I'm twenty-eight years old. I'm an adult. I live an adult's life.
Oh, fuck this sucked.
"OK," I said, almost to myself. "Hold on just one minute." I held a hand up to Kane and then hustled him over the pillow pit, which thankfully happened to be devoid of slouching High Street customers sipping lattes right now. Then I turned and hurried over to Dan, who was in his uniform ready for work.
I'd chosen him first, because I knew he would be the most straightforward. Dan's laid back, free and easy, like I used to be. He held my gaze as I approached, no doubt registering there was no sway to my hips at all. His big hands were spread out on the table in front of him, where he'd taken a seat when he noticed a showdown was about to transpire. Dan's not stupid. He could see the writing on the wall. The request to meet here was signal enough.
"Hey," I said, slipping into the seat opposite. His eyes darted over my shoulder to where I knew Kane was watching. Probably with a scowl on his face. Kane was not laid back. He liked fast cars and faster women. But he liked them to be his and no one else's.
Bad choice for one of my stable, but he drove such a sweet ride.
"Hey yourself," Dan returned, automatically reaching over to grasp my hands in both of his. I pulled them back. Then closed my eyes. It had been instinctive, natural to pull away. I'd already said goodbye to Dan in my heart. I just had to let him know now.
When I opened them Dan was leaning back in his chair, eyes on me, arms crossed over his chest.
Not so easy then.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, and why do people start with that line when they're about to let someone down? Of course you're sorry, saying it just sounds like a cop-out.
"I figured as much," Dan murmured. "You've been pulling away for months now."
Months?
"Is it him?" Dan nodded towards where Kane waited. I shook my head, frown in place. "Can I know his name? The one who's caught Kelly Quayle."
"No one's caught me." And that was the wrong thing to say.
"So, it's just me." He didn't sound hurt. He sounded angry.
I fidgeted in my seat.
"I'm not hanging around for a public execution," he added, shoving his seat back and making those eyes, that weren't already watching, turn to us at the screech.
I didn't know what to say. It wasn't him, it was me. But that's another of those lines, isn't it? It might be true, but it would still sound like a cop-out.
So, unbelievably I said, "I'm sorry." Again. Could I make this any worse?
He started walking away and then stopped at my shoulder, his big hand coming down and resting there. I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, Dominic and Drew stiffen. I couldn't see Kane. Dan squeezed once and then left my life for good.
A weight should have been lifted off my shoulders, metaphorically speaking that is. But I knew what awaited me in the pillow pit. A bubble of hysterical laughter spewed out of my mouth. Hell, maybe I could go for a hat-trick today, and follow this all up with Drew.
My body felt a million years old when I stood to my feet. My heart heavy, my bones weak. My head a mixture of blame and torment and a darkness so black I couldn't think.
I turned and there was Kane, right there. His head cocked, his eyes narrowed, his hands in fists.
What had I ever seen in him?
What had I seen in any of them?
Without conscious thought my head turned so I could see Drew. His grey eyes met mine, a question there I hadn't expected to see. He raised his eyebrows, moved in his seat as though to stand, reinforcing his offer of help. Do you need me? He wasn't judging this monumental fuck-up that is my life, he was asking if he could step into it, further than he already was.
I gave a soft shake of my head and watched as he sat back into his seat, Dominic offering him a frown from the side.
"Kane," I began, only to be interrupted.
"Was that dude in uniform one of the others?" he demanded.
I sucked in a breath and said, "No. Not any more."
"What do you mean by not any more?"
"Exactly that. I just broke it off with him." I thought this would be a good way to start, giving Kane enough information to put two and two together and realise he was about to be cut loose too. But Kane doesn't think like that.
"That's good, babe," he said all smiles and jaunty attitude again. His whole body relaxing, his hand snaking out to clasp me behind the neck.
When Drew does that I become instantly turned on, alive, ready, eager. When Kane does it, I tolerate it, accept it and work myself out of that hold as soon as I can. Now, I just jerked away.
The fists came back, the scowl returned.
"What the fuck?" he demanded, taking a menacing step towards me.
Sometimes, I like it rough. Sometimes, I want to feel the pain. Kane was for those times. Back seats and hoods of cars, in his garage covered in grease. I'm not sure why I wanted to slum it, for want of a better word. Why I wanted a rough diamond who, more often, took rather than asked. I'm the one who chooses when and where and how, but sometimes I chose Kane. Why?
Getting rid of my stable of guys was meant to make things clearer, not confuse the fuck out of me. Not make me wonder what the hell had I been thinking? I hadn't expected this. I'd thought by cutting myself off from the addictive hits these men gave me, I'd finally see the real me. But what if the real me is still fucked up? What if after I clean up my lifestyle, I'm still fucked up?
What then?
"Kelly, let's go get in my car and take a ride. I think you need a little Kane type lovin'."
Did I hate myself so much, that I'd let a man like this in my bed, between my thighs? Was I so ashamed that I felt like I needed this kind of treatment? A punishment of sorts. Why?
I knew why, and it just made me fume to be reminded. I'd buried all that shit a long time ago, why the fuck was it coming unhinged now?
"Kane, it's been fun, but we gotta go our separate ways." Strength can be found at the most unexpected of times. I was facing a major life crisis, looking into the angry eyes of a soon-to-be ex-lover, who solved his problems with his fists.
Kane had never hurt me, no more than I had asked him to, but looking at him now I wasn't so sure of my safety. Standing in my workplace, surrounded by the public, friends, colleagues, a group of lawyers and video cameras linked to the top security firm in Auckland, I felt unsafe.
I took a step backwards and heard a series of chairs scrape as men stood up around the room.
Some of them were customers, just wrong place wrong time situation, but still they stood when a woman was threatened before them. All three ADK lawyers were on their feet, Drew at the front of the pack about to charge. Lucas had even rounded the coffee machine, apron still on, but the heavy portafilter in his hand.
Time stood still, I flicked my glance over my would-be protectors, and then looked into Kane's hard eyes. He hadn't even registered the hostility on the air, hadn't even bothered to acknowledge that there were other men in the store who could do him harm.
He simply reached froward and wrapped his meaty hand around my shirt collar and hauled me against his chest.
Pandemonium erupted. Voices rang out demanding he release me, Gen screamed, as did some of the other women in the shop. I could hear Dominic and Drew yelling, getting closer, but Kane, the stupid, crazy, lunatic of a Neanderthal, just dragged me from the store, slamming the doors wide open, almost making the rounded glass in the frames crack and fall to the paved concrete pathway below.
I screeched at the top of my lungs, screamed at him to let me go, thumped and kicked and scratched anything I could reach. And received a fist to the jaw that shut me up pretty quickly. Then watched my life flash before my eyes as he dragged me across the street, making cars skid to a halt and horns blast and more yelling and screaming ensue.
The world turned a little hazy, but I could have sworn a series of black SUVs screeched to a stop blocking our path. I was crying. Kelly Quayle doesn't cry, but I allowed myself some slack, because Kan
e had moved his grip from my work shirt to my hair and was threatening to scalp me alive.
I'd always known he was a little on edge, a little highly strung. The few times I'd stood him up lately he'd ranted and raved and slammed the phone down before the conversation was done. But by the time I saw him again he was his same old self. Car crazy, muscles bulging, obsessed with making me come several times before him. He could be generous, but I was beginning to see that generosity in his fucking was more a display of his own prowess.
Look at me, I can make you scream for more and more, over and over again, better than anyone else.
He wasn't. Better than anyone else, that is. He was my go-to guy when I needed to really feel. And that feeling had nothing to do with orgasms.
Sirens started getting louder in the distance, but we'd stopped in the middle of High Street. I could see what had to be Kane's car just beyond a large four wheel drive, blocking the road. The car I thought was Kane's, was the most ostentatious in the street, a Mustang or something like that. American at the very least, and in Kane's eyes the epitome of muscle car.
Kane jerked me around, scraping my knees over the tarseal on the road, tearing my trousers, grazing my skin underneath. I clenched my teeth, my hands trying to hold on to what hair they could, to avoid having it all torn out at the roots. I couldn't see clearly, the tears made my vision waver, but I could feel.
Fuck, I wanted to be able to feel, but I'd gladly go back to numb right now.
"Kane. Is that your name?" a voice said off to the side. "Just loosen your hold on the girl. Kelly's hurting."
Kane swung us both to face the voice - a voice that seemed vaguely familiar - lost his balance and then came down hard on my calf with his knee.
I screamed, someone yelled, booted feet stomped and suddenly the grip on my hair was gone. I collapsed to the road, panting, crying, an absolute wreck, but was instantly lifted up into someone's arms and carried away from the scene. Doors swung open, voices rang out, lights flashed overhead, but I was losing it. Someone was still screaming, and it took me a while to realise it was me.
This was my life? This is what I had become?
The screaming stopped, but the tears still silently trickled down my cheeks, until I lost all consciousness and thankfully passed out, asleep.
Chapter 7
And That Would Be A Crying Fucking Shame
Someone was crying and it wasn't me.
My head hurt. My knees hurt. The back of my right calf hurt.
My heart hurt.
Not because I'd loved him, but just because.
"Genevieve, sweetheart," I heard Dominic say. "Kelly will be fine. We'll have a talk with her and find out what's been going on."
The sniffing and crying had been Gen. I peeked out between almost closed lids and noticed we were in Gen's office at Sweet Seduction. Me on the sofa, Gen on the desk chair, Dominic crouched before her, running his hands up and down her thighs where she sat. No one else. Just us three.
I opened my eyes fully and watched them, they didn't notice; Dom too concerned for Gen, Gen too blubbery.
"I knew something was going on. Why didn't she say she was having trouble with Kane?" Gen said through multiple hiccups.
"I'm not entirely sure it's just Kane, sweetheart," Dom replied softly, hitting the nail on the head.
"Wh...what do you mean?" she stuttered and sniffed.
"Well, it looks like she was letting Dan go, as well as Kane. Her timing wasn't the best though, I must say. Who stacks one dumpee after another at her place of work?"
"Don't judge her," Gen accused, firmly. I would have smiled if my lips could have moved.
Dominic sighed. "You know I'm not. Kelly is Kelly. I get that. But when she upsets you, I get upset too."
When she upsets you. Oh, and now my heart was broken.
Gen.
"So, she's gotten rid of Dan and Kane, and one of the others. Who?" Gen finally asked, after she'd sniffed through Dom's admission.
"Matt," I said, wearily.
Both sets of eyes swung towards me. I didn't move, my body ached and I just didn't have it in me to sit upright.
"Are you OK?" Gen asked, and then growled at herself. "I mean, can I get you anything? For the pain. You're grazed and you know, he pulled on your hair."
My hand went to my head and Dom reached out and squeezed Gen's knee, effectively breaking her run-away mouth moment.
I guess this was it. Gen had been hurt by my problems, even though I'd been trying to keep them from her. I wasn't good at sharing, and this was extremely painful stuff. But she's my best friend and deserved some answers. Besides, from the look on Dom's face, I was sure I wouldn't get far with a simple, "I'm fine."
I rolled into a sitting position and grimaced, my hand massaging my head.
"The prick almost pulled my hair out," I said, a little despairingly.
"He's been arrested for assault. Ryan Pierce is out in the store, waiting to take a statement," Dom said.
Oh, great. This just gets better and better. The cops.
"OK," I managed.
"Do you want me to get him now?" Dom asked, lawyer voice in full swing. "Or would you like to tell us what's going on?"
I looked at him and then at a teary eyed Genevieve, and realised there was no way he'd be leaving her alone in my care any time soon. What I had to say, would have to be said in front of him too.
Crap. I rubbed both hands over my face, dreading my next words.
"I've been thinking," I said, not making eye contact. The first words out of my mouth, and they're a deflection. Not the honest truth.
I let a long breath of air out and straightened my back. This was harder than I'd ever imagined. And my imagination had been pretty damn vivid.
No one said anything for several moments, the silence like a lead weight around my neck, pulling me down. I reached up and rubbed my nape distractedly, as if that would make any of this easier.
"I didn't mean for you to get upset, Gen. I'm sorry," I whispered. "I was trying to keep you out of my fucked up mess."
"That's not what best friends are for, Kelly," she pointed out quietly.
My eyes reluctantly came up to hers. Beautiful, familiar blue stared back at me, not a hint of derision or recrimination in the soft hue.
I started crying.
You'd think I'd have done enough of that when Kane went all loco just before. But no, big heaving sobs of air, suffocating snot and a copious amount of pathetic tears. Gen was beside me in an instant, Dominic blending into the wall and not saying a thing. Her arms wrapped around me, pressing my face into her chest as I bawled.
She didn't say a word, just held me while I fell apart. Rocked us slightly, and brushed her hand through my hair. It took minutes, maybe as many as five or ten, for me to finally suck in a breath of air and not cry it back out again afterwards.
We sat silently for a couple more and then she said, "My mum always says, a problem shared is a problem halved. Talk to me, Kel."
"I can't," I said, the tears suddenly back again.
"Why not?"
"Because it's bad." And although I know Gen has seen me at my worst, knows the lifestyle I have chosen to live, she would never have thought Friday night could have happened. That I could get so drunk I'd forget a few hours and then wake up in some semi-stranger's bed.
I have rules. Gen knows about them. When you share your body, share the love like I have done, you have to have rules.
I broke every god damned one on Friday. And now I was in meltdown, frantically trying to stop the destruction I could see ahead.
"There can be nothing so bad that you can't come back from it, Kelly," Gen said softly into my ear. If she was trying to keep Dominic out of it, she was failing. He would have heard every word. But I appreciated the attempt.
"I'm trying," I snivelled. "That's why I'm getting rid of my guys. Starting over. Finding out who I am."
"And that's bad?" she asked, tentatively.
I laugh
ed, it wasn't pretty.
"I'm beginning to think that I'll be just as fucked up when they're gone, as I was before."
"You're not fucked up, Kelly," she said, and I knew it was an automatic argument.
"Oh, I'm fairly sure I am," I countered.
"No," she said firmly, like she had to Dom when she thought he'd judged me. "You're a product of your upbringing, coping the only way you can. And you've seen you need to change, and you're doing something about it. Small steps, Kelly. It starts with just one."
I sucked in a slow breath of air and pulled back from her, running a hand over my puffy, no doubt red and blotchy, face.
"Something happened," I said, voice still a whisper. "If it hadn't I might have just kept going as I was. But it made me think, really think, and you know what? I don't like who I am."
"Oh, Kel," Gen whispered.
"It's been a long time coming, hasn't it?" I gave her a pertinent look.
"It never bothered me. The way you conduct your sex life." I cringed. Even as my best friend, someone who knew me better than most, it didn't sound right coming from her lips. "What bothers me is if you're not happy."
And that was it, wasn't it? For months, like Dan had said, I haven't been happy. I've been clinging to the old sensations of feeling something, anything, but that black. Testing the limits, stretching the rules, pushing my boundaries as much as I could. No wonder I went home with video-shop-guy.
My hook-ups had all been about sex and nothing else.
I was doing the right thing. Cutting off all of my guys. Three down, two to go. And Spike would simply offer a shrug, give me a peck on the cheek, and say, "Keep it real, dude," as he walked out the door.
Drew would...
I didn't know what Drew would do. He'd never asked for more than I had given, but lately he'd been giving me more. Protecting me from myself; no cameras. Turning up whenever I was about to self-destruct with one of my other four. Offering soft touches, sweet kisses, and tender caresses right from the start.
I knew I needed to get rid of all my stable in order to have a clean slate and find myself.
But getting rid of Drew would be hard. I'd already acknowledged I'd miss him; miss his steady grey eyes. I realised now it was more than that.
Sweet Seduction Sabotage Page 7
