Jam Sandwiches

by Greg Fowler

  So the school year kicked back into gear. Reagan had taken it well too. For some it would have been tough going, having to watch everyone else slip a year ahead and having to replay a whole year of life again. When it came to the school work though, she had a good mentor, one of the best. Virtually every evening after dinner she’d be up in that bedroom of hers, making sure that she not only had the homework under her belt, but that she actually comprehended the content. That was the key, Eddy told her. It wasn’t just enough to fill the spaces, you had to understand why. It was a lesson in life really.

  And as for Eddy, he too had his fair share of study to contend with. If he’d really wanted to he could’ve taken on one more year of secondary school but such were his marks last year he had the opportunity to slip right through to university. He was caught in two minds for quite some time and, when the days ran out and he was forced to make a decision, he found a healthy compromise. The idea of commuting every day to the other side of the city didn’t exactly rock his boat. Having expressed this to Mrs Stanton, she’d immediately come up with the perfect answer; extramural study. It made all the sense in the world. He could tackle university study and, other than the odd on campus course, he didn’t have to leave his front door. So, as Reagan attacked the books up on that window ledge of hers, Eddy formed a mirror image across at his place.

  As convinced as Reagan was about her own dedication, as committed as she was to succeed this time around, it took its toll on her. It was a gradual thing and Eddy was probably best positioned to notice it. At first he’d just figured that she was mentally exhausted from all the study and that, much the same as any muscle getting exercise, her brain would adjust and she’d come through all the better for it. But as the weeks melted into months it seemed to get worse. She was constantly tired to the point where heavy, bruised circles had found a permanent home under her eyes and where her long, hollow yawns had become so second nature that even Eddy had to remind himself to notice them. By the time Eddy first spied the changes in her ‘green’ he’d already arrived at a heightened level of concern for her wellbeing. It had reached the stage where he no longer had to force her to take breaks, or even to forget the homework completely for a day or two. She had no choice despite herself and more often than not she’d be fast asleep by mid evening. Not just normal sleep either, she’d be in so deep that only daylight could bring her out again. Considering Reagan had always been a night owl, this new development in her behaviour worried him. Him and Mrs Crowe.

  One particular day, when Reagan’s Mum had been home on a school day, she’d called across to Eddy from her daughter’s room.

  ‘Hi Eddy.’

  ‘Hi Mrs Crowe.’

  ‘How’s the book work going?’

  ‘There’s an awful l…lot of it.’

  ‘Well if there’s anyone I know who can handle it, it’s you.’

  ‘Thanks Mrs Crowe.’

  ‘Eddy?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Have you noticed anything strange about Reagan lately?’ To hear this question coming from Mrs Crowe was an acknowledgement of that nagging concern and, as much as Eddy wished she had no reason to ask such a question, it was a genuine relief to hear it.

  ‘She g..gets real tired, real quick.’

  Mrs Crowe had nodded her head in thoughtful silence.

  ‘Do you think she’s okay?’ she’d asked eventually.

  ‘I don’t know. She’s t..trying real hard with her school work. Maybe it’s wearing her out.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe. Can you just keep an eye on her for me Eddy? I’ve been trying to talk her into going to the doctor but she’s a stubborn one.’

  Tell me something I don’t know.

  ‘Sure Mrs Crowe.’

  That had been a couple of weeks ago now and since then Reagan’s fatigue hadn’t improved in the slightest. Eddy had been doing exactly as her mother had asked, but he wished he could do more. As much as he knew what the outcome would be in advance, he ‘reached’ through Mr Tree every single day. He had to at least try, but all he got was the same old message…a whole bunch of nothing and that frustrated the heck out of him. It made no sense. Why could he get a complete life story on some people and nothing on Reagan, the one person so close to him.

  It just wasn’t right, nothing was and Eddy was starting to get the feeling that things were only beginning to warm up on that front.

  72. TIME FOR A CHAT

  ‘Reagan……..Hey, Reagan.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You fell asleep.’

  ‘Ooops.’ Reagan lifted her heavy head and regarded Eddy from across the way with even heavier eyes. ‘Sorry. Where were we?’

  ‘We were stopping for the day is wh…where we were.’

  ‘But we only just got started.’ Her words said one thing but her body language betrayed the real story. She was absolutely shattered and the idea of closing the books for the day sounded mighty fine. About as fine as a soft, warm pillow in fact.

  ‘Yep and you were already asleep. I’m worried about y…you.’ Eddy pushed his books aside, hoping to portray how serious he was. ‘Are you okay Reagan ‘cause your Mum’s worried about you too?’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired all the time, that’s all.’ Reagan shrugged her shoulders. No big deal.

  ‘You should g..go to the doctor to have a check up.’

  ‘I’ll be alright.’

  ‘No Reagan,’ asserted Eddy. She wasn’t alright. She was far from it and getting further every day. ‘You’re n..not alright. Will you please go to the doctor. For me?’

  ‘I hate doctors.’

  ‘And I hate seeing you like this. You’re not my f…fun Reagan anymore.’

  That one stung a bit, Eddy could see it in the way she wanted to shoot back but held the reins with a massive dose of willpower. As far as he was concerned, that was a good thing. Only hearing the truth could hurt that much. He despised having to dish it up like this but right now the ends were more important than the means.

  ‘We’ll see but I’m not making any promises….okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ It wasn’t the perfect result but it would do. It would have to do. When it came to changing Reagan’s mind about something, it was all about a nibble at a time. Try and make it all in one big bite and all he’d end up with is teeth marks. ‘Reagan?’

  ‘Yep?’

  ‘Just be careful. Can’t have m…my movie star too tired for the Oscars.’

  That was it. That was the smile he’d been baiting.

  73. A THOUSAND WORDS

  ‘Do you mind if I come in Eddy?’

  ‘Sure Grandma Daisy.’

  Eddy moved away from the front window ledge as the bedroom door swung open. In walked Grandma Daisy and immediately it was obvious there was something on her mind, something that she had a need to let go of. And more than likely it had everything to do with whatever it was she was holding in her hand.

  She’s anxious. She’s not certain how to tackle this one, or indeed if she really should at all. She’s been standing in the hallway for a good five minutes, playing ‘should I, shouldn’t I’.

  As if to reinforce his focus, Grandma Daisy took another awkward peek at the object in her palm before regarding her grandson with an even greater sense of unease.

  ‘What’s wrong Grandma?’

  ‘That’s hard to say Eddy,’ she said with honest conviction. ‘I think it’s just an old lady coming to terms with the past.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Here.’ Grandma Daisy beckoned over to Eddy’s bed. ‘Come have a sit down with me.’

  Eddy did as instructed, trying to maintain a sense of decorum on the outside, but on the inside he was beginning to flutter with intrigue.

  Something’s coming out of the woodwork Eddy.

  ‘I should’ve done this a long time ago,’ admitted Daisy Catherine Sullivan as she regarded her one and only grandchild (as far as she was aware of course). ‘I could tell you I’d forgotten about t
hem but all that’d make me is a liar, and there’s been enough lying in this household. So, I’ve said it to you before and I’ll say it again, I’m sorry.’

  Laying her old, liver spotted hand on his young palm, she placed the contents of her apprehension and guilt at his disposal. Looking down, Eddy saw they were photos, two of them and they both had the weary hallmarks of age.

  He didn’t have to ask but he looked to Grandma Daisy anyway and all she could do was nod her head. It was a subtle nod, certainly subtle compared to the bolt of realisation it instilled within Eddy.

  One photo showed a young lady, quite pretty, with mousy brown hair and a look in her eye that reminded him of Reagan. The way Reagan had been a couple of years back when life hadn’t yet shown its capacity for being two faced. This young lady had been looking into the sun when the photo was taken and the light bounced off her fresh, freckled face like gold sparkling at the bottom of a prospector’s pan. She looked happy, Saturday evening happy.

  The second photo showed three women. They were standing side by side, arms around each other’s waists, the beach receiving timeless waves behind them. On the left hand side was the same young lady from the first photo, except she was probably a year or two older in this one. It was too hard to tell for sure, given that this one was taken from a greater distance than the first photo, but it seemed to Eddy she’d lost most of those freckles. She had sunglasses on but you didn’t need to see her eyes to know that times had changed. She’d ended up enjoying herself that fine day at the beach, but from start to finish, there’d been other places she’d preferred to have been.

  Standing in the centre of that beachside threesome was none other than Grandma Daisy herself. Except it was a much sprightlier version of the worn and weary lady sitting here beside him. In the photo she exuded vigour and pride, aspects that had since died and were only lately prepared to surface for air again. The lady that had been Grandma Daisy had no reason to question tomorrows. Broken families and dead husbands were a million years away.

  To the right of Grandma Daisy was another woman, this one the oldest. It took no stretch of the imagination to identify her as Grandma’s mother, Eddy’s great grandmother. The resemblance settled across the eyes and the bridge of the nose. It was also there in the posture, they way they both brought their shoulders back to prove to the world they shouldn’t be underestimated.

  ‘I still remember that day vividly,’ reminisced Grandma Daisy. ‘The photo was your Grandpa Nevil’s idea. Three generations in one, he called it. We had this photo up on our kitchen wall for years. Up until I took down everything that reminded me of her, that is.’

  ‘What was she like?’

  ‘She was my only child.’ Eddy felt Grandma Daisy glance over his shoulder at the photos in his hands, at the girl she’d given birth to and raised until she was old enough to take on the world herself (even though she wasn’t ready for it). ‘I loved her. I guess after all these years of pretending I don’t, you tend to forget that.’

  ‘Do you still love her?’

  ‘It depends what day you ask me. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say about your own daughter but it’s the truth. I suppose it’s not exactly a state secret, but I blamed you for how it all ended out, how our little family just disintegrated. Looking back I think I even blamed you for Nevil dying and he was gone before you were even born.’ Grandma Daisy paused and Eddy just let it stay that way until she was ready to go on. ‘I loved her on the days I was prepared to be honest with myself. Trouble was, there weren’t enough of them.’

  ‘You’ve seen the letters. She did write. At least for a while. There were times when I almost wrote back too. I’d always keep a track of the postal marks though so I had an idea of where she was. Back in the early days she’d headed north. I don’t think she ever really knew who your father was Eddy and I reckon half her running had to do with that. We could’ve made it work. The two of us plus you. I would have been there for her.’

  ‘In the end I lost her though. She stopped writing altogether and now I guess we’re as much strangers as strangers can get.’

  Eddy remained silent but looked across at his desk where his bear still sat, pride of place. A bear that was brought by a lady he never quite knew.

  ‘Sh…she was pretty,’ he said looking back at the photo of his mother by herself, freckles and all.

  ‘Yes, she was,’ agreed Grandma Daisy. ‘She was a bright thing too, had so much promise. She was just so busy chasing life down that she forgot to realise that life finds you all by itself.’

  ‘Do y…you miss her Grandma Daisy?’

  ‘That’s a real good question Eddy. I do. Yes, I do. At so many different levels too. I’m not a young lady any more. Time’s creeping on me and that gets a person to thinking. It’s like the closer you get to leaving this body and being at one with your soul, the easier it is to look at yourself from the outside. Some people might like what they see…..but I don’t. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do and the track’s due to run out.’

  ‘I th…think you’re doing alright.’

  Grandma Daisy smiled. It fell somewhere between happy and sad and Eddy figured that was about right.

  ‘Thanks Eddy. All thanks to you. It’s funny you know, how life twists and turns the way it does. How what I curse can turn into a blessing. It’s a lesson I’ve learned way too late…but one worth learning.’

  ‘Grandma?’

  ‘Yes Eddy?’

  ‘I don’t think it’s over yet.’

  ‘What do you mean hon’?’

  ‘You’re gonna see my Mum again one d..day.’ Eddy looked up into his grandmother’s tired eyes. ‘Right here in this house. I know you will.’

  I love you Mum. Wherever you are.

  74. TIME OFF

  ‘I didn’t think I saw you heading off t..to school today.’

  Reagan had obviously just climbed out of bed and, from Eddy’s perspective, it looked like she could quite happily climb back in for about a week.

  ‘No,’ she responded, wiping her tired eyes. ‘I’m had it. I can’t ever remember being this exhausted before.’

  ‘I told you, you n…need to go to the doctor.’

  ‘I know.’ Reagan reached for the ceiling in a bone yanking stretch that ended with a painful grimace. ‘Man, I hurt all over. Must have slept funny or something.’

  ‘Will you go?’

  ‘Did you take some nag pills today?’

  ‘No. Just worried.’

  ‘I’ve just been overdoing it I reckon.’ Reagan moved over to the window ledge and virtually collapsed against it, head resting against the crook of her arm. ‘All I need is a good break. A few days without school work and I’ll be back up and running in no time.’

  ‘Well make sure you rest then.’

  ‘Gees Eddy, did my Mum leave you a note to read from or something? You’ve just about got her word for word.’

  ‘Just keen on my n…next jam sandwich, that’s all.’

  ‘So that’s all I am to you then.’ The twinkle was there in her eye, it was just that the smile took a little while to catch up. ‘A jam sandwich delivery service.’

  ‘The best in the business.’

  ‘Well, I might just have to charge like the best in the business then.’ There was that smile.

  ‘You already do get p…paid.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘W…with the pleasure of my wonderful company.’ And with that said, Eddy mirrored her with a grin of his own making. At least on the outside. As he watched her drag herself back to her feet and head out the room he placed his hand on Mr Tree and projected across with everything he had. Still nothing….or was there?

  Green to grey.

  What does that mean?

  Green to grey.

  And there’s a man coming to see me. He’s going to start looking for me real soon.

  75. A HEAVY LOAD

  Reagan took the rest of that week off, and while it did seem to do her some good, i
t by no means transformed her into the girl she should’ve been and used to be. Nowhere near to be honest, and Reagan certainly wasn’t being honest. By Thursday she was playing the ‘I’m fine now’ trick but Eddy could see the ace up her sleeve. She was putting on a brave face just to keep him and her mother off her back.

  The one good thing was the amount of sleep she got. It seemed like every couple of hours she was collapsing back on that bed of hers, and that was on top of a full night’s sleep. If rest is what she needed then rest is what she got.

  On Friday, about mid morning and with the sun promising to win the day, Reagan got dressed for the first time all week and arrived at her window with a sense of purpose.

  ‘Hey Eddy?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘How about a walk?’

  Eddy looked across at her, measuring her ability to follow up on the offer. ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yep. I feel better than I have in a while. Besides,’ she said, reaching her hand out to where the sun could bathe it, ‘the vitamin D will do me good.’

  The man. He’s going to sleep soon. Then he’ll come and find me.

  Eddy shook his head, not understanding what this stuff about ‘the man’ had to do with anything. These messages had been coming on and off for a few days now and they made no sense.

  ‘Was that a ‘no’?’ asked Reagan.

  ‘Sorry,’ replied Eddy clearing his head. ‘I mean yes…but only if you’re up to it.’

  ‘I’ll see you downstairs then.’

  Eddy’s concerns for Reagan were only deepened when he saw her standing out there on the front lawn. He hadn’t really seen all of her for a little while thanks to the window, and seeing her out here in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt made him catch his breath. As beautiful as she still undoubtedly was, there was a definite look of scrawniness about her. The sort that didn’t belong on her. Her jeans, that had once painted themselves across her hips, were now hanging on for dear life around her waist and her shirt couldn’t hide the gaunt ridge of her shoulders.