by Lori Ryan
“Your father didn’t hit me often. He saw it as a lack of control when he did and he never liked to be out of control. The thing was, he blamed every slip in control on me. Your father’s words were always more painful than his punches. If he lost his temper, it was because I had pushed him too far, because I had failed. I wasn’t good enough to be a Kensington. So, I tried harder. I made myself into the perfect Kensington matriarch. I put on the mask and showed the world, showed all of you, what was expected. And when I saw the same thing happening to Laura, I wasn’t strong enough to get her out of there. I was angry and bitter and thought the world owed me something for what I had gone through. I told her to suck it up and put on the face the world expected to see. I tried to turn her into me.”
His mother was very still. “I think on some level, I wanted someone to go through what I’d been through. I know that’s sick, but I think I felt like I shouldn’t have to suffer that alone.”
There was a long, painful silence and he was sure his mother was doing everything in her power not to cry. It was written on her face. When she spoke, the ache and pain carried in her voice. “It is my greatest shame.”
Justin felt his throat constrict and he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to breathe in a minute.
His mother cleared her throat, her face etched with determination as if she could barrel through this. “You didn’t see what was going on because I didn’t let you. Patrick knew, but by the time he figured it out, your father had already warped him so much. I realized he would get hold of you soon and change who you were. That’s when I sent you away to school. I wanted you away from your father, and away from Patrick. I drove a wedge between all of you so that he couldn’t poison you. I did all of that, Justin. You’re not to blame for not seeing what was going on. I was very good at hiding it, so there’s nothing here for you to pay penance for. There’s nothing for you to be punished for. There’s no reason that you shouldn’t grab life with all you’re worth and live it. Find love. Find happiness. You deserve that more than any of us.”
She stood, then, looking down at where he still sat. He should say something. He should reach out and hug her. He should tell her it’s all right. He didn’t.
She paused in front of his desk. “What Laura and I went through was horrible, and I’m glad we’re out of it, but I think you need to realize we weren’t the only victims of it.”
Justin knew all of that intellectually. He knew the victims of domestic abuse included those who lived around it and witnessed it. Knowing that intellectually was very different than being able to accept it in his heart.
“I want you to let yourself live and love. You are nothing like your brother or your father. You could never hurt a woman the way they did. It’s just not in you.” She put her hand on his. “Your heart is too strong for that. It’s why I sent you away all those years ago. I sent you away because I knew you would never keep that secret if you discovered it. You would have stood up to your father for me, and at the time, he was much too powerful and strong for you. He would have hurt you and I couldn’t stand that. I could numb a lot with alcohol and pills, but I couldn’t numb the pain I would have felt if your father turned on you.”
She looked fierce when she said the next words. “It’s one thing to break the cycle of abuse. I know you can do that. But you also need to be sure the abuse doesn’t haunt you forever and strip your life of what it should be.”
He sat frozen, processing what she’d said as she left the room. It was a long time before he could speak, and even then, what came out was a harsh, grating whisper. “I’m so sorry, mom. I’m so damned sorry.”
Two days later, Justin still felt wrung-out from the talk with his mother. He had gone home, taking the rest of the day off. He’d been in no shape to work or see anyone. His mom was right. He hadn’t fully dealt with any of what his family had been through.
Now he sat at his desk, wondering where this all left him. Yes, his mother was right. Yes, he’d been punishing himself for the wrongs he believed he’d committed, the failures he had taken on as his own, even though, if anything they belonged only to a young boy who couldn’t have known any better.
But that didn’t mean he could run right out and change. It was hard to move on from what you thought you needed to do and be for so many years. He’d though he couldn’t have happiness and love. That he didn’t deserve it. Shaking off that feeling wasn’t going to come overnight.
Besides, Justin thought, as he watched the scene unfolding out his office window. Cora was walking down the front path of the building to a waiting Ethan. She was happy. She was with Ethan, and she was happy. She’d made it clear that Ethan was who she wanted. Justin wouldn’t do anything to disrupt that now.
His phone rang and he turned to lift the receiver to his ear.
“Justin Kensington,” he said into the phone, still watching the spot where Cora had been.
“You haven’t been to a Sunday dinner in over two months.” May Bishop’s voice came through the phone without preamble.
May was Laura’s new mother-in-law and unofficial matriarch of the town. Almost everyone in town had been ordered to come to Sunday dinner at one time or another. Justin was on the list of people who were expected to make an appearance more routinely than not. He’d failed at that lately.
“Sorry, May. I’ve been—”
“Busy,” she finished in a tone that said she wasn’t buying it. “I’ll tell you what. You swing by the ranch this afternoon to have tea with me and I’ll forget all about it.”
“Uh, tea?”
“Tea,” she said, and hung up.
11
Justin had been right. He wasn’t a tea kind of guy. But he did like May’s cookies and he liked May, so he was pretty happy three hours later as he sat in May’s living room.
Josh, May’s boyfriend, stood after a few minutes of conversation. “I’m going to head out to the greenhouses to see Laura. I’ll be back in a bit.” Laura had two greenhouses where she ran an organic seed company when she wasn’t over at Raise the Veil or speaking at events to spread the word about domestic violence.
Josh’s exit was a blatant effort to leave May and Justin alone, and Justin braced himself for whatever was coming.
May watched Josh leave with a smile on her face. She had her hair in the two grey braids she usually wore and the cane she used to get around in the house leaned on her chair.
“I send him out to the greenhouses when I need him out of my hair.” There was love in her voice and Justin wondered if she and Josh would someday marry. He had been a friend of her and her husband’s but the two hadn’t started their relationship until her husband had been gone for years. Josh lived on the ranch with May, so maybe they didn’t plan to marry.
“You don’t like him out of your hair very often, do you?”
“No,” she said, a small smile teasing her lips as she sipped from her tea. “I really don’t.”
He waited, knowing she had called him here for a reason.
She didn’t disappoint. “You know, I’m known for being direct.”
“I do.”
“And for my sage advice.”
He laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
“I’ve also gotten to be close to your mother over the last year.”
Justin sobered. He’d known this was coming, but still, it was hard to talk about.
“She’s worried about you,” May said. “She told me she’s afraid the damage from her relationship with your father is affecting you.”
Justin put his tea cup down and sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees. “She’s right,” he said, feeling the weight of what he’d been living with ease a little more. It seemed as though that had been happening more and more. The more he talked about what his family had been like, the more it seemed like he was freed from the past.
“But I think,” he said, “that it’s getting better. I think I’m getting better.”
“That makes me happy to hear. I think you
deserve to find some happiness of your own.”
The thought made him sad and he realized it was because he didn’t know if it might be too late for that. He’d missed his chance with Cora. Logic told him there would be someone else for him someday, but that wasn’t what his heart was telling him.
Hell, when had he become a guy who sat around talking about his heart?
“Well, there’s a sad face.”
Justin laughed. He could imagine May saying that to one of her boys when they were little. May wasn’t at all like his mom had been. She was the kind of woman who would be tough on her boys, expecting a lot from them, but she was also the kind of mom who would have given hugs and kisses out liberally.
“I’m all right. Just coming to terms with some of what I’ve given up by not dealing with all of this sooner.”
She raised a brow. “Oh I don’t know about that. It might not be too late. Cora is dating, but she’s not married or even engaged yet.”
“She’s found someone she likes a lot. I’m not going to get in the way of that.”
“I’m not saying you should get in the way of anything, but don’t count yourself out yet. Work on letting yourself be happy for now. That should be enough to keep you busy for a while anyway. But until she’s made up her mind about Ethan, don’t go crossing anyone off your list yet.”
He nodded. He didn’t have a list. Well, maybe he did, but if he did it was a one person list. For right now, the only person he wanted was Cora Walker.
But May was right. Maybe for now he should focus on just living his life since he’d forgiven himself for not doing something to help his mom or Laura. Maybe for now, just living with that weight off of him was enough.
12
Justin had forced himself to come to the Kick-Off Chili Festival that started the summer each year in Evers. The summer was as much about beer and friends as it was about chili, but for this day, chili reigned supreme in Evers.
He’d realized after his talk with his mom that she and Laura had been right. He’d been punishing himself for years now. He still wasn’t convinced he shouldn’t blame himself for not seeing what had been happening to his mom and Laura, but he was beginning to see that he didn’t need to pay for that forever. Laura and his mother had started their lives over. They were happy.
And they wanted him to be happy.
“Wow. Buttoned-up Justin Kensington at the chili festival. Imagine my surprise.” Cora sat in the empty spot next to him at the picnic table and tapped his plastic beer cup with her cup of lemonade in a toast. “I think I’ve seen you at more social events this past two weeks than I have in the last six months. You look different, too.”
He turned to her with a smile, but had to force that smile to stay in place when he saw Ethan next to her. Ethan slid into the seat on the other side of Cora, nodding a greeting to Justin.
Cora was looking at Justin, her eyes narrowed like she was studying him. He studied her back.
She looked happy, too, he noticed, and he hated that he had a feeling it was Ethan who was making her look that way.
Justin already knew he’d waited too long. Cora had slipped away from him. As much as he liked seeing her happy, it was still going to take a hell of a lot of effort not to act on the urge to tear her away from the asshole.
He nodded at Ethan before moving his gaze back to Cora. She wore her dark hair in a ponytail and her cheeks were flush with pink like she’d been laughing.
“I’ve heard it’s a sin to live in Evers and not make it out to the Chili Festival and the Strawberry Festival,” he said by way of an answer. “My mom said she’s going to make me a list of the other things I’m not supposed to miss. I’m hoping they’re all food focused.”
Cora looked at the bowls in front of him. Three were empty but there were still two left. “Are you working your way through all the contest entries?”
At the chili festival, you could get free spoon-sized samples of the entries, or you could buy tickets to be turned in at the booths for full bowls.
Justin held up a string of tickets and patted his still-flat stomach as though it was bloated. “I’m pacing myself.”
Cora pointed to the next full one in his lineup. “Everyone knows you save the Hart brothers’ entry for last. It’s so spicy, it kills your taste buds for the rest of them,” she said, shaking her head at him. “You’re a real rookie at this.”
He only grinned and pulled that one closer. “I like spicy. If it kills my taste buds for all the others, I’ll just go back and get more of that one.”
Her parents walked up on the opposite side of the table, chili bowls and a plate of nachos in hand. “Are these seats taken?”
Cora looked to Justin. He waved a hand at the seats with a smile for her parents. “Have at it. My mom is here somewhere with Laura and Jamie. Cade’s waiting in line for beer, but there’s plenty of room.”
Ethan slipped his arm around Cora’s shoulders. Justin clenched his fist, then made an effort to release it.
“Okay, mom, what’s the deal? You look ready to bounce out of your seat.”
Justin looked at Cora’s mom. He hadn’t noticed it before but she did look happier than usual. Not that she wasn’t a happy person. She was. But she had a wide smile on her face and Cora was right. She was all but bouncing in her seat.
Her mom pressed her lips together and shook her head. “I’m just having fun, that’s all.”
Cora let out a huff that sounded like half laughter, half disbelief. Cora looked to her dad. “What gives?”
He shook his head. “You have to wait for Ashley. She’ll be here in a minute. She and Garrett are getting funnel cake.”
Cora’s mom elbowed Cora’s dad. “Make it a little more obvious, why don’t you?”
Cora started her own version of bouncing happy. “When? How far along is she? Do they know what they’re having?”
Was she saying Ashley was pregnant? Justin looked to Cora’s mom for answers, but her mom made a zipping motion over her lips in the standard, “I’m not saying a word” motion.
Tommy Burke ran up to the table before anyone could say anything else. “Miss Walker, I can’t find my mom.” He glanced around the table at the other adults and Justin could see he was fighting back panic, then back at Cora. “I was supposed to go to the bathroom, then go right back to where she was waiting with Dylan, but I can’t find her.”
He wasn’t in full-on breakdown mode yet, but looked like he might get there if he didn’t set eyes on his mom soon.
Cora stood, taking Tommy’s hand. “No problem, buddy. We’ll find her.”
Justin stood. “Do you need help?”
Cora opened her mouth to speak, but Ethan had risen with her, setting a hand on her back. “I’ll come.”
Ethan grinned at Tommy. “It’ll be an adventure. Besides, I’ve been hoping your brother has some more jokes for me. I could use a laugh, you know.”
Tommy kicked the ground. “Mom said your dad is sick and he’s gonna die. That means he’ll go to Heaven and you don’t get to see him anymore.” He raised his eyes. “I’m sorry about that.”
Ethan kneeled. “Thanks, Tommy. That’s nice to hear.”
“Are you gonna miss him?”
Ethan’s eyes were filled with sorrow, but Justin could see he was attempting to mask the depths of it from the young boy. “I am.”
Cora put her hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Let’s go find your momma, okay?”
They walked off together, Tommy promising more jokes as soon as they found Dylan.
Cora turned and waved at Justin. When she turned back, Ethan took her hand and she looked up at him, a smile on her face.
“She’s happy, Justin.”
Justin pulled his eyes from Cora and Ethan to find Cora’s mother watching him.
She repeated herself. “She’s happy.”
Justin collected his empty bowls and stood, meeting Mrs. Walker’s eyes. “I know. I won’t do anything to change that.”
&nbs
p; He tossed the empty bowls in a nearby garbage can and set off across the field in the other direction. He needed to put some distance between himself and Cora Walker. If he didn’t, there was no way he could live up to the promise he’d just made to her mother.
13
“That was a fun day,” Ethan said, walking Cora up to her door. “I’d forgotten how much fun some of the town festivals can be.”
“Well, you’re in for a treat. They’ve added three new events to the lineup. There’s now a big art show at the end of the summer and there are two new winter festivals, too. A snowman competition and a winter carnival.”
“A snowman competition?” Ethan looked around as though their location had mysteriously changed. “They know this is Texas, right?”
Cora grinned and opened the door, leading the way into her duplex. “That one, you can blame on my sister. Ashley’s on the committee that plans the events. She thought it would be fun to make snow for the kids once a year. It worked out surprisingly well last year. They brought in a snow making machine and made three huge mounds of snow on the town green. The kids all got to climb in it and build snowmen. It’s going to be an annual thing now.”
She turned to him in the entryway. “Do you want something to drink? We could, um, maybe watch a movie or something.”
Ethan shoved his hands in his pockets and nodded. “Sure, that sounds great.”
Cora grinned and pointed to the couch. “Why don’t you find a movie while I grab drinks and maybe popcorn?”
When she came back in the room and sat next to him, he pulled her closer to him on the couch, wrapping his arms around her. Cora sank in to his side and he started the movie. She should have known. He’d gone for The Dark Knight Rises.
“DC Comics, I take it?”
He gave her a mock look of scorn.
Cora laughed and settled back against his shoulder.
Ethan’s hand brushed up and down her shoulder as the movie played. They were only twenty minutes into it when he turned her in his arms.
