Entangled

by Annie Brewer

  Materials for Kitchen Table (Project for Aunt Linda)

  -Wood

  -Sandpaper

  -Brackets (L) (Metal)

  -Wood screws (Size 8)

  -Drill

  -Paint/Stain

  I save it and lay my phone down on the table, satisfied. Would I ever consider moving back to New York? I figured when I left that would be it. I shake the thoughts out of my head. I’ve left for a reason and the only one I’d go back for is to visit, since Spencer is still there.

  “Okay, sorry. I’d forgotten where I’d put these.” My aunt saunters back into the kitchen holding some pictures. She sits down with them in her hand as if they’re fragile. I can see why now. “Your mother sent these to me, over the years Noah.” She says. I glance from her to the pictures. She places them in front of me. They look old but in good condition.

  They’re pictures of me, as a baby. I feel my eyes widen. “She knew I would take care of them and she wanted you to have them some day.”

  “What is this?” I blurt out stupidly. I know what they are, but I’m dumbfounded. She took baby pictures? I never knew it.

  “These are baby pictures, up until you were ten. It was right before-“

  “The divorce.” I finish her thought. After my parents split is when my mother hit the booze and the men, numbing her pain. It’s why she forgot about me, not caring about my pain. Only hers.

  “Yes. She’d taken pictures as often as she could. She loved you, Noah. After your father announced he was leaving, she lost it. She wanted to make it work. She wanted for you to be a family. But your father cared more about his job than he did about his responsibilities as a father and husband. I honestly couldn’t stand him and I’d told your mother that from the beginning. He was selfish and inconsiderate. But your mother didn’t listen.” I swallow, taking the pictures in my hands.

  “Yeah, she never listened to anyone.” I say quietly. Seeing my baby pictures with my own eyes feels surreal. Why didn’t I remember her taking them? All I remember were the arguments, betrayal and resentment. My father resented me for being born. He should’ve kept it in his pants or been more protected. I can’t stand it when I hear a parent blaming the child for their existence. How the fuck is it their fault? They didn’t ask to be brought into a family that hates each other. My father was gone most nights, doing god knows what. My mother tried, I could see she struggled with everything and it hurt me. I wanted to tell her it would be okay, even though I was just as confused and hurt. Even before he left, being with her was the most fun I had as a child. We would play at the park or play games inside at the kitchen table. I can’t deny that I wished my father was there too. I just wanted him to love me, was that too hard to ask? I just wanted to be loved by my parents and feel normal. I needed him to teach me to shave, play sports, and take me to eat ice cream or even teach me a thing or two about girls. But he was too busy to do any of that. It eventually resulted in me finding trouble, acting out and getting involved with the wrong people.

  I flip through the pictures and catch one of me laughing while my mother is pushing me on the swing at the park. It brings a smile to my face and stirs emotions deep within my gut. She’s actually smiling too. I haven’t seen her smile in so long; I forgot what it looked like. Her brown hair is blowing in her sweet oval-shaped face. I’m not ready to stroll down memory lane right now, yet I can’t look away. “Can I keep these?” I hold up the stack, ready to move onto a happier topic. I’ll look through these when I’m by myself.

  “Yes, of course. They’re yours.” She rises out of her chair and walks to the pantry, taking out a zip lock baggie and hands it to me.

  “Thank you.” I tell her, placing the pictures carefully inside and sealing it. “This was a surprise, these.” I gesture to the bag. “But I’m glad you had them all this time. Thank you for keeping them safe.” I set them on the table and lean back in my seat, stretching my body. My aunt resembles my mother quite a bit, never having noticed it before. They have the same color hair, just different eyes. My mother’s blue eyes have aged with stress and they change, turning gray at times. “Really, thank you for being here for me. This move has been really hard on me. You’re all I have left. Life’s been one sucky event after another. But I’m glad I left New York. I needed to get away from the busy atmosphere.”

  “Noah, tell me something.” She sits down again and crosses her legs, arms crossed over her chest. “Do you still feel guilty?”

  “Please Aunt Linda, don’t bring it up. That’s the last thing I want to talk about.” My stomach churns and I have to fight the nausea from rising up my throat.

  “Noah, let it go. It wasn’t your fault.” I’m out of my seat, offensive stance, hands covering my ears.

  “You weren’t there. Don’t tell me what to feel. I can’t let it go.”

  “Noah.” I’m not listening to her and my temper is flaring. Bringing up a painful part of my past is not helpful in my moving on plan. I know she’s trying to help but it’s only pissing me off. I pace the kitchen, not looking at her.

  “Leave it be. Drop it. I don’t want to go down this road. Please.” I stop pacing and peek at her. She’s sitting down, elbows on the table under her chin. I slowly remove my hands away from my face and sit down. I drop my head into my hands, making an effort to control my emotions. Relax. Don’t think about it. It’s in the past.

  “Do you like Maddy?” Is she serious? She goes from one extreme to another.

  “What does she have to do with anything?” I don’t bother concealing my frustration. She’s not bothered by it though. She doesn’t even flinch.

  “No, answer the question. I have a reason for asking. Do you like her?” I narrow my eyes, nostrils flare. I’m not sure why she’s so interested in my life or who I like. But a part of me is not sure why I’m so offensive. I’m not really mad at her, it’s more of the fact that I don’t know how to answer. I’m usually a straightforward kind of guy, no beating around the bush. I just can’t give a straight answer when it comes to Maddy. I look away, concentrating on the wall to my right trying to ignore the buzzing in my ears. “Look there’s a reason for my asking. I’m not trying to pry or play nosey aunt. I just need to know, do you like her? As in more than friends?”

  Do I? I regard my aunt warily, while I run through in my head all the possible answers I can come up with. “I don’t know her that well but the time I’ve spent with her has been nice.” I do miss her company, but that could just be that I’m lonely right? It doesn’t mean anything, it can’t. No, it can’t.

  “It seems you and Maddy have a lot in common.”

  “How so?” It seems I don’t know too much about her but I doubt she’s had it too bad. I could be wrong.

  “Maddy’s had a tough life. She had to raise herself. During high school Derrick went through a bad phase, it didn’t last long thankfully. Anyway, I think that was thanks to Maddy and Andi for their influence. But Landon got him into some bad stuff and they got into a lot of trouble. I never really cared for that boy, but he cared about Maddy. He was for the most part, good to her so I bit my tongue. Plus he was Derrick’s best friend. The four of them were inseparable. Maddy really looked out for him. Even as her world had crumpled and things with her father were bad, she didn’t let it show on the outside. We had so many talks; she’d come over by herself and cry into my arms when she couldn’t take it anymore. She’d held it in long enough and I had no problem letting her just let go. She was so young; she couldn’t be strong all the time. She had to take sleeping pills to help her at night because often, nightmares plagued her; mostly of her mother.” She has a faraway look in her eye and a stab of guilt hits me in the stomach. I didn’t know she suffered that much. I knew she was going through some shit but I didn’t know how serious. I understood wanting to keep things to yourself. But I’m glad she had someone to talk to, cry to. I see why she’d lost it a few times in front of me. How much can one person take before they hit the ground and break?


  I start tapping my finger nervously on the table, more interested in the conversation. “What happened to her parents?”

  “It’s not for me to tell. I won’t share someone else’s story. You have to ask her.” I shake my head, a small smile playing at my lips.

  “She won’t talk to me. I just know her mother died and she loved to sing, which is why Maddy loves to as well. She’s got an amazing voice.” I look up and smile, remembering her face as she sang Sarah’s song so well. She looked peaceful, like she was floating or something. The image is branded into my mind. “She’s so closed off though. As if she’s afraid of letting someone in long enough for them to see this incredible girl underneath all the pain and sadness.” I don’t know if I’m describing myself of Maddy, maybe both. I’ve said too much now. My aunt has a look in her eye like she knows my feelings for her.

  “It looks as though you’re struggling the same way, opening up. I want you to come and talk to me, about anything. I’ll keep it confidential, between you and me. You can’t keep your feelings bottled up inside, it will eventually break you down.” She reaches out and takes my hand, a comforting gesture I’m not familiar with. But it’s nice so I don’t pull away. “It’s okay to show emotion sometimes. It’s human nature and necessary for our survival.” I stare at her delicate hand still on top of mine. They’re so pristine, her finger nails and the cuticles. I wonder how much it costs to have your nails done and thank goodness guys don’t have to worry about that crap. I keep my nails trimmed and clean but not obsessively.

  I rub my forehead with my other hand and then scratch my chin, distractingly. My finger catches on a little stubble, making me take note that I need to shave. I guess girls are lucky they don’t have to take a razor to their face. I had to teach myself to shave; it was a bitch the first few times. I cut myself numerous times. Thinking about it, I wince. You cut at the wrong angle and slice. “Listen.”

  “I like her.” I finally say, cutting whatever thought she had in mind. I lean back and cross my arms, stretching my legs out in front me at the ankles. “I like her Aunt Linda. A lot. But I’m no good for her.”

  She seemed surprised to hear me admit, and I’ll say, I was surprised to admit it too. I did like her. I do like her. She raises a brow with a skeptical look. “What makes you think you’re not good for her?”

  “I’m not. I’m not one to care for anyone, not emotionally. Back home, I dated, well it was more like I had sex with girls and moved on. I didn’t mix feelings and girls. It got too complicated and I didn’t want any of that shit. I didn’t want to feel anything for anyone and I never did.”

  “And now?” She asks, a little smile appearing at the corner of her lips. I think she knows I’m pussy whipped at this point. She laces her fingers together and waits.

  “With Maddy, it’s different. It feels different. I feel with her. I want to know her, her likes, dislikes. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh.” I want to know what her skin feels like underneath mine. I want to know what her lips taste like. And feel her body against mine. If I’m being honest with myself, I want to get acquainted with all the sensitive places on her body and be the one to make her squirm from pleasure.

  Shit, I need to put the brakes on these ridiculous thoughts. I glance at my aunt, she’s staring at me.

  “Why don’t you think you’re good enough though, Noah? You’re a good man, regardless what you may think. You’ve got a heart, which is more than I can say for your heartless father. I think you need to start off slow. She’s been through a lot. I didn’t think her dating Landon was good for her but what the hell did I know?”

  Oh yeah, that’s kind of a problem. I never liked him. “I can’t stand Landon. We almost got into it at the bar.” She purses her lips together and then folds her hands under her chin.

  “Noah, you can’t go picking fights. You moved away from that life, you need to learn to control your temper. Violence is not the answer.” What a cliché thing to say. But I know she’s right. It never did anything for me but give me a fat lip or swollen eye. Of course sometimes the guy was worse off. I just don’t want to be that guy anymore.

  “I’m trying…but bad habits are hard to break.”

  “I know. But try harder. As for Maddy, be her friend. Apparently there is more going on in her life than we know. She’s a sweet girl and needs someone to make her happy. I know you would be good for her. But don’t rush into anything.”

  A laugh escapes my throat before I can stop it. Aware of the situation, and how unfunny it really is, I can’t help but find that comment a little ridiculous. “Uh, explain how a fucked up guy like me would be good for an unlucky, sweet girl like Maddy. That makes no damn sense. It sounds like a tragedy waiting to happen.” She stands up and pushes her chair in.

  “First of all, language. Second, we’ll finish this conversation later. I heard doors shutting.” Just then, Derrick walks in.

  “Hey mama.” He kisses her cheek. Such a mama’s boy. I laugh to myself, hiding my envy he has such a good relationship with her. When he sees me, he nods. “Hey Noah. What’s up man?” I wave like an idiot and freeze when Maddy walks in the door with Andi. She’s wearing dark jeans that hug her hips perfectly and a purple long sleeved shirt showing off her killer curves. I have to look away before I’m accused of gawking.

  Of course she spots me and her eye brows raise. “Hey Noah.” I try to smile, feeling embarrassed. Okay, time to go. I get up and approach my aunt, kissing her on the opposite cheek my cousin just had his lips on.

  “Thanks for the chat. I’ll get started on your new kitchen table soon.”

  “Oh thank you, sweetie. And anytime, my door is always open.” She gives me a hug. I try not to stiffen in her embrace. Still getting used to the touchy feely thing.

  I pull away and wave bye to the others, with a “see you guys later” over my shoulder. I feel like an ass for taking off so quickly but I’m just not in the mood to hang out right now. Without looking back, I head to my jeep, feeling the breeze on my face.

  I know I should talk to her.

  Chapter 29

  Maddy

  I didn’t expect to see Noah here. Then again, she’s his aunt so I can’t be surprised when he visits. She’s all the family he has. I’d just wanted to apologize for the other night and hadn’t had a chance. Well, there was my chance. And I didn’t take it?

  “Maddy, go talk to him.” Andi says to me quietly.

  “He’s probably already gone.” He obviously wasn’t expecting to see me either and by the looks of it, he couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

  “Just go and see. He’s probably still here. You might catch him.” She’s practically shoving me out of the kitchen and out the door. I glare at her before walking outside. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling the chill of the breeze hit my body making me shiver. Sure enough, he’s leaning against his jeep, facing it with his head down and arms up on the door frame. What’s he doing?

  “Noah?” Startled, he lifts his head and sees me. I meet his eyes with my head held high, though inside I’m a bundle of nerves. I stop in front of him. “I’m…I wanted to apologize for the other night.”

  “Which part? You crying in my arms and then not talking to me or ditching me with some stranger?” I want to lash out at him for bringing up my mother and the twenty questions, but I swallow my words instead.

  “All of it. It was a really bad night and I wanted to forget it all, drown my sorrows in alcohol. It was stupid. I’m sorry.” I move to stand beside him, leaning back against his car.

  He’s avoiding eye contact so I stare straight ahead, kicking the gravel with my boot. Silence between us hangs a little uncomfortably. When I can’t stand it anymore, I push myself off the vehicle and start walking back to the house. Screw this! I’ve said what I needed to say.

  “Wait!” Noah’s voice brings me to a halt, but I don’t turn around. My heart is beating fast. I stick my sweaty hands in my jeans. “I have something to say.” I turn
around, he’s close now. So close I can smell his deodorant. I quietly follow him to the same porch swing I’ve spent many nights on. It’s old and rusty, needs a fix but it still rocks back and forth. We sit down.

  He rests his hands on his knees before he glances at me. I keep some distance and we start swinging in silence, each occupied by our own thoughts. “I didn’t realize how peaceful it is out here. Living in the city is so different. Everyone has to be doing something all the time. I doubt they take the time to appreciate nature in all its beauty.” I’m quiet but listening to his every word. “Out here, just sitting feeling the breeze on your face and listening to the silence, no cars interrupting…it’s nice.” I’m used to it and that’s what I love about small towns and the country side. I don’t think I’d be good in the big city. I rest my hands in my lap and occasionally glance at him, his posture is tense. I notice his jaw twitching nervously but he’s not looking at me. I suddenly feel uncomfortable, biting my bottom lip. And then, he looks at me. “I’m sorry too. About the other night. I was only wanting to help and I didn’t think that guy was really what you were looking for. But I understand the need to hide the pain, any pain. I know what it’s like to want that escape. I’ve lived it all my life.” He looks down at his hands, fidgeting. I sense he’s nervous about something when his right leg begins to bounce nonstop. I want to hold it down, it’s shaking the swing. Why is he nervous?

  “I think maybe you should talk to someone.” All thoughts flee my mind.

  “You mean like a therapist?” I ask defensively, though I’m not sure why that surprises me for someone to suggest. Andi is always telling me to get help. Even Landon brought it up once.

  “No, well yes. Or maybe just someone who will listen. It doesn’t have to be a therapist. You just need to talk, get your feelings out, whatever’s bothering you. It might help.” Says the boy who’s so closed off about his own feelings. He has no idea what I’ve had to deal with, what my life’s been like. The last thing I need from anyone is pity. I’ve survived on my own, well not completely on my own. I had Andi and her amazing family, Linda and Derrick too. But still, it hasn’t been easy.