by Annie Brewer
“History.” He nods in approval. “Look, I know you think I’m a fuck up. But I’m trying to change, which is why I moved here. To start over.” His expression changes to one of shame.
“I shouldn’t have said anything. My mom just told me you were going through some stuff and moving here. I made my own assumptions. Sorry, that’s not how you treat family.” I wave my hand in the air in nonchalance.
“Well, you were right. I made a lot of mistakes. Of course, having two absentee parents doesn’t help. But I could’ve done things differently.”
“You can’t do that, Noah.” I glance at him quizzically. “The whole shoulda, coulda, woulda crap. You can’t go through life doing that. The past is in the past, move forward and learn from your mistakes.” If only he knew what I was leaving in the past and my regrets I have to live with, he’d understand. But he doesn’t need to know any of that. It’s my burden to carry.
It dawns on me that I don’t know where anything is or where I’m going. “Uh, where’s a furniture store ‘round here?” He tells me.
We pull into a parking lot of a strip mall. There’s a small furniture store at affordable prices. “You can get living room stuff here. They have a lot of other good priced home furnishings too.” So much for my bean bag chair idea. I look around at entertainment centers and televisions. As much as I’d like to have a flat screen TV, I pass on the opportunity to shell out thousands of dollars for such a luxury. I like the color black for furniture or maybe wood. Derrick points out couches and sofas, coffee tables and dining-room sets. I don’t like some of the displays. I want everything to be simple. For my bed room, I just want a decent bed…okay, I need a comfortable bed. But the rest, an end table, dresser, and small TV with a stand all can be so simple. Hell, I can pick some of it up at Wal Mart. Yeah; I shop at Wal Mart, big deal. My father would drop dead before he shopped there. I don’t think he’s ever set foot in Wally World. He’s too busy shopping at Dick’s ‘R Us, I mean the shops that pretty much leave a whole in your wallet.
It takes two weeks, but I finally fill my apartment with furniture. I got a 65” TV and entertainment center from Wal Mart, a bookshelf, coffee table, and a couple light brown sofas. I bought a dining room set and for the hell of it, I bought a bean bag chair as well.
Sitting alone on my couch, I stare at the blank screen. It feels strange to be alone, no Spencer to harass me, no hot chicks to keep me company. Then I chide myself for thinking like an ass. Referring to women as “chicks” is a douche bag thing to do, but then again, a leopard doesn’t change his spots, so can I really change mine?
My right leg bounces up and down nervously. I can’t help, nor can I stop my mind from wondering to Maddy. Either she’s mad at me or has decided she doesn’t want to be friends after all, which I don’t blame her. Still, disappointment takes up residence in my chest each day she doesn’t come by to check out my new place. She knows where I live now. I suppose it’s better this way.
To order pizza or not to order pizza, that is the question.
A knock at the door has me leaping off the sofa so fast, I become dizzy. What the fuck? I unlock the door, not bothering to peek in the peephole, and open it. “Hey, we brought you dinner.” My aunt and Derrick walk through, carrying a pan and some other dishes. “Oh shit, is that-“
“Lasagna? Yes. I thought you’d like a good cooked meal to enjoy in your newly furnished apartment. It looks nice, by the way.” I smile, speechless at her kind gesture and the fact that this woman knows a way to my heart. Or stomach, in which it makes a grumbling noise in approval. She sets the food down but I quickly stop her so I can grab a towel, wet it and wipe down my new table I haven’t really used yet.
“Okay, it’s clean. I haven’t eaten at this table yet so it was probably dusty.” We set the trays of food and bottle of wine down and pull out our chairs. “Let’s dig into this delicious shit.”
We eat lasagna, salad, garlic bread with a glass of red wine. It’s the perfect meal. We shoot the shit, which isn’t much but it’s nice and it changes my whole woe-is-me mood. And before we know it, Derrick and I are cleaning up the kitchen before we settle onto the sofa for a movie. “Thanks for helping, Derrick.” I glance at my aunt, “Thanks for the meal. It was exquisite.” She pats my back affectionately.
Derrick nods in my direction and says, “Seriously, you don’t have to keep thanking me. It’s what families do and even though we don’t really know each other, we’re still family. We’re blood. We help each other out. And I’m glad you’re here.” So am I. Oh wow, I just admitted that. And it wasn’t a sarcastic or snide remark. Shit, I actually didn’t admit aloud, it was in my head. But I still meant it.
“I’m glad I’m here too. You guys have been great. I appreciate all you’ve done since I moved here. And I appreciate your no-take-shit attitude because I needed to be woken up to realize I’m not in New York anymore. I’m working on changes, but they’re not gonna happen overnight so please be patient and if I act like a dick, feel free to kick me in the nuts. That’ll wake me up.” Or piss me off, but hey, whatever works. We all laugh.
“Awwww, it’s so great to see you boys bonding.” I glare at my aunt, unsuccessfully and move to the entertainment center to find us a movie.
“Okay, I need to find my balls now.” I say sarcastically. I wonder if Spencer would like it here. Maybe when he’s in town, he’ll see it’s not so bad living here. Maybe one day, he’ll consider moving here too.
“Quit being such a guy, Noah. It’s okay to bond with your cousin and to have fun. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your father never taught you the important things of life and it’s really sad how much you missed out as a kid.”
“Yeah, well let’s not ruin our evening by talking about stupid nonsense. Ummm.” I pick Terminator, stick it into the DVD player and get comfortable on the couch with the remote. “Oh hey, I forgot…you don’t mind watching some Arnold ass-kicking action, do you?” Forgetting my manners, I pause the movie.
“No, I watch everything. I did grow up watching John Wayne and old classic movies where they just blow stuff up all the time, so this is fine.” So we watch.
It’s pretty nice to have my own place to do what I want when I want and not answer to anyone. It’s how it’s always been for me. It’s how it’ll always be for me too. I can walk around naked, jack off to my porn or whatever my heart desires. I liked worrying about only myself, it’s uncomplicated. But if I was honest with myself, I’d know that that life is all I know, not that I like it. It just is.
Before my aunt left, I told her I’d be around to bother her, help her with her lawn. Just because I moved into my own place, doesn’t mean I’m not going to come around. I will. I’m warming up to her and Derrick. I need them. It’ll get lonely here I’m sure. Plus, being in the country wasn’t really all that bad. I kinda got used to the quiet atmosphere.
“She’s a sweet girl.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I look at my aunt, confused. We’re outside on her swing, watching the fireworks brighten the night July sky. It reminds me of being back home and having a party at Spencer’s, a bunch of us getting trashed.
“Have you heard from Maddy? Has she seen your new place?” It’d been another week that went by with no sign of her, at which point I was convinced I’d never see her again. “Not since I first signed my lease. I haven’t seen her and she hasn’t seen my newly furnished place.” I’m still confused why we’re on this subject, out of the blue. She must have her motives.
“Hmm, she’s probably just really busy. She works a lot. I’m sure she’ll come around again.” I raise my brow, but she just looks on ahead.
“Remind me why we’re talking about Maddy again.”
“No reason.” She grins, her eyes lighting up when a big lightshow goes off and the boom boom pops of the fireworks reverberate in my ears like gun shots, but my mind is more confused than ever to really enjoy them.
Chapter 15
Maddy
I ge
t dressed, not sure what to say but know I have to stop being such a bitch. I’ve been avoiding Noah for no good reason. I told him I wanted to be friends and yet I’ve been cold and distant. I really have no excuse, just that when I’m with him, I want to know more about him but it seems I can’t stop myself for being too nosey and asking questions that piss him off.
“Well, you’re all dressed up.” Andi says as I make it into the kitchen. I’m not really dressed up, by my standards. I just threw some jean shorts on and a black tank top with a touch of makeup. We were supposed to go out to dinner with her parents tonight but her dad was not feeling well. I’m worried about him. He’s been off and on “sick” more than he has in years. There has to be something more to it that we don’t know about.
“Can I borrow your car for the afternoon?” I ask, pouring a glass of orange juice. She smiles, crossing her arms. She looks at me suspiciously.
“You have to tell me what you’re using it for.” Oh screw it.
“Forget it, I’m going to walk. I need exercise anyway.” She places her hands on her hips as if she’s slowly figuring out what I’m up to. “As for what I’m doing, I’m attempting to have some fun.” I smile. I grab my purse, and she steps in front of me.
“Tell me, you know what you’re doing, Maddy.”
“No, I don’t. But I’m hoping I don’t make a fool of myself.”
“Why are you so fixated on this boy?”
“Why are you so against him? I like being around him, Andi. I can’t help it. There’s just something about him that appeals to me and I want to figure it out.” Hopefully it’s not too late.
“Well, be careful. He’s really the heartbreaking type.” God, she treats me as if I’m a child. I have to make my own mistakes; I have to fall in order to get back up. Her parents were always sheltering her from harm but that’s no life to live. Gotta get hurt in order to know what it’s like to heal. Not that this is in anyway a romantic notion. This is just advice for me. I nod and leave the apartment.
On the walk, ideas run through my head what to say, why I’ve been so distant. But I decide to leave that alone, unless he flat out asks. He probably hadn’t even noticed my absence in the midst of moving in and such. Derrick told me they went shopping for furniture, which made me laugh because I can’t help but wonder what happened to his bean bag chair idea. I walk down the sidewalk, through the trees and walking trail. I slow my pace when I round the corner right by his apartment. I can feel my nerves rattling inside my body. I haven’t been this nervous because of a guy in…well I don’t remember when. Why does it happen with Noah? What’s so special about him? I wipe my sweaty palms on my shorts and stand before apartment 129. I take a deep breath before knocking, really quietly at first. What a stupid idea this is. He may not even want to see me. I do a turnaround once, look around and knock again, harder.
After a few minutes of nothing, I almost walk away but then the door swings open and Noah is standing in the doorway, dressed in his boxer shorts. It takes me a minute to find my voice and look up from his chest muscles to his face. I may have been drooling, just a little. “Hi.” I try to smile. He looks surprised to see me but after a second, he finally smiles and it lights his eyes.
“Hi.” We both stand there, awkwardly. He finally opens the door to allow me inside. As I walk in, I notice how much more welcoming his apartment is than the first time I was here. Boxes are still stacked in the corner of the room next to the entertainment center. I see all the furnishings and then I chuckle when I spot the bean bag chair. I guess he still got one after all. “Sorry, this was a surprise. I’m not dressed for company.” I briefly meet his gaze. “Let me go get dressed.”
“It’s okay; I kind of just dropped by. I had plans, they fell through so I thought I’d come say hi.”
“Huh.” He walks to the kitchen.
“What?” I noticed his annoyance.
“Do you want something to drink?” I shake my head.
“Are you ever going to unpack?” I ask, half-jokingly. He presses his lips together, unsure how to respond. I stand there feeling like an idiot. “I see you got your bean bag chair.”
“Yeah, I decided to just get the furniture after all.” He grabs a glass and pours some juice. “Are you sure you don’t want anything?”
“No thanks.” I sit down on the couch, uncomprehending his personality. He has no pictures on the walls; I can’t figure this guy out. He’s so secretive. I know there’s more to him than he wants us to know. I for one can understand his need to keep to himself. After my mom died, well I was seven, but when I hit my teens, I went through a phase where I just wanted to keep to myself too. We all go through a time like that in our lives, so I understand. But whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs a friend. You can’t go through life alone, it would suck.
“So what’ve you been up to?” He asks but then, he looks down at himself remembering he’s still half-dressed. “Um, hold that thought. I need to get some clothes on real quick.” I stifle a grin and lean against the couch when he leaves the room. It doesn’t take him long to come back out, fully dressed in black shorts and a white t-shirt, which stands out against his tanned skin. He shuts his door and moves to the couch to sit down. “Okay, so what’s up? What brings you here after not coming around for the last, what, few weeks?”
“I see, so you’ve noticed that I haven’t been around, have you?” It gives me hope that he might actually find me fun to be around. I hide my enthusiasm but it doesn’t stop the nerves shooting through my veins.
“Um, yes? I thought friends usually, casually hang out once in a while. You were so intent on being friends but never acted like it.”
I’m half-listening when I get an idea and blurt, “I have a question and it might sound weird.”
“I like weird, shoot.” He grins, taking a sip of his drink, looking at me, making me nervous.
“Do you want to get some paint and paint the walls and have a painting party?” He looks at me, removing the glass from his lips.
“Wow, I was not sure what to expect when you said weird but that was not it.” I feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment and turn away from his scrutiny. “But I totally like your idea of weird. Let’s do it.”
“Really?” I turn back and catch his smirk, in which my cheeks flame for a completely different reason.
He stands up and stretches, before taking his glass to the sink. “So, what room are you suggesting needs a paint job?”
“Living room. Maybe we’ll try another room next time.” He slips into his flip flops and grabs his car keys.
“Are we allowed to do that?” He asks when we reach the door. “Paint the walls and change the carpet?”
We step outside and he locks the door. “I don’t know about changing the carpet but I’m pretty sure you can paint the walls. I think.” I laugh because I’m actually not sure. Andi and I used to have painting parties all the time but that was when we were at her parent’s house. We haven’t done that since we moved into our apartment.
“Oh, damn hold on. I need a hat; my hair’s a rat’s nest.” He goes back inside and comes out with a Journey’s hat on. “You ready?”
We get to his jeep parked close by and before I can open my door, he’s there opening it for me. I gape at him for a minute, not used to chivalrous gestures. I’ve never had guys open doors for me, but it’s something I could get used to, I think.
I mumble a thanks and climb into the seat before he gently shuts the door. I can smell his manly cologne scent and breathe it in. I place my purse in my lap and run my fingers through my hair and hear Noah open his door. “So, I have a question.”
“I may have an answer.” He smiles at my reply. I lean my head back on the headrest and turn my head to look at him.
“So what brought this on, the painting idea?”
“It was something Andi and I used to do. We painted her room a lot back in the day. It was fun.”
“Yeah, and so rebellious.” He comments. I agr
ee and we go on about me and work and Landon, which isn’t his favorite topic. “By the way, Landon doesn’t deserve you.” I wasn’t expecting that comment, but I just smile and stay quiet. What does he want me to say?
Chapter 16
Noah
I wasn’t expecting to see Maddy, at least not for a while. So when she showed up at my door, I was stunned. I was planning to have a low-key night, just lounging on my couch in my boxers. But here I am in my jeep, with her, getting paint. First of all, I was completely thrown by her idea to paint my walls. I mean, in a way, it’s pretty cool. I’ve never painted a room with anyone. Is this what friends do? Spencer and I never had a painting party, not that we would. We didn’t care about shit like this. Maddy is proving to be more intriguing the more I get to know her.
Of course I didn’t hold back my opinion of Landon when his name was mentioned. I don’t like him too much but really, Maddy is too good for him. She’s too good for someone like me too. I notice how quiet she is and I glance at her, looking out the window. “Hey.” She meets my gaze and I suddenly forget what I wanted to say. “Nevermind.” Shit, I’m an idiot.
“Landon and me, we’re not really an item. It’s really complicated. No wait, it’s really simple. He just wants sex and I want more. We’ve known each other since middle school and have been really close. We had sex in high school and dated and whatever. But after high school, I decided I didn’t want to settle for sex. I wanted something real and deep. But he seems to think I’ll give in. I won’t. I’m not in love with him.”
Trying to soak in all of her words and meaning, I find it overwhelming to respond. What do you say to that? What are the right words? Obviously she believes in love or the illusion of it. Who knows if it’s really real, unless you’ve experienced it? “He acts like you’re his.”
“That’s because he wants me to be with him. No matter how many times I tell him to go find another, he doesn’t. Maybe he does, I just don’t know. Which is fine.” I wouldn’t doubt if he did and just came back to her. That’s pretty fucked up. She doesn’t deserve that. He really is an asshole. I’m mean, I’m not a saint but I’m working on that. She frowns and turns back to the window. I have the sudden urge to reach out and comfort her. It’s a feeling I haven’t really experienced before. This girl is doing something unfamiliar to me and I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing. I’ve never cared about a girl before, Lex aside, she was my best friend. This feels different. And it’s fucking scary.
