Raising Landry

by Andee Michelle

  “I love you, Carson, more than anything. You have always been my pride and joy. I’m so proud of what you’ve accomplished in Seattle. I’ve been keeping tabs on you the whole time. I know you’ve been through a lot this past year, but I’m so proud of the way you’ve continued on. I had hoped to someday meet that beautiful little girl you love so much.” The tears are flowing from my eyes that he knows all about everything that’s happened. “If I hadn’t been so sick, I’d have come to the hospital when you were injured in the accident. Lucky for me, my oncologist is extremely sneaky and kept tabs on you while you were there for me.” He chuckles.

  I smile up at him knowing that when my dad has his mind set on something, nothing stands in his way.

  I realize in that moment that he has been hanging on for a long time, waiting for me to come home so he could let go. He needed the closure before he was ready to go.

  “I’m so sorry, Daddy. Sorry you’ve missed so much of what my life has turned into,” I say. “With every milestone I hit, I thought of you and felt your absence. When I graduated from culinary school, I realized then that I needed to make things right with you, but that was the night of the accident and things just went crazy after that.” I start to explain but another coughing fit ensues, and I get up from the bed and head for the door.

  I fling the door open, dead-set on kicking a nurse’s ass when I run right into Chris, who is in front of the door, holding Jenna in his arms. I turn toward the nurse’s station and see no one behind it.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but, Chris, can you please go find a nurse before I go apeshit. Daddy’s coughing fits are horrible and he’s in pain,” I grind out. He nods, takes Jenna’s hand and heads toward the nurse’s station as I turn back into Daddy’s room.

  When I get back to the bed, his eyes are closed and I take a minute to watch his chest rise and fall. His breathing is so shallow. I sit back down beside him and put my hand into his.

  “I’m here, Daddy, and I’m not going anywhere.” I lay my forehead on our joined hands and take a deep breath. I know the end is near, but I am not ready to let him go when I just got him back.

  He stirs and I lift my head. “Carson, I’m ready. I need you to know that I love you and that I am so damn proud of the woman you have become. You go make your dreams come true. That land you’re buying is beautiful, and I had no doubt you’d love it the moment I saw the pictures. Promise me you will live your life to the fullest and never, ever take love for granted.” He gives me a weak smile. I shake my head because my throat hurts so badly from trying not to scream and cry. I hear the nurse come in and I turn to address her.

  “Please, he’s in pain. Can you give him something to help him?” I choke out.

  “Yes, ma’am.” She inserts a syringe into his IV, and I watch as his frail frame begins to relax almost instantly.

  When he is sleeping soundly, I kiss his cheek and turn to the nurse to address the lack of response to my pushing the button, when she surprises me.

  “You must be Carson,” she says with a smile. “He talks about you all the time. I’m so glad you got here to see him.” She looks down at the floor. “He will let go fast now, honey. He’s been waiting for you.” I stand stock-still, looking at her now-retreating form.

  I know in my heart he’s ready to go. He told me so. But hearing the nurse confirm that the end is near, I’m terrified.

  The door opens and I watch as Chris walks into the room without Jenna.

  “You doing okay, Car?” he whispers.

  “No. I’m not. My dad is dying, Chris. I’m lost on how to handle that,” I admit as I walk toward him. At this moment, I need someone to hold me and if the only person who can do that is Chris, I’m okay with it. He opens his arms and I fall into him, sobbing quietly. Chris sinks to the floor with me wrapped in his arms and holds me while I cry.

  What seems like hours later, but I’m sure is just a few minutes, I hear the door open but I don’t even bother to look up. I know the moment I hear the gasp, that it’s Jenna. I feel Chris stiffen and I pull myself away from him, wiping my face with my shirt. I stand up, walk to a now-crying Jenna and pull her into my arms. She tries to jerk free but I hold onto her. I know what she’s thinking, and maybe that’s what their estrangement is about. Me coming home.

  I let her pull back but don’t let go of her completely.

  “Jenna, that is not what it looked like.” I stop because that sounds like the bullshit cliché excuse everyone says when they get caught doing something they’re not supposed to be doing.

  “Shit. Okay, listen. It’s time for us all to move on from the past and focus on our futures. It’s time for us all to let go.” I can’t deal with anything more than my dad’s illness right now. I don’t look back at them as I make my way out the door.

  I smile at the little girls still sitting in chairs outside the room as I pass them. I need a breath of fresh air while Daddy is sleeping.

  I make my way down to the ground floor and out the doors without ever looking up. My heart is torn. I’m so happy to reconnect with my dad again and happy that he knows how my life has turned out. But I’m also heartbroken that I got here just in time for the end. I need more time with him, and I know I don’t have it.

  Realizing that I haven’t called Lopez about the text from Jerrod, I pull my phone from my purse and dial his number. After explaining the text exchange, and getting my ass chewed for egging Jerrod on, Lopez tells me to come to the station so I can show him the texts. I explain to him about my dad and that I’m in New Orleans. He tells me to come in when I get back and to be careful while I’m down here. Jerrod is crazy and if he finds out where I am, he may very well come after me like I taunted him to do.

  After the conversation with Lopez, I head back into the hospital to sit with my dad. It’s not even lunchtime yet and I’m already exhausted, but I’m not leaving his side for even a few hours. Even the 15 minutes I was outside was too much.

  When I make it back to my dad’s floor, Chris and his girls are all huddled together, walking toward the elevators.

  “Carson, are you ready to head to your hotel? I need to get my girls home,” he says, looking at Jenna who is ignoring him.

  “I’m not leaving anytime soon, Chris. I’ll come down and get my bags from your car, and I can take a cab to the hotel when I’m ready,” I tell him with trepidation.

  “How about I take your bags over to your hotel and drop them off there? That way you don’t have to lug them around the hospital. I can let them know you’ll be a late check-in.”

  “That would be great, Chris. Thank you.” I smile at them easily.

  “We have more to talk about before you go back to Seattle, Car. Please keep us updated on your dad, and we are here if you need us,” Chris says as they turn away.

  “I will,” I whisper.

  I watch as they turn with their girls and walk away. I make my way back into Daddy’s room, pausing for a moment at the foot of his bed to watch his chest rise and fall. I pull the chair back up to his bedside and sit down. Pulling out my cell, I decide to check messages and texts. I’m actually kind of surprised that there isn’t a response from Jerrod after my brave decision to taunt him.

  There are texts from Kyler, though.

  K: Hope everything is going okay. We miss you.

  A little while later:

  K: Call me when you can.

  And just a few minutes ago:

  K: Kind of important. Call when you can.

  I find it odd that he would text me that instead of just trying to call. I take another look at my dad to make sure his chest is still rising and falling and get up to leave the room when his cough starts again. I sit back down, placing my cell on the chair beside me, and grab his hand. He slowly opens his eyes and looks toward me, but he seems unable to connect with my eyes. He seems dazed and not completely coherent. Maybe he’s still asleep.

  “I love you, Carson,” he whispers, “and please don’t ever forget that. Live y
our life to the fullest. Love with all your heart. Always do what makes you happy.” He starts to cough and I hit the call nurse button several times. He’s giving up; I can see it in his face.

  “I love you, Daddy. Please don’t leave me,” I cry out.

  “It’s time for me to go, Car.” He gasps. “And you have to let me go. I love you, sweetheart. Always.” He finishes as the machines start beeping and everything goes into slow motion. I pull his hand to my face but it’s unmoving. Rubbing his hand down my cheek, I scream out for the nurses to help me.

  “Don’t go, Daddy. Please. I just found you again!” I yell into his face.

  Hands I’m unfamiliar with are pulling me away from him. My body starts to shake and I fall to the side as I watch a team of people come in and start to assess my dad. I quickly notice that no one is giving him CPR, and they are all just basically standing around watching his vitals.

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP HIM!” I scream at them.

  “Ms. Breaux, your father was very strict with his directives. He has a DNR. He’s been ready to go but has been hanging on to say goodbye to you,” one of the nurses says gently.

  “No. Please help him,” I beg them. One of the nurses takes me into her arms and I fight for only a second before I realize it’s futile. He was ready to go, and I can’t make them bring him back just to suffer more. He’s suffered enough.

  My daddy is gone and once again, I feel empty in his absence. They let me sit with him for a little while longer so I can say my goodbyes to him by myself.

  As I walk through the doors of the hospital for the last time, I pull my phone out and text Chris.

  Me: He’s gone.

  And then I text Kyler because I just can’t talk to anyone right now.

  Me: Can’t talk right now. My dad died a few minutes ago. I’ll call you when I can.

  I put my phone back into my purse, not waiting for any replies. I don’t have the energy to deal with anyone right now. There are a few taxis parked not too far away from the hospital’s entrance, and I numbly make my way over to one that has its light on.

  “Hotel Monteleone please,” I tell the cabbie. He nods, and we speed away from the place that holds so many old memories and now a very sad new one.

  Over the next couple of days, I move along in a zombie-like state, just going through the motions. I keep Kyler and Landry updated on what’s happening here, but the conversations are quick and to the point. I have too much to deal with right now that I think my brain has put me into a state of shock. The day after dad’s death, Chris called me and told me Daddy had left everything to me, including his half of the law firm he owned with Chris’ family. I didn’t want any of it, truthfully.

  I decided to put all that craziness to the side for now and would deal with that after daddy’s funeral, which was happening today. I needed to take all of this one step at a time.

  My Uncle Gary had been helping me put things in order for the funeral. I was actually kind of surprised that my mother hadn’t wormed her way into everything somehow. After all, there was a huge amount of money involved in his estate, as well as property and the firm. I can only hope that she knows I’m here and is scared enough of seeing me that she’ll stay away.

  As I get out of Uncle Gary’s pickup and we head into the church, I notice for the first time how many cars are here. My dad was an amazing man, and it’s obvious that many loved him. We make our way up the steps of the church and just as my uncle pulls the door open, I hear a woman’s voice behind me calling out his name. I freeze instantly. I know that voice.

  I turn and look into the shocked face of my mother. She freezes and just stares at me.

  “Carson,” she finally says, just loud enough for me to hear. I can’t really place the emotion on her face; maybe a cross between surprise and discomfort.

  “Mimi.” I nod. “What are you doing here?” I ask with no emotion.

  “I’m here for Sam’s funeral, of course. I was married to him for 25 years, after all. I’m surprised to see you since I heard you were off living a beautiful life in Washington.” She pauses as she takes in my appearance, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. “I see you white-trashed yourself up while you’ve been away.” She points to my right arm, which is covered in a shoulder-to-wrist sleeve. “Super classy,” she snaps. “And since when am I ‘Mimi’ and not ‘Mother’?” she almost snarls.

  I throw my head back and laugh thunderously. “I’m not doing this with you. You’re not a mother and never have been. We’re done here.” I laugh again at the absurdity of that entire conversation, turning and walking through the still-open doors of the church, Uncle Gary following close behind me.

  “That was awkward and painful,” I hear my uncle mumble. “Is it bad form for me to say I despise that bitch?” he whispers to me.

  “You and me both,” I reply. My Uncle Gary was my daddy’s youngest brother. He never got married or had children, but he treated me like his own when I was growing up. He is one of the kindest men I’ve ever known. My reunion with him was bittersweet. I know it hurt him when I took off, but I’d needed to cut ties with everyone when I left. I regret that now, but at the time it seemed like my only option.

  When I called him after Daddy passed, he drove down from Dallas where he’d been living for several years. He was staying at the same hotel as me and one night, we’d had dinner together. We spent several hours talking about what had gone down after I left. What my mother put my dad through in their divorce made me resent her even more. It did make me happy to know that he’d finally seen through her bullshit and had filed for divorce. The only thing she got was a lump settlement that didn’t even put a dent in my dad’s wealth. She’d gotten married just six months later to a doctor. Gossip around town, according to my uncle, was that the good doctor had quite the gambling problem and dwindled away most of what he earned. Bet Mother was thrilled about that.

  The funeral service was beautiful, and I did everything in my power to stay as far away from my mother as possible. Anytime she started toward me, I was able to evade her.

  After the graveside prayer and the lowering of his casket, people I haven’t seen in years come over to where I’m sitting to pay their respects. I’m still completely numb until I see my mother standing off to the side, playing a heartbroken widow of someone she wasn’t even married to anymore. She’s crying and dabbing at her eyes with what I know is an expensive silk handkerchief. When she notices me watching her, she straightens her shoulders and turns her head in the opposite direction. She knows I see right through her. I don’t know why she even tries to act like she cares about him.

  I feel a hand on the small of my back and turn to see Chris and Jenna behind me. They both hug me and tell me they are sorry for my loss. It feels emotionless and cold. I know it’s just because I’m still in shock over everything that’s happened over the past few days, but I just can’t bring myself to feel anything.

  Chris is speaking to me; about what I’m not sure ‘cause I can’t seem to focus on his words. Then I watch his entire body stiffen and he stops talking. Shit. She caught me.

  I turn to face her and roll my eyes when I see her still crying. She reaches her hand out to me in a fake show of affection, but I step away and shake my head. I’m not sure what her game is today, but I’m not having any part of it.

  “What can I do for you, Mimi?” I ask her calmly.

  She doesn’t respond immediately because it pisses her off I’m still calling her by her name.

  I see movement behind her and look up to see a man, about my parents’ age, walking toward us with a smile. He looks familiar but I can’t place him. When he gets to my mother, he puts his hand on her hip and looks back up at me.

  “More nieces and nephews, Mimi?” he asks her politely while smiling at us.

  I stare at my mom, who looks uncharacteristically uncomfortable, before throwing my hand out to this stranger. “Oh, no, sir. I’m Miriam’s daughter, Carson. Nice to meet you,” I
say with as much fake cheer as I can muster.

  The man looks at my hand for a moment, then at my mother, and then back to me before slowly taking my hand in his, shaking it gently.

  “Of course. I’m sorry for your loss, Carson. Your dad was a good man,” he replies. “When did you get in? I was unaware you were back home.”

  “I’m not necessarily ‘back home’,” I respond. “I’ll be going back to my real home as soon as all of the loose ends are tied up here.” I smile at him. He has kind eyes. Makes me wonder how he got mixed up with my mother.

  He looks uncomfortable, nodding in understanding.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name,” I say to him as I shift my eyes back over to my mother.

  “My apologies. We’ve met before. You were just a little girl then. I’m Dr. Derek Hemslee.” He pauses. “Your stepfather.” And in that moment, it dawns on me who he is. He was a friend of my dad’s.

  I look at him for a moment, then at my mother, and for the first time since my dad took his last breath, I feel something other than numb. I feel anger. Anger so intense I can feel my heart pounding, my breathing pick up and my hands start to shake. Then the tears start to come quickly. Fucking angry tears.

  Looking over at my mother, I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath.

  “My daddy is now gone, and I have no reason to ever come back here. I’m going to meet with Chris and his dad tomorrow to go over the estate and then I’m gone.” I can tell by the look in her eyes when I mention my dad’s estate that it sparked something in her.

  “He left everything to me,” I bite out and watch as her face morphs into the mother I remember; the one that showed she didn’t care about anyone but herself. Gone is the would-be widow, mourning a man she didn’t love. She looks pissed and it makes me smile.

  “I’m going to sign daddy’s half of the firm over to Chris and his dad,” I say with a smile. I hear a gasp and turn to see Chris standing with a smirk on his face and Jenna with her hand over her mouth.