Jam Sandwiches

by Greg Fowler

  ‘I haven’t left you since I was nine years old. I’m not about to start now.’ It was his turn for that painful reality smile.

  ‘Thank you Eddy.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘For everything. You made me the leading lady in the best movie of all.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘My life.’

  I love you Reagan Crowe.

  ‘I love you too Eddy Sullivan.’

  87. JUST ONE MORE TIME

  Reagan came home the following day the same way she’d left it, in an ambulance. The day was wet and miserable which seemed perfectly in tune with the underlying mood.

  Mrs Crowe had been lent a hospital gurney bed by a charitable trust for terminal patients and so she’d had this set up in Reagan’s bedroom. The bedroom hadn’t been Mrs Crowe’s intention however. Her idea had been to have Reagan downstairs but her daughter would have nothing of it. Her bedroom was her bedroom and that’s where her bed went…simple as that. Some things never changed.

  Eddy remained her shadow throughout, making sure the bed was set at the right angle and making sure she stayed without pain. The irony of it all being that all she had now was a couple of lonely bottles of medication versus what had once been a whole battalion. It was a case of be careful what you wish for.

  ‘Do you think it’s pretty?’ asked Reagan during one her better periods. Mrs Crowe was sitting in the room too, but Eddy felt the question was directed more at him.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘On the other side. Heaven.’

  Mrs Crowe looked up, the sting of her daughters words written plainly across her face. But she too sensed this one belonged to Eddy and she watched him as he felt for an answer to something so tender.

  ‘Remember the butterfly?’ said Eddy at last. ‘The one at the school that day?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Remember how when you looked up really close you could see the perfection in its creation?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s what it’s like in Heaven, except you don’t have to look close because it’s always there, right in front of your eyes.’

  Reagan closed her eyes and smiled. ‘I like that Eddy,’ she said. ‘It sounds like a wonderful place to be.’

  By about ten o’clock that night Reagan appeared to be well and truly asleep. Sleep now for Reagan though wasn’t just on the edge of dreams, it was the edge of a far greater place, a place from which there was no return.

  Mrs Crowe promised to leave the side window open. She also promised to call him across if Reagan so much as blinked. Eddy made her cross her heart, but he stopped at ‘hope to die’.

  The original plan was for him to stay on over there. Mrs Crowe didn’t mind one bit. But he had something he needed to do, something he absolutely had to do…just one more time.

  Stepping back into his bedroom, he decided to leave the light off. Having the only light coming into the room being that from Reagan’s lamp seemed right. There was a certain symbolism in it that he couldn’t quite capture in words.

  And there was another reason for wanting the darkness too. In the dark you could believe even the wildest of notions. In the dark the impossible became possible. In the dark it could be just you and God.

  Lying down on his bed, he reached out without looking and placed his right hand on Mr Tree, that big, broad branch which had first come to visit six remarkable years ago. In his own anger and resentment Eddy realised he hadn’t done this for a while. If Mr Tree was going to let Reagan fall, he’d wanted no part of it, whatever the other precious gifts it had offered. In his eyes, they’d become false offerings. Now though, with the end so close and so clear, he had begun to sense something. He’d forgotten something. Yes, that’s what it felt like. In his grind to become accepted as a boy, as a son, as a grandson, in his desire to live a normal life, he’d forgotten the most important thing…there was no normal life. If anything, he’d blinded himself. He’d misplaced the extraordinary, the amazing, the heavenly with something less and if ever there was a perfect time to remember it again, this was it.

  The world was indeed a place overlaid with magic and wonder and now it was time to find the source.

  I’m here.

  The vibrations didn’t tingle into him this time, he went to them.

  We know you are Eddy. We’ve been waiting for you.

  10 May 2005

  88. A LESSON IN LOVE

  It was near on one o’clock in the morning when Eddy let go of Mr Tree for the last time. He continued to lay there on the bed for a moment, there in the darkness except for the night lamp in Reagan’s room. He lay there and he smiled. The first real smile since that fateful day Reagan had passed out in the street.

  Heaven was indeed a beautiful place, but it wasn’t ready for Reagan Crowe, not yet.

  Swinging his feet around so they touched the floor, he stood up. He had things to do.

  Stepping over to his bedroom door, he gently pulled it open and checked the lay of the land. It wasn’t unusual for Grandma Daisy to fall asleep in front of the TV downstairs but tonight that didn’t appear to be the case. There were no lights filtering up the stairs and no noise of infomercials trying to sell nothing to nobody. Grandma had obviously beat the fatigue and made it up to her room at the other end of the hallway.

  Good. It was the way it was meant to be.

  Eddy tiptoed halfway down the hallway before he tenderly turned the handle on the linen cupboard next to the bathroom. That, he knew, was where he would find his good clothes, all pressed and ready for action. Sure enough, there they were. Lifting them out in the tidy pile they were folded in, he closed the cupboard door again and headed down the stairs, making absolutely certain he missed the two creaky ones of the group.

  Once at the bottom, he collected his good, polished shoes from by the front door. He wouldn’t put them on just yet. He’d do that later. They had hard soles and the last thing he needed was to be plodding around in them and wake Grandma up. Carrying everything into the lounge room, he put the shoes to one side and began changing clothes.

  Socks on first. Always socks on first.

  It was certainly a good day to be dressed up he thought as he buttoned the last button in place. Pulling the shirt down tight, he looked at himself in the mirror on the wall and gave himself the stamp of approval. Grandpa would be proud. No, better than that, Mum would be proud.

  Bringing the shoes into the kitchen with him, Eddy put them down beside the fridge and began opening various cupboards. He knew what he needed, he just didn’t know where it was.

  Maple Syrup and flour. Where does she keep maple syrup and the flour?

  And pen and paper!

  It was another half an hour before Eddy climbed back up the stairs. He wasn’t in a hurry though. He had all the time in the world.

  I love you Grandma Daisy.

  Leaving his good shoes on his bed, Eddy made sure he held the package in his hand, nice and tight, before clambering out the window and on to Mr Tree. He felt the undulating ridges of the bark against his socks and smiled once more, it was a wonderful thing to know you were doing the right thing. Wonderful indeed.

  Having crossed over to Reagan’s bedroom window, Eddy leaned in. If he wasn’t mistaken, the tree had grown on this side too and if that wasn’t a message, nothing was. In fact, one of the branches was actually tucked up against the window ledge now, all things being equal, it wouldn’t be long before Reagan too had a little leafy visitor. That was better than ever.

  More good news, Mrs Crowe wasn’t in the room. The bedroom door was wide open and, with a different view, Eddy knew he’d be able to see her across the hallway, half awake, half asleep. It was the half asleep part that would have to do right now.

  Lowering himself into the bedroom with absolute caution, Eddy prepared himself for the dangerous part, the part that could spoil this whole thing. Unlike her mother, Reagan was in deep and Eddy couldn’t help but stall for a few seconds as he watched he
r exquisite peacefulness. Much like in Heaven, he found you didn’t have to look too closely to witness her perfection. It came to you instead.

  You’re going to be a wonderful mother one day Reagan. With three amazing children.

  Then, putting the package on the bed beside her, he grabbed hold of the steel bars, measured the weight in his hands, and then pulled. It had to be very, very gentle. If the wheels had a squeak in them he wanted to know before anybody else. There were no second chances here. It was a lucky thing for him too. There was a squeak or two, but he found that by taking it nice and easy he could manage the problem in relative silence and soon enough he’d pulled the bed all the way over to the side window. Right to where he needed it to be.

  Making certain the package was safe and secure on the bedroom side of Reagan’s bed, Eddy levered himself so that he now sat beside her, his feet dangling out the window. He was ready now, everything was in place. Now it was their time. They hadn’t had much of that lately and he’d missed it a lot. But this moment was his and his alone, and he was going to make the most of it.

  Reaching over, he gently leaned one elbow on the bed sheets beside her so he could be that much closer. Close enough so his face almost touched hers. Down here, he could feel her breath on his cheek. It tickled his skin and he delighted in it.

  ‘I’m here,’ he whispered. ‘Just like I promised. Just like I told you I always would be.’ Eddy looked for a reaction. Could she hear him deep down in there? Maybe, maybe not, but he had something to say and he wasn’t leaving here until he’d said it.

  ‘It’s gonna be alright. You’ll see.’ Ever so delicately he took his finger and ran it through her hair, hair that had started to thin but would soon grow back as thick and as healthy as before. ‘I’m going to miss you Reagan. I’m going to miss you like you wouldn’t believe, but I wouldn’t change a thing.’

  ‘These last few years have been amazing haven’t they? I still think about that day you knocked Nathan out. You were so strong. You were always so strong.’ Eddy suddenly realised exactly how hard this was going to be. There’d been too many tears lately though, this was supposed to be a happy moment, something to savour, but still, he couldn’t help himself and instead of trying to hold them back he let them come freely. He moved his face back from hers ever so slightly so that his sorrow wouldn’t wake her. She needed her sleep; his Sleeping Beauty.

  ‘You’ve taught me so much. You taught me to laugh, to stand up for myself, how to wish upon a sunset, how to live and love. Now it’s my turn to give back. I owe you. I owe you big time.’

  ‘I’ve told you before about how I think in pictures and colours. It’s weird I know. Spethal.’ Eddy wiped his eyes before the new batch of tears could fall on her.

  She can’t wake up Eddy…..

  ‘But it’s a blessing you know. Somewhere between you and Mr Tree something wonderful has happened. I’ve known things and seen things most people can only dream of. We are all part of the most amazing creation Reagan. Absolutely amazing. You and me, we’re right in the middle of it. We’re in deep.’

  ‘All of us, everybody, we’re like icebergs. When we struggle through each day, we only ever get to understand the piece that sticks out of the water, but there’s so much more to us than that. We just need to look under the surface to know the truth. Not truth like people out there talk about truth, I mean the real truth, the sort that answers the questions we don’t even know how to ask.’

  ‘We all have the ability to touch every life we meet in the most incredible ways. You did it for me. You did it every day since the first day we met. We can do it because under the surface we’re all connected with something amazing. Below the surface we’re all white light. We’ve just got to believe it, because believing is seeing’

  Eddy took his hand and softly stroked the length of Reagan’s arm, the arm that had once held a necklace out to him, a necklace stolen, but full of good intentions.

  ‘It doesn’t stop here. It doesn’t stop at the skin. When I’m gone, remember that. I’ll never be far away. I’ll never let you fall.’

  The tears cascaded now. In this place, in this time, this would be the last he would ever be able to touch the girl who was his treasure, his everything. She was his night and his day, his up and his down. She was the stuff that filled the places he couldn’t reach. She was his angel on Earth and she was his every joy under the sky. There was never a sunset that compared to her, this precious young lady on the bed beside him. No hue could ever come close to her. No oranges, no purples. She was untouchable. And this was the toughest thing, to leave her and know that she would have all those years, years where he could be oh so close and yet not be able to hold her hand.

  ‘I love you.’

  Leaning forward, Eddy placed a faint kiss on her lips. It was the second and last ever kiss in Eddy Sullivan’s short life. And they had both been perfect. As he lifted his face back away from her, one more tear landed on her forehead. It tracked the curve of her nose and down the side of her face to where it melted into the pillow.

  Eddy had never done anything so hard as climb back out of that window of hers. It was a beginning and an end. He couldn’t count how many times they’d scrambled across these branches, how many hours they’d spent just talking and laughing, just spending time together, growing together. How they’d hugged each other through the bad times and the good. How many jam sandwiches had they shared, knowing it had nothing to do with being hungry. How, somewhere over the span of six short years, the two of them had become one.

  Reaching back in, Eddy took her left hand tenderly in his and brought it delicately out to where he could place it on Mr Tree’s closest limb. For a moment he held it there, between his own hand and the hand of the tree that was about to give her life. From here he could still see her face, silhouetted by the night lamp.

  So precious, so beautiful. Too beautiful to die on a day like this.

  Just keep your hand there….for me.

  ‘Live well Reagan.’

  Eddy scrambled back into his room, the deepest of sorrows threatening to drown him. There was so much he hadn’t done yet. So many people still to help. They were going to have to find their own way now. But they would all find the ocean in the end. Even Reagan.

  Slipping on his good shoes, he found himself thinking back all those years when Grandma Daisy used to tug and pull at his feet, trying to force a pair of shoes that just didn’t fit. Perhaps he was like those shoes. He wasn’t meant to live a long life because, for some extraordinary reason, he just didn’t fit. He belonged somewhere else. But he had to admit, in these sixteen and a half short years, he had lived enough for two lifetimes.

  Now though, it was time to go. He would leave behind the greatest gift he could offer though…his life for hers. It had to be that way. He was the broken mold. He was the one with the funny looking face who couldn’t get a whole sentence straight if he tried. Yes, his life for hers. The beautiful one. The one with a mother who so desperately needed her to live.

  And he had a feeling, just a hunch, but Eddy had come to learn that his hunches had something behind them. Reagan Crowe had something special to offer this world. Exactly what it was he couldn’t put his finger on, but special all the same. She was going to change people’s lives, for the better. She was going to come through this even stronger than before and she was going to make a lot of people happy, very, very happy.

  It occurred to Eddy that maybe that was a big piece of his ‘plan’, his purpose for being here in the first place. To save the life of an angel sent from Heaven.

  And that was a noble thing.

  Allowing himself to finally smile one last smile, and feeling an overwhelming peace massage through his muscles, Eddy lay down on his bed and reached out for Mr Tree. He reached with his hand, his mind and his heart.

  Just before he closed his eyes, he witnessed a precious sight that gave him comfort for the journey to come. Up there, above him, a single leaf stretched out, unfurling
with the splendour of new life. As he watched, he realised that this leaf too had a purpose. It was on the furthest twig, the farthest extremity of Mr Tree’s circuit around his bedroom, and as it gently unfolded it reached out and touched the same branch from which it had been born. The circle was complete and the cocoon was spun. Eddy would go to sleep tonight, a broken boy in the eyes of this world, bar some, and he would wake up a butterfly.

  The moment his eyelids closed he felt it begin, the most amazing transfusion imaginable. His life for hers. He felt the life force, that God given life force, charge up through his arm and into the branches above him like blood through a network of veins. It knew where to go. It always had. Reagan Crowe would wake up tomorrow morning and she would be well.

  I’m coming home.

  Afterwards

  89. THE REMEMBER ME THINGS

  Grandma Daisy was the first to wake up in the morning. She’d always been an early riser. Not wanting to disturb Eddy after what had probably been a tough night tending to Reagan, she snuck downstairs, though not quite as nimble as Eddy had been only a few hours earlier.

  When she went into the kitchen to get a coffee, she found to her surprise a full breakfast already laid out for her. There, in the middle of the table, was a perfect stack of pancakes with a pottle of maple syrup just begging to be tipped over it. Next to that was a big glass of orange juice, freshly squeezed, just the way she liked it. Just the way her and Eddy used to have it on special occasions.

  And, resting on top of that stack of mouth watering pancakes, was a folded piece of paper. Her curiosity well and truly sparked, she stepped over, picked the paper off the stack and reached for her reading glasses with a smile. He was such a good boy, doing something like this for her. Especially after all those years she’d been so horrid to him. If ever there was a lesson in the power of forgiveness, Eddy showed the way. He was a blessing, that wonderful boy.