“But this could change his mind.”
I scoffed. “You really think I’d want to be with him just for the baby? No. I’d rather be alone with my baby.”
“Fine,” she huffed and refastened her seatbelt. “Come on let’s go before you’re late for your appointment. And don’t think for one second that I’m not coming with you.”
Jack
One hundred sixty-eight hours. Seven days. A full week had passed since Sierra walked up the stairs to her bedroom, rejection and pain radiating off her naked curves. Before I even had the chance to talk to her, to try and make things right, even though I had no goddamn clue how to do it, she was gone. And she hadn’t even reached out to me. In seven fucking days!
Not that I really expected her to, after all she was hurt and I was the one who’d hurt her. I never made promises, but I knew her feelings for me ran deep and that sex might complicate it. And it had. It had complicated everything. Still, I’d expected a passive aggressive text, or a snarky voice message. Maybe even a letter from a lawyer saying she wanted to dissolve our partnership. But she’d done none of that, and I felt like even more of a tool.
I had no clue what to do about Sierra. I liked her. I cared about her. A lot. If not for Sierra I don’t even know how I would have survived all those years in the desert fighting for my life. If I’m being honest, I fell a little in love with her through those letters, with the girl who used to follow me around with an adoring smile on her face. Who always baked me cookies when I scored a touchdown, when I joined the Army. Being so far away from family had been hard, but I was doing what I was meant to, and I was damn good at it. But those letters, telling me about the hardships of growing up a teenage orphan. Even before then she’d left letters in my boots, tucked into my Resistol, my books and even under my pillow. But falling for a bunch of letters, a connection to home wasn’t the same as falling in love.
Was it?
Hell no it wasn’t. It was affection, plain and simple. Still, I didn’t want Sierra feeling like she had to leave. Which meant I had to talk to her. But first I needed to talk to my best friend. A hard knock on the window startled me out of my thoughts and I looked into the smug face of the man I was here to see.
“You gonna sit in the car all night, or come inside where cold beer, hot leftover chili and laughing kids are waiting?”
I smiled, because damn that sounded like just what I needed. “I was just thinking.”
“Yeah well don’t hurt yourself,” he muttered and turned towards the house.
“I heard that jackass.”
“You were meant to.”
I followed Mason inside, through the large living room where Tammy sat in a chair while the kids played in front of the fire. “Hey munchkins!” Two pint-size bodies slammed into my legs, full of joy and energy with screams of ‘Uncle Jack!’ Dropping down on my knees I wrapped them both in my arms, smacking kisses against their little cheeks. Quickly forgotten, they went back to their toys and I gave Tammy a quick peck before joining Mason in the kitchen. “I was promised chili.”
“You know where everything is,” he said, pointing to the steaming pot on the stove while he cracked open a beer. “How’s the ranch coming along?”
“Great. The cattle arrived, the hands are hired and everything is looking good.” I sat at the long butcher block table and ate under Mason’s assessing gaze.
“Then why do you sound so damn depressed about it?”
I told him about Sierra and what happened the night of the party, as well as her subsequent departure. “I haven’t seen her since. You?”
He shook his head and the last bit of hope I clung to, vanished. Sage was her best friend and she hadn’t been here, which meant she was all alone. “Shit. What should I do?”
“I don’t know, but you should probably ask yourself why you’re so eager to find her.”
Why? Was he kidding? “The ranch house is hers too, and it’s not right that she feels like she has to leave.”
“And that’s all it is?”
I didn’t like what Mason was insinuating, and I glared at him, telling him as much. “Does it have to be more?”
“I suppose not,” he said, sounding all disappointed in me. “Then I guess it doesn’t matter that I dropped Sage off to see her this morning and they’ve been gone all day?”
I smiled. “Really?” Mason nodded, arching a brow. “Don’t get any ideas, I’m just happy that she’s not all alone right now.” Maybe all hope wasn’t lost that we could somehow salvage our friendship. And our partnership.
“Why can’t you just admit you like her man?” He shook his head, overgrown blonde hair brushing against his forehead, blue eyes full of pity.
“Of course I like her, don’t be stupid.” I liked Sierra just fine, but I’d made it thirty six years without falling in love so I was pretty sure that wasn’t in the cards for me.
“Jack,” he began, sounding exhausted and a little annoyed. “You more than like her. You’re in love with her, why can’t you just admit it?”
“I’m not.”
Mason shook his head and drained the rest of his beer. “I nearly lost Sage because I couldn’t admit how I felt, because I was scared. She gave me a taste of what life would be like without her, and I hated it. After having her with me, by my side, being without her felt empty. Useless.” Now he and Sage had an enviable relationship, full of love and support, not to mention a growing family. “I just don’t want you to miss out on that.”
“I’m not missing out on anything,” I insisted angrily. “Just because you’re all happy in love doesn’t meant everyone gets that.”
“But you could have it. But you’re throwing it away.”
I shook my head, trying to drown out his words because I didn’t want to hear them. “No.”
His gaze was serious. Sober. Sad. “Just admit that you love her.”
I smacked my hand on the table. “I don’t love Sierra!”
As soon as I heard the gasp I knew I had an audience. “Tell me something I don’t know,” she said, dropping the bags of food from Dolly’s on the table and storming out of the house.
“Jack!” Sage admonished, glaring at me.
“Dammit!” I glared at Mason for a moment, even though this wasn’t his fault before jumping out of my chair and going after Sierra.
“Sierra, wait!”
The stubborn woman didn’t wait, her hips swayed seductively as she marched down the stairs and hopped in her truck, turning over the engine angrily. “Stop! We need to talk.”
She rolled down the window and tear-filled green eyes slammed into me. “I need to get back to the bar. Goodbye Jack.” She punched the gas and sent gravel flying as she sped down the M&M driveway. As far away from me as she could get in a town the size of a postage stamp.
“Dammit!” I kicked at the dirt and gravel, a pointless gesture that matched the useless I felt down to my bones.
“Well at least now she’s crystal clear on your feelings,” Mason said from the porch.
Yeah. Only now, as Mason pointed out my mistake, I had a feeling the only person who now believed that I didn’t love her, was Sierra.
***
I spent the night thinking. Regrouping. Formulating a plan, but by the time I’d finished my morning chores and left the ranch I still had no answers. But I knew I had to try. I had to. That’s how I found myself at Sierra’s door at nine in the morning. She wouldn’t expect me, and after a late night at the bar I knew she’d be asleep.
Disarmed.
It made me a bastard to ambush her this way, but I knew it was the only way. I took several cleansing breaths before I knocked. I didn’t expect her to answer right away, but the place was tiny so it shouldn’t take minutes, so I knocked again.
Nothing.
I turned the knob and the door opened. Weird. Even though Lucky Flats had no crime to speak of, Sierra always locked her doors. Always. “Sierra?” I felt sick as I scanned the place. It was bare except for a
ratty old recliner and a cot with a damn air mattress on top for comfort. Last night’s jeans were on the floor, a red bra beside them. “Sierra?” The place was so damn tiny she couldn’t be hiding which meant she was in the bathroom.
Damn stubborn woman thought she could keep quiet until I left. Well she had another thing coming, because I wasn’t leaving until we talked. For real. “Sierra we need to…shit, what’s the matter?” She lay in a ball on the floor, her face pressed to the cool tile. “Sierra, can you hear me?” I gathered her in my arms. She was cold. Clammy. Disoriented.
“Just sick. I’ll be fine.” Just like Sierra to do it all on her own. She pushed me away and buried her head in the toilet, retching horribly. All I could do was hold her hair and rub her back, hoping it provided some sort of comfort.
“Bullshit Sierra. This is more than just a little sickness.”
She shook her head, but before she could say another word, more violence erupted from her gut. It was horrifying.
I stood and waited for her to finish before I scooped her in my arms and sat her on the piss poor excuse for a bed, jerking her jeans up her legs. “You need to go to the hospital, babe.”
“I’m fine,” she moaned but her head bobbed and her eyes rolled back like she might pass out.
“You will be.” I found her boots and slid them on her feet before picking her up and heading to the door.
“Stop!”
“Sweetheart you have to see someone.”
“My purse. I.D. Insurance.”
Right. The drive to the hospital was interminable. She moaned and clutched her midsection. I knew she must have felt awful because she kept her head on my shoulder and she didn’t shy away from my comforting touch.
When we arrived at the hospital, I slammed on the brakes and picked her up, rushing through the emergency room. “I need some help here. My girlfriend is very sick, she’s been throwing up all morning and I think she almost passed out.”
The nurse gave me an appreciative once over before motioning us over to an empty bed. “Set her right there. You can stay with her while you fill out this,” she handed me a clipboard full of paperwork. Most of the questions were easy until we got to the personal ones.
“Help me out here, Sierra. Date of your last period.” I figured a week or two, maybe three.
Green eyes landed on me with an annoyed look mixed with sympathy. “I can do the rest,” she held out a limp hand that probably couldn’t even grasp a pen right now.
“Come on, Sierra just tell me. It’s a date, that’s it. Then we can move on to the next question.”
With her eyes closed she let out a painful sounding groan. “October ninth.”
October…, “Ninth?” She nodded. “It’s the eighteenth of December!”
“Thanks for the update, Mr. Calendar.”
I sat and stared at her for a full minute as what she said sank in. “So, you’re saying you’re…pregnant?”
“Guess you are more than a handsome face,” she choked out, wearing half a smile. She stayed quiet as a nurse came and took her vitals “How about some mouthwash,” she asked the nurse quietly, smiling when she returned with a travel size bottle. When the doctor came in she was damn near comatose.
“Ms. Carmichael, you aren’t getting enough to drink.” With a frown, he went on to let her know that she was dehydrated. “We’re going to keep you overnight to pump some fluids into you, but you need to take care of yourself and the baby.”
“I promise to drink more water, but I can’t stay overnight. I have a bar to run.”
“I’ll take care of it, Sierra. You stay here and rest.” The doctor smiled and left as quickly as he’d entered.
“So, now you know.”
“Were you even going to tell me?”
“Eventually, when I got my head wrapped around it.” She didn’t even look apologetic, but that defiance quickly turned to irritation as she misread my silence. “I’m not asking you for anything Jack. If you want to be involved, you can. If you don’t want to, I won’t force the issue.”
I blinked, trying to focus on the woman before me who was acting like she didn’t know me. “You’re kidding, right? You actually think I’d abandon my child?”
She let out a long, cleansing breath and stared at me. “I don’t know Jack. I’m just telling you that you have options.”
Options. “I have options about whether or not I want to be involved with my child? I know you’re feeling sick right now, and you’re probably pissed off at me, but Sierra this changes everything.”
“Not for me.” She turned away, better to look at the ugly decorative curtain that hung between beds than to look at me. “I’ve loved you since I was a girl Jack, and if you don’t love me back, which you made clear you don’t, we have nothing to talk about.”
“Except the baby we’re having,” I reminded her angrily.
She turned over to face me. “There’s plenty of time to decide how involved you want to be. But you made it pretty clear how you feel about me, so this pregnancy doesn’t change anything.”
I stood and got in her face, a poor decision given where we were, but dammit the woman was infuriating. “You’re wrong Sierra, it changes every fucking thing! Now I’m going to take care of your bar, but this conversation isn’t over.”
“I’ll find my own way back tomorrow.”
“I’ll be here to pick you up when you’re discharged Sierra, and if you even think of running, so help me, I’ll make you regret it.” Then because I could, I captured her mouth in a searing kiss that would let her know that we weren’t through yet. We weren’t even close to being through. “See you tomorrow, babe.”
Sierra
So much for wanting to talk.
Jack picked me up from the hospital just as he promised, but threatened was a better word for it. His touch was kind as he helped me dress in fresh clothes he’d brought from the ranch, and handed me into the car like I was a delicate flower. That thought was enough to make me snort. No one would ever consider me a delicate anything, and no one but Jack would dare to treat me as such. I could admit to myself that it was nice to have someone taking care of me, even if it was because of the little life growing inside of me.
Jack was unusually quiet and I knew I should feel grateful, but all I felt was unsettled. “Thanks for the ride.”
“My pleasure.” He was grumpy and that made me smile because Jack Winchester let everything roll off his back.
“Right,” I snorted. “I know you have a million things to do at the ranch, and I appreciate the ride, but I can take care of myself.” I had been taking care of myself for a long damn time.
“Yeah Sierra, we all know you’re capable of handling everything on your own, but you never stop to think that you don’t have to.”
“Don’t act like you know me Jack. You haven’t known me for a really long time. I do have to handle everything because if I don’t, no one will.” Especially now that my best friend, my sister of the heart, had her own growing family to worry about. I couldn’t run to Sage for everything anymore. I had to do it myself.
“That’s where you’re wrong. I do know you. Every damn letter you sent told me more about you. As you matured and grew, you changed from a bright eyed little girl into, I don’t know, a beautiful but cynical woman.” He made a noise I couldn’t quite decipher, and laid a hand on my leg. “I know you better than you think.”
Well, damn. I sat in stunned silence as he pulled up behind the Double Barrel and hopped out, jogging around the front to help me. “Jack, I’m fine. I’m pregnant, not broken.” Well not physically broken, but my heart still felt pretty damn shattered.
He lifted me from the car and carried me up the stairs. Tears sprang to my eyes again. Why couldn’t Jack love me? Was there something wrong with me that made me unlovable? No man had ever treated me like this, and good lord, I craved this treatment. Then again, no man had ever shouted quite so clearly how much he didn’t love me. “Jack.”
&nbs
p; He kicked open the door and set me on my feet inside the empty apartment. “I know those beautiful legs of yours work just fine, but I like holding you Sierra.” Before I could say another word, he did it again, ambush kissed me. Slow and drugging with enough heat to set the whole building ablaze. The way he held my face, so gentle, the scrape of his beard against my skin. I absorbed it all, savoring every sweep of his tongue against mine, the feel of his hard chest pressed against mine. His broad, strong shoulders under my hands. All too soon he pulled back with a wistful smile. “There’s food in the fridge. If it’s not gone tomorrow, I’m going to force feed you.”
“Okay.”
He grinned. “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Good,” he said smugly and walked out.
He walked out. Just left after kissing the hell out of me.
“Bastard.”
I didn’t know what kind of game he was playing, but I refused to fall for it. That kiss was ill advised because I still loved him and I probably would for a good long time. But I had to let go of the hope that we would be anything more than friends and co-parents.
That depressing thought led me to the shower to rinse hospital gunk off me. Feeling better than I did when I woke up yesterday, I went for the promised food in the fridge. I smiled at the Dolly’s bag that greeted me and pulled it out greedily. Ready for some real food and not tasteless hospital crap. I had two options, eat standing up at the counter or eat in bed.
Bed won out. I crossed my legs and eagerly dug in to the box, frowning when my hand touched on a stack of paper that was too heavy to be napkins. It was a stack of letters. Two stacks, to be exact.
“Oh my god.” Letters. Years and years of letters addressed to Jack in my swirly handwriting.
I couldn’t believe he’d kept them. I mean, I know he read them because once in a while he would respond, but god, I had no idea he’d kept them. My inner teenager couldn’t resist opening them up and reading some of them. And cringing at some of the things I talked to him about. Nail polish, the harvest festival town and my first kiss.
Cowboy's Barmaid: A Small Town Military Romance (Lucky Flats Ranchers Book 2) Page 9
