Jam Sandwiches

by Greg Fowler

  ‘But then, just a few days ago, something happened. The exhaustion got the better of me. I was in a homeless shelter downtown and I had myself a warm blanket for once. I think that’s what did it. One minute I was awake and the next I was out to it. And I had a dream, not a nightmare…a dream.’

  ‘It was Max. Not Max in the driveway. Not Max under the wagon. Not Max, broken and dead in my arms. It was Max like he was the sun. He was so beautiful, even more beautiful than I remembered him. So pure, so perfect. And he was smiling…oh God, he was smiling. He was happy Eddy. You could see it in his eyes, the way they sparkled and danced.’

  ‘That sounds real n…nice Mr Jennings. I think he got his wish.’

  Mr Jennings regarded Eddy’s comment with a questioning expression.

  ‘Max may not have been a snow angel…but he got t..to be an angel.’

  ‘I suppose you’re right,’ responded this broken man with a smile. ‘He says something in the dreams. He has a message, and that’s the reason for me being here today. In my dream, in my wonderful dream he tells me I have to find the boy with the amazing tree. That I’ll find him in the suburbs west of the city, where the willow’s play. That’s just how he says it, ‘where the willows play’. And that when I find this boy, this special boy, I need to tell him something.’ Mr Jennings paused, making sure he got this bit word for word. ‘He tells me I need to tell you something you’ve already heard before. It’s about this tree here. ‘It won’t let her fall’. That’s it. ‘It won’t let her fall. It will never let her fall’. I don’t know what it means but I know I had to tell you.’

  It won’t let her fall! What does that mean?

  Eddy’s brain went into overload. Why would a tortured man like Michael Jennings search half the city for him based on something his dead son had told him in a dream if it didn’t have some serious meaning behind it. But what of the message? Mr Tree had ignored everything so far. Absolutely everything. So what was this? Was there something he was missing? Was this like Aladdin’s cave and he wasn’t using the right password? This was Reagan’s life! Reeling with confusion he still managed to find an anchor. He was right about one thing. That dream, it had to be precious in more ways than one. It was going to save this man’s life and, somehow, it was going to save Reagan’s too.

  ‘I’m n…not sure what it means Mr Jennings, but I w…will do everything to find out.’ Then, concentrating once more on the situation in hand, he continued. ‘I think things will be okay now Mr Jennings. One w…way or the other, everything always ends up okay. It’s like r..rivers flowing into the ocean.’

  ‘How do you mean?’ he quizzed.

  ‘We’re like a river.’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Every r…river ends up in the ocean.’ As Eddy explained this he looked hard into Mr Jennings eyes, he needed to get this across. ‘Life c…can be tough but we all end up in the same place, the same w…wonderful place. We all become one there. Th…that’s where Max is right now. His river was short and yours m…might be long, but if there’s one thing I know, you and Max will be together again one day.’

  For a good while, Mr Jennings said nothing. He sat there in the chair and soaked Eddy’s words in. This young man in front of him, the boy with the tree, had received a message but he had also given one. And for the first time in almost two years, Michael James Jennings wondered about tomorrow.

  Despite a sincere offer to stay, at least for the night, Michael Jennings had left later that evening. He had ‘things’ to do he said. Eddy didn’t know for sure what they were, but he did know they were good things. Things that would make Mr Jennings better. There would always be a sense of loss inside him, that was unavoidable, but now there was an added sense of direction. He would find his flow, and when the ocean was ready to receive him in its own good time, we would go freely and openly into its mighty arms.

  He’d smiled when Eddy had made one last comment as they’d parted ways.

  ‘Mr Jennings?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Max found the ocean on the same day as Jesus.’

  83. TIME RUNNING OUT

  Two days after Michael Jennings’ remarkable visit, Reagan came back home. She was worn and battle wearied, but she was happy to be out of the hospital. The staff there were friendly she said, but not the same as home.

  The frightening thing was that, with every passing day, another part of her faded into nothingness. Not just her physical weight. It was her spirit, her hopes and her determination as well. That precociousness that had been her calling card was but a shadow of its former self, and even when it did show up, it was forced for the sake of himself. Eddy didn’t know if this was the chemo or the cancer. It was impossible to tell the difference and he just wanted it to stop.

  Observing this character landslide in motion only made him all the more desperate to find the answer to Mr Jennings’ riddle. If Eddy wasn’t over with Reagan, he was up in his room, urging, grasping, yanking at anything and everything which might contain that miracle he needed.

  ‘It will not let her fall.’

  How? What? Why? It was just too thin. Did it even mean what he thought it meant, or was he so frantic in his panic to beat father time that he was reading too much into it? How could life make so much sense one minute and none the next.

  The vibrations were still there. That channel to some wondrous source of knowledge was also there. That was the thing, the really frustrating thing. It was there alright, the trouble was, it was a one way street. He couldn’t go to it, instead, it choose when to come to him. He could still chat with Mrs Elsdon and know things about Ben. He could still watch Mr Wilson mowing the lawn out front of his place and know that he was thinking about getting on the computer to find a Philippine wife. He would’ve done it already if he hadn’t been so self conscious about what the neighbours would think. Eddy didn’t ask for it, it was just ‘there’. So, why not the stuff that mattered? Why not the stuff that would give a once vivacious seventeen year old girl her life back?

  And if he didn’t figure this out soon, he might as well have killed her himself.

  ‘Eddy.’

  ‘What are y..you doing out of bed!’

  Reagan had been home for another week by now, but soon enough the umbilical cord attached to the hospital would drag her back in for another nightmare dose of chemo. She knew it, they all knew it, it just wasn’t on the conversation list.

  Seeing her standing there at her window, he noticed that not even the sunset could paint away the paleness. Her disease had even beaten the sun.

  ‘I need you to do me a favour.’

  Don’t you know it young lady, don’t you know it.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Climb over here and help me out the window.’

  ‘I can’t d..do that!’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You know why.’

  Reagan had been expecting his refusal. She’d rehearsed.

  ‘Eddy, listen to me okay.’ She continued before he could respond one way or the other. Some things still hadn’t changed. ‘Let’s just say it was you sick. I mean really sick. Counting down the days sick. Here’s this stunning sunset, and right here in front of us is the best place on Earth tonight to watch it. What would you do?’

  ‘I’d go b…back to bed.’ That was about the second lie Eddy had ever told to Reagan.

  As a result, Reagan gave him ‘the stare’, the one that said, don’t make the same mistake twice buddy, because I know where you live.

  ‘Come on Reagan,’ he pleaded. ‘Your Mum will k…kill me.’

  ‘She’s having a nap. She doesn’t need to know. Not for long, I promise.’

  Eddy must’ve given the impression he was still firmly on the ‘no’ track because, once more, she got in first. ‘Please Eddy. I really need this.’

  ‘This is crazy. You know that.’

  ‘About as crazy as it gets,’ she agreed in that maddening fashion of hers.

  Wishing she’d never asked the q
uestion, Eddy climbed out his window and across Mr Tree until he could reach over and grab Reagan’s forearm.

  ‘Don’t you dare let me fall,’ she said as she mustered the strength and the courage to move.

  ‘Hey, this was your idea.’ Eddy reached even further, as far as his anchor hand would let him. Letting her fall was not an option, he just wished he understood what Mr Tree meant by that statement.

  As she levered herself out the window, with the support and careful guidance of Eddy, her face struggled to belie the pain. It rose in her cheeks with a hot flush and he could tell she was doing everything in her willpower to stop from groaning.

  We should not be doing this.

  ‘Stop complaining,’ said Reagan out of nowhere. ‘You got the easy part.’

  Eventually he got her out the window and on to the tree limb. Then, shuffling along to their jam sandwich committee spot, he gently lowered her until she was sitting on the broadest part of the branch. Satisfied that she was as safe as she was going to be under the circumstances, he planted himself beside her, not quite sure what was coming next.

  Reagan seemed to be true to her word, and for a while she just sat in silence, watching the power source of the solar system complete its daily rounds. Eddy was caught halfway between the orange sunset and sneak peeks across at her, wondering if she was okay and trying to guess at what was going on in that mind of hers.

  ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’ she finally said.

  ‘It is,’ he answered, still caught somewhere between the sun and Reagan.

  ‘I like the sun.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘Even when it dies it’s beautiful. And then it gets up and lives again every day.’ They were poignant words, and Eddy hated them for that. He didn’t want to hear her talking about death. It was close enough without her having to invite it in.

  ‘Somehow it’s going to be alright Reagan. I know it is.’

  Now Reagan looked across at him.

  ‘Do you know that Eddy. Do you really?’

  Eddy had to look away. With one silly comment, he’d failed her all over again. Mercifully Reagan went back to appreciating what was indeed a gorgeous sunset. Great swathes of purples were beginning to transform from amongst the oranges, like an artist layering the background for a wonderful masterpiece, and Eddy supposed in a way that was absolutely correct.

  The quietness was absorbing, a black hole into which every noise a neighbourhood should make was swallowed, so that he and Reagan sat in utter stillness. So much so that even the silence had its own physicality, and Eddy felt it bounce around between them, wanting to be released but too blind to escape. In the end he could stand it no longer.

  ‘I’ll always be here Reagan,’ he said softly. ‘No matter what happens, I will always be here for you.’

  ‘I know Eddy.’ Reagan let the sunset go and looked back at Eddy with sad, sorry eyes. ‘Can you hold me?’

  Shuffling over so that his hip touched hers, Eddy gently placed an arm around her shoulders and leaned in close. He tried not to notice how the hard bony knobs of her sickness ravaged frame poked through against his hand. Not now, he had to embrace her for who she was, the girl whose soul had reached out and touched him when he’d most needed it. He wasn’t going to deny her that. Not here, not with this wonder of nature before them. Not here, not in the place where there had been so many joyful times. So Eddy held her close, as close as he dared, and loved her with all his heart.

  ‘I’m scared Eddy.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Never leave me, please. Never let me go.’

  ‘Not in a million years.’

  ‘You promise?’

  ‘I promise.’

  84. A ROCK IN THE RIVER

  Reagan stayed home for another week before she was due back in. Eddy didn’t know what was worse. Having her home so he could watch her fade away in fractions or have her packed off to hospital where she was dragged through the oncology unit like a product on a conveyor belt. Okay, so they were trying their best at the hospital but it wasn’t working. He could see that, so surely they could too.

  Mrs Crowe wasn’t saying too much. That didn’t bode well. She appeared to Eddy as though she was bearing a mother’s responsibilities with the grim determination of a soldier in the trenches. She certainly knew more than she was letting on. Eddy figured, that in her eyes, ignorance was hope and if she kept the worst of the news from Reagan then maybe, just maybe, such blind ignorance could fool the cancer. Call it clutching at straws, but right now any straw, even the smallest of small, could be enough to keep the world turning.

  Eddy stayed with her as often as possible in the hospital. No matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to be able to get comfortable in that place. It was haunting, as though there were too many souls caught between those walls, fighting against the current, refusing to face the ocean. Even some, he sensed, that saw the ocean, beautiful and blue, but couldn’t quite get there.

  He wondered where Reagan might fit in that picture. Was she wishing for an end to this now? Was the pain becoming too much for her to bear? Or was she holding on for him. Waiting for him to come to her rescue. Waiting for him to stop the fall.

  As each torturous day passed, he would reach with all his might. The nights were best, they always had been. It was as though the connection was strongest when the world was quiet. In those hushed moments, so much of the bigger picture seemed to reveal itself. The stars in the night sky were brighter, the air seemed thinner and, if you listened hard enough, you could hear the Earth spinning on its axis. It all made Eddy wonder if, when people slept soundly in their beds, did the answers to all the biggest questions show themselves, just for a precious moment. Did they peek between the clouds to gaze upon the creation of their making and wonder what had become of it. And if so, if you knew what you were looking for, if you felt the presence, could one so insignificant as himself look up and know what there is to know? He’d had a taste of it, but now that he wanted to pick a morsel himself, he found he couldn’t. For him at least, the feast of knowledge had a limited menu and the most important answer of them all right now, wasn’t even on the page.

  If you won’t let her fall, what do you call this? Look at her. She’s falling like a rock.

  For the two weeks that Reagan spent back at the hospital, Eddy only came home twice. It was on the second such occasion he found himself back up at that front window of his, so lost in contemplation that he didn’t even notice Mrs Elsdon limp on up to the front lawn below him.

  ‘Hi Eddy.’

  ‘Oh, hi Mrs Elsdon.’

  ‘How’s Reagan doing?’

  ‘Not so good.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ And she was right. Mrs Elsdon had been following Reagan’s progress right through this painful ordeal. Of course, for her this was the second time she’d been connected to such a slow, heart breaking decline in a person she knew. The first time had scarred her for life, but scars were scars for a reason. They acted as reminders and as lessons of experiences lived. They were there to be touched, there to be talked about and, when you were naked, you couldn’t avoid them. She could see this whole, human process commencing in the special boy down the road from her, and she saw it as her duty to help see him through it.

  ‘She’s back at the hospital, having m…more chemo.’

  ‘Do you think it’s working?’

  ‘I don’t really know. Mrs Crowe says it’s supposed to make her sick, but if you ask me, I think it’s worse than the cancer.’

  ‘How are you holding up, Eddy?’ That was a good question, and one he couldn’t recall being asked up until now. Everything was about Reagan, and it had to be that way. She was the one suffering.

  ‘I’m okay, I guess.’ Now that he was put on the spot, Eddy gave himself the emotional once over. How was he doing? His best friend was lying in some cold machine having radiation forced through her body and he should have seen it coming.

  Green to Grey.r />
  Damn it. He had seen it coming. And even now, with the disease having lain it’s spawn, there was still the expectation he had something to offer, that he should be saving the day. No, he wasn’t okay, he wasn’t okay at all.

  Mrs Elsdon wasn’t blind though. Old yes, blind, no.

  ‘It’s hard isn’t it, to watch someone you love fade in front of your eyes?’

  Eddy just nodded. The right answer simply couldn’t be put in words.

  ‘Ben had always been such a strong man. He had one of those lucky metabolisms where he could eat all day and not gain an ounce of fat. I used to like that about him and it used to make me jealous at the same time. I so much as look at ice cream and I put on weight. But he was so wiry. Even when he read the paper you could see the muscles working away in his forearms.’

  ‘I always figured people like that lived long, healthy lives. No reason for it I suppose, just that they don’t seem to be carrying around any unnecessary baggage.’

  ‘So I’d set myself up for a long life of married bliss. A diamond anniversary was a given. If anything I was going to have to be the one to live up to the mark.’

  ‘When he started going downhill, I couldn’t believe it. That wasn’t what was supposed to happen. That sort of thing happened to other people, not us. You know something, I didn’t even cry for two weeks after he went to the doctor that first time. I refused to accept it. Not my Ben. Never my Ben.’

  Mrs Elsdon did her customary shift of position on that walking stick of hers before continuing on. It was such an unconscious act for her now but Eddy saw in it the proof that this lady had become very used to pain. To the point where it showed more on the outside than it did on the inside.