John's Quest (Truly Yours Digital Editions)

by Cecelia Dowdy

  John stood and shook hands with the pastor. “All right, I’ll be sure to snatch him for a few minutes at the retreat.”

  During the next couple of weeks, John continued to struggle with his decision to join the ministry, but he looked forward to talking to Brian Smith at the men’s retreat. He wanted to join this ministry to make up for lost time. However, he didn’t want to sacrifice a possible future with Monica to fulfill his ministerial needs. He knew if he did take a year off to go away, he would be thinking about her constantly, wondering if another man would make a move on her, romancing her until she fell in love again.

  He continued to stroll around campus and pray about the situation, still not sure of what he was going to do. He wanted God to show him a sign, telling him if he should stay in Ocean City with Monica or travel for a year preaching to others.

  Finally, on the day they were scheduled to help Gina move, John awakened, the chant of birds beckoning the new day. He looked forward to seeing Monica that day and visiting her parents. He had to wonder what she had told them about their brief breakup and recommitment. He wondered if she’d told them about his desire to go into the ministry.

  An hour later, he picked up the moving van from the lot and signed the paperwork. The van was due back the following day. He then drove to Monica’s house, eager to get a start on this day.

  As he rapped on her door, he recalled the time they’d spent together the last couple of weeks. Amid his choir practice and socializing with his Christian brothers, he’d made sure he found time to spend with her on weekends. They’d spent one Saturday night at the movies, taking Scotty with them. Although the boy could not see the screen, he still enjoyed the songs and the voices in the newest Walt Disney flick.

  He’d also continued to tutor Scotty twice a week. He knew Monica still had doubts about Gina’s moving in with her, and he wanted her to know he was there to support her in her decision.

  He heard footsteps pounding on the floor. Scotty opened the door. “Mr. John, is that you?

  “Yes, Scotty, it’s me.”

  “Aunt Monica is in the kitchen.”

  He ran his fingers over the boy’s head as he followed him into the kitchen. She looked adorable in her baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirt. He kissed her cheek as she flipped pancakes on the griddle. “Breakfast will be ready in a minute. Scotty is anxious to see his mother.”

  After they’d said grace and enjoyed their pancakes, they were on their way to her parents’ house. The ride was quiet and uneventful. They turned the radio on to a Christian talk station while Scotty listened to his earphones during the drive.

  When they were almost at her parents’ house, John thought about the van’s seating capacity. “Hey, do you think all of us can fit into the front seat of this van on the way back?”

  Her warm brown eyes glowed. “Oh, that’s right, I haven’t told you yet.”

  “Told me what?” He took an exit off the main highway.

  “About what my parents did. They purchased a used car for Gina.”

  “Really?” He wondered if Gina really deserved a car but decided to keep his thoughts to himself.

  “She’s going to follow us back in her car. Scotty will ride with her.” He was pleased to hear this. He wanted some time alone with Monica on the drive back. “I wish they’d waited. . . . At least until she found a job.”

  He patted her arm. “Don’t worry. Everything is in God’s hands.”

  “I know everything is in God’s hands, but I can’t help but worry about my sister. I wonder how her presence will affect Scotty.”

  He tried to be optimistic about the situation. “You say she’s been going to church and reading her Bible. That’s a good start.”

  She nodded. “Yes, it is.” Then she smiled. “I’m glad you decided to come with me.”

  He returned her smile. “I’m glad I came, too. I had to miss some church activities today to do this, but I don’t mind. I know how hard this is for you, letting your sister move in with you so suddenly, but I just want you to know that I’ll be there for you if you need me.”

  Minutes later, they pulled into her parents’ town house complex. After John opened their doors, Scotty scooted out of the cab of the truck. “Be careful, Scotty,” she warned.

  “I want to see my mom.” She led him to the front door.

  Gina answered, her long locks covered with a multicolored scarf. As soon as she saw Scotty, she pulled him into her arms. “Hi, baby.”

  She kissed his cheek before she released him, leading him into the house. John and Monica followed close behind. John watched Gina as she placed some items into a box. He wondered if she really had made a positive change in her life.

  Monica’s mother hugged him, beckoning everybody into the living room. “Gina doesn’t have a whole lot of stuff to move, besides the furniture. I figured we could sit around and visit for a few hours.”

  John joined the older couple in the living room while Scotty talked with his mother in the corner, telling her about his school and about the advances he’d made during his tutoring sessions. After their conversation ended, Gina approached Monica and asked if she could speak with her privately. Monica trudged up the stairs, following Gina.

  As Mr. Crawford tried to engage him in a discussion about the latest basketball games on TV, John could barely listen. He wondered what in the world Gina was saying to Monica upstairs in the bedroom.

  ❧

  Monica followed her sister upstairs, wondering if Gina was going to be the bearer of bad news. She tried to calm her racing heart as they entered Gina’s bedroom. Boxes were stacked in the corner, and the bed had been stripped. The hardwood floor gleamed under the bright sunlight streaming from the window.

  Monica closed her eyes, asking the Lord to guide her and accept whatever her sister had called her into this room to say.

  “You’re praying, aren’t you?” asked Gina.

  Monica nodded. “Yes, I am. You know that prayer has always been an important part of my life. I’ve been praying for you for years.”

  Gina plopped on the bed, and Monica sat beside her.

  Monica gazed at her sister before she spoke. “Look, I wanted to apologize.”

  Gina’s head jerked back so hard, her multicolored scarf fell off. Her dark eyes widened as she picked up the scarf. “You want to apologize to me? That’s a switch. Why?”

  “For yelling at you when you called me a couple of weeks ago,” Monica explained. “I love Scotty so much, and I wanted to protect him from your old lifestyle. Do you realize how much your son means to me?”

  “I think I have an idea how much he means to you. I know he loves you, and I’m glad you were able to help me out.”

  Monica took a deep breath and continued. “When I yelled at you, I didn’t act like a Christian. I took my anger out on you before you had a chance to speak. If I’d been patient and listened to you from the beginning, I would have known that you weren’t proposing to take Scotty away from me.” She squeezed her hands together, still gathering her thoughts. “I know you’ve been reading your Bible and going to church, and I just didn’t want my actions to color your perceptions about the way a Christian should act.” She thoughtfully considered her next words. “I also wanted to apologize about the way I’ve been acting since you’ve left Scotty in my care.”

  Gina furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

  “I kind of feel like I’ve been wrongly judging you. I’ve been upset with you for not acting in a Christian manner when maybe you just didn’t have it in you to give your son the attention he needed.” Monica shrugged. “It’s kind of hard for me to explain, but when you dropped Scotty off, I agreed to keep him, and maybe that’s what the Lord felt was best for Scotty at the time. It was wrong for me to hold all of this animosity toward you when you went with Randy to
the circus.” Monica realized it was wrong of her to expect Gina to live as a Christian when she’d never openly professed to accepting Christ as her Savior.

  Gina poked out her full lips, gazing at her sister. “Look, I don’t blame you for getting mad, but I do want to ask you to do something.”

  “What?”

  “Be patient with me. I know you’ve pretty much broken Scotty of the habit of cussing over the last few months and he’s doing better in school, but I’ve still got a long way to go.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I want you to be patient with me if a cuss word slips from my mouth once in a while. I’m not cussing nearly as much as I used to; I’ve gotten a lot better.”

  “Well, try to be more careful when you’re around Scotty. It’s taken some hard work to get him into more positive habits, and I’d hate to see all that work gone to waste.”

  Gina nodded as she tightened the scarf around her head. “I promise. Also, I am seriously looking to God for answers to a lot of things, and I’ve been going to church lately. I know I’ve been sneaky and untruthful sometimes—”

  “Sometimes?”

  She shook her head. “Okay, most of the time, but I want you to know that these changes I’m making in my life this time are for real. I really want to become a better person for myself and for Scotty.”

  Monica hoped Gina’s words were truthful. If Gina made these changes in her life and believed in the Lord, her burdens would be lighter due to her faith in Him.

  Unexpectedly, Gina pulled her sister into her arms. Monica was shocked by the sudden embrace, but returned the hug, trying to recall the last time she’d been hugged by her sibling.

  After Monica ended their embrace, she asked Gina what had happened to Randy. Gina blew air through her full lips. “Girl, he never even married me like he promised. I hooked up with a few other people in the circus, and you saw the black eye I had on Thanksgiving.” Monica nodded, and Gina continued to explain. “My latest boyfriend was abusive, and he gave me that black eye.”

  She laid her hand on her sister’s shoulder. “You need to trust God to help you in your personal relationships, Gina.”

  Gina nodded, silently agreeing with her sister.

  Minutes later, they returned to the living room. John stood, his dark eyes full of concern. She walked toward him, and he squeezed her hand. “Is everything okay?” he whispered.

  She nodded. “Don’t worry,” she whispered back.

  Mrs. Crawford stood, calling everybody into the kitchen. “I made pot roast and potatoes for lunch, and we’ve got some sodas to drink. Ya’ll come in here and eat before you start loading up the van.”

  They sat at the laden table and joined hands. Mr. Crawford said a prayer of thanksgiving and asked God to watch over his family as they made the trek back down to Ocean City.

  Thirteen

  As Monica got into the seat beside John, he revved the truck’s engine, clearly anxious to get on the road back to Ocean City.

  As they passed the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, he gestured toward the dashboard. “Open the glove compartment.”

  She opened it and removed a folder. “What’s this?”

  “Read it and see.”

  She looked at an outline of the ministry program he wanted to join. “So you’ve decided to go?”

  “I’m still praying about it. I’ve already spoken with Pastor Martin.” He then told her about the men’s retreat he was going to attend and about their new guest speaker.

  “So you’re hoping to make a final decision after the men’s retreat?”

  “Yes, hopefully I will. I’m also hesitant about going into this ministry because of you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, I love you so much that I don’t know if I could leave you for a year. I wish you’d wait for me.”

  “John, I don’t know.”

  “Do you love me?”

  She held her breath, remaining silent.

  “You’re not answering me. I guess that means no.”

  “There’s just so much at stake here.”

  “What’s wrong with telling me how you feel about me?” he argued.

  “It’s hard for me to tell my true feelings to somebody. Especially a man.”

  “But I would never hurt you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t mind waiting for me.”

  “How can I be assured you wouldn’t be dating anybody else while you’re gone?”

  “I’m hurt. Of course I wouldn’t date anybody while I’m gone.”

  She shrugged, still uncomfortable about waiting for him for a year. She also hoped that John was spiritually strong enough to make the decision to join this ministry. Was it really the right avenue for him to pursue?

  ❧

  The following week John took Monica out to celebrate Valentine’s Day. She’d gotten Karen to babysit Scotty so they could go to a fancy restaurant. The dinner was romantic and tasty, and it was nice to spend the evening with her. They didn’t speak about his ministerial plans. On the Saturday after Valentine’s Day, John found himself looking for Brian Smith at the men’s retreat. The posh hotel had reserved their conference rooms and lodging accommodations at half price since it was off-season. When he finally found Brian in the lobby, he stopped and introduced himself, asking if he could spare a minute to talk to him.

  Several minutes later, bundled in thick down-filled coats and holding cups of hot coffee, they stood on the frigid beach, watching the waves crash upon the sand. Both men were comfortably silent as they sat on a bench and watched a few winter surfers sporting wet suits ride the cold waves. “It sure is nice out here,” said John as he sipped his coffee.

  Brian cradled his coffee cup, gesturing toward the ocean. “Yes, it’s magnificent.” The elderly man focused on John. “But I’m sure you didn’t ask me to come out here to stare at the ocean.”

  “Well, you know that ministry you started awhile back? After I got saved, I found out about it, and I was thinking about joining it. But I’ve been undecided over the last few weeks.” Not wanting to take up too much of Brian’s time, John briefly told him more about his problem, and Brian gave his advice.

  “Well, John, when I started this ministry, I wasn’t looking for new Christians to join it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I know new Christians can be eager and zealous, but, also, they might not be spiritually ready to enter a ministry. When we find out a new Christian wants to join, we have to probe and find out if he feels called to do it.” Brian sipped his coffee. “John, as a former agnostic, I can tell you one of the hardest things I did was going to God for help. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, not what God wanted me to do.”

  “But I can’t help it. Sometimes it just seems like this ministry is the right thing to do.”

  “But you can’t think about what you think is the right thing to do. You need to seek God for the answers to your questions. That’s what you need to do.”

  “But I don’t want—”

  “Don’t think about what you want or don’t want. You need to seek God for the answer. I’m sure once you opened your heart and sought out God, He revealed himself to you, right?”

  John nodded, still listening. Brian continued, “Well, you need to seek His will about this ministry. We need to seek out God and not lean on our own understanding. Being a scientist, one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that our minds are limited, but God’s mind is limitless.” He paused before continuing. “You say you don’t want to leave Monica?”

  He quickly nodded. “I love her. I’ve never loved a woman as much as I love her. It’ll make me sick to leave her.”

  “If your heart is telling you not to leave her, maybe you shouldn’t. It sounds like she’s going through a lot lately, raising her nephew
and dealing with her younger sister. She’s got a lot on her plate. Perhaps the Lord is guiding you, through your heart, to stay with her and support her.”

  Brian invited John to stand, and they walked toward the chilly ocean. As they paced along the shore, John continued to speak. “Since I was an agnostic, I know how other agnostics think. I feel that I could bring more to this ministry than an ordinary nonagnostic person could.”

  Brian raised his hands. “And?”

  “And that’s why I feel I should do this. Think about all the good I could do.”

  Brian placed his hand on his shoulder. “Son, I’ll be praying for you. But you’ve got to remember what the Bible says about Christianity and salvation. Pray about what God is trying to tell you through His Word.” He rubbed John’s shoulder. “Also, perhaps the Lord placed this ministry on your mind for another reason.”

  “Such as?”

  “Perhaps it’s something He wants you to do another time? Maybe when things are more settled between you and Monica, you can reconsider doing this ministry, if you feel you should do it in your heart, and bring her along with you.” Brian sighed. “I know what you’re going through, and I think that’s one of the reasons why the Lord called on me to be here today. I’m glad Pastor Martin asked you to come to me because I went through a similar situation when I was first saved.”

  John was intrigued. “What happened?”

  Brian chuckled. “I know this is a serious subject, but I can’t help laughing about how foolish I was back then. I was in college when I got saved, and after I graduated, I went on a mission trip to Sydney, Australia.” He shook his head. “I didn’t pray about it or ask for any guidance. I was young and hotheaded, and I knew I just wanted to go down under and save as many souls as possible. After I had been there about a month, I realized I’d been able to get only one person to accept Christ. I was mad because I envisioned myself helping others, bringing lots of people to the gospel, getting people saved! I told the pastor I was a failure since I’d helped only one person find Jesus.”