by Teresa Roman
The rest of the day crawled by. William’s family members came and went, their shocked expressions and tear-streaked faces heartbreaking. A heavy silence descended on the ER, not lifting even after Williams’s body was finally transported to the morgue.
By the time my shift was over, I felt like I was on the verge of falling apart. Between little William’s death, the cries of his devastated family that still seemed to echo in my head even after I’d clocked out, and seeing Jude again for the first time in almost two weeks, I couldn’t hold myself together a moment longer. I headed outside only to be caught off-guard by heavy rain. Instead of scurrying to my car to avoid getting wet, I just stood there staring at the doors to the ambulance entrance. The same ones William’s father had rushed through earlier that day. I knew better than to think the water would wash away the sadness that clung to me, but I couldn’t make myself turn back around. The cold rain quickly soaked through my thin scrubs, chilling me down to my bones. Each drop felt like ice, making me shiver. When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I wrapped my arms around myself and slowly made my way to the parking garage.
Chapter 16
Even with the heat in my car turned all the way up and the seat warmer on, I was still freezing. By the time I got home, my teeth were practically chattering. After parking, I got out of my car, ready to rush inside so I could take a hot shower and then crawl under my covers to hopefully get some sleep since I had to work the next day. I clicked the lock button on my car key and turned toward my apartment. That’s when I noticed someone was standing in front of my door. I tensed. Pasadena was generally safe, but that didn’t mean break-ins were unheard of.
I was trying to decide whether or not to reach into my purse for my phone and call the police when the man turned around. In the dark and from behind I couldn’t tell who it was, but when he turned in my direction, I instantly recognized Jude even from a distance. Hesitantly, I walked toward him, stopping a few feet in front of him. He must’ve headed straight for my place after getting off of work because he was still wearing his uniform.
“You’re soaking wet,” he said.
“So are you,” I replied slowly, still not really believing my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“After what happened today I . . . thought you might need a friend.”
Friend? It felt like someone had just struck me in the chest. Like a pre-cordial thump, a blow to the sternum given to cardiac arrest patients in an effort to restart their heart. I had no words, no idea what to say, so I just stood there.
“Maybe it was a mistake coming here,” Jude finally said. He took a step forward as if to leave.
“Don’t go,” I said. He looked up at me, confusion clouding his face. “Please.”
“We should go inside. It’s cold, and you’re soaking wet. You’re going to get sick.”
“People don’t get sick by being cold or wet,” I replied. “They get sick from germs.”
My words and the tone of voice I used to deliver them were clinical, logical. I was trying to maintain control over my emotions, like I had all day. Breaking down in front of grieving parents and sick patients was out of the question. But I felt myself slowly losing the fragile grip I held on my emotions. All day I’d wanted to cry, but I’d stopped myself, and now with Jude standing in front of me, I was losing the battle to keep my tears at bay.
“Dawn.” Jude wrapped his hand around one of my wrists. I looked down. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head but didn’t answer.
He let go of my wrist and put his arms around me. “Today was hard,” Jude said. “I see a lot of ugliness and a lot of sadness in my job. I know you do, too, but—”
“But it’s different when it’s a child. No one is supposed to die that young, and not like that.” As soon as the words left my mouth, tears started rolling down my face. With my face pressed into Jude’s chest, he couldn’t see me crying, but I knew he could hear it in my voice.
“What can I do?”
I lifted my head, looked into his troubled eyes, and then, without thinking, said, “Kiss me.”
For a moment I wasn’t sure he would. Not after our stupid fight and my bullheaded refusal to pick up the phone and apologize. Only moments ago, he’d referred to himself as a friend. Maybe that’s all he wanted us to be. But then he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. One hand came around the back of my head, the other pulled me closer to him. My heart raced as his lips pressed harder against mine. His tongue slid into my mouth and I reached up to circle my arms around his shoulders.
The passion in his kiss and the way his body pressed against mine chased away the cold that had felt like it settled inside my bones, but it was still raining, and though the heat in my car had helped to dry my scrubs a little, they were soaked again from standing out in the rain talking to Jude.
I pulled away from him and stuck my hand inside my purse, searching for my keys. “Let’s go inside.”
Jude followed me without saying a word. After I closed the door behind him and flicked the light switch on, I turned around, reached for him, and kissed him again. He ran his hands through my dripping wet hair, moaning gently as he pressed me against the door, pinning me between it and his body.
“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you, Dawn.”
He lowered his lips, kissing the sensitive skin on my neck. My breathing quickened. “I missed you, too. Badly. I was so stupid. I shouldn’t have—”
Jude pressed his finger over my lips. “Shhh, let’s not talk about that right now.”
He was right. Talking could come later, right at that moment the only thing I wanted was him. I needed this connection. And not just because it had been one of the most heartbreaking days I’d had in a while, but because not seeing him or talking to him for the past few weeks made me realize that I did have feelings for him, feelings that were stronger than I’d cared to admit. Feelings I desperately wanted to show him because I sucked at finding the right words.
My night with Eric flashed through my mind, but I pushed those thoughts away. Jude was not Eric, of that I had no doubt. I dropped my purse on the floor and then pressed my hands flat against Jude’s chest. He’d gone back to leaving a trail of kisses down my neck. Slowly, I unbuttoned his shirt. I wasn’t sure what to take off next. He had so much gear on. A Kevlar vest, and a belt with all his police stuff. I reached for that first.
His breath hitched. “Are you sure about this?”
I nodded. “Unless you don’t want to.”
He smiled a delicious, naughty smile. “Oh, I want to. You have no idea how bad.”
The words were barely out of his mouth before he kissed me again. I managed to get his belt off. He took off the vest and then reached for my scrub top, pulling it over my head.
I took Jude’s hand and led him to the bedroom. We started kissing again and then tumbled down onto my bed together. I untied the drawstring on my scrub pants. Jude lowered his head leaving a trail of kisses down my neck, then my shoulder. Slowly his lips moved to my chest and abdomen before pulling down my pants. He lowered them, slowly kissing every inch of newly exposed flesh. Even with my panties still on, his tongue felt hot as he kissed me between my legs. I felt dizzy from the sensory overload.
Once my pants were off, Jude retraced his steps, kissing me again on my calves, and thighs and then between my legs. I arched my back trying to get closer, trying to show him I was ready.
His hands reached up to cup my breasts and I moaned as his fingers brushed over my hardened nipples. I unhooked my bra and tossed it on the floor. Jude stared down at me.
“Oh my God, you’re perfect,” he said.
The compliment was as much of a turn-on as the husky voice he gave it in and the look in his eyes. He pressed his lips on mine again as his hands caressed my breasts, his grip gentle at first before becoming more firm, more needy.
“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone or anything as badly as I want you,” he whispered into my ear.<
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I fumbled with the button to his pants, practically tearing them and his underwear off. He grinned at me, enjoying how obviously eager I was to feel him inside me.
“Haven’t you already figured out by now that I like taking my time?” Jude said, then, with a devilish smile, he grabbed the edge of my panties and pulled them down. When they were finally off, he reached between my legs. I moaned as every cell in my body came alive at his touch.
“I want to kiss you down there,” he whispered. The heat from his tongue sent shivers through my entire body. I twined my hands through his hair and arched my back again, moaning and panting as he made me feel things I couldn’t remember feeling before. My whole body shook as I climaxed.
I let out a deep sigh, and Jude lifted his head. “Are you ready for me?”
As good as it felt to have him touching me, tasting me, I wanted him inside me more. I wanted my body and his to be one, no beginning, no end. The look in his eyes made my insides quake. I’d never seen so much longing, so much desire, in a man’s eyes before.
I breathed, “Yes.”
Quickly, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a condom. Once it was on, he grasped my hands, lacing his fingers through mine. I wrapped my legs around him as he entered me. With each thrust, I moaned. He moved slowly and gently at first, before picking up speed. I eased my hands free from his and wrapped my arms around him. When he looked down at me and into my eyes, it was as if he was staring into my soul. I’d never felt so naked, so bare, in my entire life. For a fleeting moment, I was scared again, like I had been at his family’s house and on Valentine’s, but then I realized we were most likely feeling the same things, and he would no more hurt me than I would him.
I arched my back as I climaxed again, moaning louder, and gently biting his shoulder. A moment later, I felt his whole body tense and then shake. His eyes fluttered shut, then open, and he let out a deep breath.
We lay beside each other after, holding hands, touching, but not really talking. That would come later, for now we both seemed to want the same thing—to enjoy just being around each other without overthinking.
After a while, we got out of bed and took a hot shower together. Then I called for a pizza delivery, though it turned out I couldn’t eat more than a slice. We lay back down in bed after. It had been such a long day that I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open.
“If you’re tired, then just sleep,” Jude said. “You don’t have to try and stay up for me.”
“You won’t leave, though, right?” Something in me desperately wanted to wake up with him still beside me.
He kissed the side of my head. “As long as you want me here, then this is where I’ll be.”
I lay down and closed my eyes as Jude stroked my hair. I was on the verge of falling asleep when I heard him whisper, “I love you, Dawn.”
Chapter 17
My heart skipped a beat, then it started racing. I’d been on the brink of sleep, but I knew what I’d heard, which meant falling asleep at that moment was out of the question. Still, I kept my eyes closed, pretending. I did not want Jude to know that I’d heard him. Partly because I wasn’t sure he’d intended me to, and partly because I didn’t know if he expected me to say those words back. I wasn’t sure if I loved him, I wasn’t sure about anything actually, except that when I saw him standing by my door the weight of missing him had hit me like a ton of bricks, making me realize how much I needed him. He’d made me feel better tonight. The raw feeling I’d left work with was gone.
I wasn’t going to figure out my feelings at that moment, and reminded myself that if I didn’t get sleep, I’d be a zombie at work the next day, so I forced Jude’s words out of my mind and eventually drifted off.
In the morning, I snuck out of bed, careful not to wake Jude since he had the day off. I took a quick shower and threw on some scrubs. Just as I was about to make my way from the bedroom to the kitchen, Jude opened his eyes and turned on his side.
“Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Maybe I wanted you to.”
“I’ll remember that for the next time.” I inched closer to the bed.
Jude arched an eyebrow. “So there’s going to be a next time?”
I frowned. “Why wouldn’t there be?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t exactly do much talking last night. I’m not really sure where things stand.”
I sighed. He was right. We needed to talk, no matter how uncomfortable discussing feelings made me. “Can you come back later? You know what time I get off of work.”
“I’ve got a better idea,” Jude said, smiling. “How about you come over to my place instead? I’ll have dinner ready so you don’t have to worry about cooking after being on your feet for twelve hours.”
His offer was so sweet I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe I did love him. Or if I didn’t, I definitely should. He was about as close to perfect as any man I’d ever dated. Perhaps that’s why I was so scared. Nobody was perfect and one way or another, I feared the real Jude would find its way out, and I worried that he would let me down.
“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll be there at around eight.”
Jude sat up and scooted toward the edge of the bed. I leaned down to kiss him.
“I’ll miss you,” he said.
I smiled and walked out of my bedroom toward the kitchen. I’d miss him, too. I just didn’t have the guts to tell him that.
I brewed some coffee, enough for me and an extra cup for Jude in case he wanted one, and grabbed a breakfast bar before heading for work.
News of little William’s death still swirled around the ER. The staff who’d been working with me the day before shared the news with those who’d been off. It was one of those stories that wasn’t easily forgotten. On busy days, when patients were left in the waiting room for hours because we didn’t have enough staff or beds to see them faster, we often got accused by angry patients and their families of not caring, but we did, all of us. That was, after all, why we’d chosen this profession.
Thankfully, the day passed with relatively little drama. With it being almost March, cold and flu season was winding down, so the ER wasn’t even that busy. Which worked out well since I hadn’t got enough sleep the night before, and my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Jude, making it hard for me to focus on work.
By the time I clocked out for the day, I was a mess of jittery nerves, scared about sharing my feelings with Jude. But like Tracey had said, I needed to give Jude a real chance, even if that meant opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again.
Since the hospital was a giant petri dish of germs, I preferred not wearing my scrubs any longer than I had to, so I texted Jude to tell him I was going to go home to shower and change before coming over.
At twenty minutes after eight, I rang the doorbell to Jude’s apartment. It was the first time I’d been to his place. His complex looked similar to mine, same stucco exterior, same decorative palm trees, but it was much bigger with at least twice as many units as there were in mine.
Jude opened the door, greeting me with a smile—the one that brought out his dimples and the sparkle in his eyes
“It smells good in here,” I said as I stepped inside.
“I hope you’re hungry.”
“I’m starving, actually.”
The small table in the dining area was already set with plates and silverware and the dinner Jude had cooked, which looked like chicken fajitas to me.
His apartment was sparsely decorated. A few family pictures and a certificate of completion from the police academy were the only things that hung on his walls.
“Do you want a beer or some wine?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Water is perfect.” It was better not to cloud my head with alcohol before we talked.
I sat down at the table across from Jude, wondering which one of us was going to get this conversation starte
d first. My hands were almost shaking as I piled chicken and sautéed bell peppers on my plate. I was the one who’d messed up, I thought to myself, so I was the one who should start by apologizing.
But before I could say what was on my mind, Jude began. “What are we to each other, Dawn?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Before I took you to my parents’ anniversary party, I thought we were on the same page, that you wanted to be my girlfriend.”
“And you think differently now, even after last night?”
“I don’t want to assume anything.”
“I was being stupid. I should have never said what I did to you on Valentine’s Day. I wanted to apologize to you sooner, but I couldn’t think of the right words, and then so much time passed and you never called, and I figured it was too late and that I’d screwed things up too badly.”
“The only reason I didn’t call was because I didn’t want you to think I was pressuring you to be with me when I’m not who you want.”
“But you are,” I said. “I just . . . I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you—”
“Hear me out,” I said. I was on a roll and afraid that if I stopped talking, I’d clam up again. For both of our sakes I didn’t want to do that. “You remember when I told you about my last few relationships being a disaster?” Jude nodded and I continued. “I guess I should have been more specific.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready to.”
“But I am ready,” I said. No matter how hard it was to open up I knew I had to. I looked away, not able to meet Jude’s gaze as I bared myself to him. “My last serious relationship was with this guy named Nick, and it was . . . not good. After only a few weeks of knowing each other, he’d already moved in. It was his idea, and I went along with it, because I thought I was in love. But Nick didn’t treat me right.”
