Four Bridesmaids and a White Wedding: the laugh-out-loud romantic comedy of the year!

by Fiona Collins

‘Not good, is it?’ observed Rose.

  ‘Not good at all,’ agreed Sal.

  ‘Shall we go and drag her away?’

  ‘I don’t think she’d let us.’

  ‘No, I don’t think she would either. Look at her! She’s all over him like a rash! You and JoJo were right; we really shouldn’t have come tonight. I feel everything’s getting out of control!’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Sal. She frowned and checked her wrist again.

  ‘Why do you keep looking at your watch?’

  ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing. I just like to keep an eye on the time, that’s all . . . I . . .’

  ‘Sal?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Tell me what’s going on?’

  ‘All right, all right. I’ll tell you. I texted Frederick,’ said Sal. ‘This afternoon, after the rescue of The Lady of the Lake.’ Rose looked blank. ‘When Steve saved Wendy’s life! All that hero nonsense. You saw the way she looked at him! I texted Frederick and asked him to come down here, tonight.’

  ‘What!’

  ‘Yep! Well, I’ve got his number, haven’t I? He called me last month about sourcing some wine for the wedding reception. I texted him asking him to come and save Wendy from herself.’ She almost laughed at Rose’s horrified face. ‘Of course I didn’t say that! I told him how amazing it was here, how much Wendy was missing him and that we’d all love to see him again before the wedding. I didn’t tell him his fiancée was in danger of going off with another man!’

  ‘Well, thank God for that!’

  ‘No, I was ever so casual. I said why didn’t he come down and join us for the last night?’

  ‘And what did he say?’

  ‘He said it was a lovely idea and he’d try his best. Oh, it’s a bit of a long shot, I know, but it’s our only shot! Do you think she’s really going to keep to that “stay within our sights” rubbish now, because I don’t think so! If Frederick comes down tonight, she’ll be forced to make a proper judgement call. With Steve here she can’t think straight – all she can see is Steve. We want her to make the right choice, don’t we? We certainly don’t want her sleeping with Steve tonight, or all bets – and most definitely the wedding – are off!’

  ‘Do you really think she’ll sleep with Steve?’ asked Rose, looking quite frightened.

  ‘Look at them! What do you think? I think without Frederick turning up to hopefully remind her just how perfect he is for her there’s every chance that dress is coming off and landing on Steve’s bedroom floor in about – ooh—’ she looked at her watch again ‘—half an hour’s time!’

  ‘I think you’re right,’ said Rose, looking over at them again. ‘They are getting far too close for comfort.’

  Wendy and Steve had their arms round each other now, slow dancing to a song that wasn’t even slow – it was George Michael’s ‘Fast Love’. Steve’s hand was on Wendy’s bum, giving it a bit of a squeeze. Her arms were on his shoulders and she was gazing up into his face as though he were bloody George Clooney. It was not looking good at all. If ever the cavalry was required to turn up, it was now.

  ‘How are you feeling, Sal?’ It was JoJo, appearing at her side. She looked all hot and happy and flustered, like she’d been dancing up a storm.

  ‘Good,’ said Sal, with a big smile. JoJo was her hero at the moment. ‘Thanks to you. Thank you so much for realising what was up with me and getting me that test. Where did you get it from?’

  ‘I paid one of the staff to go to the local Tesco and get one,’ said JoJo. She grabbed a vacant chair, over to Sal’s left, and pulled it over to perch herself on

  ‘You were that convinced?’

  ‘I was that convinced.’

  ‘Well, thank you. I was incredibly dim, wasn’t I? Thank you for looking out for me.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ said JoJo. ‘You know—’ she rubbed one of Sal’s arms ‘—I think we need to look out for each other more. Trust each other, rely on each other. We’ve been so caught up in our own lives there’s been a few things we’ve been quite blind to. Rose’s unhappiness with Jason. Wendy’s uncertainty about Frederick. Your pregnancy . . . Hey, how are you feeling about telling Niall?’

  ‘Nervous.’

  ‘I bet. Whatever he says, you’re definitely going to keep the baby, aren’t you?’ She smiled, her eyes shining. ‘I don’t even need to ask you that, do I?’

  ‘No, you don’t need to ask me that. I’m having the baby,’ said Sal, with a grin. What a lovely sentence to say, she thought. One she thought she would never say. I’m having the baby. She was having a baby and it was fantastic.

  ‘I’m really happy for you,’ said JoJo. ‘Really, really, really happy. And I meant what I said – we’ll be there for you. We’ll be so so there.’

  ‘Thank you, JoJo.’ Sal looked at her friend quizzically. ‘You’re not drunk are you, Miss Josephine?’

  ‘I might be,’ said JoJo. ‘Just a little bit. This party is fun!’ She stood up. ‘I’m off to the loo to powder my nose – I’m all sweaty – then I’m going back to my hotter than hot dance partner for more.’

  ‘Your hot dance partner. Who?’ Sal stood up too and JoJo gestured over to the handsome young waiter, from the restaurant, who waved at her from the dance floor. ‘Blimey!’

  ‘I know! He’s far too young for me but so bloody what! He’s gorgeous! I’ve realised I’ve been missing out on a whole lot of fun for a very long time, and I’m going to grab some, starting tonight. Tomorrow I reckon I’ll thank Wendy for that robot comment.’ She grimaced, and then laughed. ‘I’ll also thank Tamsin, and all of you, for everything!’

  Sal didn’t quite understand what the uncharacteristically drunk JoJo was saying, but she was amazed. She had never seen JoJo like this. Well, not for hundreds of years, anyway. She hadn’t seen her quite as glowing and carefree since their Warwick days, actually.

  ‘Wow, you go for it, girl! Bloody hell,’ she uttered. It was nice to see the return of Party JoJo; she’d almost forgotten she existed. ‘There’s certainly something in the air tonight,’ Sal added, ‘rather tragically, in some people’s cases. Have you seen Wendy and Steve?’

  ‘Not recently, why?’

  Sal looked back to the dance floor, to the spot where Wendy and Steve had been, ready to point them out to JoJo, but they weren’t there. ‘Oh no! They’ve gone! Where are they?’ She looked wildly round the room. ‘Rose!’ she exclaimed, leaning down and nudging her. ‘Can you see Wendy?’

  ‘No!’ said Rose, scanning the room. ‘They’re not on the dance floor anywhere! Damn! Sorry, I was miles away. I haven’t seen them at all for the last few seconds.’

  ‘Oh God,’ said Sal. ‘Please don’t tell me they’ve left the party and gone back to the hotel together! They can’t!’

  ‘Have a look by the loos!’ ordered JoJo. ‘Me and Rose will go and look by the lake. Things happen by lakes, we all know that.’

  JoJo and Rose dashed for the exit. Sal went off and searched the corridors by the loos, but there was no sign of anyone. There was a back door, down one end of the corridor, which led to a small car park and the service bins; Sal peered through it. Nothing. She walked out and checked behind the bins, in case Wendy and Steve were up to no good behind them, but only found a startled, ash-flicking waitress, having a fag, and a mangy-looking cat. She returned to the lake house and, after scouring the dance floor again, sat back down on her chair in the corner. She had a clear view from here of the entrance and would keep her eye on the open door in case Wendy and Steve came back through it.

  Nobody came through it. Nobody at all. Nobody that was until a tall, wiry man in an open-necked shirt and smart beige trousers stepped confidently into the room and looked around him.

  Frederick.

  Oh God, Frederick! Not now, when Wendy wasn’t even here, but God knows where doing God knows what with another man!

  Sal hurtled towards him.
>
  ‘Sal!’ Frederick steadied her as she came to a braking stop in front of him and kissed her politely on both cheeks.

  ‘Frederick!’ gushed Sal, in her best and most convincing gushing mode. Oh, she had to really pull out all the stops here – Wendy’s life was at stake, the bloody idiot! ‘How lovely to see you. I’m so glad you could come down!’

  ‘I’m rather pleased I did,’ he said quietly, and looking around him. ‘What a fabulous party!’

  Sal had left word on reception, if Frederick were to turn up, that this was where they would be. She wished she hadn’t now. She wished she’d arranged for Frederick to be retained in the lobby, until they got everything sorted here. Until they got Wendy sorted. As he looked around the room, she desperately hoped Wendy and Steve hadn’t returned from where the hell they’d been to resume their gyrating on the dance floor. Please let them not be in here, she begged the universe or anyone or anything who cared to listen, please don’t let Steve’s hand be on Wendy’s bum again.

  ‘Are you on your own?’ asked Frederick. ‘Where is everyone? Where’s Wendy? And my sister?’

  ‘Erm . . . they all went out to the lake, to get some air,’ said Sal frantically. ‘We’ve all had rather a lot to drink. Well, not me,’ she said, dying to add, ‘I’m pregnant,’ but managing to resist, although perhaps it wouldn’t harm to take Frederick off on a different tangent. She could also have added that she sounded like a complete idiot. Some air! It was not only corny but a bit fat lie on all accounts, especially as she could see Tamsin out of the corner of her eye, still nattering by the window. It was best to keep her at bay, though, until Wendy was found – she didn’t want Tamsin voicing any suspicions to her brother and she was sure she had loads by now. The weekend had been disastrous. Bloody Steve Marsden! Why hadn’t he stayed Down Under, playing his didgeridoo or whatever it was he did down there?

  ‘Oh, splendid,’ said Frederick courteously. ‘Air is always good.’ He pronounced it ‘ar’. He was really rather posh, Sal thought, and not for the first time, but so nice with it. He was clearly one of life’s good guys and they should be held on to, at all costs – everybody knew that. She hoped all that stuff about him and Wendy not knowing each other well enough was just pre-wedding nerves; she hoped Wendy hadn’t massively screwed things up and that Fredrick’s appearance wasn’t way too late; she really hoped Wendy wasn’t romping somewhere with Steve, at this very moment – in the hotel – swigging out of a champagne bottle and hanging from the ceiling in a sex swing.

  ‘Yes, it is,’ said Sal, at an unusual loss for words.

  ‘Shall we go out and catch up with them?’ Frederick smiled. ‘I know it’s only been two days but I’m dying to see Wendy. You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve missed her, too. Soppy old fools, aren’t we?’ he said, taking Sal’s arm and leading her cheerily out of the door. ‘Where do you think she is?’

  ‘She’s here,’ said a voice. JoJo. She was arm in arm with Wendy, who was staggering up the right-hand path from the lake and weaving all over the place. It looked like she was doing the Trust Lean, at a thirty-degree angle, she was leaning so heavily on JoJo, and Rose was to her other side, trying and failing to prop her back upright. Wendy’s red lipstick was smudged all over her face, her hair was wilder than Sal had ever seen it, her head was nodding and her eyes bloodshot and unfocused; she looked a right state. At least her dress was intact, though, Sal thought. That was something. Thankfully, it seemed Wendy was just really drunk and had not in any way been caught in flagrante, by the ducks.

  ‘Wendy?’ said Frederick, stepping towards her. ‘Are you all right, darling?’

  ‘She’s extremely drunk,’ said JoJo, and Sal noticed JoJo wasn’t that steady herself, now; she was quite wobbly on her heels, which never happened.

  ‘Frederick?’ Wendy’s head snapped up. ‘Issh that you, Frederick?’

  ‘Yes, it’s me, you drunken old soak,’ said Frederick softly. ‘Come here!’ He held his arms open wide and Wendy shrugged off JoJo and Rose and ran into them, sobbing.

  ‘Oh, Frederick, Frederick, thank God you’re here,’ she sobbed, into his shoulder. ‘I’ve been so silly, so, so silly. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for,’ said Frederick soothingly, patting his hand on her back, like he was winding a baby. ‘It’s your hen do, darling, you’re allowed to get roaring drunk, it’s absolutely bloody fine.’

  ‘Issh not fine,’ sobbed Wendy. She raised her head and realised she’d left red lipstick all over Frederick’s shirt, which she ineffectually tried to rub off with her thumb. ‘I’ve been a bad girl, a very bad girl.’ Sal and Rose and JoJo looked at each other quickly in alarm.

  ‘Ssh, no you haven’t,’ said Frederick. ‘You’ve just had too much to drink.’

  ‘I have been bad! I need to tell you, Frederick!’

  ‘There’s no need, Wendy,’ interjected JoJo. ‘Honestly—’

  ‘I need to tell,’ protested Wendy, slumping against Frederick’s shoulder again. ‘Bad guuurl. The worst.’

  ‘OK, then tell me, my darling,’ said Frederick, amused. He took Wendy by the shoulders and held her further away from him. Her head was lolling and her eyes were all rolling; she looked like Frankenstein’s daughter. ‘Tell me why you’ve been bad.’

  Uh-oh. The three friends all stepped forward. Sal frantically did the throat-slash, stop-talking-NOW gesture; Rose grabbed one of Wendy’s arms; JoJo opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

  ‘She’s been bad,’ said Tamsin, walking towards them from the lake house, a lurid green cocktail in her hand, ‘because she’s absolutely shit-faced and twenty minutes ago she got up on the bar and danced by herself to “The Birdie Song”. In front of everyone.’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ said Sal quickly. She nodded, looking stern. ‘Naughty Wendy. That was really very bad of you. Fancy dancing on the bar. In front of everyone.’

  ‘Terrible,’ said Rose.

  ‘Disgusting,’ said JoJo.

  ‘But—’ started Wendy, but Tamsin shook her head at her and she closed her mouth again.

  ‘Is that all it was?’ laughed Frederick. ‘Well, I wish I’d seen it. You should dance on bars much more often, my dear!’

  Wendy looked quite confused. ‘Really?’ she slurred.

  ‘I’ve seen you,’ he said, smiling fondly. ‘After I left you that night, in London. I saw you through the window on my way to the Tube. You were dancing on a table and looking as happy as I’ve ever seen you.’

  Sal remembered. After Frederick had left there had been a spot of impromptu table-dancing that evening.

  ‘And it didn’t put you off me?’

  ‘Of course not!’

  ‘You don’t think we’re chalk and cheese?’

  ‘We are—’ Frederick nodded ‘—but don’t you think they can perfectly complement each other, sometimes. Why not? I can be a bit serious, a bit boring, especially before I met you. I don’t do adorable things like the Running Man at top of the Eiffel Tower. I love that you do.’

  Wendy burst into noisy sobs again and buried her face back in Frederick’s shoulder. Sal really feared for the shirt.

  ‘We don’t really know each other!’ she sobbed, into his shoulder. ‘Six months isn’t long enough! It’s All Too Soon.’

  ‘All Too Soon?’ exclaimed Frederick, taking her head gently in his hands. ‘What rubbish! Of course six months is long enough! I knew exactly who you were after a week. And wouldn’t it be dull if we knew everything already – I can’t wait to find out the rest! The many glimpses you’ve given me so far lead me to believe it’s all fabulous, my darling.’

  ‘You don’t think that I’m not good enough for you?’

  ‘What! Oh, Wendy,’ said Frederick, wrapping his arms around his drunken bride-to-be. ‘If anything, it’s the other way round!’

  Rose looked at Sal and gave her a warm smile. JoJo looked at Tamsin and she gave a nod and a wink.
r />   ‘I’m so sorry, Frederick!’ Wendy wailed. ‘For being a bad, bad girl. Do you still want to marry me?’

  ‘Are you not listening to me? Of course I want to marry you, you twit,’ laughed Frederick, holding her up as she looked as though she might collapse to the ground. ‘I want to marry you more than ever. I love my crazy Wendy! I’m so bloody lucky to have you and I can’t wait for you to become my wife. Come here.’ He took Wendy in his arms again and squeezed her tight. ‘Be yourself,’ he whispered, ‘because everything about you is wonderful!’ and then he bent his face down towards hers and gave her a gigantic, grinning snog. Wendy was grinning, too, and clinging on to him like a floppy, inebriated limpet.

  ‘Thank God,’ JoJo mouthed to Sal and Sal breathed a large, internal sigh of relief. Frederick had arrived, Frederick had said all the right things. He was the perfect man for Wendy and it was all going to be all right. She held her arms out and rounded JoJo, Rose and Tamsin up in a little congratulatory hug.

  ‘Where’s Steve?’ hissed Sal to JoJo.

  ‘The other side of the lake,’ whispered JoJo. ‘I told him to stay there on pain of death.’

  ‘What were they up to?’

  ‘Going in for a snog and a grope. I’d say we got there just in time.’ Sal nodded and Tamsin suddenly spilled some of her cocktail.

  ‘Oops! Sorry!’

  Was she a bit pissed? wondered Sal. She gave Tamsin a more than curious glance and Tamsin winked back at her, causing Sal to break into a big smile. Steve may have ‘rescued’ Wendy from the lake this afternoon, but Tamsin had saved the day. Tamsin also believed her brother and Wendy were the perfect couple. They were all united in getting Wendy up that aisle.

  Finally, the happy couple came up for air. Wendy’s smile was almost as wide as her hair.

  ‘Shall we go back into the party?’ said Frederick gently. ‘I can hear Justin Timberlake and I know you’re quite partial.’

  ‘I’m not sure I can, yet,’ muttered Wendy, who was still very unsteady on her feet. ‘I think I need to sit down for a bit.’

  ‘Sit here, my love,’ said Frederick, directing her to the bench Sal had sat on earlier. ‘I’ll pop in and get you a glass of water and then you can compose yourself before we head in.’