Satisfaction

by K. M. Scott

  He tried to pull them away, but I held tight and said, “I don’t believe you would hurt Abbi for anything, Kane. I don’t know why you think you would.”

  “Because I’ve done it before. Didn’t Stefan tell you? I’ve killed two men with these hands. Two lives taken because I couldn’t control my demons. I was meant to hurt, and that’s all there is to me.”

  His hands fell away from my hold, and I couldn’t help feel like everything bad he thought about himself had always been tied up in those angry fists.

  “He told me. I know what you’ve done, and I still don’t think you’d hurt her like that.”

  “Nobody understands. I don’t think I’d use them on her or the baby. But what if in a moment of rage, when I can’t control my demons, I turn on someone who does something to hurt her or our child? She doesn’t deserve to believe in a life with me only to have it torn away because I have to go to prison again.”

  “Kane, you can’t spend your life worrying about something that might happen. Those two events aren’t all you are.”

  He looked up at me and shook his head. “You sound like Cash. I can’t change who I’ve always been. I should have known better than to start anything with Abbi. She deserved so much better.”

  “Why do you say you’ve always been like this? Twice is not your entire life.”

  Kane sat back against the couch and reached his hand out for the whisky bottle. Taking a drink from it, he cradled the base against his chest and said in whisper, “Every day of my life my mother told me I was meant to hurt. My entire life she knew what I was. No matter what, the one who gave birth to you knows who you are.”

  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Unless you’re claiming that came from being totally fucked up drunk, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What kind of mother tells her kid he’s meant to hurt? How could you be meant to hurt when you were just a little boy?”

  “She named me fucking Kane, for God’s sake, Shay. The woman told me the story of Cain and Abel every day to make sure I understood why she named me that. She thought I was meant to hurt.”

  “Well, then I’m sorry to say that’s even dumber than the first thing you said. So that’s what all this is about? Some self-fulfilling prophecy because you had the world’s worst mother?”

  “It’s not that fucking easy. Just fucking go away,” he spat out as he lifted the bottle to his lips again.

  “It is that fucking easy, Kane. Well, maybe it’s not, but it certainly does explain things a bit about what you’re doing with all this self-hatred. We can’t be responsible for what our parents put on us, no matter what fucked up shit it is. You didn’t deserve that, but I’m guessing it’s going to take a whole lot more than some almost drunk girl to convince you of that.”

  He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. “I wish it was that easy. If I’d never done anything to make what she said true, I might be able to blame it all on her. But I did. Those two men are dead by my hands. Someone like that needs to be alone so he doesn’t hurt anyone ever again.”

  “So instead of taking a chance at love with someone so terrific she still believes in you with all her heart and soul months after you abandoned her, you chose to sit in these shitty rooms and drink every day and night.”

  “And go to see her as she sleeps every night out at the Anna Maria Island house,” he said quietly.

  “You are the most tortured soul I’ve ever met. Jesus, you’ve got a whole Heathcliff thing going on, Kane.”

  “Who?”

  “Nobody. So what are you going to do? Stay here forever while Abbi and the baby live out there just a few miles away like that’s normal?”

  He took a drink of whisky and passed the bottle to me. “You make it sound so easy, Shay. It’s not. I’m fucked up and I shouldn’t be with anyone.”

  “Then why did you go with her in the first place?”

  “I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to. The first time I saw her I knew I’d never be without her again in some way, even if she was just in my thoughts. But then I saw her standing up on that stage at that shitty club with all those men leering at her and I couldn’t let that happen. She needed me and I needed her.”

  “So what’s changed? She obviously needs you still, even more now, actually.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And you don’t need her anymore? Is that it?”

  He shook his head and smiled. “I need her as much as I need air to keep me alive. I’m dying here without her, Shay.”

  “And yet you still cling to some crazy idea your mother had about you being someone meant to hurt. Sounds right.”

  “I’m so fucking tired of being that person, do you know that? I just want to be a normal guy who has a normal life. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But whatever demons I have inside me won’t let that happen. I know that.”

  I turned to face him. Folding my legs underneath me, I took his hands in mine and said, “You have all sorts of people who love you, Kane. Abbi loves you more than even you know. No woman I’ve ever heard of would wait for a man like she has with you. She believes in you, no matter how you feel about yourself. Alexandria loves you like a son, even if you don’t know it. And your brothers love you. You have love all around you. All you have to do is let it in.”

  He looked down at me holding his hands and asked, “And when I hurt her just like my mother always said I would?”

  “You’ve got to let that go, honey. Your mother messed you up, but you have a chance with your kid. You can change the whole thing just by accepting that who you are isn’t what you’ve done. You have a woman who loves you more than anything in the world, and you love her too. It’s time to let the past go. Let that hurt go, Kane.”

  “I wish it was that easy.”

  “It is. So now that I’ve solved all your problems, give me that bottle and let’s get going on solving mine,” I said with a smile, hoping some of what I’d said would stay with him. I didn’t expect to change his mind about things he’d been dealing with all his life, but maybe if just once he let himself think he could love without hurting, he could start to move on from what his mother had done to him.

  I took the bottle and chugged the whisky much too fast. Slamming it down on the coffee table in front of us, I chuckled. “We better hurry with this help before I pass out. I’m not much of a drinker anymore.”

  “I can’t tell you what to do like you can with me, but I will say that Stefan has never been a better person than when he’s been with you.”

  “Stefan isn’t like you, Kane. He’s fun and light, just what I love. Just what I need.”

  “Then what are you doing here drinking with me after fighting with him?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t seem to stop what’s happening between us. I love him, but maybe what you said to him about us being too different is right. But you were wrong when you told him I’d figure it out and leave him. I don’t want to do that. I just don’t know how to bridge our differences.”

  Kane leaned over to grab the Jack Daniels. “What the fuck do I know about how two people can be together? Why are either one of you listening to me?”

  “Because he’s the youngest and you and Cash are older brothers he looks up to.”

  “Tell him to listen to Cash. He seems to have the right idea. At least he and Olivia are happy.”

  “I can’t tell him anything, it seems! Every time we talk, all we end up doing is fighting.” I covered my face and began to cry, exhausted from how much I hated being away from Stefan and how bad things had gotten between us. “All I want is us to be happy. Is that so much to ask?”

  Kane pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around me as I continued to sob over the mess I’d made of my relationship. Quietly, he said, “It’s okay, science girl. You two will figure it out. In the morning, when you aren’t so drunk, you’ll go back to him and you guys can try again.”

  I buried my face
in his chest and shook my head. “And we’ll fight like we always do. It’s a horrible, vicious cycle, Kane. I don’t know how to fix it.”

  Smoothing my hair down my back, he tried to make me feel better. “Sometimes we just have to think we’ve lost everything before it becomes clear how much we love someone. I bet Stefan is over at his place a mess because you didn’t come back tonight.”

  How much I wished that was so! I wiped my eyes and looked up at Kane, finally able to tell the truth of why I came back early. “Do you know I left my position in Copenhagen because I was afraid he was with someone else?”

  Kane arched one dark eyebrow and narrowed his eyes in disbelief. “Really? Shay, for all of Stefan’s faults, I can promise you he hasn’t been with anyone since you left.”

  “I had all these horrible thoughts of him with someone like Lola again, and then the vision of him with her that night in his office—”

  Again, I couldn’t contain the tears as they began to roll down my cheeks, and I closed my eyes, embarrassed by my actions. Kane squeezed me in a hug that felt so good after all those months of being worried that Stefan was only pretending each night as we talked, and I melted into his hold.

  “He hasn’t been doing anything. He’s a changed man, Shay. He loves you, so it was all in your mind.”

  “What’s wrong with me? I find a guy I’m crazy about and then proceed to sabotage it every chance I get. I know you think Stefan is a fuck up, but he’s not, Kane. He’s a great guy who makes me happy and brings fun that I desperately need into my life.”

  Kane looked down at me and shook his head. “For as smart as you are, Shay, you’re sort of stupid when it comes to stuff like this. There’s your problem. It’s in you, not Stefan. Tell the truth. Has he changed at all since you two got together? I don’t mean being a player and that shit. I mean since you two fell for each other. Has he changed at all?”

  I took a deep breath and thought about his question, but I knew the answer. “No. He’s the same fun guy who makes me smile and gives me just what I need after a day of dealing with people just like me.”

  “So you changed?”

  Hanging my head, I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yeah. I became one of those people I swore I’d never be. Serious scientist who doesn’t know how to have fun or even have a relationship without fucking it up by being insecure or socially inept.”

  Kane didn’t say anything more. He didn’t have to. I had my answer. Things between Stefan and me weren’t right because of me. He’d signed on to spend time with a girl who loved to have fun, and what he got was this person who acted like his owning a fantasy club was some kind of crime or embarrassment.

  Exhausted from everything that had happened, I let myself drift off as Kane continued to drink himself into the stupor that helped him deal with what he’d done to his life. I got it now. I lashed out, but he turned inward and that’s how we avoided seeing what we were doing to the people around us.

  I could change, though, and in the morning I’d begin to show Stefan how much I loved him and how much I needed him. I just hoped Kane could find the strength to change for Abbi too.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kane

  A heavy banging on my door woke me from a drunken sleep, and I looked down to see Shay’s dark head resting on my chest. Unsure of what had happened for a moment, my mind struggled to remember our conversation while I decided if I should open the door for whoever thought hammering on it was a good idea, no matter what the time of day.

  Better to just have them come in and get it over with since it was probably Cash checking up on me again, so I yelled, “Come in!” and prayed to God the banging would stop.

  Shay looked up at me and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “What’s going on?”

  “I think Cash is here to make sure I haven’t slipped into the abyss. It’s morning, I think.”

  Slowly, she lifted herself off me and nodded, as confused as I was. “Okay. Mind if I use your bathroom to clean myself up? Nothing like a Jack Daniels’ hangover to make a woman look great.”

  Scrubbing the night from my face, I pointed toward the bathroom. “Go ahead.”

  The person at my front door pounded even harder now, so I barked, “Come the fuck in, but stop that banging!”

  The door swung open and there in front of me stood Stefan obviously flustered over something. Shay stopped dead in her tracks, and instantly I knew this was bad. I saw it in his eyes. The hurt. The betrayal. Everything he’d always feared about Shay and me come true right in front of his eyes.

  Stefan’s mouth hung open for a moment as the scene filtered through his brain, and I quickly stood to convince him that what he saw wasn’t what he thought he was seeing. “This isn’t what it looks like. Shay just came over to talk and we drank a little too much.”

  He looked at Shay and then back at me. “Yeah, whatever. That’s not why I’m here. My mother has been trying to call you all night. Abbi had some kind of problem and went into labor last night. She’s at Tampa General and my mother wanted me to tell you that you need to get there now.”

  “What? Abbi’s nowhere close to being full term,” Shay said as my mind switched into high gear at the news that Abbi was in the hospital.

  Stefan looked at her for a moment and said nothing, instead just repeating to me that I needed to go now. While I searched for a clean shirt, I left him and Shay alone to deal with their issues, but by the time I got back, Stefan had left and she was in tears. He’d seen what he’d most feared and there wasn’t much she could do about it until she caught up with him.

  I stammered, “I have to go. Just catch up to him and try to get him to talk.”

  Shaking her head, she waved me off. “Go. Abbi needs you. Get to that hospital and take care of her and that little baby of yours. I’ll be fine.”

  The only thing I could think of was Abbi hurt and lying in a hospital bed as our child fought for life. All the nonsense I’d filled my head with all these months disappeared, and for the first time in far too long, I knew what I had to do.

  *

  Alexandria waited outside of Abbi’s hospital room with a look of pure worry on her face. Reaching out for me, she took my hands as I walked up to her and her eyes filled with tears. “Kane, she had the baby and she’s okay. The baby’s only twenty-four weeks, so that’s not the best case scenario. But Abbi’s going to be so happy to see you.”

  “How bad is it?” I asked, my heart in my throat.

  “She’s very premature, honey. Very. She’s just a tiny little thing, so she needs a lot of help.”

  “The baby’s a girl?” I asked as the reality of fatherhood settled into my brain. I had a baby girl. Abbi and I had a baby girl.

  Alexandria wiped a tear from under her eye and smiled meekly. “Yes. Abbi named her Annalea Jackson, and she’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see.”

  “Where is she?”

  “She’s in the NICU, and she’ll be there for a long time. Twenty-four weeks is very early, Kane, so she has a long road ahead of her.”

  “Is she…” I stopped talking and tried to figure out how to ask what I needed to. “Is she okay?”

  “Preemies have a lot of difficulties, so she’s hooked up to all sorts of wires and tubes now. When you see her, it will be jarring at first, but I just want you to remember that’s your little girl in there when you go in. She needs you to fight for her now, Kane. She needs both her parents to fight for her.”

  My mind whirled with thoughts of my daughter hooked up to machines and barely clinging to life, but I had to see Abbi first. I had to make sure she knew I was there for her. I had to begin making up for all those months of being absent.

  “How’s Abbi?”

  Alexandria hung her head and sighed. “I think she’s holding up pretty well, all things considered. She started to bleed during the night, so I rushed her here. I tried to call a dozen times, but your phone just kept going directly to voicemail. She had Annalea right before dawn this mor
ning. Why don’t you go in and talk to her? I know it would make things so much better right now if she had you by her side.”

  “Okay. I’ve got a lot to make up for, so I better get going. Thanks for taking care of her all these months when I couldn’t get my head out of my ass. I don’t know what we would have done if you weren’t there for her, Alexandria. I’ll never forget that.”

  She opened her arms and hugged me tightly. “Oh, honey. It was my pleasure. I love her like she’s one of my own. I love you like you’re one of my own. All I want to see is you two happy, so get in there and start that happening so soon you two and that precious little girl can have the life you all deserve.”

  I looked down at this woman who I’d thought hated me for so long and couldn’t help but wish she’d been my mother for all those years when I needed someone like her in my life. Thanking her, I walked to the door and looked through the thin strip of glass to see Abbi sitting alone in her bed. I had no idea what I needed to say, but I knew now was the time for me to be there for her and Annalea.

  She turned to look at me as I opened the door, and tears began streaming down her cheeks as she sobbed, “Oh, Kane, you came! I don’t know what happened, but the baby got here early and I was all alone and now she’s in the NICU hooked up to all those wires. What if she doesn’t make it?”

  For the first time in months, I took her into my arms and held her to me, loving how she melded to my body like after all this time we still were one. She felt right there with me, and I couldn’t imagine anywhere else in the world I wanted to be for the rest of time.

  “It’s okay. She’ll be okay. She’s a fighter like her mother. We’ll take care of her, Abbi. No matter what, we’re all together in this.”

  “All together?” she asked as she looked up at me with watery blue eyes. “Does this mean you’ve come back to me?”