Jam Sandwiches

by Greg Fowler

  Dearest Reagan,

  I’m sorry honey bun. Daddy has to go away for a while. I don’t know how long for. I’m not well and I haven’t been well for a long time now. Daddy’s should never hit their little girls. Daddy’s should never be angry all the time. I have to go away and think about things for a while.

  Please don’t hate me. I love you and that will never, ever change. Remember that. Remember that about me more than anything else.

  Love and kisses,

  Daddy.

  It was short and Eddy read it twice. Then he folded it again, making sure he kept it nice and square, right on the same spot the first fold had been. Why…he had no idea.

  ‘So what do you think?’ she asked him out of nowhere.

  ‘Does your mum know about this?’

  ‘Yeah. She got a letter too but she won’t show me hers.’

  Eddy prepared himself for her inevitable melt down but for now at least she seemed to have the flood gates locked tight.

  ‘How did it happen?’

  ‘What? Dad leaving?’

  ‘No…s…sorry…I meant, how did you find the letter?’

  ‘It was under my door when I got up this morning.’ There seemed to be no emotion whatsoever in Reagan’s voice and Eddy didn’t like that. It didn’t bode well.

  ‘How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do?’

  ‘No. I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.’

  Eddy scrunched over a bit and tried to put his arm around her shoulders. Immediately he knew it was the wrong thing to do and she proved his point by hunching her shoulders so he couldn’t achieve his objective.

  Then she looked apologetically across at him. ‘What do you think’s gonna happen Eddy?’

  ‘You mean, do I think he’s going to c…come back?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Eddy gave this very big question some thought. As reinforcement he placed his palm carefully on Mr Tree’s solid surface and ‘reached’. It didn’t take long and he got back pretty much what he had expected from the outset anyway.

  ‘You know this ‘thing’ I have? Like with Nathan and Mrs Elsdon?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Well, it’s sort of h…hard to explain, but I can’t control what it gives me and when it gives it t..to me. I can just look at some people and know stuff about them but other people are different. It’s like the difference between looking through normal glass and fogged up glass…except I can’t just use a hand to wipe away the fog.’

  ‘So what you’re saying then is you can’t tell me?’

  ‘You’re one of those people Reagan. I d..don’t like to ‘reach’ about you because…I don’t know, it just feels like I shouldn’t. But when I do, you’re one of the foggiest windows there is.’

  Reagan served him with a measured stare, not so much because of the weird nature of his explanation but to check out its authenticity. She needn’t have bothered though and that was expressed by the way she dropped her eyes and gazed instead down at the grass below.

  ‘I’m sorry Reagan.’

  ‘That’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just thought, maybe, you know.’

  I know what you mean and I wish I did have some answers, Reagan. You’re a closed book to me and if I could change that I would. But if I had to guess…I don’t think he’s coming back.

  51. REAGAN’S REACTION

  It didn’t take a genius to figure Reagan had been hoping for more from Eddy, certainly more than he was confidently able to give anyway. She didn’t necessarily blame him for that. How do you blame someone for not pulling the unknown out of the unknowable? But the thing is, she needed something or failing that, someone to blame. She could always lay it fair and squarely on her Dad. The trouble was, that was difficult to do when he wasn’t around for it to stick.

  In the end, with nowhere left to unleash her frustrations, it appeared to Eddy as though she’d just heaped it all on herself instead.

  Reagan was still Reagan, she couldn’t not be, but equally she changed that day her father left the house for the very last time. Her precocious independence stood tall but it seemed to find a new current in which to flow. Her bouts of laughter, which to Eddy’s ears were joy personified, were far and few between now. Maybe it had something to do with the weight of the world resting on her chest and maybe it also had something to do with seeing things through a different set of eyes. Eyes that had become attuned to the harsh realities of life and that searching for fairy tales was something that only little girl’s did. Women, on the other hand, got on with life and did whatever it took to survive.

  Eddy’s heart broke to see that. Time and time again he tried to ‘reach’ for some sort of anchor for her, but nothing came. He also tried to keep things light hearted, anything to bring her out of her funk. Invariably however, her reaction to his desperate jokes was barely a smile and even then it only stayed on her mouth.

  Their window to window discussions, although regular, seemed to have taken on a different flavour as well. It was a subtle thing and when Eddy gave it some consideration, he figured it was as though it had shifted from a conversation between best ever friends to playground buddies. Her life had moved on, for good or for bad, and Eddy was standing on the side of the road, watching her pull away. And that was a sad, sad thing to see.

  The girl that had beat up a bully for him, the girl that had shared Jam Sandwiches with him, the girl who had held him tight that night Grandma Daisy had ripped Mr Tree to pieces and the girl who still owned his only ever kiss was evolving into something that he just couldn’t keep up with.

  52. MRS STANTON’S CHALLENGE

  Eddy had known for a full week that Mrs Stanton was coming. That was the way of things with Grandma Daisy these days. There were days past when the first he’d know of it was when her car pulled up out front. Now though, she’d laid on a breakfast of pan-cakes and orange juice, for ‘energy’ she reckoned. Eddy wasn’t going to say no to that, so he’d dug in and given the text books a bit of a going over as well. Not that he was overly concerned at all. His studies had shot ahead and, if anything, Reagan tended to lean on him now. His caution was more down to old habits dying hard than anything else.

  When the front door eventually squealed that recognisable squeal, he put his books aside and counted the even more familiar creaks as they climbed the stairs together.

  ‘Hello Eddy.’ The greeting may have been directed at Eddy but her entire attention was focused on Mr Tree. ‘I swear this thing has grown again since I was last here.’

  ‘It probably has Mrs Stanton,’ replied Grandma Daisy, smiling. ‘Next thing you know, I won’t be able to get in the door. Or maybe that’s been Eddy’s plan all along.’

  ‘What…and miss getting more pancakes.’ Eddy smiled back.

  ‘Pancakes…wow. Aren’t you lucky?’

  ‘Yep. If y…you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.’

  Mrs Stanton chuckled at that. She seemed so much more relaxed these days.

  ‘Okay,’ she said, getting proceedings back in order, ‘I’m on a little bit of a different mission today.’

  ‘Oh…w…what’s that?’

  ‘Eddy, between you and your grandmother here, you’re about the best student I’ve got on my books.’ Eddy had time to glance over at Grandma Daisy, who winked right on back at him. ‘So,’ continued Mrs Stanton, ‘I thought you might be up to something new.’

  ‘Okay.’ It wasn’t exactly a convincing response.

  ‘There’s a whole world waiting for you out there, I think even you believe that now. You’ve got more brains in that head of yours than most of the kids out there who are going to school. The only thing different is that they’ll come out the other end with a piece of paper that says ‘pick me’. I was thinking, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have that too.’

  ‘You want Eddy to sit an exam?’ Grandma Daisy came around and placed a supporting hand on Eddy’s shoulder.

  Jeepers! I don’t know enough to
sit an exam.

  ‘Yes Mrs Sullivan, I’m not here to force Eddy into doing something he doesn’t want to do but I honestly think he’s up to it.’

  Believe in yourself Eddy. Stop remembering who you used to be and recognise who you are today and what you will be tomorrow.

  ‘What exam are you talking about?’ Grandma Daisy was getting a little defensive now but, at the same time, she was asking questions that had answers Eddy wanted to hear.

  ‘The NCEA Level 2 ones.’

  ‘So you’re saying more than one exam then?’

  ‘Yes I am. One for each subject that Eddy wants to take. But that’s not to say he can’t take just one if that’s what he feels like. What do you think Eddy?’

  I’m scared out of my mind, is what I think Mrs Stanton.

  ‘Isn’t NCEA one m…more year away for me?’ Eddy was certain that’s what Reagan had confronting her later this year and she was a year older than he was.

  ‘Technically, yes. And I’m not saying it’ll be a walk in the park but I’ve seen what you’re capable of Eddy. I’m not in the practice of throwing my kids in over their heads. I really believe you can do this.’

  ‘Are y…you sure Mrs Stanton?’

  ‘Yes. Without a doubt.’

  Grandma Daisy doesn’t like this. She thinks we’ve come too far.

  ‘Eddy?’ Grandma Daisy was looking down at him and Eddy realised that this was yet another manifestation of their changed relationship. She was going to let him make this call.

  I love you Grandma.

  She loves you too Eddy. She loves you like she was dying of thirst and you were her only oasis.

  ‘Yes Mrs Stanton,’ he said. ‘I think I can do it.’

  ‘Good.’ Mrs Stanton positively beamed at him. ‘Now let me explain how it works.’

  53. IT’S ALL IN A SMILE

  ‘Guess what Reagan?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Y..you know those exams you’re doing at the end of the year?’

  ‘Don’t remind me.’

  ‘Well, I’m doing them too.’

  ‘You’re kidding me right. How did that happen?’

  ‘Remember how I told you Mrs Stanton was coming around?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘It was her idea. She says that I’m ready for them.’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I don’t know. I think so.’

  ‘And you actually want to sit these exams?’

  ‘It seemed l…like a good idea at the time.’

  ‘You weirdo.’ Was that the tiniest flash of humour. Eddy certainly hoped so.

  ‘You’re the weirdo.’ Eddy pulled one of his funny faces and, yes indeed, that was definitely the beginnings of a smile.

  ‘Don’t make me come over there and smash you.’ Reagan’s attempts at sudden seriousness failed miserably and finally her eyes caught on to the fun too.

  ‘I w…wouldn’t try it if I were you.’

  ‘Oh yeah, why’s that?’

  ‘’cause I’m sthpethal that’s why.’

  ‘My toilet paper’s special too and you should see what I do with that!’

  Well, that was enough for both of them and they immediately cracked up into great waves of giggling, so much so that both Mrs Crowe and Grandma Daisy came up to their respective rooms to see what the heck was going on. For a while there, all either adult could do was look on bemusedly while the hilarity ran its course.

  Mrs Crowe in particular was happy. It had been way too long since anyone in that household had let loose like this and it was music to her ears.

  54. NOT ANOTHER FAVOUR

  Both Eddy and Reagan were lodged at their respective window ledges, text books at hand and pens at the ready. Eddy hadn’t realised how hard this study thing would be and he was getting kind of worried that he may have bitten off more than he could chew. But if he was struggling, Reagan was drowning and he knew he had to set the example. If she saw him losing his cool, she’d throw in the towel altogether.

  For a while now, without making it seem like a chore (Reagan didn’t take to chores all that well), Eddy had endeavoured to make study a regular habit. The fact that they were both doing four identical subjects helped immensely and after Reagan had settled in from a full day at school they’d fall in beside their windows and get the ugly stuff out the way. Not on Fridays though. Definitely not on Fridays. That was a Reagan rule and hell could freeze over before that changed.

  This particular day was a Wednesday and Eddy could see the week had already taken its toll on her. Reagan’s mind simply refused to absorb the words in front of her and so Eddy figured that a break would be more helpful than harmful.

  ‘Reagan, do you think you could do me a favour?’

  ‘This isn’t another one of Eddy’s ‘special’ favours is it?’

  ‘It might be,’ responded Eddy to her question as if to say ‘what’s it to you’.

  ‘Oh no, here we go again.’

  ‘That’s enough of that, thank you very much.’

  ‘Okay then.’ Reagan closed her book and sighed an overly dramatic sigh. ‘What do you need me to do?’ It was all a facade, both of them knew that. If Eddy had something to say to someone then it was something that really mattered. If Reagan could be a part of that, well, then she was in, all guns blazing.

  Eddy tossed his books on the bed, slipped out the window with practiced ease and moved deftly across Mr Tree to hand her a note. A note which had been nestled in his pocket for two days now.

  ‘Can you put this under the windscreen wiper of Mr McKenzie’s car. The white one.’

  ‘Sure, but I can just knock on his door and hand it straight to him if you want.’

  ‘No thanks. Just under the windscreen wiper will do fine.’

  ‘Okay, if you say so.’ Reagan looked down at the latest mysterious note in her hand. ‘Can I have a read of it?’

  ‘If I said no, would it make any difference?’

  Reagan just smiled that cheeky smile at him.

  ‘I didn’t think so. Go ahead then.’

  Unfolding the note, Reagan gave herself a couple of minutes to soak it in before looking back up at him with a stunned expression on her face.

  ‘Is this true?’ she asked.

  Eddy nodded.

  ‘Wow. You’re amazing Eddy.’

  ‘I’m just the messenger remember.’

  ‘Yeah I know, but…gees. Are you allowed to change things like this?’

  ‘G..good question.’ Eddy leaned forward against Reagan’s window ledge. ‘I’ve asked myself that one too.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I can never be sure about anything but I figure if it’s given to me, it’s for a reason. Trouble is, I have to work out that reason.’

  ‘Boy, that’s a heavy load.’ Reagan only echoed what Eddy already understood.

  ‘You know what?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I wouldn’t change it for a thing.’

  I think you would Eddy. I seriously think you would.

  ‘When should I do it?’

  ‘No time like the present.’

  ‘Oh we are bossy today aren’t we.’ Reagan folded the note back up and slapped him up a swift salute.

  ‘Good luck soldier,’ replied Eddy as she turned and left her room. As soon as she was out of sight he climbed back into his own bedroom and took his post at the front window. From there he saw her come out her front door, cut across the lawn and head up the street. The McKenzie place was only two down from Mrs Elsdon’s and that meant he’d be able to watch the whole operation.

  Thanks Reagan. It feels good doesn’t it…to know you’ve done the right thing. To do something good. It’s a precious experience.

  Turning to face his house, even though she probably couldn’t actually see Eddy from her viewpoint, Reagan let out a quick wave before slotting the piece of paper securely under the wiper of Mr McKenzie’s white sedan.

  And white it certainly was. The McKenzie’s did
n’t have many of the fancier things in life but what they did have, they looked after. Mr McKenzie washed that ten year old car of his every weekend. Not with the expensive stuff either, just good old fashioned soap and water.

  They had twin boys less than a year old and, as much as they couldn’t afford it, Mrs McKenzie had taken the year off work. Eddy could see it all play in his head. She so desperately wanted to spend time with her lovely babies, babies they’d never thought they’d have after so many miscarriages. Five in total. Five times they’d had their dreams dashed. Five times their greatest hopes had been unceremoniously scraped from her body by the cold tools of the medical staff. Most couples would’ve given up. The pain wasn’t worth it. In fact Mrs McKenzie had been ready to do just that. As much as she hadn’t wanted to admit defeat, she’d realised she had to come to terms with reality. For some reason, some people simply couldn’t have children and, as a couple, they’d drawn the short straw on that lottery. It had been Mr McKenzie who’d persuaded her to give it just one more go. As with most men, he’d never thought much about being a father in his younger years, there was too much else going on to think about that sort of thing. But around the time he’d met Penny, something changed on that front. It hadn’t all been in a flash and a bang, it had been something subtle, a quiet yearning. Over time he’d come to realise that his desire for a family was an extension of himself. Maybe a part of it was in wanting a legacy to carry on his name but it wasn’t only that. It was as though, when he and Penny dovetailed together in such perfect symmetry, they became larger than the sum of their parts, and, like water filling an empty space, they were destined to create new life. Eddy would have congratulated him for that concept, because he wasn’t all that far from the truth.

  When the miscarriages slapped them time and time again, Rory McKenzie felt them as deeply as his wife. He couldn’t understand it. The doctors couldn’t tell them what they so desperately needed to know. There was no medical reason as far as they could tell. It made absolutely no sense at all and it just wasn’t fair.

  That had kickstarted Rory’s first experience with God. And it wasn’t one he was proud of either. He was angry and if the doctors figured it had nothing to do with their physical make up, then he had nowhere else to shake his fist at, except up. It was the greatest of ironies that, in his desperate morass of self pity and resentment, in his fury at God’s seemingly arbitrary delegation of tragedy, he also found his anchor.