out on anything, let alone leave someone out to dry, and that’s exactly what you did…still doing to her.”
Pity for myself gnaws on my soul relentlessly. “Why are you here, then?”
Sighing out loud his words gut me, “I’m here because we stick together. When one falls, the other is there to help. More importantly, I’m here to remind you, when our women hurt, we save them. Sadly, when your woman fell hard, instead of catching her, you stomped on her heart.”
“Don’t you think I know that? It’s the first thing I think of, and the last thing that leaves my mind. I…I just need to get it straight in my fucked up brain, alright? God knows, the many nights I’ve been by myself, I’ve struggled to make sense of it all.”
“And, have you figured shit out?”
“She makes it real for me, B. When anger and hurt took over, and my faith left me, I was lost. As hard as I tried to run back to her, I couldn’t. I find myself drowning in my own arrogance and self-doubt. I’m powerless to both, but breathing was so hard without her. She’s the only one that can save me, I realize it now.”
“I hope it’s not too late for you, Cody.”
If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s her love for me…it’s my own doubts that clouded the reality of it. So, I know it’s not too late for us…I.am.sure of it.
“Late doesn’t exist between us, Brian. I know…I know, she still loves me.” This realization puts a smile on my face.
He snickers out loud, “Are you sure about that?”
“The Big J just revealed it to me, Brian.”
“The Big J?”
“Yup, I asked myself WWJD, and the Big J answered loud and clear.”
Brian’s laughing loudly now, “What did he say again?
