by Annie Brewer
“I love singing, it’s like the music takes me away from here to a faraway place and I’m floating.” A smile lifts at the corner of her mouth. “But I just can’t do it, Noah. I can sing here because most people are drunk, they aren’t listening. It’s just for fun, nothing more. But to me, it’s more. And not to mention, I need to work and make a living. I don’t have time to play with something that may or may not pan out.”
“You’re good enough, Maddy. I think you could make it. You just have to believe in yourself.” She shakes her head. I wonder if she’s ever really listened to her own voice. She’s fucking amazing.
“I enjoy singing here, for fun. That will have to be enough.” She jumps up out of the chair. “Let’s shoot some pool.” Thank God. I finish the last of my beer and follow her. Conversation over.
Chapter 26
Maddy
I was doing so well, so damn well. After showing up at Noah’s apartment and crying my eyes out, I felt better. I was not only crying because of the bomb Andi dropped on me but also because I’d been missing my mom a lot lately. I get it; I was young when she died. I didn’t know her that well. But I knew her enough to still miss her every day. Her blood runs through my veins. Growing up without your mother really sucks and on top of that, not having your father around sucks too. But then to have the closest person to a father figure become ill with cancer? Well that is just the suckiest news. And then to make things worse, Noah brings up singing of all things. I want to hole up on the bathroom floor and sob.
The truth is, singing has always been a part of me. I have videos of my mother and me singing together. She’d tell me that I was gonna be a star one day. It was her dream for me to be what she wanted to be when she was a child. I was singing everywhere; the car, bathroom, shower, inside, outside, park…everywhere. She taught me the exercises Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do. I never forgot it. But it doesn’t matter anymore.
“Okay, who’s racking?” I grab the triangle from under the table and begin racking the balls.
“I guess you are.” Noah says, chalking his stick. He finds me a pool stick and we both simultaneously lay both sticks on the next table and twirl it to make sure they’re straight and not bumpy. I grab the chalk once Noah is done using it. He walks to the other side to break, which thank God, I suck at breaking. He sinks in three balls and works on another one. I turn away and remember I never brought my purse with me from the previous table. I wonder what time it is.
“Shit!” I frantically search for my purse, panicking. I spin around and look around the tables.
“Your purse is under the table.” I glance down and sure enough it’s next to the chair on the floor. I reach for it and pick it up but it slips out of my hand and the contents fall out onto the floor with a loud crash. I hurry to clean the mess. Damn, how much did I drink? It couldn’t be that much, I’m just emotional and clumsy. Noah is at my side, helping me. “It’s okay, I’ve got it.” I say frustrated. I’m shaking, why am I shaking?
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He says above a whisper. I fall to the floor, and draw my knees up to my chest, defeated. My emotions are overwhelming me and I can no longer contain them. I lean my head against the chair of the table. The pool game still going on, but I’m not feeling up to playing anymore.
“Hey listen, you can tell me anything.” He says but I still sit in silence, wishing I was curled up in my bed. “Then answer this one thing at least, has Landon ever made you do something you didn’t want to do?” Why is he bringing up Landon? My eyes narrow, defensive.
“Are you serious?”
“It’s a legit question.”
“Well, I’m not answering your “legit” question.” I know I’m being mean but he doesn’t need to go there right now. It’s his fault I started crying again. I just wanted to have some drinks and have fun, but he brought up some tough topics that made me feel puny because all I want to do is cry. As I’m thinking all this in my head, I know I’m being unreasonable and blaming it on him when it’s really not his fault.
“I’m going to assume then-“ He starts but I interrupt him.
“Take your assumptions and shove them. I don’t have to answer you.” I’m done crying so instead, I resort to anger.
“Why can’t you answer the question?” I shake my head, closing my eyes. “Maddy, please. I just want to know. Did he upset you? Hurt you?” Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I tune him out…coming here was a bad idea. Or maybe it’s the alcohol.
Before I know what’s happened, Noah’s taken me in his arms. They’re wrapped firmly around my back. My tears soak his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. “Maddy, I need you to talk to me.” I swallow, hiding my face in his shoulder. I feel safe, protected in his comfort of warmth. I shake my head but don’t look at him.
“I can’t right now. Please don’t make me talk about it right now.” I mumble.
“But he’s never-“ I shake my head more forcefully so he’ll get the message and maybe shut up.
Finally I pull away and wipe my face with the back of my hand. Instead of looking at him, I look down at my shoes, picking at my soul. He rests his hand on top of mine and I freeze, forcing me to look at him as I pull my hand out from under his.
“It has nothing to do with Landon. He’s never forced me to do anything. But I’d rather not talk about anything right now.” I feel embarrassed having been the second time that he’s seen me really cry. He must think I’m such a whiny brat. But I don’t blame him, being that he doesn’t know the situation. I haven’t cried in years over my home life. Inspite of all the rough times and the lack of parents, I came out okay. I got through it with amazing support. However, losing another close family member is really taking its toll. Which is why I can’t say it aloud yet, I can’t admit the truth yet, I won’t. Reality sucks.
I find the strength to stand up and push away when Noah offers to help me. By now, all alcohol has worn off. “I need to use the restroom.” He nods and backs up a step. I start to head that way and then stop when I spot my purse on the floor. I walk over and swoop it up and take it with me so I can freshen myself up a little. I can imagine my face looking hideous.
I walk in the bathroom, pick the cleanest stall because let’s face it; it’s a bar full of drunk people that don’t know how to flush the toilet after using it. Luckily I don’t have trouble finding a decent one. Although there’s graffiti on the door, mostly names of lovers and confessions of unrequited love. I sit there and do my business as the beer has gone through me like water. Washing my hands, I look up and see my face all red and splotchy. I splash water on my face and rub my eyes. I dry my hands and reapply some makeup but leave the mascara. I don’t need it.
I take out a ponytail from my purse and pull my nappy hair back in a loose bun. Once I feel more human, I take a deep breath; grab my purse and turn around to walk back out to the bar. There’s a knock on the door followed by, “Maddy?”
“I’ll be right out.”
“Are you okay?” I hear Noah’s concerned, sweet voice through the door. I glance at my reflection once more before stalking off and yank the door open. He’s standing in the doorway, leaning with both of his hands out across the door frame, blocking me inside. He studies me for a minute. “What?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.” He’s still blocking my way to get out. I place my hands on my hips, waiting for him to move but he doesn’t budge. I’m sensing a bit of tension in the air around us. There is definitely something happening as we stare at each other, unmoving. Part of me wants to stay like this all night but then another part is annoyed and wants to get out of the ladies room. His hair falls over his green eye and I want to push it back. His stance is casual, his eyes intense. I place my hand on his chest and shove him back but he grabs my hand, keeping a firm grip. I look up at his face and see a smirk but he says nothing. There’s a shift in the air and it’s suffocating me. I swallow the lump that’s gotten stuck in my throat. We stare at each other for a f
ew minutes in silence. God, he’s beautiful. My eyes wander to his mouth, full and wet as he licks them. I meet his gaze again and now he’s got a look of realization, as though he just notices he’s still holding my hand. Dropping my hand, he steps back so I can pass him. I can’t help the disappointment in the pit of my stomach that the moment is over, whatever that was. With my heart beating wildly, I shoot him a glare and walk out. What the hell?
Chapter 26
Noah
I can see that she’s disappointed or angry with me, but why? This isn’t how it was supposed to go. I wanted to console Maddy, for the second time tonight. I wanted to wrap her up and keep her safe. Well, I accomplished that. I wanted her to talk to me and tell me her problems, her dreams, her fears. But she’s as closed off as I am. At first I thought it was my dick wanting her because when she’s around, I think naughty things. Okay, I did when I first met her months ago. I thought it was my body craving her touch. But when I, on impulse, pulled her into my arms, I knew it was more than that.
I hated seeing her cry and not because I can’t take females crying in front of me. But for the first time in my life, or perhaps the second time, I wanted to take her pain away. I wanted to carry the burden that is on her shoulders and suffer. I don’t understand these emotions and I’m struggling with what to do with them. I liked sex and that was all I was about. No strings attached.
This time, it’s different. I’m attracted to this girl, it’s obvious. But where most of them were “hot” or “fuckable” in my vocabulary, she falls under “beautiful” and “mesmerizing”, her hazel eyes seem to put a spell on me when I look at them. I don’t think about sex when I’m with her. I think about what she’s like when she opens up and lets someone in. I think about what has her troubled. Surely her life has been rough but it seems more than that. I wonder if she knows how special she is. I see a broken and sad girl waiting to be loved and cherished and understood.
I want to uncover the mystery that lies within her soul. I want to solve the missing pieces. And if I never got to see her naked body, I’d be okay with it.
The only problem is getting close to her would mean me having to share my life story. I’m just not sure I want to do that. I’ve buried a part of me the night shit got real and to dig it all back up would be painful.
Standing in front of her with her hand on my chest, staring into her greyish eyes I couldn’t breathe. It was like time stood still and we were the only people left in the world. We may have been the only people left in the bar for all I knew, but I didn’t notice. My heart was beating so fast I was certain she could hear it. And in doing so meant she’d see how she affects me, being so close to her, breathing the same air. She’d know she’s actually reaching the part of me that no one ever has. I couldn’t let her know that. I don’t even know how to deal with it. These feelings scare the shit out of me. I need time to sort them out first. Maybe a talk with my aunt would help. She’s great with advice. I watch as she walks away but her glare doesn’t go unnoticed. Finally my lungs begin to work again.
“I think we should leave. You need some rest.” She’s getting ready to break but my desire to play is gone. I was doing good, sunk in five balls. I was solids. But I guess it doesn’t matter.
“You act like you know what I need.” She snaps back. I blink at her tone. I guess I don’t know what she needs but then again she won’t talk to me so how am I supposed to know? I need distance.
“Well, I’m tired.” She looks up at me for a split second before slamming the cue ball into the rest, knocking three balls in. O-kay.
“So leave, I’ll walk home.” I grit my teeth, fighting the urge to lash out at her. I clench my fists together and breathe deep. She’s upset, just taking it out on. She’ll be fine later.
I sit down at a table and watch her. She’s really good at her shots, her aim is spot on. But it’s obvious she’s come here a lot to play since this is her hang out place and where she sings most weekends. I wonder if there’s anything she’s not good at. She’s quite the master at getting under my skin in both a good and bad way.
“Wow, you’re really good. I’ll play you next.” A tall blonde guy comes up behind her after she takes a shot. I catch her eye for a minute and she smiles at douche bag, leaning against the pool table.
“How about we play now?” She’s flirting with him, unbelievable. I try to hide my jealousy. He’s watching her intently. I notice his eyes rake down her body and land on her ass as she bends over the table making a shot. I want to deck him in the face. “Buy me a drink?” She asks sweetly. I’m wondering if she’s doing this just to piss me off now.
“Absolutely. Want a beer?” He’s smiling like a fool. I want to kick that grin off his face. When he walks away, I glance at Maddy and she’s staring right at me. I drop my gaze.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, searching for games to play to distract myself. I surf the internet, I get on facebook and twitter. I don’t get on either sites anymore. I play games but nothing is working. I can hear her laughter fill my ears.
Why is he making her laugh? Why was she staring at me with irritation and yet this douche bag gets to see her smile? I’m so frustrated that I don’t realize I’m gripping my phone with so much strength, my hand throbs. I pretend to be busy with my phone, but I often and discreetly shoot glances in their direction. My head is down so I peek through my eyelids. I catch douche monkey looking at her chest as she’s bent over the table. His eyes scream hunger and lust. It takes every ounce of strength for me not to get up and remove his eyes from his face. I just want to yell “she’s mine, stay the fuck away” but I can see how well that would go since we aren’t together. Still, I wish he’d kick his asshole tendencies out the door and treat her like a lady, the way she deserves to be treated instead of a meal he’s ready to devour.
Instead I just focus on my stupid game that I have no real interest in. I send a text to Spencer. He’d know what to do, maybe not with the situation but I know he’d make me laugh.
Maybe moving here was a bad idea. I don’t fit in. I take a breath and keep my head down, eyes trained on my fumbling fingers.
Uh-oh, sounds like someone needs a hug. He texts back. I purse my lips together in amusement. Yeah, a hug would be good, followed by a kick to the gut.
Well, why don’t you come here and make it better. I joke. But I know for a fact if he were here, I would not be having this problem. Or at least I would have someone to hang out with, instead of moping around by myself.
Sorry bro, you’re not my type. He says.
Uh, handsome, rugged, arrogant isn’t your type? I’m offended and quite shocked. I chew on my thumb nail waiting for his reply. I miss Spence more than I thought I would. He was always the one to make me laugh with his embarrassing comments and gestures. But I had to leave and I knew he couldn’t leave his life behind. This was my choice. I didn’t have anything left there besides bad memories and a life I’d wanted to leave behind, so it was easier for me to leave.
That is my type, but umm, I’m not into the meat. So sorry. Still love you though, in a non-sexual way. So why are you so down? I consider telling him but am distracted when I see that they’re done with their pool game. I look up just as she looks at me. Our eyes lock briefly…but I feel the intensity in her stare. The jackass says something to her and she looks away. She leans against the table, finishing her beer. It appears that she won the game. I so want to rub it in his face that he got beat by a girl but I restrain myself.
When I see Maddy coming toward me, I stand up and prepare to leave with her. “Ready to go?” I ask. She looks at me, cocking her head to the side.
“Yeah, Trey is taking me home.”
“Are you serious?” He’s waiting by the door, a grin playing on his stupid lips. Is he seriously taking her home? I’m so pissed. She nods, slipping her purse over her shoulder.
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“Are you sure you want to go home with someone you just met? He co
uld be a serial killer.” The famous line everyone uses, but it’s true. I grab her hand to stop her as she turns away from me. “Maddy, please. Let me take you home.”
“Let go of my arm. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.” She yanks away from me. I’m flustered and ready to pound the fuck out of the wall…or that dude’s face. She turns around to start leaving and then calls over her shoulder, “Go home Noah.” She walks out of the bar with him, leaving me red-faced and upset. This was not how I pictured tonight would end. I leave and plan to hit the store for more alcohol. Tonight will be forgotten.
Chapter 27
Maddy
My heart is racing. My palms are sweaty. I know I should have told Trey no when he offered to take me home. At first I was just going with it to piss Noah off, or make him jealous. Which it seemed to do both. I got what I was aiming for, yet I felt like shit when I caught his expression…hurt, jealousy, anger. I did it. I should have stayed there and let him take me home. But in the end, I was being stubborn. I didn’t want to deal with any arguments or be around someone I had cried in the arms of that night. After the bathroom debacle, I was pissed. The truth was I wanted Noah to kiss me. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me so bad and possibly throw me against the wall. Yeah, I couldn’t help my absurd thoughts from slipping into my head. But when he dropped my hand as if my touch had burned him, I had to hold my tears back. I guess that’s why I let Trey play me a game of pool. I needed a distraction. I guess to Noah, I’m only friend material. It sucks but what the hell am I supposed to do? I was certain he felt a spark or something as I had felt while we were touching each other. But I seem to read into things that aren’t there. Well, it’s fine. I need to move on, focus on myself. I need to be there for Andi anyway. She needs me, no distractions.
