by Gigi Aceves
I start moving my head from side to side as I sing Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder while Brian is howling like a crazy ass, but I can’t help it. Pure joy I haven’t experienced in a very long time is bursting out of me. Thank God, once again, he guided me and showed me the way. His.Way.
“Like a fool I went and stayed too long. Now I’m wondering if your love’s still strong. Ooh, baby, here I am, Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m yours. Hmmm… Then that time I went and said goodbye, now I’m back and not ashamed to cry. Ooh baby, here I am baby, Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m yours.”
Clapping Brian says, “Stop, dude. I can’t take it, anymore. You’re crazy!”
“Hand me your Oakley’s, man. I gotta rock this shit out,” I continue to jam like good ole Stevie, until my favorite nurse decides to show up.
“Wh…wha…what’s going on here?”
“Come on, Anna, jam with me…..”
I hear a familiar laughter over my singing, “He’s back!” It’s my man, Jake. “Alright, Anna, we need to move this fool in the psych ward.”
“How long has he been like this, Brian?” Anna loudly asks to overpower my karaoke time.
“Just a couple of minutes, right after he said ‘the Big J enlightened him’.”
To get their attention, I start clapping. “Anna, doc’s taking my bandages off in two days, right?”
“Yes, and if everything’s good, then your knee surgery will be scheduled soon after. Why? Are you nervous?”
“I’m a little nervous, but when he changed my bandage the other day, he said it’s looking good. I just have to believe I’ll be okay,” I hate that my voice is cracking because I feel so out of control.
“You’ll be fine, man. Can’t go anywhere, but up, now that your head’s not all screwed up,” Jake says as he taps my good leg.
“Um….can we keep my moment of clarity among us?”
“You’re scared or something, man? Do you want me to call Roxy? She’s hanging out with Tami and Trish.” I can hear the grin in Jake’s voice.
“Nah, I just need to perfect my Stevie Wonder rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered first, before I make my grand declaration.” My lips tipping upward since I’m trying to control my own laughter.
“Will you both quit pussy footing around me? Tell me everything…and I mean, everything, including how far Trish is dilated. I’m all for openness, here.”
Jake hits me on my bad leg. “Hey! Watch it!”
He growls at me, “Quit talking about my wife’s kitty, alright? Or, I’ll tell the nurses to overdose your ass.”
“Down, boy. I see Mr. Flinstone isn’t retired, yet. You should practice being Mr. Mom since you’re having four.” I pause for dramatic effect, tapping my lip. “Oh, wait. Are you frustrated, Jake? Sorry big guy, your dick’s been MIA.”
“That includes you, stupid ass,” He answers.
He’s not totally wrong about that.
“Throw me in the mix,” Brian’s frustrated voice silences Jake and my bantering.
“Whoa, stop right there, boy toy. You’re too young to need Viagra. Although, erectile dysfunction can strike at any time. Just have your dick checked, B.”
“Ugh! I don’t know which Cody I want, the comatose one or the crazy ass. You were actually okay just lying there.”
“What’s going on, Brian?” I can hear concern in Jake’s voice.
Brian blows out a long frustrated sigh. “The past couple of weeks, Tami’s been asking me how I feel about having kids. You both know I won’t even touch that with a ten foot pole.”
“She’s just having baby fever. Don’t sweat it, man.”
“Jake, I don’t know how to tell her. How do I say, ‘I don’t want to have kids’? That’s a recipe for a fight.”
“You gotta be open and honest. If not, misunderstandings happen, and by the time you realize it, everything’s turn to shit.”
“Speaking from experience, Cody?”
“You bet. I don’t know how to grovel since I can’t kneel down. You wanna be my proxy, Brian?”
“Ah, no! Anyway, I think this is one piece of info you’d want to know about. Once we’ve identified the dead bodies, we found out that the head honcho got a single bullet in the head courtesy of LT. Although, one drawback is Tessa being MIA. How she slipped by the Feds is anyone’s guess. But, don’t worry about that, man, that bitch’s connection is cold. If she resurfaces it wouldn’t be too soon. Alright, that’s all we have. We’re bouncing, man. I need to check in with the office.”
Jake says, “And, my wife needs me, as always.”
Smiling, I wave to them. I feel much lighter than a couple of weeks ago. I know, I need to reign in unwanted emotions on a daily basis, especially when I remember what happened to Roxy, and now, finding out Tessa is unaccounted for. I just have to have more faith in Him and in us, because without it, the pain and anger will drown me. Once I made a promise to her and to myself, ‘my life for hers’, and now, I know it’s supposed to be ‘our love for us’ because…
I cannot exist with….
I cannot survive with….
I cannot love with….
Only half a heart.
As soon as Cody grabs my hand, I panic. I know, I shouldn’t have done it, but I just have to. Being so near him, and not being able to touch him whenever I want…whenever I can…kills me. I run out of the room as fast as I can to seek solace in the safety of Trish’s room. Taking a couple deep breathes, I abruptly open Trish’s door, making Tami jump, and Jake glare at me.
Sheepishly, I apologize, “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you guys.”
“Roxy, Trish can’t be rattled, okay? How many times am I going to say this?” Jake looks at Trish, his once glaring eyes turn soft. I swear, he’s bipolar. “Are you okay, babe?” Gazing back at me, his glare is in full force, once again, confirming my original findings. “I swear, Roxy, if Jaelin and Jillian start getting fussy, I’ll wring your neck.” Smiling Trish’s way, he continues as I’m witnessing a crazy person in action. “Are my angels good, babe?” Trish rolls her eyes as Jake places his protective hands over Trish’s belly, then talks to the quads. “Trevor and Tyler, please, calm your sisters.”
Shaking my head as my eyes go as wide as saucers, my mouth finally opens. “Jake, you’re certifiable!” Narrowing my eyes at Trish since I have a bone to pick with her. “You have five seconds to explain to me why my fantastic four already have names! When did this happen?” Ticking my fingers as if I’m doing a countdown while I wait for Trish’s explanation.
“Okay! Jake and I decided last night. I don’t want to wait until they’re born.” Then, she smiles at me the smile that even I can’t resist.
“Let’s just get this straight, they’re not yours…they’re mine! Mine. I’m their dad,” Jake tells me as he points at me.
I don’t know how Trish can put up with his craziness. “I’ll remind you of that when you have to change dirty diapers. Or, when you need an extra hand to feed them. Or, when you have to pee. I suggest, you invest in depends.”
“What are you doing here, Roxy? You never leave Cody until it’s time to go home,” Tami asks, as she turns to squint her eyes at me.
“Um, he…um…he caught me touching him, and I freaked out. I…I’m afraid I can’t go back anymore.” Looking at Jake with pleading eyes, I make my request. “Jake, can you please…”
Raising his pointer finger, he interrupts me, “I’ll go, Rox.” Hugging me before he leaves, he says, “Don’t worry, the tides are gonna turn soon, okay? You can’t give up, now.” Leaning back, lifting my chin so I’ll meet his eyes. “He loves you. So, get your strength from that; don’t run away like I did…run together, and for now, it may seem as if you’re running alone; but before you know it, you’ll meet each other in the middle, running the race together.”
As soon as he leaves, I fall hard on the chair next to Trish, burying my face in my hands. I’m just tired…tired of pretending I’m okay. I do it in fron
t of the boys, because I don’t ever want them to blame themselves for what happened to me. I don’t want them to think they could’ve done more.
Tami immediately puts her arms around me. “Stop crying. It’s all you ever do when the boys aren’t around. How long will you fake this, Roxy? How did your session go the other day?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Let me have this. If I cry it out, I’ll feel better.”
She asks me again, “How did your session go the other day?”
Another shrug. “It was okay. I’m healing as I go. I promise.”
“This will all be over soon. You’ll see, Roxy. You’ll see.”
“How are you and your mom?” Tami asks.
That question brings a smile to my face. “We’re okay. I think that’s what’s giving me the strength to keep going. If there’s one thing I can be thankful for with all the bad things going on, it would be finally meeting my mom. I just want Cody to enjoy this with me, you know?” Wiping my face, I offer Trish a small smile.
“Are you still having nightmares? Are you taking your meds?” Tami’s constant questioning is stressing me out.
Knowing I have to answer, I tell her, “If I take the sleeping pills, I don’t have nightmares, but I really don’t want to depend on meds, T.”
“You have to for now. Let your body heal, and the only way to do that is to sleep. If your mind is constantly going, your body will eventually give.”
“As long as the boys don’t notice it, I’m good.”
“They will, eventually. You can’t continue to do this to yourself. Quit blaming yourself for everything. I don’t care what Cody said! Nothing that happened was your fault. When are you going to stop punishing yourself, Roxy? You think you can shoulder all his pain, plus yours? Let him work on his issues, and you work on yours. Please.”
I bury myself in Tami’s arms. “Tell me there’s an end to all of this. I just want him to love me, again. I can’t lose him, Tami. I can’t.”
“I know, but you can’t lose yourself either. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of him, exactly as your mom said. You can’t get to the end without the beginning first.”
It’s precisely what my therapist told me. I have to begin healing me, before I can attempt to help heal him.
Each morning, I take stock of myself. I move and bend my trigger finger, it’s functioning, check. I wiggle my toes, they’re working, check. I move my head from side to side, it’s still attached, check. I take a deep breath, air going in, no problem, then I exhale smoothly, check. I palm my dick, it’s semi, wonderful. I wonder when I can have a major lift off, and I chuckle at the thought. I thump my chest twice, and the first person that pops into my head is my love. My lips spread in a smile, and it’s the most fantastic feeling to date. The only thing I wish I could check are my eyes. If I’m permanently blind, so be it, easy to say, I know. I don’t think I have a choice in the matter though.
I just can’t wait to put my plan into action. As always, I have two sets, there’s one for when I get my sight back, and another for if I totally lose it. Either way, I know for sure, my heart and brain are in complete agreement.
“Ready for breakfast?” I can hear a grin in Ms. Anna’s voice.
“Is she feeding it to me?” Now, my anxiety level sky rockets, because I want her to be here.
A short pause tells me she’s not. “Uh…I don’t know what you mean.”
“I know, she was here the other day, and the days before, okay?”
“Well, then, I’m sorry; she’s not here.”
I try to mask my disappointment, and I don’t allow my heart to dwell on it. I refuse to fall into that emotional trap, again. She’s not here, because she can’t be not because she doesn’t want to be.
“You have me.”
“Uh, Brian, I don’t swing that way, man. No means no, okay?”
“Shut up and open your mouth.”
“Just hand me the spoon, and I’ll feed myself. The only one I want to feed me isn’t here. Where is she anyway?”
“She’ll be here. Now, be a good boy and finish your oatmeal.”
I think, I’ve asked Brian ten thousand times for the time. I’m really getting anxious, and my blood pressure is slowly rising, waiting for my bandages to be taken off. As soon as my love steps into my room, I knew. Why I didn’t realize sooner I’ll never understand. I guess, it’s true that anger distorts everything. I hear voices then; the only one not here, obviously is Trish.
“Are you ready, Cody?” Recognizing my doctor’s voice, I nod.
I can feel him unwinding the outer bandage, and when it’s only the eye patch remaining, I say a quick prayer, asking God for strength and acceptance. He gradually peels off one patch at a time, starting with my left eye. Finally, when the other is off, he tells me to open my eyes when I’m ready.
Blowing out a breath, I painstakingly start opening them…focusing on something….anything, blinking once…twice…and then inch by inch I let them move upward…blinking once…then twice. Tears I’m trying to fight start sliding down. I glance to my left as I gradually move my head to the right. I wish I could say I’m shocked, but I’m not, because when I prepared myself for the worst, my heart was conditioned, bracing itself for what’s to come.
“Can you see anything, Cody?” My doctor asks.
I shake my head…blinking once…then twice….
“Blink a couple of more times, please,” he instructs me.
I just stare straight ahead…blinking once….then twice…
“How about now, can you see anything?”
I don’t answer…I wait…I’ve been in this position, blind as a bat for over two weeks now. I can stay like this forever. He can ask me the same question over and over again, and my answer will be the same every time…
Watching the doctor take his bandages off is pure torture. Once both eye patches are removed, I move behind my brother, knowing he doesn’t want to see me. I rest my forehead on Damien’s back as he reaches for my hands, interlocking mine together with his. Once again, my brother serves as my rock.
I hear every question asked, and the painful answer Cody gives. With each answer, my tears fall, saddened by him losing his eyesight. I don’t ask God why, all I do is pray, asking for strength and hoping for a miracle. When he’s asked again, if he can see anything, I don’t wait for his response, knowing it’s going to be the same. So, I step away from my brother, needing to go toward him, wanting to comfort him, and that’s when he says…
“Now, I can see, I can see my love, her beautiful face I fall in love with time and time again, her trembling lips I want to kiss, her tears I want to wipe away, and her body I ache to hold. I can see all of it…I can see all of her. Can you walk toward me now, love? Slowly, please, I want to savor you for a while.”
I’m glued to the floor, doing my own savoring of him as I thank God for every blessing and answered prayer, while I wipe my tears away.
“Don’t wipe them off, baby. I want to do it. I want to be that guy again for you. The one that will protect you tirelessly, love you endlessly, and hold you for eternity. What do you say?”
I just nod to everything he says. Words are hard to find, not because I don’t know what to say, it’s that the emotions I’m feeling are beyond words. Weeks of feeling in silence…loving in silence does this to a person, I guess. Everyone’s saying their goodbyes as we still stare at each other, waiting for the other to speak, enjoying the connection we’ve both missed.
With wobbly legs, I start walking toward him, not breaking eye contact as he moves to sit at the edge of the bed with one foot flat on the floor while his other leg stays immobile on the bed. I stop right in front of him, his hands grab my hips, and then he twists slightly so he can pull me between his leg and the bed.
“Hey, love. Can you kiss me, now?” A simple, meaningful request I’m all too willing to give.
So, we both do. We kiss each other, using our tongues and lips to express our love, to share ou
r pains and fears, but more than anything, to bring healing. Each nip…each bite is another promise made to protect our love…to persevere during moments of fear, and to hope we can overcome our hurts and doubts.
He breaks the kiss to pull me in for an embrace. He grips my waist as if I’m going to disappear any second, and I let him, because my hold on his neck is just as strong as his hold on me. Then, we both cry for each other…for his parents…for what happened to me…for his mistake and mine…for his fears and my doubts…for his doubts and my fears. We’re purging each other’s pain, healing each other’s hurts, and forgiving each other’s mistakes, not with words, but by every tear that falls from our eyes. With each other’s arms wrapped around the other, we don’t allow ourselves to fall, but to lift each other up.
It’s sweet…
It’s painful…
It’s liberating…
It’s exhausting…
It’s FORGIVING.
My mom walks in with a smile on her face, allowing us to enjoy our moment for a couple more minutes before she drops the gauntlet and tells us we need to separate.
“Cody, let her go and back to bed, please.”
My loving crazy boyfriend stays silent as his hands remain anchored on my waist. I try to suppress a giggle that’s threatening to bubble up when my mom moves in front of his bed, holding a syringe.
“Look at me, Cody. Do you see this?”
He releases me and looks at my mom, then to her hand while his eyes are getting as big as flying saucers. “What’s that, Ms. Anna?”
“Morphine. It’ll make you sleepy, and if you won’t do as I say, I’ll insert it on your drip.”
“You’re evil. Can’t you see I’m loving my woman?” Looking up at me he says, “Stop laughing, Roxy. I want to love you some more.”
Seriousness blanketing my mom’s face she says, “The woman you’re loving on is my daughter. Hands off, please.”
Cody swiftly looks at my mother with his mouth hanging open. “Are you serious?” Looking back at me he asks, “Is she pulling my chain, love?”
