by Teresa Roman
After walking a few more blocks, we veered off the main road and down an alleyway. It was quieter, with less people around, which was probably why Jude picked that moment to stop walking, turn to me and ask, “Can you please just tell me what’s wrong?”
I frowned. “There’s nothing wrong.”
“Yes, there is. Ever since I gave you that necklace you’ve been acting strange.”
I sighed. “Jude, I don’t want to do this.”
“What’s this?”
“Have an argument with you,” I said. “Especially not on Valentine’s Day.”
“I don’t want to fight either. I just want an answer to my question.”
There was no avoiding what I knew was going to be an unpleasant conversation, no matter how much I wanted to. “Okay, fine.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I feel like you don’t listen to me.”
He furrowed his brows. “What are you talking about?”
“I told you I wanted to take things slow, and you said you respected that, but then the next thing I know you’re asking me to meet your family.”
“You’re my girlfriend. That’s what couples do, meet each other’s families.”
“Right, I know, but yours was practically asking when we’re going to pick out china patterns.”
“Are you talking about what my nieces said? Because if you are, that’s not fair. They’re ten, for God’s sake.”
“This isn’t just about your family,” I said, fingering the necklace he’d just given me. “It was really thoughtful of you to give me this, but it’s just . . . too much for where we are in our relationship right now.”
His jaw tensed. “If you aren’t interested in me, then why don’t you just come right out and say it instead of wasting my time with all of this “too fast” bullshit?”
I crossed my arms over my chest. Jude’s outburst had taken me by surprise and made me defensive. “So my feelings are bullshit now?”
“Oh, come on, Dawn. Just because I’m a cop and don’t have some fancy medical degree doesn’t mean I’m stupid. We’ve been dating for almost two months, and you have yet to tell anyone about me. I still have to act like you’re practically a stranger every time I come by the ER. Is it because you’re ashamed? You don’t think I’m good enough? Are you waiting for someone better to come along so you can kick me to the curb?”
I tried reigning in my temper, mostly because we were out in public, but I was seriously pissed. “For your information, I did tell someone about us. My friend Tracey. I also told her what a nice guy you are, but now I’m not so sure I should have.”
“So if I stop by the ER tomorrow with lunch and give you a kiss on the way out, you’d be fine with that?”
“Just because I like keeping my personal and professional life separate doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you.”
“You’re lying. And not just to me, but to yourself.”
“How dare you call me a liar?”
I wheeled around turning my back to Jude, ready to storm off, but he grabbed my hand before I could.
“Let go of me,” I seethed.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“You can’t walk all the way there, it’s too far. Let me drive you back.”
“There’s no way I’m getting in the car with you.”
He hesitated, but finally dropped my hand, probably because he didn’t want to make a scene in public.
“Dawn, c’mon. Let’s just talk about this.”
“There’s nothing left to say.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I took off, too angry to even bother looking over my shoulder.
Chapter 14
Forty minutes later, I arrived home on foot, still fuming. Though the walk had cooled my temper, it hadn’t taken my anger away entirely.
All afternoon, I replayed our stupid argument over and over in my head. As the hours passed, and my anger cooled a sense of guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. Jude had said some terrible things, but so had I. And I’d kind of started the fight. Why couldn’t I just have kept my big mouth shut? By nightfall, he hadn’t called. I told myself it was for the best. We both needed some space to think over the things we’d said to one another.
Still, I couldn’t get Jude off my mind. And since I didn’t have the courage to call him, I decided to call Tracey instead for some much-needed advice. I figured with it being Valentine’s Day, she was probably busy, but since she was the only person I’d told about Jude, my options were limited.
Tracey didn’t pick up her phone. Knowing her she was out enjoying herself, having fun, instead of ruining the day like I had. I thought about calling my sister, May, but what if Jude and I weren’t able to repair the rift between us? I didn’t want to confide in my sister about a guy only to have to tell her a few days later that it was over.
That was partly why I’d been so secretive and apprehensive about my relationship with Jude. Deep down I was afraid things wouldn’t work out. That he was too good to be true. And because of that, I hadn’t given him a fair shot.
I sat at the table and stared at the flowers Jude had given me feeling stupid for the way I’d screwed everything up. That night I had a hard time falling asleep. In the morning I had to drag myself out of bed, which was not a good way to start the first of three back-to-back twelve-hour shifts I was scheduled to work that week.
I barely made it to the hospital on time. Normally, I was a one-cup-of-coffee in the morning kind of woman, but by my lunch break, I was already on my third.
“What’s wrong with you?” Tracey asked, apparently noticing my glum mood. “You seem tired.”
“Jude and I got into an argument yesterday,” I said with a shrug, trying to make it sound as if it wasn’t a big deal.
“On Valentine’s Day? Why?”
I told her about his parents’ anniversary party first. Then I told her about the necklace and the way I’d acted after Jude had given it to me, and the not-so-kind words we’d exchanged in the middle of Old Town.
“Why are you so freaked about getting close to Jude? From everything you’ve told me he seems like a really nice guy, he’s got a good job, his family is nice to you, and he’s a total hottie. What more could you ask for?”
“I don’t see what’s so wrong with wanting to take things slow,” I said, trying to defend myself.
“You know what I think?”
“What?” I asked, not really sure I wanted to know.
“For whatever reason, you’re afraid of becoming emotionally invested in anyone. Which, after what Nick put you through, I totally get. It’s why you were hung up on Eric for so long, because deep down you never actually believed the two of you would get together. And I bet that even after you did, a part of you knew he wasn’t relationship material, which made him safe.”
I shook my head. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I threw my half-empty coffee cup in the trash and walked out of the break room.
I avoided Tracey for the rest of the day, unhappy with her for what she’d said, but at the same time knowing she was at least partly right. I felt guilty for being angry when she was only trying to help. In the space of only a few days, I’d managed to get into it with both my boyfriend and my best friend. Apparently, I was on a roll.
I spent the next few days stewing over what Tracey had said and feeling miserable that Jude hadn’t called. Although I’d apologized to Tracey and smoothed things over with her, a week passed without a word from Jude. I took that to mean it was over between us. I went back and forth between feelings of disappointment and resignation. As the days passed, I missed him more and more. Yet somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to call him. Too much time had gone by. Clearly that meant he wasn’t interested in hearing from me. What would I even say at this point?
Thankfully, cold and flu season made the ER busier than normal, which kept my mind off Jude while I was at work, at least most of the time. Until one afternoon when Jude’s partner, Offi
cer Gunn, came into the ER with a patient on a 5150 hold. I expected that any moment, Jude would follow him inside. My stomach clenched at the thought of seeing him again. Would he say anything to me, or not even bother with a greeting?
I waited and waited for Jude to join his partner, but he never appeared. I kept glancing at Officer Gunn out of the corner of my eye. When it looked like he was about done giving his report to one of the nurses, I made my way over to him, trying not to be too obvious.
“How come you’re alone today? Where’s your partner?”
“He’s waiting for me outside in the patrol car,” he said. “I can tell him you said hello if you like.”
“Um, no, that’s okay. I was just curious, that’s all.”
“Listen, I’m not trying to get in your business, so all I’m going to say is this—Jude Morales is one of the nicest guys I know. It’d be a real shame to let him slip away.”
My face heated. So he knew that Jude and I were dating. I wondered what else Jude had told him.
As Officer Gunn walked away, regret overwhelmed me. Tracey was right, and so was Jude’s partner. I’d screwed up. Big time. I’d hurt Jude so badly that he couldn’t even stand to look at my face. The thought made me sick to my stomach. What was wrong with me?
All that night and for the next two days, I wracked my brain, trying to decide what to do. A few times, I picked up my phone and stared at it, trying to work up the courage to call Jude. But what would I say? And would he even want to talk to me?
Neither a swim nor a long workout helped to get Jude off my mind. A part of me had been convinced that one day Jude would stroll into the ER, and the two of us would start talking and pick right back up where we’d left off without having to rehash everything. I could see now that wasn’t going to happen, and the thought devastated me. My stupid fear had ruined things between Jude and me, and it was too late to do anything about it.
Chapter 15
After a few days off from work I couldn’t wait to go back. Work was the only thing that distracted me from thinking about Jude. The day started like any other. I woke up before the sun was even out, threw on my scrubs, combed my hair, ate a quick breakfast and dabbed on some lip gloss before rushing out of my apartment.
It was overcast that morning, which only made my glum mood worse. But I managed to cheer up after arriving to work. Maybe it was the box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that Dr. Singh had brought in. I could easily eat three of those in one sitting, especially the chocolate iced ones. Or maybe it was because Eric wasn’t there. Every time I saw him I couldn’t help but wonder why I hadn’t realized what an arrogant little ass he was before I’d gotten into bed with him. And I also wondered if things between me and Jude would be different now if Eric and I had never gotten together.
The first two hours of my morning brought the usual. Two patients with chest pain, a teenager with an asthma exacerbation and a little girl who broke her arm after falling off the monkey bars at school. We had no ER tech that early in the morning so I put the girl’s splint on myself. When I finished, I headed down the hallway in search of Lisa, the physician assistant who was caring for the girl, so I could tell her I was done. I was almost all the way down the hall when I heard someone banging loudly on the ambulance entrance doors.
Those doors were meant for the paramedics and police only, and they knew the code to get in. Annoyed, I hit the button that opened the doors ready to give whoever was behind them a piece of my mind. The main ER entrance was only a few feet away and clearly marked. But as the doors slid open I realized why the person behind them had been banging. A panicked man with a small, totally unresponsive child in his arms rushed in. Tears streaked his face. “Help me,” he cried out as he ran toward me.
I quickly turned my head and called out, “Someone get a gurney now.”
Things happened so quickly after that. Dr. Singh, who must’ve heard me yell, ran out of the office just as one of the nurses came out of a room with a gurney. The sobbing man placed his child down on it.
“What happened to him?” Dr. Singh asked.
“I . . . I was backing out of my driveway.” He didn’t need to finish the story. I knew right away what had happened. My heart sank as he kept talking. “I didn’t see him. I was running late for work. I thought he was in the house. With his mom. Oh God.” He was crying so much it was hard to get every word. “And then I felt myself hit something. So I ran out of the car, and there he was . . . just lying there.”
Dr. Singh had his fingers pressed against the little boy’s neck, his face grim as he searched for a pulse. “Start CPR and let’s go,” he said, turning his back on the boy’s father and addressing the nurses gathered around the child.
Someone started chest compressions as we wheeled the patient into the trauma room. Our hospital was not a trauma center. We didn’t see a lot of patients as bad off as this little kid, but his father didn’t know that and had probably brought his child here because this hospital was the closest one, which meant it fell on us to stabilize his son so he could be transported to the nearest trauma center.
Despite my shaky hands, I managed to get an IV started. But it didn’t matter in the end. Both CPR and medications to kick-start the little boy’s heart, whose name I found out later was William Jr., weren’t enough to save his life. He’d probably had no pulse when his father carried him inside the hospital, and nothing we did could bring him back.
I was certain the entire ER heard little William’s father’s cry out after Dr. Singh delivered the bad news. It broke my heart. As an ER nurse I was used to death, I’d seen it lots of times, but it wasn’t something anyone ever really got used to. Especially not when that person was so young, and not when it was the result of such a tragic accident.
Not long after Dr. Singh had called the time of death, a distraught woman ran into the ER. Pushing a stroller, she rushed up to the nurses’ station.
“My husband brought our son in here a little while ago. His name’s William.”
Oh, my God. I bit back the tears I felt welling in my eyes. She was William’s mother, and the baby in the stroller, his sister.
“Um, yes.” Maria stood up, her expression somber. “One moment please, let me go and get the doctor caring for him.”
“Is he all right?” William’s mother asked.
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Maria said. “But it would be better for Dr. Singh to explain the situation.”
The woman’s face paled. She knew. Maria took off down the hallway in search of Dr. Singh. The two of them returned a few moments later. Dr. Singh put his hand on the woman’s arm and led her down the hallway and into an unoccupied room. Seconds later, her agonized cry pierced the quiet.
“No! No!” she wailed, her voice carrying down the corridors of the ER. “Not my little boy.”
Again I bit my lip to keep from crying. I still had other patients to care for, and it wouldn’t do to show up at their bedside with tears streaming down my face.
It was impossible to concentrate. Sorrow clung to every inch of the ER, heavy and thick, choking everyone it reached. Patients kept asking what was going on, and even though we couldn’t tell them because of privacy laws, it was obvious that they somehow knew a patient had died.
I kept wondering how William’s parents, William Sr. and Megan, were ever going to recover. Losing a child was a hell I hoped I’d never have to go through, but losing one the way they had had to be torture. Megan would no doubt blame herself for not realizing her son had ran out of the house, and William would blame himself for not paying closer attention, and in the end they’d both probably blame each other. My heart broke for them.
In a daze, I walked into one of my patient’s rooms to bring her some medication the doctor caring for her had ordered. On my way out, I saw two police officers heading down the hallway. Even from behind, I realized right away that it was Jude and his partner. I wondered what they were doing here and crossed the hall to the nurses’ station to ask.
�
�Why are the police here?”
“It’s protocol,” Maria replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “Even though it was an accident what happened to the boy, the police still have to ask questions.”
“Why does it have to be right now? Those parents are grieving, the last thing they need is to be interrogated.”
“I know, right?” Maria said, clearly in agreement with me. “But at least Officer Morales is a nice guy. I’m sure he’ll be respectful.”
Her words made my heart hurt even more than it already did. They made me realize once more what an idiot I’d been for chasing Jude away. As he and his partner entered the room that Dr. Singh and one of the hospital’s social workers had designated as a grieving room, I was grateful that it was Jude doing the questioning and not some hot-headed cop.
A few minutes later, Jude reemerged from the room and headed down the hallway straight toward me. I froze, trying to decide if I should slink away. Before I could, his eyes locked on me, and then it was too late. He’d seen me, and if I walked away, he’d think it was because I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Hey,” he said, his voice soft as he approached me. “Is there a place I can get water? The little boy’s mother is asking for some.”
“Sure,” I said, then walked over to the cooler behind the nurses’ station to fill a cup with water.
“Thanks,” he said as I handed it to him.
“Do you need to ask me any questions about what happened?”
Jude shook his head. “I doubt it. From everything I’ve heard it seems like a pretty clear-cut case to me.”
“The little boy’s mom,” I said, my voice catching in my throat. “Her name’s Megan.”
He only nodded before heading back down the hall with the water. After another ten minutes, Jude and his partner came back over to the nurses’ station.
“We’re all done here,” Officer Gunn said.
I supposed there was only so much you could ask in these types of situations. It looked like tears were gathering in Jude’s eyes. As he struggled to keep them back, I fought the temptation to reach for his hand. I looked up at him trying to think of something to say, but I just couldn’t. As he walked out of the ER, I wanted so desperately to run after him and ask him to hold me. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for being so stupid, but fear glued me to the spot I stood in.
